Temp Separation - discussion rehearsal

[Crumbling]

So, I've been emotionally preparing myself for a temporary leave from my r/s with my BPDh.  He's not stupid, and he knows that something is amok.  I'm sure he suspects that I'm going to do this, but at some point it is going to have to be talked about.

Last night, I started practising, and visualizing the conversation.  I almost hyperventilated just thinking about it.  I've been trying to keep my boundaries and to stay focused on what is best for me but lately, he has been doing EVERYTHING he is possibly capable of doing to convince me that nothing is wrong in the r/s.  I know it will only last as long as I'm still here, and that if I don't go it will now be seen as a relaxed boundary that he has 'won'.  So I know logically that I can't turn back on this decision now... .but

I think about telling the kids, and their reaction scares me.  I think about telling my mom, who wont understand at all, and it freaks me out.  I think about what will happen in the community when people find out and shutter.  I imagine the logistics of  how things will work on a daily basis, and it feels surreal.  Am I just kidding myself?  Am I not ready for this?

How do I make my H see why this needs to happen?  Am I being unrealistic in thinking that our r/s will be able to handle this upheaval?  I'm still stuck in being scared, I guess.

Any feedback would be appreciated.  Thanks,

c.

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[sweetheart]

Hello crumbling, 

Remember boundaries can be flexible, and by this I mean it doesn't sound like you have to work to a schedule on this, I could be wrong, so can you take more time to prepare emotionally and maybe practically around leaving?

What do you want to say to your h about separation? Can you write it down here?

I can also hear lots of uncertainty in what you have written and that's ok, it's a scary decision to make, the fall out from it leaves you very much in unfamiliar territory. The unknown is scary.

Its also ok to change your mind and stay if you choose to. It's ok to not be ready for this. Sometimes for me the process of working through something emotionally can be enough without the physical act taking place.

Lastly you can't make your h see why this needs to happen, you can tell him it is happening if you go ahead, but what then happens for him, for your r/s is out of your hands. The separation as I understand it is what you want to do for your emotional well being and taking some 'time out ' for you. 

[vortex of confusion]

Take a deep breath! 

First off, I think you are getting way too far ahead of yourself. Have you made a definitive decision about how long the separation is going to last or anything like that?

If I remember correctly, you are taking a room at the place where you will be working. Is there a way to soften the truth a bit? I am not quite sure how to explain it but it seems to me that you are worried about telling everybody that you and your husband are temporarily separating. If it is a temporary separation, why does everybody need to know? You are living somewhere else to make it easier for work.

I feel like one of the things that I have done poorly is being too honest. That isn't to say that I should lie. It is just that I need to give myself space to really process and figure out how I feel. If I get too gung ho about telling people stuff, then that makes things more complicated.

Also, my number one question is "WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT THEY THINK OR HOW THEY WILL REACT?"

You have asked whether or not your r/s will be able to handle the upheaval. Nobody can answer that question right now. I don't think that you can answer it either. It is one of those things where you have to be able to accept whatever eventuality may happen. What is the alternative to NOT separating?

You can't make your husband see anything. It is up to you to decide to do it for yourself without worrying so much about everyone else. (I know, easier said than done.)

 

[Michelle27]

I can only speak from my own experience, and while it was really difficult to come to the decision I did, I knew I had to.  After a boundary of mine was crossed and he was out of the house for 2 weeks, I decided I had no choice but to look at a therapeutic separation, not to avoid him so much as to allow myself to heal and be able to handle the inevitable dysregulations that are going to come my way as he's heading into therapy in the coming months.  I found a room to rent with a sympathetic landlord (been through a divorce himself) who is willing to have each of us there on rotating weeks on a month to month basis.  I broached it to him while he was out, did a lot of thinking about it and looked for a suitable place.  I talked to him about it from the context of both of us needing time to heal and not trigger each other and that I strongly felt that without this break I didn't think I could cope with being there for him for the long haul as he goes through therapy.  He doesn't like it, but from that context, he understood it.

