Really confuzzled, shocked and downright inept

[gah]

Well hello everyone - good and sad to meet you all here!  Wish we'd all have met in different circumstances... .

I am a mess.  Same story I've read a lot on here.  Amazing boyfriend, best relationship ever, then one day out of the blue there was rage!  It was nasty, horrible, abusive, nonsensical, punishing, illogical and very hurtful.  Who is this person?  

No idea what the trigger was but we just bought a real fixer-upper house together.  At first I thought commitment issues, then thought he was cheating (my own trust/jealousy issue - he's not), then the pressure of the house... .and then that he just didn't like me.  I really have no idea... .do you?

He is undiagnosed - and while I don't have a psyche degree, from everything I've read, he would seem to fit the bill.

I gave back as good as I got... .clearly the wrong thing. My amgdala put me in fight mode.  This was clearly unproductive and has damaged our relationship as well.

Since we moved into the house three weeks ago he has had 1.5 days where he is the man I fell in love with.  I am a strong career woman with great research skills, I have an awesome friend who's husband has BPD to turn to, but I think with years of my own therapy I am completely discombobulated about what I am supposed to do.  I have been completely devalued, I am blamed for everything, he twists and uses everything against me, changes his mind, nothing I do is right and it feels like he hates me.

Do I set and enforce boundaries when he's in this never ending episode?  :)o I wait till he's calm?  If?  I am trying hard not to JADE, to validate, but he is doing things to bait me and I'm hook, line and sinker.  I am angry (booked an appt with a therapist), I love the guy, I know I can't help him (I've had a lot of therapy/al-anon after dating addicts), but what do I do to get him back to white thinking of me?  What is the best behavior I can (try to) do?

Half of me wants to run away fast and the other half wants the sweet guy back.  I could handle this in small doses over time, but it's been almost three straight weeks.  PLus, he does things to intentionally hurt me.

Today, he threatened me that it was over, played games, keeps contacting me, says it's over then asks me if he can come to something with me on Tues (his bday) and I say, "I'd still love to spend your birthday with you" and he says no thanks... .

I want to give him space, but worry about the abandonment... .its a push/pull dance of intimacy thing too. So if I back off will this help?  

Obviously, I'm confused... .and I need your help - I am completely overwhelmed and inept.

Thanks so much!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cole]

Welcome. gah.

You are in the right place; your initial post sounds much like almost all of ours.

Two things to do right now:

First, remember that you cannot make things better until you stop making them worse. This can be hard to do, but you will find much of what you need in discussions on this forum and in the lessons on the right side for the page. Read the lessons thoroughly!   

Second, take care of yourself if you want to be able to take care of your significant other with BPD. This is something I did not do for years, so I was not able to stop making things worse. Booking an appointment with a therapist is a good start.

[babyducks]

Hi Gah,

Welcome.   Take a couple of deep breaths and try to relax the knots in your muscles.   Trust me that will help.

It makes sense that the stress of moving has triggered him.   I bet it was stressful for you to move and you have developed coping skills and likely aren't dealing with emotional hyper reactivity.

I read this quote from some one who was diagnosed with BPD

The only way to understand  is to assume their needs in terms of affection, support, understanding and human warmth are infinitely larger than the needs that can reasonably be met in the world as it is. This is why these needs will inevitably remain unmet and result in a borderline personality disorder person feeling frustration, anger and hostility

I have a couple of rehearsed phrases that I rely on when my partner is stuck in frustration anger and hostility.

I don't have to think about them.   I can't just pull them out and tweak them for what is going on at the moment.  They look like this:

I understand that you are upset about the cat throwing up in the laundry basket.  I can see why it would bother you that happened.   

When I hear yelling, door slamming, name calling (fill in the blank) that really bothers me so I am going to have a cup of tea on the back porch until I feel better.

I'll be back to help with the laundry after my cup of tea.

In this example I am trying to validate the feeling of being annoyed the cat puked in the laundry.  I won't engage in any blame of who left the laundry basket where and how did the cat get into the laundry basket blah blah blah.  That's going nowhere.

I like the When I experience ______I feel_____so I am going to ________ format of getting out of an deregulated moment.   It's all about my feelings so its harder for my partner to argue with.   Not that she doesn't try sometimes.   

I also try to put a time when I will be returning so as not trigger abandonment fears.

Today, he threatened me that it was over, played games, keeps contacting me, says it's over then asks me if he can come to something with me on Tues (his bday) and I say, "I'd still love to spend your birthday with you" and he says no thanks... .

That's hard stuff.   A pwBPD believes  that the emotions of the moment are totally accurate and will last forever and the also see their emotions as being caused by others or by events outside themselves, with no belief that they have any sort of control over their emotions.  They think/feel that the only way to change how they feel is to get other people or events to change.  So he is trying to change his uncomfortable feelings by either blaming you for them or changing you.   

I would suggest the best thing you can do is figure out what you want about Tuesday his birthday and be as consistent as heck about it. 

