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Author Topic: Married a week and at rock bottom  (Read 377 times)
SoftLanding

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« on: April 12, 2015, 03:23:43 PM »

I haven't been on here lately because I made the massively bad decision to only do the work when things aren't working in my life.  I should have made a commitment to continual education.  Instead I just took bits and pieces that only helped me somewhat.

We've been together almost 4 years and it's been a bad bad trip for the most part.  I've had to come to so many sad, horrible realizations and yet I held on because I felt like we had fought so hard to get together and stay together.  He was my high school sweetheart and when we found a way to be together 40 years later, we were both thrilled and he made me feel like I was the best, most important thing that ever happened to him.  The timing was magical and the first 3 months were the best of my life.  Then he decided that the newness had worn off and we should quit acting like new lovers.  Since then we have our ups and downs.  Somehow we've made it through each valley.

He was diagnosed with a boat load of medical issues back in November... .COPD, congestive heart failure, diabetes II, high blood pressure, peripheral vascular disease, kidney disease among many other smaller diagnoses.  He does not trust the medical community so when he began to experience problems, he refused to go to the Dr and tried to find natural remedies to fix his symptoms.  Finally one night his blood pressure shot up to ridiculous heights and he let me take him to the E.R.  That's when he got all the devastating news.  Since then the two of us got closer than ever.  I became his caretaker.  I do everything around the house, make sure he stays on top of his many medications and I try to keep his spirits high.  He has been very happy with me and "rewarded" me by proposing.

We got married a week ago.  I've been over the moon happy to be with him, to be his wife, take his name and take care of him.  Imagine my surprise when I walk up behind him while he's talking on the phone to one of his buddies and I hear him badmouthing me.  All the BPD bad memories came rushing forth, reminding me that we are not a normal couple.  I confronted him and asked him what his reason was for marrying me... .he said it was because he feels like he will probably die soon and does not want his children to get his belongings.  He hates them more than he hates me apparently.  I'm in such shock that I don't even know what to do... .my first reaction is to bolt.  To go back home, which is more than 500 miles away, to where I at least still have parents that love me.  This adventure that put me together with my man unfortunately estranged me from just about everyone else.  Everyone but me knew that it was the wrong choice.  I've put myself in a situation where I am truly alone and heartbroken for the umpteenth time.   I feel like the biggest fool in the world.  What am I saying, I am the biggest fool.
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misuniadziubek
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Semi-long distance relationship living apart.
Posts: 383


« Reply #1 on: April 13, 2015, 09:40:37 PM »

I haven't been on here lately because I made the massively bad decision to only do the work when things aren't working in my life.  I should have made a commitment to continual education.  Instead I just took bits and pieces that only helped me somewhat.

Honestly ? This is something I've done plenty in the past, ESP. the beginning. It's quite normal. It's a way to pretend like everything is fine. Because you haven't had any serious issues of late. So therefore you don't need help.

It's denial in a way. There is always work to be done. Even if things appear 'good', constant self-reflection, reminders of what is at play and acceptance is required.

Excerpt
We've been together almost 4 years and it's been a bad bad trip for the most part.  I've had to come to so many sad, horrible realizations and yet I held on because I felt like we had fought so hard to get together and stay together.  He was my high school sweetheart and when we found a way to be together 40 years later, we were both thrilled and he made me feel like I was the best, most important thing that ever happened to him.  The timing was magical and the first 3 months were the best of my life.  Then he decided that the newness had worn off and we should quit acting like new lovers.  Since then we have our ups and downs.  Somehow we've made it through each valley.

He was diagnosed with a boat load of medical issues back in November... .COPD, congestive heart failure, diabetes II, high blood pressure, peripheral vascular disease, kidney disease among many other smaller diagnoses.  He does not trust the medical community so when he began to experience problems, he refused to go to the Dr and tried to find natural remedies to fix his symptoms.  Finally one night his blood pressure shot up to ridiculous heights and he let me take him to the E.R.  That's when he got all the devastating news.  Since then the two of us got closer than ever.  I became his caretaker.  I do everything around the house, make sure he stays on top of his many medications and I try to keep his spirits high.  He has been very happy with me and "rewarded" me by proposing.