Talking to our daughter was a bit different.  I read advice on what to say to a child in a BPD relationship and used that advice to explain the situation.  I explained that we both wanted time with her and in our home and that because we are both so sensitive to each other, we needed some time to catch our breath in order to come together as a healthier family. 

I'm not gonna lie... .moving stuff over there today (my "shift" begins today after we eat a family dinner) made me nauseous.  He wanted to help and watched me unpack and organize before bringing me home and so far, he's holding himself together.  He did tell me that being apart from me for the 2 weeks before today made him very incapable of thinking straight and I validated that this was difficult for both of us and we both needed to go easy on ourselves and each other. 

Frankly,  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that because there's a long time ahead before I'll be able to relax and handle his dysregulations how I know I should, and for him to have a better handle on not letting them get out of control.  If I stay now with how I'm feeling, I know I'll snap myself and be no good to him or our daughter.  I would end our marriage for sure.

[Crumbling]

Thanks for the responses.  I get freakout moments, and that last post was one of them, I guess.  I am trying to stay focused on the positives.  When I imagine the freedom of dictating my own time, not having to walk on eggshells, and being fully focused on me,  I am strengthened in the idea.

I have considered veiling the whole idea around it being necessary for work, and I may actually go that route.  But, V's right, I can't base my decision on what other people's reactions are going to be.  I need to stay focused on what's right for me, and there is no doubt in my mind that getting some distance away/down time from our everyday life's together will be good for me.  I'm going to try to stay focused on that more.

I don't know if just coming out and saying:  "I'm taking a room at the motel this summer, because it's something I need to do for me." would be the best way to do this.  I almost did this morning, because he was pestering me about how I was doing something, that he had asked me.  It was on the edge of my tongue to say, "see this is why I need space.  I need to be able to make decisions and live with my own choices without you questioning my every move."

I don't know what the right way is.  I know he needs to be in a relatively good place to be able the hear me, but he hasn't really been in the place for a very long time, so I think it's going to come down to just plunging in and laying it all out regardless of everything else.

[vortex of confusion]

Thanks for the responses.  I get freakout moments, and that last post was one of them, I guess.  I am trying to stay focused on the positives.  When I imagine the freedom of dictating my own time, not having to walk on eggshells, and being fully focused on me,  I am strengthened in the idea.

I think most of us have those freak out moments. It is easy to do when thinking about doing things differently. One of the things that I have to try to keep in mind is to STOP fantasizing about things, positive or negative. Sometimes I get caught up in thinking about things (good or bad) and forget to let things unfold. The reality is that you will be working and a lot of your time will be dictated by your employer. There is a possibility that you will have to navigate relationships with coworkers. I don't want to rain on your parade. I am sharing a cautionary tale that I have to remind myself of a lot of the time, which is to live in the moment and stop trying to project or imagine what the future might be like.

I don't know if just coming out and saying:  "I'm taking a room at the motel this summer, because it's something I need to do for me." would be the best way to do this.  I almost did this morning, because he was pestering me about how I was doing something, that he had asked me.  It was on the edge of my tongue to say, "see this is why I need space.  I need to be able to make decisions and live with my own choices without you questioning my every move."

I know you probably already know this. :-) Do NOT say "see this is why I need space." That is horribly invalidating and is loaded with blame. If you need space for you, then you need space for you. It is okay to need space without putting the blame on another person.

I don't know what the right way is.  I know he needs to be in a relatively good place to be able the hear me, but he hasn't really been in the place for a very long time, so I think it's going to come down to just plunging in and laying it all out regardless of everything else.

And what are you going to do if he doesn't get to that relatively good place? There are some things that are difficult to share no matter what place the other person is in. It could be that you start out the conversation with him in a good place and things devolve. You have to mentally prepare yourself for this so that you don't get triggered and send things into a big mess. I have done that more times than I care to admit.

 

[Crumbling]

I told him.

