My spouse has not been diagnosed, feels like he's BPD

[Johnsok]

I met my bf 2013, things were great he was prefect. He wanted to move pretty quickly mind you I have my own abandonment issues and what not I went with it. He asked me to marry him 4 months after meeting. The same day his ex called me to tell me she slept with him while I was out of town a month back... That's where it started. I forgave him but after that I didn't trust him. I found him going over to her house a few times caught him but he would blantly lie to my face and say he wasn't there yet just happened to be at some imaginary friends house that lived right next to her... .

Ok well I got pregnant and decided I wasn't ready for a child with him and I believe that's where he started hating me because I chose a choice he did not like and we did not have a child together but vowed he would stay and work through our problems with me. Slowly after that everything went down hill... Everytime I would try to leave him he would immediately get on a dating website because he must of gotten over his ex at that point.

About 6 months ago I caught him sleeping with someone else at a park and even to this day denies he even slept with her yet I walked up on him. He will masterbate everyday even after huge fights it's like a stress reliever for him. Even if I'm standing there screaming stop. He took 1000 out of our checking account and felt somehow entitled to it and went and spent $300 on some girl he just met on a dating website. Oh after I caught him cheating at the park he came home and cut our brand new bed in half. He is verbally and physically abusive.

Lately anything I say to him sets him off and he will fight for hours about it until he calms down and then acts all sweet like nothing happened. He ruined my birthday a few days ago because I made a comment about modeling he did not like and took it as I was saying his daughter wasn't good enough to model because I said I wouldn't waste my money on it. He has only made my anxiety and depression 10 times worse and mind you I am now 7 months pregnant now. There is so much more I can't even remember it all right now. He has also said if I gave our child up for adoption he would kill me then himself... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Johnsok]

So I guess I would just like someone's honest opinion on this... We are going to see a therapist next week, he has extremely violent tendencies. He has broke 3 of my phones. Every door in our house is smashed. When we get into a fight he will take either me phone or keys or both so I have nothing. I'm not allowed to have friends I had to cut them off like a bad habit. He hates my family because they don't like what he has done to me.

[hellosun]

Welcome here, Johnsok. I'm sorry you've found us due to such a difficult situation with your partner. It is good he has agreed to therapy, at least.

He will masterbate everyday even after huge fights it's like a stress reliever for him. Even if I'm standing there screaming stop. He took 1000 out of our checking account and felt somehow entitled to it and went and spent $300 on some girl he just met on a dating website.

Hmm. After this, it would make sense for you to have your own account that he cannot access. Would that be a possibility for you? Or is he currently supporting you?

Does his masturbation involve you directly? Does he force you to watch? If not, a solution might be to remove youself from the room where this is taking place, or even going outside or to the shops for a breather.

I am so sorry you are dealing with his violent behaviour. That sounds terrifying, frankly.

Thank you for sharing so openly here. It sounds like you are taking positive steps towards change, and hopefully the mods and the therapist will be able to offer you some tools you can use to stay safe.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Johnsok &

I'm so sorry for all of the stress, pain and trauma you have been going through with your boyfriend, and so happy you found us! Many members of this Board will be able to understand and relate to your situation, and I would like to let you know that you are not alone... .

So I guess I would just like someone's honest opinion on this... We are going to see a therapist next week, he has extremely violent tendencies. He has broke 3 of my phones. Every door in our house is smashed. When we get into a fight he will take either me phone or keys or both so I have nothing. I'm not allowed to have friends I had to cut them off like a bad habit. He hates my family because they don't like what he has done to me.

I am really glad to hear that you and your boyfriend will be seeing a Therapist next week, and I encourage you to make sure that even is he balks at going at the last minute, that you make sure to go, yourself. This is a very wise choice to seek Therapy, and I commend you on doing that!

My honest opinion is that you need to check out this information right away, to see if you need a Safety Plan: Safety First

Please also read these Articles, Johnsok: TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women and TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

Being separated from your family and friends by a romantic partner is a dangerous place to be; everyone who could advise and listen to you are not there for you if you need them... .Are you still in touch with your family? Can you call them and maybe even go and stay with them if you need to? Are you safe right now? Being 7 months pregnant is a very vulnerable state, and if you are feeling bullied and afraid, having a Safety Plan in place can help... .