No one wants to let go of something like that. The amount of emotions, time and commitment you put into a relationship are things that you invest into but can never get back. Feeling like you make it through is important but it's also really important to discern how much you are actually responsible for and what he has contributed. You can't keep a relationship afloat on your own for too long. Think of a sinking ship with one part up high in the air and the other way down below. You can't manage to lift that above water all on your own.

It's wonderful that you take care of your husband so diligently. Do you take time to do things for yourself? You're important too.

Excerpt
Imagine my surprise when I walk up behind him while he's talking on the phone to one of his buddies and I hear him badmouthing me.  All the BPD bad memories came rushing forth, reminding me that we are not a normal couple.  I confronted him and asked him what his reason was for marrying me... .he said it was because he feels like he will probably die soon and does not want his children to get his belongings.  He hates them more than he hates me apparently.  I'm in such shock that I don't even know what to do... .my first reaction is to bolt.  To go back home, which is more than 500 miles away, to where I at least still have parents that love me.  This adventure that put me together with my man unfortunately estranged me from just about everyone else.  Everyone but me knew that it was the wrong choice.  I've put myself in a situation where I am truly alone and heartbroken for the umpteenth time.   I feel like the biggest fool in the world.  What am I saying, I am the biggest fool.

It feels like a slap to the face. Especially when you think that everything has been going so well and suddenly he's saying something completely different.

You're never to be a 'normal' couple. There is no such thing with a BPD. There's only taking steps to have healthy interactions and taking care of yourself, without letting him pull you down.


Saying that, You are NOT a fool. You are the last thing but a fool. You are someone who followed their heart and gave it their all to someone. That is someone wonderful. You've acted out of love towards him, you've been living your own fantasy of the relationship. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. We are all human. We all act in the best way we know possible in the moment. There is reason behind every choice.

I know it feels really lonely and heart breaking but perhaps there is reason to his words that he doesn't know how to express himself. In the moment he can be angry and say hurtful things but that doesn't mean THOSE were his motives when he proposed.

Imagine his proposal was based on feeling happy and finding someone that cared for him like he isn't even capable of caring for himself, someone who makes him feel happy, even in small moments.

Is marriage really a reward? That sounds a bit off.

Don't give up and don't put yourself down. You are being a wonderful wife as far as youve described, no matter what he's said so far.

Maybe that's how he talks to his friends? Maybe his kids have left him angry of recent and he's using you as a scapegoat?
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Tim300
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 557


« Reply #2 on: April 13, 2015, 09:45:38 PM »

Please don't be so hard on yourself.  I believe a pwBPD could take down just about anybody.  This is a serious mental illness.
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SoftLanding

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« Reply #3 on: May 01, 2015, 03:08:19 PM »

Thanks for the replies misuniadziu and Tim300.  It helps to hear friendly voices. 

I wanted to clarify the statement I made about being rewarded with a proposal.  I made a mistake wording it that way.  We had been engaged for over 3 years prior to getting married, but there was always an excuse from his direction to put it off a while longer.  You know... .like saving up money to go somewhere special or to throw a party so we could celebrate with friends.  Or we'd have a battle and he'd decide for a while he didn't want to remain engaged or ever marry me.  So basically after all the medical diagnosis stuff came up and we had been working together to try and get him healthier, we got closer than ever and it was a good time to just do it and we did.  The reward, in my mind, was that one morning he woke up and said "Hey, we are going to do it eventually, why not now?"  So we did.

But now, with the wedding ceremony a few weeks behind us, it's like he has absolutely no patience with me at all.  He's been sick and struggling with his health and there is no leeway for me to make any mistakes.  He's got a very short fuse.  We spend all of our time together because he's retired and I work from home.  I know that I need to find something to do outside this house.  That will be the saving grace, if there is one. 