When I think about Tuesday being your birthday I would still like to spend some celebratory time with you so I would be happy to go to ______ with you if you want to.   And then leave it alone.

Just my thoughts,   your mileage may vary as they say in the commercials.

'ducks

[gah]

Thank you so much for the replies - I just saw them today.  It makes sense, but I blew it yesterday.  I just posted this because I didn't think I had any replies... .I really need advice since I messed-up so badly.

My SO has devalued me. We got close, bought a house and then the rage started before we even moved in - he twists things, I'm to blame for everything and everything about me seems to irritate him. I was not aware he was BPD and he is undiagnosed. It has been three weeks of hell.  He has been brutal.  I still love him and want to work this out.  I am prepared to research, learn and see a therapist.

He has been baiting me.  I am good for awhile with validation techniques but, not equipped for this, for so long,  I have taken the bait.  And several times over the course of our relationship I have threatened to end it - unaware of BPD.  During this episode, he has pointed out, by date, exactly when I've done it.  After three weeks of sheer mind spinning hell I said if you leave we are done I am not posturing. He left.  I so hate my brain sometimes - I knew he was baiting me at the time too.

If I don't text him for a few hours he bait's me... .now he says we're done and I don't want to be (clearly I need to work on my boundaries). 

This is where I need some clarity. I think he may be punishing me in protection mode and I'm unclear if he really wants me to leave?  I don't want to be the hanger-on-er if he means it.  I told him that if he wants to end our relationship to change our status on Facebook - he hasn't done that.  I'm wondering if he's testing me? 

"In the interest of not doing the same escalating dance I think it's prudent to realize we can't live with the conditions imposed. I will move into another room while you sort things out. I'm not about to give any time lines as I'm not planning on doing anything except work, look after myself and repair the house. It would be grossly unfair to get you to find a place that takes a large pet, this way you don't need storage or a pet sitter. However it would be ludicrous and detrimental to continue this path we have been following"

Any thoughts?

[Mike-X]

Thank you for posting this. I am sorry that this has all happened. As I read through your post, I got the impression that you were personalizing a lot of his responses and behavior. Of course, this is understandable. I went through a similar pattern of escalation with my ex-uBPDgf. We bought a house together, and the cycle of dysregulation began. I never knew that someone so petite and beautiful could unleash so much rage. Unfortunately, I didn't discover BPD and the communication tools until almost a year into the relationship. I very much personalized all of it. I took all of her rages and accusations as personal attacks on who I was. There were definitely things that I need to change about how I was communicating with her, but communication issues did not merit the attacks that were hurled at me. However, somewhere along the way I had an "ah-ha" experience. The attacks were about her disorder, her core issues, and didn't really have anything to do with me or anything that I had done. This knowledge began helping me to stay centered during the dysregulation and helped me to feel empathy for her rather than defensive.

One exercise that you might try here is taking what you have written and depersonalize it by discussing his behaviors (or non-behaviors) in terms of BPD symptoms and core issues.

For example: "If I don't text him for a few hours he bait's me." (I dealt with this a lot.) His fear of abandonment seems to be triggered when I am away and he hasn't heard from me over some period of time. Instead of expressing what I think are his true feelings of missing me triggering his fear of abandonment to get the best of him, he sends a response like, "xxxx", that I believe is the disorder projecting this anxiety or fear as being caused by my not wanting to be with him because I didn't text him. I think that he is avoiding this core issue because it is painful for him and misattributing his arousal/anxiety to being caused by me not wanting to be in the relationship.



Therapy can fix the core issues. However, if you are like I was, recognizing and accepting the core cause of the behavior will allow you to depersonalize the behavior, stay centered, empathize, and respond using the communication tools like SET.

What do you think?

My SO has devalued me. We got close, bought a house and then the rage started before we even moved in - he twists things, I'm to blame for everything and everything about me seems to irritate him. I was not aware he was BPD and he is undiagnosed. It has been three weeks of hell.  He has been brutal.  I still love him and want to work this out.  I am prepared to research, learn and see a therapist.

He has been baiting me.  I am good for awhile with validation techniques but, not equipped for this, for so long,  I have taken the bait.  And several times over the course of our relationship I have threatened to end it - unaware of BPD.  During this episode, he has pointed out, by date, exactly when I've done it.  After three weeks of sheer mind spinning hell I said if you leave we are done I am not posturing. He left.  I so hate my brain sometimes - I knew he was baiting me at the time too.

If I don't text him for a few hours he bait's me... .now he says we're done and I don't want to be (clearly I need to work on my boundaries). 

This is where I need some clarity. I think he may be punishing me in protection mode and I'm unclear if he really wants me to leave?  I don't want to be the hanger-on-er if he means it.  I told him that if he wants to end our relationship to change our status on Facebook - he hasn't done that.  I'm wondering if he's testing me? 

