An update... and the issue of the month

[Cat21]

Hi everyone-

My last update was about my uBPDh and I on our house hunting adventure. His behavior was on a good streak (3-4 months long with no incidents), but in the thick of looking for a home (which we need to move into because I'm due with our first child in July, and there isn't enough room in our current 1 bedroom condo), he began to fall apart. Nothing was good enough about the homes we were viewing, they weren't the right price point, the commute was too far, etc. etc. All the while, I did 100% of the work- he did nothing but complain. Ultimately, we chose a home and made an offer that same day (pretty typical of our area), and the offer was accepted. It took him a few weeks to come around, but he did and now seems glad about the move- we will officially move in in 2 weeks.

As far as dysregulations, etc., there really haven't been any. And, his critical nitpicking has toned way down. He has cut back on drinking and for the most part, has been supportive of whatever I need in my pregnancy. The one sore spot is his relationship with his sister. I posted a little bit about her on the siblings/in-law board, but didn't get much of a response, so I thought I'd try here. I could write a book, but I'll try to boil it down the best I can.

I'm fairly certain that his older sister (only sibling) has NPD. The more I learn about his FOO's history, the more I am convinced that his behavior/personality traits are because of her and the way his parents have always treated her. She is the center of their family (they all admit to that), and is very controlling and manipulative. For as long as my H and I have been together (8 years), I've never felt completely accepted by her and have witnessed countless arguments/dysregulations/issues blown completely out of proportion between her and my H. I've stayed out of it for years, but recently, I've been brought into it. Ever since we announced our pregnancy, she's become worse. The most recent fights (which drag on for days) have been about the purchase of our home (and her disapproval of it), my baby shower (she claims we dis-invited her and don't want her there- none of that is true), and most recently, her insistence on paying for her parents' travel arrangements to visit my H and I after the baby is born. In an effort to spite my H (with whom all of these fights take place), she emailed me about the baby shower issue; it was the most passive-aggressive manipulative thing I've ever read. She's called me many names behind my back (never to my face), and has accused me of brainwashing my husband and destroying her relationship with him.

My H is aware of her issues, and has made some good changes in the last few years. The problem lies in the fact that he's able to recognize her irrationality (and call her on it) in the moment, but in the day or days after the fight, he goes right back to abiding by her and puts her back up on her pedestal. His disapproval of her actions is VERY short-lived and often, he will do a 180 and agree with her entirely when in the midst of the fight, it was the opposite. He very much wants the two of us to be friends, despite the fact that she can be an utterly horrible human being and speak very badly of me. Why in the hell would I ever want to be friends?

We've had several fights about her and her behavior in the last few months and I am now at a point where I'm not sure what else to do. He admits that she has problems, and is capable of calling her out on them, but still gets sucked back under her thumb. Last night he said to me, "If I ever had to choose between you and my sister, I would probably run and hide." To his pregnant wife- this is what he said.

Thoughts? Advice?

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[maxsterling]

Wow - I've seen this one before.

But first - 3-4 months without a major dysregulation?  I'm totally envious    I'm sure the negative attitudes and criticisms are bad enough, though.

Regarding your situation - I see this with my wife so often.  And with our recent wedding, this was the MAJOR source of stress between us.  Typical situation would be her upset by something someone in her or my family would be doing, then I would tell her I am choosing to stay out of it, her feeling invalidated that I did not show the same level of anger towards the family member that she did, then her being mad at me over it.  Yet, she'd let the family member get under her skin, have a complete inability to walk away, then try and re engage the family member and get upset all over again. 

My suggestion is to do what is best for you.  If that means a boundary between yourself and your SIL, have that boundary.  If your H wants to get all worked up, that's his issue.  Sounds like he could use some lessons on codependency or alanon.  But try to be gently about it - listen to his concerns, state that you have the same frustrations with her, and then your truth that you have the frustrations, but recognize the best solution for you is to choose not to deal with her drama.

[Cat21]

Thanks, max. I definitely consider myself lucky that things have been *relatively* calm in the last few months.

You're right about the boundary with SIL. My plan is to respond with kindness and detach from the drama. My H, in general, does a good job of not telling me "the whole story", but he does tell me about their arguments because I know he needs to vent and get it out. Validating his feelings in their arguments isn't hard because she is usually wrong, and he is usually right!

I guess my bigger fear is that things will continue to escalate drama-wise and could be worse after the baby is born. My personal belief is that she is jealous and knows that her kids will no longer be the only grandchildren. Not only that, but she'll have to deal with the fact that there will be 2 people taking away from her time in the spotlight with my H. I've already told my H that if she comes to our home and makes any comments about our parenting choices and what we're "not doing right", I will not hesitate to tell her where she can shove it. 

As I said, the real challenge is the inconsistency in my husband's position. In the heat of the moment, he is capable of calling it like it is and defends me fiercely. But the next day, it's like nothing happened and he is actively trying to get me to like his sister, be her friend, and blindly accept her faults. According to him,  she controls her family members out of love.

[waverider]

One reason could be that he never had a close healthy bond with his sister, and hence can't break it and move on, he is stuck still trying to get the bond he has never had.

His triggers in the moment cause anger to come out, when that adrenalin/emotional reaction fades the old desire for a "normal" bond comes back.

Its like the little piggy who keeps inviting the wolf around, then complains when the wolf tries to blow his house down again. But he can't let the wolf go so keeps sending out invites. The piggy is stuck in the nursery rhyme, hoping for a happy ending.

Lack of consistent boundaries by your H feeds his sister sense of entitlement. Did she cause H's issues, probably not, but would most definitely have inflamed them.

Best you can do is stay out of it otherwise you will find yourself at odds with your H as his current frame of mind has reversed and yours hasn't.