Here's an example of what happens between us.  Last night I was watching that 2 hour Grey's Anatomy tear jerker and about halfway through he told me the dog needed to be walked.  Now this has always been his job and he's been doing it even though he's been ill.  It's the only real exercise he gets.  He didn't feel like it and he thought I should say sure baby, I'll take care of that right now.  But I didn't.  I actually had about a 10 second meltdown about it that I regretted immediately.  I apologized, but it was too late, as usual.  So he says I'm just like the rest of his family.  We only exist to make his life a living hell.  And that God must hate him. He said you're all dead to me.  He says he will stop taking his meds, because he doesn't trust doctors anyway, and that when he drops dead, it's all my fault for not being supportive... .and that I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life.  My ex-husband committed suicide a couple of years ago.  He knows the guilt and blame I've lived with since that happened and yet he wants to put his own death on me too.  He can be pretty cruel without even trying.  I feel like I'm a strong woman and he knows this, but would like to see me as not so strong.  I think he says a lot of the mean things to try and make me cry, but I'm way beyond tears.  I don't think I could cry if I tried.  He has remained in bed, without taking any medication (or eating or drinking) since about 9pm last night.

Anyway, I have no support.  Not that I have that many friends, but the ones I do have, I don't want to lay this on.  It's embarrassing and seems so childish.  I also don't believe in talking crap about your significant other.  I live a few states away from my family, so I haven't told any of them because I don't want them worrying any more than they already do with me being so far away.  I know that I need to find an outside interest that nourishes my soul and I guess I have to figure out how to go about making that happen before I lose my mind.
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Ceruleanblue
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1343



« Reply #4 on: May 02, 2015, 01:22:14 AM »

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't know if people with BPD do it deliberately, but it seems they like to find someone they find challenging, or someone they know has gone through some hard times. Your husband sees you as strong, so he's trying to break you down. His reaction, and behaviors sound so manipulative, and familiar. He's using guilt, because you probably told him you felt some guilt over your last husband's suicide. I've found that people with BPD will say almost anything, just to get a reaction. Mine used a past rape to hurt me. You'd think a loving husband would never do something like that, but this is a serious mental disorder.

You are being pretty hard on yourself. I mean, the way he's acting now, he wasn't this way the entire time you were engaged I'd bet. My husband broke out the awful behaviors after we were married. If I'd had an inkling that he could be THIS, and had such anger issues, I'd have run! He knew I'd had a past with several angry men, one a long marriage, and I even knew what to look for, but they are able to fake nice, for however long until they feel they have you hooked. At least some of them. Some with BPD just seem to not even be able to control it even when just dating, but others do. Some don't paint you black for years, and others it happens very soon in. Just know that it's not your fault. Even looking back, I can't think "oh, I should have notice that", because he hid all that from me. It's like he has two personalities, and I personally think my husband CAN control how he acts, he just chooses not to, it's like an addiction. Blowing up, being mean, and acting irrationally, must feel good in some way, or he gets something out of it, or he'd stop. It's caused him nothing but grief in his life, but when the cost is too high, maybe then he'll change.

What are your immediate plans? Start looking out for YOU. Whether you stay or go, start making your mental health a priority too. I spent so much time and thought trying to figure out ways to make our marriage better, how not so set him off, how to protect my son from his anger, that is really effected my health for a while. Please don't let yourself get to that place. Maybe getting in personal therapy would help? It would be someone to talk to, as you sound rather isolated right now. It helped me, and I may end up going back. We can't forget that WE matter too, and if we don't meet our own needs, they certainly won't.
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Loosestrife
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 612



« Reply #5 on: May 02, 2015, 04:33:15 AM »

Hi, I'm

Sorry you're going through this. My pwBPD said they would stop medications a couple of times, I would just ignore it as it was an attention seeking strategy. Have you tried saying to him how unhappy you are? If he knows you have a limit he may not take you so much for granted.

L
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