Seeking some advice on a situation I am in with someone with BPD. Thank you

[kismet12]

Just found this forum, and am so grateful. I have been reading a lot and learning about BPD in the last couple weeks, and I just want to say that it is harrowing and debilitating, and I wish everyone who suffers from it the absolute best for recovery and all the love in the world.

I’ll try to keep it brief, but am just looking for some advice.

I have known a woman who suffers from BPD for many years. We tried to date about 7 years ago, and there were ups and downs and it didn’t work out, and didn’t see each other for years, but I kept in touch a couple times a year just to let her know I was there, since I was still confused about what happened, and still loved her. I knew something was wrong, but wasn’t sure what, and probably tried a bit too hard to help her, and I pushed her away.

We kept in touch over the years, and reconnected about 5 months ago. Had a nice date, and went on a 12 day trip around the world. An awesome experience, even though we just went as friends. There was attraction, and it was hard to just be friends, but that’s what we did, and it was a memorable trip.

We came back and started dating slowly. Having fun. Felt good. And we got to the point where we weren’t sleeping together yet, but I was getting texts from her daily, and feeling like emotional support, which I did not mind. But as she has mentioned past boyfriends, I felt like she was capable of a relationship. She had mentioned that she really needs to trust someone and love them and be with them in order to be more intimate, so I told her that I was not dating other people and would like to try and relationship.

In retrospect, perhaps I should’ve let her make make this jump, but I didn’t want to get too far into the friend zone, and wanted her to let her know what I was open to.

Communication issues, anger issues, walking on eggshells, extreme sensitivity was there earlier, and those things continued, and she also has a history of self-harm, so I am very confident that it is BPD, in addition to extremely stormy family relationships.

So I wanted to earn her trust and let her know that I was there for her. But I was not pushy about it in the least. There was no trying to “fix” her or help her. Just letting her know what I was up for and what I wanted.

We continued hanging out, and after I started learning about BPD, we had an extremely honest and real and mature conversation, where we were extremely connected, as I was learning how to communicate better and not take things personally, even when she was very angry and/or sensitive. Was being more firm and creating boundaries. This very honest conversation was one I initiated after 2 weeks of silence following a bad conversation where we did not connect, and I just asked her if she wanted to talk. That’s when I learned I had to communicate differently with her, and I did, and it was miraculous. Then we had a good couple weeks. Ran a half marathon together, and had a few great dates.

Which brings me to where we are at now. We sent some flirty texts 3 weeks ago, watched a movie and drank wine, all feeling very connected. The next day, she said that she did not want to go to a work event that she had to go to, so I said that she was welcome to contact me for a nightcap if she wanted, and she thanked me for that. I didn’t hear from her, which was fine of course, and wrote her 2 days later, asking if she would like to get together before I left town for a few days for a work event the following week. All very normal (seeming). And I have heard nothing back.

I have not contacted her since (3 weeks), and am wondering if I should. We have had many ups and downs, but were starting to connect much better. And I have been doing even more reading about BPD, and feel like there were definitely many things I could’ve done better. But I was never needy or clingy. I just didn’t enter some situations as well as I could’ve, and of course sometimes the smallest comment will set someone with BPD off and then silence. So I know that even bringing up the idea of a relationship may have made her anxious, or even me asking her out a few weeks ago after hanging out a few days prior was just too much for her and made her feel claustrophobic. Or maybe it's none of this.

Our last time hanging out was a great movie night, and not a fight or anything of the sort. Perhaps I should’ve have just given it a week then. But we had been talking everyday, and I of course did not know nearly as much about BPD as I do now, 3 weeks later. Since then, I have come to the understanding that we just cannot be in a relationship, and I am not going to force that in the least, which I didn’t do before either, but I did bring it up and say I was open to it. So part of me would like to tell her that, and just say very objectively that we have a lot of fun doing certain things (going on trips, running races), and that I am open to limiting our relationship to those things that are exciting and make us feel good and nothing more.

I know that we cannot just be friends that go and catch up over coffee, but I feel like we can do some things and still have fun. And another part of me feels like if I write her to see if she wants to just talk and have a conversation about that, and let her know these things (that I realize a relationship will just not work for us, and set that boundary, but that we might be able to still have fun doing a few activities, since they are exciting and I can let go of those other “love” feelings in the name of fun), I may not hear back from her, or she may just ask me to not write again. So that is the risk. If she wants me to let her go, I will. But if we can still have some fun, I would like to let her know that. While we do have a history of up and downs and complication (years ago), everything now seems much simpler.

We left it on a great note, and me asking her out and not hearing back. So part of me wants to relieve that “relationship” pressure, and part of me feels like I would be setting a boundary by just doing my own thing and letting her make the call about whether she wants to be in touch. Either way, I haven't written back when I didn't hear from her, so part of me wants to leave it at that and let her know that I will not be in touch until she reaches out, and part of me wants to see if she wants to talk or send an email saying that I realize we cannot be in a relationship, but I am open to such and such. Think she’ll be in touch and I’ll get that chance?

