BPD partner cant see that he has the condition

[moreaware]

I've been with my partner for 25 years and realised that he has BPD. I have become well read on BPD and have been in my own therapy in order to help myself become more self aware and also to support my BPD partner. In the past he has come with me to therapy, but its never lasted more than 2 sessions, as his behavior's and lack of self awareness have made therapy impossible.

I desperately want him to go for therapy, but its almost as though his BP traits hinder him in realizing that he actually has the illness. When he's been to see therapists in the past, hes simply told them that he's fine and it all my fault. The last therapist actually suggested he leave me!

Any advice please.

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[kai1988ss]

My husband took so long to realize he had anything wrong with him, finally be able to see bits of it in perspective not fully yet. If your spouse is anything like my husband... .Nothing really worked I would instead of argue or agree because it was pointless to hash or exhausted to deal with it at times. When I  blamed or he starts to get ill at me I'd stop really listen. Then I would just say ok what can I do to help this situation... .Not thinking he has to put in effort too. Working with psychiatrist I had to learn to take everyday differently and take a break literally... .  I'm still working through all the info a bit overwhelming at times but sometimes one person caring is enough to get through my day. Not much help but I understand your struggle and hope you see some sun in the rain   I posted stick it notes up of things he would say to me or general situations and he was like what the heck is that? Months after it happened and I would be like you don't remeber doing or saying that doesn't even make sense does it, letting him ponder all day on them... .He wouldn't reply or say it was probably because of something you did to make me , but seeing the negative effect it had on me too,  But little hints got him thinking to some degree (just a technique he responded to) everyone comes from different walks and different situations... .Reading everyone elses coping and techniques I reaponded in the only way he would listen without turning it around to fault me or himself. I hope you can find some clarity... .And best of luck keep us updated. 

[waverider]

It is common, some wil never own it. To own it is to deny everything that went before. Ownership often takes a crisis. In fact ownership can bring on a crisis.

Think about it, you are told that everything that has gone wrong in your life is down to you, and there is no quick fix, so you are stuck with it, and everything will continue to go wrong, and it will be your fault.

That is how they will perceive it in their black and white way, and from someone who is highly sensitive to criticism.

After my partner first accepted it followed a year of weekly overdoses and self harm, as she insisted "someone" should fix her NOW. She is still reluctant to actually do the hard work and is stuck in victim mode, which leads to depression.

Concentrate on working on you to create a calmer environment. Set a standard they can look up to and build on. Trying to 'fix' them will drive you nuts, only they can do that, if and when they are ready.

[Michelle27]

When I stumbled onto BPD in my online search for answers as to what was going on in my marriage 4.5 years ago, I was so excited about having an answer, I blathered it all to my husband.  Thinking he'd be happy to find out it wasn't his "fault".  Yeah, that didn't go over well.  Total denial until this past year, mostly the past few months.  Of course, that came when I had almost checked completely out of the marriage and I was looking at ways to leave.  Now that he has accepted it and wants help, he is so far into crisis mode that I've had to instate a therapeutic separation in order to protect myself but mostly allow myself to heal.  I have explained to him that I want to be there to support him but I can't when I am so on edge from anxiety but that I hope to be able to be the loving compassionate wife that I want to be once I have some healing time.

[Jessica84]

Waverider - that seems to be spot-on. I don't know which comes first (like the chicken or the egg). Whether it's the crisis that forces the realization, or the realization that brings on the crisis?

For the last year or so, my uBPDbf has been forced to face the consequences of years of self-destructive behaviors, mainly his gambling and his tantrum outbursts. The IRS now threatens him daily. His friends treat him as unstable, and his family keeps their distance. He's gone from an arrogant, larger than life personality to a lonely, self-pitying shell of a human. He always blamed others, including me. Once I started using the tools I learned here he could no longer figure out a way to blame me... which meant... .could it be him? He has slowly begun to accept this--- That he has self-inflicted. That he has hurt other people. That he has caused most of his problems. He is now coming to terms with all of it. Over time, this mindset has spiraled him into a depression. He floats between angry and sad now, desperately hoping for a magical "cure"... .without actually having to do any of the work. In my case, it's a "be careful what you wish for" kind of thing... .I thought I would finally feel validated (more like vindicated)... .I do in a way, but at what cost to him?

[Stalwart]

Moreaware: Really good topic and one that so many people struggle with to little avail in so many cases. I have so many people from another site that converse with me on this one key issue as well and it’s so common to all of us.

Sorry, again: this got longer than I wanted it to.

It would be really good to hear other people who have crossed this bridge successfully to hear their experiences.

I can share mine because it was successful and a real turning point that I so wish others could experience and manage in some way. Hopefully, not as a result of such desperate conditions.

I can definitely put the chicken and egg  in order here. In our case it came from my wife really hitting rock bottom in crisis. It took leg shackles and arm irons for her to actually come to terms with her situation and as desperate as that must have been for her she was totally convinced at that time that she had, without doubt, totally destroyed her whole life and relationship with it. Point is, for her it was a really desperate low. In justifying arresting her, (that I had nothing to do with) a cop said “Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they can begin to climb out”. I came to understand this statement more clearly as time went by.

I know that she always knew she had challenges and differences all her life but like most, wasn’t able (or willing) to express them and take the accountability that so many of us want to hear for our own sanities or perhaps validation. I personally believe most do internalize this awareness but just don’t externalize it or won’t. I also question of some are confronted in a way that allows them to open up to it and I know for certain that attacking from a level of MENTAL ILLNESS and particularly bombarding them with BORDERLINE isn’t the right path to take to hope for positive results in acceptance or recognition. That’s the job of the therapist, if the therapist choses to disclose the diagnosis to them. Some don’t because they fear it will negatively affect progress with a patient throughout the DBT process.

