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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Schedule switch drama  (Read 797 times)
Thunderstruck
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« on: April 13, 2015, 10:26:49 AM »

This past week has been so frustrating.

We currently have a temp order 50/50 and are undergoing a CE. Once we get the CE report we will be able to proceed to a final order. We are hoping to obtain majority.

We have SD10 M/T/every other weekend. uBPDbm has her W/Th/every other weekend.

Last week on Tuesday uBPDbm sends us a message that she's about 80 miles away filming a TV pilot for the next two days and we "need to" watch SD10 Wednesday night (do they ever ask or just always demand?   ). She demaded a makeup day for the following week on Tuesday. We said we could watch her but no to Tuesday because SD10 is alone after school with no help for her homework. We said if she would like another day we could discuss it, but never agreed to any switch.

At midnight on Wednesday night we receive another email saying that she will be in a music video shoot (I don't know where these "acting" things came from, she works as a secretary) and we "need to" keep SD10 until Saturday morning. No mention of what time for an exchange. She demanded Monday and Tuesday for make-up days. We said no, we're trying to keep SD10 on a regular, consistent schedule. Mind you, we had plans for Thursday and Friday night so we had to scramble around for babysitters. uBPDbm didn't even sign back in to read whether we said yes or no, she just kind of "dumped" SD10 on us and did her thing. At this point SD10 is even starting to get upset because her mom wasn't answering her phone calls. She said "Shouldn't my mom say no to a music video shoot because she's supposed to be with me? Doesn't she realize she has a kid?". We tried to validate her feelings... .it was hard to do because we completely agreed with her point.

So friday evening we check OFW and there were no messages. We had no idea what time to exchange saturday morning.

Saturday morning we woke up to a combined total of 14 missed phone calls and 5 texts on DH's and my phone (court rder says we communicate via OFW only). She wanted the exchange to be at 9am but at 7:30am she said she was coming over with the cops. We woke up at like 8:50 and told her we couldn't meet at 9 but we could to 10. Then the cops showed up at our door. Guess the meeting is now gonna be 10:30 because we have to deal with that.

uBPDbm kept saying we agreed to a schedule switch, which we never did. She had SD10 call DH last night and ask to stay with her mom Monday and Tuesday. UGH! He told her that they already agreed the schedule would be the same and that the conversation is for adults. SD10 paused (her mom was talking to her/coaching her) and said "You never agreed". It really bothers me, her mom putting her in the middle like that. He told her no and then SD10 said "I have to go" and hung up on him.

So, what does uBPDbm do? She keeps SD10 out of school today to spend the day with her. The court order states that our parenting time begins when the school starts, but we can't really make a big deal of this because it would probably look petty. I half hope she keeps SD10 for the night so we can file a motion for contempt. In any case, we will be sending this whole mess to the CE.

Court orders are supposed to prevent drama from this! UGh! And shouldn't uBPDbm be on her best behavior since we're currently under a microscope?
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"Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength."

"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so. But we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitos and silly people." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
bravhart1
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« Reply #1 on: April 13, 2015, 11:11:16 AM »

This sounds like the stuff we deal with BPDm here too. My advice for what it's worth is to bring this to someone's attention. I would ask biom to take SD to dr if she is going to keep her out of school. That was the only thing that stopped the biom here from keeping SD out if school to hang out.

We just finished our CE and we found that biom got much worse during the CE, I believe the pressure became too much. We erroneously thought bringing it to the CE's attention would make us look petty. I wish I had a do over. CE did not see everything, and so did not make a order based on the facts as they are now. CE's aren't private eyes, they only do so much. Ask them to read the OFW from the last few weeks, Explain about the cops, keeping D out of school, the phone call from D to plead moms case and sincerely ask him or her how you should have handled it? They will most likely be surprised at biom's behaviour.
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Nope
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« Reply #2 on: April 13, 2015, 11:51:04 AM »

First off, why do I feel like you've been waiting on a final report from this CE forever? That must be so draining at this point. I'd think It would be just about finished, no?

I also found that the BPD mom actually behaved worse when under a microscope. The old PP said that DH was to have frequent phone contact with the kids. No less than one call per week. So their mom would only allow the minimum one call per week. (And not always even that.) This went on for years. So after the GAL was appointed I told DH to send his ex a text on a random day asking to speak to the kids. She wrote back demanding to know wh, since it wasn't a holiday or the day he got his one phone call every week. (She actually said flat out she only lets him speak to them that once per week or on holidays) He said no reason that he just wanted to say hi. So she made the excuse that they wouldn't have time because she had to make dinner and then they needed showers.     We screen captured the texts and emailed directly to the GAL.

Best thing I can tell you is to make sure the CE sees all of it. At the very least it makes more sense for your SD to be with you guys more due to her mom's erratic schedule.

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Thunderstruck
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« Reply #3 on: April 13, 2015, 12:05:02 PM »

First off, why do I feel like you've been waiting on a final report from this CE forever? That must be so draining at this point. I'd think It would be just about finished, no?

We have been waiting forever! We've had to have the deadline extended twice because uBPDbm wasn't cooperating with the CE. We're over the deadline of the latest extension (supposed to be at the end of March). The CE says she just needs to call collaterals and have one more meeting with DH and then 40 hours to write the report. I'm guessing we'll have the report no earlier than the end of April.

Maybe it's a blessing that it keeps getting delayed... .more time to provide "evidence" to the CE that uBPDbm doesn't cooperate or comply with court orders.
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"Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength."

"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so. But we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitos and silly people." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
livednlearned
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« Reply #4 on: April 13, 2015, 12:50:57 PM »

That's a lot of chaos.  