[Mike-X]

"In the interest of not doing the same escalating dance I think it's prudent to realize we can't live with the conditions imposed. I will move into another room while you sort things out. I'm not about to give any time lines as I'm not planning on doing anything except work, look after myself and repair the house. It would be grossly unfair to get you to find a place that takes a large pet, this way you don't need storage or a pet sitter. However it would be ludicrous and detrimental to continue this path we have been following"

I think it is clear and would be fine if written for someone without BPD. However, if written for someone with BPD, I worry that many of the statements will expose their issue of wounded, low self-esteem and trigger dysregulation.

[vortex of confusion]

This is where I need some clarity. I think he may be punishing me in protection mode and I'm unclear if he really wants me to leave?  I don't want to be the hanger-on-er if he means it.  I told him that if he wants to end our relationship to change our status on Facebook - he hasn't done that.  I'm wondering if he's testing me? 

When I read this, I was reminded of where I was and how far I have come. My husband and I have done the whole back and forth thing where both of us were back and forth about leaving or staying. It was a threat that both of us used to ruffle each others feathers. I remember how I would get into such a tizzy over it.

In that moment, he probably does want to leave you. When that moment passes, he doesn't want to leave you. It is a moment by moment thing. The last time he threatened to leave, I didn't react and instead said, "Okay. Let's start looking at the bills and the bank accounts and start separating things out and figuring out how to do this." He got snotty and said, "I see that you have been thinking about this and planning it." I responded, "No, I haven't really thought about it. You said that you wanted to leave so I am trying to be practical and honor your request. If we are going to do this, then it needs to be done with a clear head." He backed off pretty quickly.

What has helped me since then is to make up my mind that I am going to stay. That way, when or if he gets in the mood to throw around those kinds of threats, I don't react and go into WOW mode. I let it roll off of me. In the background, I am quietly making sure that I have my own bank account and a contingency plan in case he does follow through some day. I seriously doubt that he will follow through. And, my absolute boundary is abuse. If he gets abusive again, that is going to be a deal breaker.

It helps to figure out what your deal breaker is and make up your mind that you will stay unless the deal breaker happens. That way, you aren't as reactive to the stuff he does. The lessons really helped me to figure out what my values were and how to live them without making my behavior contingent upon what he is or isn't doing.

Also, I have found that it is best to leave off little phrases like "if you want". I have found it best to say what I want as directly as possible. In the example of the birthday stuff, you might try saying something like, "I want to go out with you on your birthday." Or, better yet, "I am going to go out with you on your birthday." And then stick to it. He is liable to change his mind 50 times between now and his birthday. And, he might use it as a tool to upset you or yank your chain.

[Ceruleanblue]

Welcome! I too wish we had met under better circumstances. Your story sounds so much like mine. I too love to research things, analyze things, and I've also had a lot of self therapy to deal with my own issues(get in, do the work, get out type therapy), and to recover from a long standing emotionally/verbally abusive marriage. I KNEW what to look for, and I still wound up with a BPD husband. He really showed little to no signs while we were dating. In fact, I was handling things worse than him, due to what I'd gotten out of. I got therapy, leveled out, we married, and all hell broke loose with him, and his adult kids.

He sounds so much like your BF. I've been back in and out of therapy to deal with all this myself. We both went to the same psychiatrist, and BPDh was upset that I didn't get diagnosed with anything, but he got told he has "traits of a personality disorder", and I'm pretty sure he was told he has BPD, but just won't tell me. He got put into DBT therapy, so what does that say? I do realize they now put people in it that have other diagnoses too, but like your BF, he seems classic case. I'm split black for long periods too, and for over three years I got constant divorce threats(which he knew scared and triggered me). It was his way to control me, and get his own way.

Like your BF, he seems to get pleasure out of hurting me, although he'll say otherwise. Even sexually, he takes a perverse pleasure in hurting me. I've started questioning lately if he might in fact be APD(antisocial, sociopathic), due to his enjoyment of hurting me. He's also gotten to the point several times of being physical with me. He doesn't outright hit me, but I end up hurt. He has a long history of issues with past bosses, and interpersonal relationship issues, and like you, I'm blamed for all, he judges me super harshly, and I'm basically afraid to talk to him.

I'm using the skills from here, and reading books, and hoping he applies some of the things he learns in DBT. Oh, and my BPDh had the ability to sway therapists into thinking he's "normal" sometimes, and he projects so much onto me. He's been with his normal T for four years, and she's clearly enabled him, not pushed him, and his psychiatrist told him he needs a new therapist, but BPDh won't find another.

It's all such a struggle. I know I can't change him, I can only change me, and learn some tools, but it seems when I find one that sort of works, he goes off in another scary direction. Keep coming here, as this has been a great resource for me.

[Loosestrife]

Hi, sorry your going through this. Baby ducks gives some good advice. However, please put yourself first. If it gets too much it's okay to go and stay with a friend for a few days. I have  told my SO that the next time they end the relationship I am walking away as it's unhealthy for me to be frequently threatened.