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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: OM or OW in our kids lives  (Read 468 times)
Eco
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« on: April 09, 2015, 11:53:39 PM »

Ive seen a few posts on this subject and wanted to get some opinions and advice.

This is something I struggle with, what is acceptable and what isn't? how do you guys and gals deal with it? does it bother you?

Im trying to get to the root of my own issues with this, by nature im very protective of people who are close to me and especially kids.

I grew up with a NPD father and a very co dependent mother so I have unresolved issues with self esteem and self worth, Ive struggled with feeling that I was never good enough in life but ive come along way in the past 10 years. Im sure that these issues are what causes my feelings regarding OM in my kids lives.

when me and my sons mom (she isn't BPD) divorced in 2007 my son was 4 she moved in with the guy she was cheating on me with. I refused to let my son move in with this guy because of the confusion it would bring to my son so I fought for custody and got it. my sons mom since then has been married 2 more times and about to be a 3rd, so as you can see she has had a slew of men come around my son. one thing I realized that helped was that no matter what I would always be dad to my son.

While I did work through my issues of fear that I would be replaced in my sons life, I think that because I had custody of my son and was able to see him daily and the fact that his mom wasn't trying to alienate him from me helped.

Its different with my daughter because Im not primary and time is very limited with her and her mom ( she isn't my sons mom) is NPD and is trying to alienate me. another problem is I don't trust my ex with her judgment, for instance after only knowing me for 2 weeks she wanted me to watch her kids (both young girls ) while she went to work Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

  About 6 months ago the guy my ex tried to have a relationship with before me started hanging around, This guy being around my daughter flared up my issues about being replaced as my daughters dad. Mainly because the fact that he may be spending more time with her then me and also her only being not even two yet, plus the fact that my ex was worse then about PA. my worries were that this guy might be watching my daughter while my ex wasn't around as well.

another issue is that my ex cant seem to keep a relationship past 6 months so I worry about that as well, sure enough a few weeks ago this guy quit coming around and my ex was super deregulated so I assume it ended.

I know I don't control what goes on in my exs life nor should I or want to, one thing that has helped is I tell myself to keep doing what im doing with my daughter, keep my eyes open, and know that I will always be her dad.

I would like to correct these issues so I can be a better father, with divorce or a end to any relationship people will move on and new people will be involved. I just wish I didn't bother me so much, myself I haven't even thought of dating because my daughter is so young and I want to wait till she is old enough to understand.

If anyone has any advice or opinions I would love to hear them
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« Reply #1 on: April 11, 2015, 05:12:50 PM »

I think a lot of it has to do with what you can control on the one hand (not much concerning the OP, and certainly not their SO), what you can do on your time with your child or children. Maybe that has everything to do with it.

We can watch for signs of things amiss, but short of some type of felonious activity or blatant violations of a court order, there probably isn't much we can do. I've been told by multiple people, even a couple who never liked my Ex, that as long as the other man treats my kids right, then that is the best I can hope for. That's a kind of radical acceptance. In my case, the kids might figure out at some point how he came into the picture, but that is something that we will deal with then.
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Mutt
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« Reply #2 on: April 11, 2015, 08:54:07 PM »

I had the same fears that I'd be replaced as dad. I think the best thing to do is be a good role model. You seem like a sympathetic, empathic and sensible man.

Be the best that you can. Your exes and OM's can't take that from you.

It's been two years since the split and I'm just starting to date. The kids were going through a lot and I didn't want to add more to their plates.

The kids asked why I didn't have a mom ( girlfriend ) I told them I'm taking care and spending time with them now and that'll come later. My D9 said ":)ad it takes time to find someone and you don't want to rush" My ex moved in the OM 3 weeks after the split

My sons are younger, they may understand later and for now they don't seem to understand. Kids are more resilient than we think and handle change easier than adults do. I do the best that I can with providing stability and routine regardless of my exe and her instability, dysfunction and self centeredness.
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« Reply #3 on: April 11, 2015, 10:36:40 PM »

That's interesting your kids used the term "mom" Mutt. Even your 9 year old? It gives insight into the child mind and how they view the world.
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Eco
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« Reply #4 on: April 11, 2015, 11:36:21 PM »

Excerpt
That's a kind of radical acceptance. In my case, the kids might figure out at some point how he came into the picture, but that is something that we will deal with then.

yeah radical acceptance is a great tool, its something im trying to apply more of

Excerpt
Be the best that you can. Your exes and OM's can't take that from you.

that's right, I keep that in mind to keep my values intact

Excerpt
It's been two years since the split and I'm just starting to date. The kids were going through a lot and I didn't want to add more to their plates.

that's my thoughts as well for my daughter

thanks for all the advice and support
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Eco
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« Reply #5 on: April 11, 2015, 11:58:30 PM »

Excerpt
I had the same fears that I'd be replaced as dad.