Poor SD10 being put in the middle like that, and you and your H having to be catcher's mitt for all the drama.

I didn't go through a CE, my third-party professionals only included a parenting coordinator, and for a short period, a coparenting therapist. When I wanted to communicate what was going on without sounding like I was diagnosing ex, or being petty, I used key words. Like "walking on eggshells" and "dysregulating" and "impulsive" and "disordered thinking." I did not want to risk having the PC miss what was going on, and also didn't want to make it sound like I was only saying bad things, pointing fingers, being petty, etc.

This is just a thought, but what do you think the reaction would be if you ask the CE questions? "Can you give us a sense of how best to respond when this type of scenario happens? For example, bio mom sent us a message on OFW at x o'clock, and our response was such and such. We checked to see if there was a message Friday night, and then Saturday discovered these messages, plus calls, then the cops came. SD10 called and seemed to be asking questions that bio mom wanted her to ask. How do we respond in these situations? What's best for SD10?"

She said "Shouldn't my mom say no to a music video shoot because she's supposed to be with me? Doesn't she realize she has a kid?". We tried to validate her feelings... .it was hard to do because we completely agreed with her point.

Validation is acknowledging that you accept a person's perception of things, even if it's different than your own. So if you accept what SD10 thinks because you think that too, that's validation  Smiling (click to insert in post). Validation can apply to include feelings and can also be about what SD10 thinks. If she is asking the question about her mom, it is ok to validate her: "I can understand why you would think that" is validation. You could also say, "I was wondering that too." The key is to make sure you are validating how SD10 feels/thinks, and not bringing your own emotions to the comment, which will make SD10 feel like she's in the middle.
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Breathe.
Thunderstruck
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« Reply #5 on: April 13, 2015, 02:57:01 PM »

The CE is supposed to be unbiased, so I don't know that she would give any feedback. She seems to just listen to DH/uBPDbm/SD10 and occasionally asks questions.
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"Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength."

"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so. But we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitos and silly people." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
bravhart1
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« Reply #6 on: April 13, 2015, 09:51:55 PM »

Having just gone through a CE, I can tell you that they are more willing to talk than they appear. I don't think it would hurt to ask. All he can say is I can't talk about that.

Ours even took a phone call from BPDm after the report, knowing it was going to trial, to tell him that we were fighting the report and that she was all for it. Total fabrication, we asked for the report to be taken in its entirety and biomom argued against it and asked for trial. He actually spoke to her and believed her! I learned from the therapist that he said he was disapointed that we would do that. Lucky she set him straight.

Sorry its taking such a long time, but I wouldn't hold your breath that it'll be this month. I think they take longer a lot of the time. And don't forget then you have to get them made into orders. We got report in Dec. still don't have orders in hand. 
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ForeverDad
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #7 on: April 14, 2015, 02:22:02 PM »

I too have stories about my custody evaluation.  My ex was born in the USA but did live in a foreign language environment for large portions of her childhood.  But we were married for 15 years before we separated and we almost exclusively spoke English.  And in our final years together she got certified as a Medical Interpreter and a Legal Interpreter.  Then during the evaluation she said she had to answer the tests in her native language and the CE had to charge more and delay the report because he had to hire a translator!

Now, about that Schedule Switch drama... .In short... .Follow the order, at least the parts that give you the advantage in parenting.  Be willing to accept the extra time but don't feel obligated or guilted to make switches.

Beware the FOG = Fear, Obligation, Guilt

A few parents here, too few, report that their (entitled, self-centered, whatever) ex-spouses won't take the children on their days.  Well, news flash, no court will force a parent to take more parenting time.  And as a general perspective, in our cases we ought to be glad or at least okay with getting additional time.  Yes, it disrupts our schedules and plans but for the sake of the children we can step up.

However, demanding traded or make-up time is an entirely different matter.  In some cases you may decide to agree to trades or make-up days in an effort to demonstrate you aren't uncooperative.  The problem with partial cooperation is that all-or-nothing* ex will of course expect you to jump every time to accommodate her.  You have to state every single time that any switch agreement, either in whole or in part, is always on a case-by-case basis.  Court is very unlikely to force you to do trades or switches.  If she were a police officer, firewoman or other emergency responder required to work unusual shifts the court could require at least some effort to accommodate her schedule but that's not the case here.

* All or Nothing... .perceived by ex as All for ex or Nothing for you.

My advice is to have a pattern of being willing to accept additional parenting time BUT limit switches/trades very carefully.  You may find that after you set a clear boundary -- that you'll care for the children but your time consistently remains your time -- she may (eventually) accept that boundary and you'll get de facto majority time (even if the custody evaluation or the judge don't give you more time).

Of course, knowing that the moods and perceptions of a pwBPD can change or be triggered at any time, always get any agreements documented.  In this case you had OFW emails to show the officers that you were not being unreasonable or uncooperative.

Switches can be Leverage... . She may want a switch but you don't see any reason to.  Perhaps it was last minute.  Perhaps she's been changing things so much that it's becoming her schedule and not the parenting schedule.  But you may have some event coming up that is on her time.  You could tell her your terms, that you agree to her switch IF she agrees to your switch too.

Side point... .I found out early in my separation/divorce that my ex would ask for her to get the trade first and then she would later ignore my half of the trade.  So I quickly learned to require my time be first if at all possible.

Another side point... .My ex often made her demands at the last minute, effectively catching me off guard and unprepared.  Feel free to say you will take time to consider it.  Maybe you can state that if she makes requests sufficiently in advance then you're more likely to agree to a switch, though not guaranteed.

Hmm, have you asked the CE for objective ways to handle this or bounce your perspective and preferred solutions off the CE?
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