I just jumped in (and not in a blame game, thankfully  ) but just mentioned that I had spoken to my boss about taking the room, during the shoulder seasons.  He didn't go into a total rage, so I must have said something right.  He did go into every perceived fear possible as the outcome of all this.  Things like stating as a fact that this is the first step to divorce, and that's the only possible result of a temp separation.  I just kept repeating that I want what is best for us, and me being healthier is best for us and reassuring him I don't hate him, I don't think he's a monster, etc.

I figured it would be best that he had time to process things, and this week and next will be busy, so I just did it.  It was just a few hours ago, and now he's laying down.  He just called out that he doesn't blame me for feeling this way, he doesn't want to live with him either.

I even showed him a calender, pointed out the few weeks I'd be away compared to all the other days of the year.  I told him he has a choice, to go down the road where all his fears and anxieties live, and believe them and act irrational about the whole thing, or he could trust, and believe and contribute to making it a healing time for both of us.  And that I will be taking the room, regardless of the path he chooses.

My next step is to be validating without bending the boundaries I've been working at developing.  And to stay understanding, I suppose, and watch him close for signs of a crash.

Thanks for the support.

[Grey Kitty]

I'd like to point out that this doesn't have to be a "trial separation" at all.

A couple who are friends of mine have spent many periods of a few months, or even a year or two where they lived in different cities across the country, or even one in the USA and the other in Australia. They are happily married, and always were, as far as I know. It was a case of work in different cities; one time she took a job and there was no work to be found for him in that town, and he looked for a couple years before giving up, and she moved back. A couple times she after she retired and he was still working, she was away for quite a while supporting either their children or her mother who all had medical issues.

What you are doing is completely justifiable for work/commuting reasons.

There is no need to tell your family any more than that it is for work.


It sounds like you are making it into a relationship issue in ways that it doesn't need to be. Perhaps that is because you knew your husband would have a reaction.

Or perhaps it is because you feel the need to separate from your husband for a while for your own peace of mind.


What does it really mean for you? And are you being honest with yourself about what it means?

Please sort this out for yourself... .before you raise the topic with your husband.

[Crumbling]

He is hurt.  He is being brave about the whole thing, but he looks at me differently now.  Like he doesn't know who I am.  That's okay.  It's much easier to validate his fears than deal with his anger.  It's made him realize that I'm serious about making things better.  He knows he hasn't done anything to try to mend things with us, and now there are consequences of that.

He said what if I say nothing to control you for a week, will you change your mind?  Like it has been a 'choice' for him all along. 

He got up this morning before 8am. He kept himself busy while I was out last night, being productive.  He went to bed last night at a half decent hour.  He hasn't done any of this in months and months.

[Grey Kitty]

Will your work schedule give you some sort of a "weekend" where you can come home for a day  or two regularly?

[Crumbling]

I'm hoping, GK.  I don't know if my two days off will be together or not.  They should be, as my boss is pretty flexible at this point.  The plan is to come home on days off, but we wont have the same days off either likely.  At this point, it's still too early to tell.

He got back from his errands, and said he agrees that there is value taking this route.

He gets that it's a smart move financially and logistically.   

"There is nothing to fear but fear itself." - F. D. Roosevelt.

[an0ught]

Hi Crumbling,

He is hurt.  He is being brave about the whole thing, but he looks at me differently now.  Like he doesn't know who I am.  That's okay.  It's much easier to validate his fears than deal with his anger.  It's made him realize that I'm serious about making things better.  He knows he hasn't done anything to try to mend things with us, and now there are consequences of that.

He said what if I say nothing to control you for a week, will you change your mind?  Like it has been a 'choice' for him all along. 

He got up this morning before 8am. He kept himself busy while I was out last night, being productive.  He went to bed last night at a half decent hour.  He hasn't done any of this in months and months.

well done! You took control of yourself and suddenly he has to look at you and can't just assume and imagine. The re-establishment of respect is a very important step. The reduction in rage is very common when the first boundaries are in place (or when you tangibly implement equivalent measures that break the sense of control like you did).

Remember that maintaining boundaries is easier than establishing them. If you focus on respect you will find that some of the progress you see will be lasting.