I think I worried so much because my daughter never saw me and her mom together, my ex was 3 months pregnant when it ended. that has to be confusing to my daughter
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« Reply #6 on: April 12, 2015, 12:11:16 AM »

Excerpt
I had the same fears that I'd be replaced as dad.

I think I worried so much because my daughter never saw me and her mom together, my ex was 3 months pregnant when it ended. that has to be confusing to my daughter

We are our children's mirrors until they develop into independent beings. As long as you project that you are her father, she will mirror that, then internalize it and take it with her. You can never be replaced. 
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« Reply #7 on: April 13, 2015, 01:35:14 PM »

Hi Eco,

From your ex's past history, it's probably more likely that your D will not establish long-lasting ties or bonds with ex's OM because these guys will rotate in and out like seasonal fashion.

However, I do think parental alienation is a constant concern when there is a BPD parent involved. It goes with the territory.  The more time you get with your D, the better for the two of you. I think Richard Warshak says that in Divorce Poison.

My best friend is a grandmother to a wonderful grandson, who is now 5. His parents live very chaotic disjointed lives, and the dad has BPD traits. Her GS5 said to her once, "You are my mom, and my dad." My friend is a grounded, emotionally healthy person who is a natural validator and has excellent boundaries. She creates a calm, loving environment for GS5. He knows that when he needs to take a break from the chaos, he can recharge at his grandma's house. I think in his heart he knows what "mom" and "dad" should feel like, and he isn't getting that from his nutty parents. He does know, however, that he gets that feeling when he's with his grandma. She feels like "mom" and "dad" should feel.

Your D may grow up feeling the same way. You will be her beacon, her constant beam of light, her safe haven, the steadfast, stable loving dad. Imagine if you had someone like that in your life. It would be no small thing.

Meanwhile, keep working on getting more time with her. 




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Eco
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« Reply #8 on: April 13, 2015, 10:39:44 PM »

Excerpt
Your D may grow up feeling the same way. You will be her beacon, her constant beam of light, her safe haven, the steadfast, stable loving dad. Imagine if you had someone like that in your life. It would be no small thing.

Thanks L&L, that's my goal.
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Eco
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« Reply #9 on: April 13, 2015, 10:44:21 PM »

Excerpt
We are our children's mirrors until they develop into independent beings. As long as you project that you are her father, she will mirror that, then internalize it and take it with her. You can never be replaced

I think that's what saved me so far, I have really made a point that I am her father.
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Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #10 on: April 13, 2015, 10:57:04 PM »

Excerpt
We are our children's mirrors until they develop into independent beings. As long as you project that you are her father, she will mirror that, then internalize it and take it with her. You can never be replaced

I think that's what saved me so far, I have really made a point that I am her father.

It's something special, little girls and their fathers. You're the first man she'll ever love, and she'll carry that with her forever.

I see it now. Even though my D got mad at me this morning and screamed because I wouldn't give her Yoo-Hoo for breakfast, she was fine as we left the house (love doesn't mean no discipline or boundaries). As I dropped her off at my ex-MIL's, I picked her up in the air and put her head to mine, "I love you, D2," and she looked into my eyes. I kissed and hugged her goodbye, saying I'd see her in a few days. She hugged my tightly, then I let her go, knowing I would see her then.

You're her dad, Eco. She knows that. Things change quickly at this age, and she'll realize it more and more faster than you'll realize...
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« Reply #11 on: April 13, 2015, 11:21:27 PM »

That's a beautiful analogy L&L, and that's who we should strive to be in our children's lives; the safe stable adult who is always there.

We can't be focusing on what the BPD is doing and not doing, the dysfunction going on in their lives. We have no control.   It drove us crazy while in relationships with them, we can't let them drive us crazy now.  We need to focus on being the safe stable adult parent for our children.  They deserve at least one.  When we have confidence we are that parent and have that relationship with our child, BPD antics cannot destroy it.  As kids mature, they catch on.  They are not very old when they realize they are more mature than their BPD parent and will need coping skills, not another insecure spazzed out adult sized toddler.
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Eco
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« Reply #12 on: April 14, 2015, 05:17:37 PM »

Excerpt
They are not very old when they realize they are more mature than their BPD parent and will need coping skills, not another insecure spazzed out adult sized toddler.

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  That is so true
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