Can you check out those links I gave you? Do you have someone to call if you need to? Are you being watched all the time? Or do you have some freedom to get some person-to-person advice (like calling an Emergency Help-Line)?

My honest opinion is that I'm concerned for your well-being, Johnsok, and I would love to have you post here that you are safe right now, and that you have access to some sort of Support System if there is an emergency... .Please let us know, OK?  

[Johnsok]

No I am the one that makes the most money. He has his own finances but I no longer trust him with my money. I'm new to this site so forgive me for not completely understanding how to reply. I am ok and I choose not to talk to my family at this point because all they want to do is talk to me about leaving and I'm just tired of all the stress.

[Rapt Reader]

You're doing a great job replying, Johnsok  

I'm really glad to hear that you are Okay right now, too  

If you are possibly interested in staying and trying to make things better in your relationship, I'd like to encourage you to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page. Every one of them are very helpful, and this one: What does it take to be in a relationship with a borderline? would give you a very good start with understanding how your boyfriend's mind works (or are you married?), and how to deal with your situation better. All of the other links are equally helpful, though, and I encourage you to take some time to read them all, actually... .

I also would like to encourage you, again, to check out the information I gave you in my previous post; having a Safety Plan and being informed is really very empowering  

[hellosun]

No I am the one that makes the most money. He has his own finances but I no longer trust him with my money. I'm new to this site so forgive me for not completely understanding how to reply. I am ok and I choose not to talk to my family at this point because all they want to do is talk to me about leaving and I'm just tired of all the stress.

It is good to hear that he no longer has access to your finances.

I can see how the pressure from your family would be stressful. Hopefully the therapist will be a good support for you. I know my therapist has really helped me, even though my husband with uBPD is unwilling to try therepy at this point. So I agree with Rapt Reader's encouragement to go to therapy even if your bf can't handle it or isn't ready.

Also, the information on this website has been as helpful to me as therepy, quite honestly. Rapt Reader has pointed out some good articles to start with. There is a lot of information to absorb. It takes time to go through everything, but it is worth it. I discovered this site about a year ago, and I'm still learning and processing.

The depression and anxiety makes everything harder. Take it a step at a time.

[Johnsok]

It scares me a lot to think that he might be BPD because he is so impulsive and easy to leave even tho he comes back to me that isn't love and I can't handle it... We are engaged and actually I broke it off until he gets help.

[Suzn]

Hi Johnsok  

Welcome to the boards. We're like family here so feel free to share your thoughts and questions. I'm really glad you found us with what you're going through. I'm sorry things have been so painful for you.  

I agree with the others that your safety comes first. The safety plan link Rapt Reader gave you is a good place to start, just in case things get out of hand again. It's good info to know and plan for if the need arises.

It's understandable you feel afraid that he is BPD. Bpd is not a death sentence, it's a disorder with some predictability so help is available, with the help of your T and the lessons you will find here things can get better. It takes some work on our part to learn and practice the communication skills that are necessary not to trigger the negative behaviors your boyfriend has been showing you.

It's good to hear you are setting boundaries around your future until you are ready to commit to marriage. That's a big step for anyone.

Please do take some time to read over the links you've been given so far, there are many more here that are also helpful. One step at a time.

I'm looking forward to hearing more of your story.  

[hellosun]

It is really good you were able to communicate that boundry to him.

I agree with Suzn that there really is some excellent knowledge available on BPD, and some effective treatment approaches as well. Ultimately, it will be your bf's choice to engage in the recovery process or not.

Hopefully the therapist will be able to provide a diagnosis. It is possible your bf has another personality disorder, such as NPD, or some combination of BPD and other disorders as well. It is so confusing and scary to be in the dark and not really understand your bf's behaviours and thought processes. I think once you have a better idea of what you are dealing with, it will be easier to decide your next steps.