In my case my wife did reluctantly but willingly go in for a diagnostic examination and gained a ‘label’ but I made sure I’d already talked to her about that label (knowing it was the case) and she was able in part to relate to it but with the restriction of “I’m just a mild case though.” It’s a great start and recognition so I’ll validate that in a minute – true or not...

I’ve learned to accept the fact there aren’t rights or wrongs but just differences and in doing that I also recognize that the similarities outweigh the differences so it levels the challenges to a more workable platform. Fact is, I’ve found they do live in their realities as much as we live in ours. I read something by Huxley once that put this into a context that could be somehow radically accepted but hey, he isn’t my first choice as a mentor.

Being released on bail and coming home without me leaving her, threw her into a real tailspin she just couldn’t comprehend. It gave me the opportunity, after a bit of time, and finding the perfect time to approach her with questions I’d developed to correspond with a really comprehensive BPD test I found online.

I didn’t approach her asking questions about our relationship or our situation. I stipulated totally that NONE of this was about that. I wanted her to talk to me about her childhood, growing up and her life experiences before we met. It helped put her off the defensive, I think in part because it was attention being paid straight to her emotions and her experiences as well as safeguarding her from triggering in fear or anger about it relating to us. She was rough enough already and had totally lost it without digging a spur into that situation.

Everything was emotionally set on empathy and a want for understanding with care and sympathy toward the struggles she always had and I was actually aware of most situations and problems but certainly not all. Each personal question was in correspondence with the  more clinical questions on the BPD test. She failed miserably, as I knew she would.

When we were done she asked why I had asked her all those questions because I had them in my hand when I sat on the couch with her asking them but didn’t really refer to them or ‘read’ them from the paper. There was a reason for that. So I could refer them to the real point later.

When she was done I consoled her on the difficulties she had talked about and then assured her that there are so many other people that have experienced the same difficulties all their lives, that she wasn’t alone or by any means a ‘freak’. I assured her that she was NORMAL in relations to so many others who feel the same loneliness, fears, emptiness, sadness and confusion.

I had a write up about What is BPD that was really well written (although I edited a lot of it to tone it down) to not be harsh or offensive  at all and let her read it. She responded with “Oh My God, this could have been written about me!” Ahhhaaaaaaaaa moment! When she asked what it was I didn’t hammer in it was a MENTAL ILLNESS but an emotional disorder that was genetic and that maybe it would be good if she went to see someone and talk about it with them to see if maybe they could help her to feel better about herself  and help her through the trouble she was experiencing right now. I left it at that.

A few days or a week later I came home and told her I was talking to a friend of mine who had actually been able to fast track her to the only psychologist in our region who tests and deals with BPD. (That was really a miracle but I’d arranged it a week earlier and held on to it until the right moment). I encouraged it but left the rest up to her to arrange and do if she chose to. I felt pushing it would not work in her or my favor.  She called twice, made appointments and cancelled so I told her that my friend had mentioned he was talking to the Psychologist and that if she didn’t make a repeat appointment and did cancel it again she would not be accepted in the future.  Again, I left the choice up to her and she took it.

There’s more to the story but it to cut it short she was diagnosed and has been in therapy since. It’s the only therapist she ever been able to relate to and likes. That’s because now they’re talking the same language and one my wife can relate to instead of going to see therapists under wrong diagnosiss.

I don’t know if this helps you moreaware but it can be done. It’s figuring out how to approach it well and managing the situation well to bring an awareness they can relate to, understand and accept. I do know for certain that going in full guns locked an loaded to approach it isn’t a good approach and that it has to be done with a real awareness of their weaknesses and restraints and working around them to find the right moment to apply to their needs or desperateness in a positive way making it about them…one other thing I’m aware of because I deal with a lot more people with this now than just my wife is that most of them are totally aware of the challenges they’ve experienced and differences in them with other people whether they admit that or they don’t. They are aware of  the challenges they’ve faced and that they feel different and misunderstood as a result.

I found that profound empathy and using every element of using positive statements and  outlooks  to outweigh the negative aspects of approaching the subject the only way to embrace the challenge.

[Jessica84]

Moreaware - one thing that has helped bring my uBPDbf at least a little out of his denial and into more awareness is by changing the dynamic in our relationship. Slowly, and quite clumsily, I've incorporated more and more of the tools with him. He's been pretty responsive to the changes so far. Although some have blown up in my face, others have brought some real improvement. I've invalidated him many, many times. I've triggered his fears and insecurities, all unknowingly. But slowly you learn how to avoid those traps... .and accept there are times you're still going to trigger him no matter what you say or do. Maybe he'll seek professional help, maybe not. Until then, take care of you and offer him your support the best you can.

I think it takes time and patience and a soft-handed approach to lead a pwBPD to treatment, like Stalwart did. I also don't think this can be done all at once. More like peeling away the layers of denial, one layer at a time. I'm still trying. It's been a delicate balance of suggesting, then backing off, then probing a little deeper, then backing off.

BTW--Thank you for sharing your story, Stalwart! Good for you for helping your wife get into treatment in the kind and gentle manner you did, taking care not to push too hard or trigger her fears. That is encouraging and inspiring.

[hellosun]

Stalwart, that is so beautiful. Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us. And I love the way you re-wrote the "What is BPD" article to make in more gentle. I should try that for my husband.

[Stalwart]

Is it my greatest hope for everyone here that they can find a successful way to bring awareness and help to their partners because every person here so deserves that to happen in their lives.