I just feel like we keep moving forward and not backward, as I learn about BPD, and would at least like to let her know my thoughts, but maybe best to just wait. What do you suggest I do? Hmmm.

Thank you so much for any advice you can give. It feels good to just get this written down and out into the world to people who will understand. I have been pretty strong throughout this process, and am living my life, but it still hurts of course, especially if we have a chance to talk things out a bit and come to an understanding. I just feel like me and her can still have some fun if she’s ever up for it. And maybe I initiate that with an email seeing if she wants to talk, or with one just letting her know my thoughts, and maybe I don’t.

Any advice to give? Thank you so much!

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[waverider]

Hi Kismet12

It seems like you have been a very supportive friend. You have done as much as you can do. You cannot control someone else, you have presented options the rest is her choice.

When dealing with pwBPD their actions and directions can be inconsistent. This will always leave us feeling "what if I had done this, or that, instead?". You have to let this go.

Be very careful of getting yourself entrenched in rescuer role.

Moving up to the next stage of commitment may very well have caused a crossroads for her, but this is part of life's moving forward. Don't get fooled into trying to roll things back to the way they were. This rarely happens when BPD is involved. The initial stages are unique and will not be repeated. They are unique to that stage of a relationship.

Keep reading and posting and you start be more at ease with yourself



Waverider

[kismet12]

Thank you for your response, Waverider.

If you don't mind me running just a few things by you, it would be awesome, if anyone else on here has any ideas.

Thanks for listening, and your feedback below is really helpful. I do feel like I was a supportive friend. We had a great night 3 1/2 weeks ago, some texting the next day, then I asked her out a couple days after. I didn't hear back, and have not written since. So I feel good about that, about setting that boundary of not "chasing." I am a bit remiss about not learning more about BPD sooner, but I feel like the last few interactions were very very nice and warm, so if that is how we leave it, awesome. But I feel like as things were escalating and we were writing every day, I brought up the idea of a relationship. I believe that perhaps I maybe didn't have to, and we could continue with non-committal fun. But would have happened then? Would she have brought it up eventually? Would it have to come up, and the same result would've happened? Also, I definitely feel like I gave more in the relationship, but wasn't needy, or pouring on affection in the least. She said she was having a bad day the last time we talked and I offered to grab a nightcap/movie with her, as we had prior in the week. Was that playing the "rescuer" role, or does that not fit into that category, and just fits into the "being a good friend" category?

Lastly, I will move on and not reach out unless she does, but in your experience, if our last interaction was a good/simple one, and it's been 3 weeks, do you think she'll reach out? If she does, I have more knowledge now, and will tread carefully, and maybe even just say "I can't do this, let's be friends" if it feels appropriate, but I would like to have that chance. Think I may get it in your experience? I know it's impossible to say, but your advice is appreciated. A lot of people read my post and you wrote back, and even if you can't respond to this, I really appreciate that. Trying to be strong, but a bit hurt as well. I do not want to be hurt again, but would like the chance to hang out with her again in relaxed/fun way if she reaches out. Hope you're having a good night, and thanks again for helping me make sense of all this!

[Rapt Reader]

Lastly, I will move on and not reach out unless she does, but in your experience, if our last interaction was a good/simple one, and it's been 3 weeks, do you think she'll reach out? If she does, I have more knowledge now, and will tread carefully, and maybe even just say "I can't do this, let's be friends" if it feels appropriate, but I would like to have that chance. Think I may get it in your experience?

Hello, kismet12 & I'd like to join waverider in welcoming you to this site 

I'm not him (of course   ) but I do know that if you don't have any ideas why she never answered your last communication, it's pretty difficult for those of us who aren't you (  ) to know just why she hasn't responded. Assuming that she received it in the first place, the fact that she never got back to you may have nothing to do with BPD at all. Maybe she's just not on the same page as you are with this relationship; maybe she was scared off by the prospect of a more romantic situation with you, or maybe she has decided that what she wants in life is something different.

It could be good ol' human nature... .You guys had fun together, things seemed to be progressing, and she decided she wanted to move on. You've probably done that yourself with other women, she's probably done that with other men, I've done it myself with guys who I'd thought might be acceptable romantic partners and then backed off before it got that far because something just didn't "seem right" at that time. Who knows?

I'd hate to see you tangle yourself over trying to figure this out, like there is some sort of missing BPD piece to this puzzle that if you could just find it, you could finish this puzzle and make everything work out. It might not even be that complex, you know? She may have just quietly stopped responding to you before things got any further, to spare you any possible pain in the future... .If that is so, she is not any different than any other female that I know (myself included), BPD or not (and I am not BPD  ) when faced with the same situation.

Maybe, if I were you, I would just try to let this go for now, live my life with a different future in mind, and then if she contacts you again try to decide if you want to start all over with her, or pick up where you left off. You probably did nothing "wrong" kismet12, and torturing yourself over it could be time-consuming and fruitless, if that is the case. I'm sorry you are in so much hurt and confusion over this; it's always hard when the object of our affection isn't responding