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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Doctor's visit, need advice on do I make contact or not?  (Read 516 times)
LeonVa
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« on: April 16, 2015, 08:48:10 AM »

Hello All:

A bit background first.

Recently separated here and I'm trying to understand how to co-parent with my ex BPD wife. We have a 2.5 year old son together. It's been 3 weeks since she took our son with her, I've asked her to start our agreed 50/50 schedule before the separation agreement is even signed, but she said not now, as our son needs to get familiar with his new environment. I told her I'm fine for now as the paper work should be out in a week or two and for me personally, I don't want to get in argument with her. (For whatever reason, my lawyer is rather slow? Only have time to correspond with me once a week, it's getting to me)

So today is the first doctor visit of my son after we separated, I have tried to maintain as little contact with her as possible and at first, I wanted to just show up, but decided not to. So now,  I'm debating whether I should ask her how did it go or wait till she tells me how did it go (which i don't think she will tell me.)

The reason I'm on the fence of even debating about this is because after we separated, she found a childcare for our son and told me where it is, but she asked me not to visit because our son will cry and such interrupts his progress of adopting. Understood.   1 week later, I decided to just visit the teacher at the school and talk to the teacher about his progress. I never been to the school and I was hoping I can just see the teacher and maybe peek at our son. Well, that didn't happen as the school layout was not what I thought it was. No way to find the teacher without my son seeing me, he cried and wouldn't let me go.  In hindsight, I should've called first and ask the teacher to meet me outside. Anyhow, she flipped out that day and emailed me later that night, went banana on me as usual, called me s** of b*** and how it was me who broke up the family, all of that and threatened me that she will seek full custody instead of 50/50 if i do that again, I didn't respond.

So as always, I'm extra careful not to trigger her and now I'm conflicted about contacting her about it or not

- If I contact her and such break the NC, ask her how did it go, I'm afraid she will say I'm harassing her

- If I don't contact her, I'm afraid she'll say, I don't care about our kid and such use that against me as well

- or I can call the doctor, but the doctor's office is VERY busy, I'm not sure they will have time to talk to me when Mom already visited.

So I just need some advice from you experienced ones as what should be the correct procedure to do it and maintain as little contact with her as possible?

Thank you all for taking your time. 

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Aussie JJ
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: apart 18 months, 12 months push pull 6 months seperated properly, 4 months k own about BPD
Posts: 865


« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2015, 09:19:28 AM »

Hi there,

Welcome and your in a situation were all familiar with.  walking on eggshells, trying not to trigger her.  I'm still part way their, just realise it doesn't matter what you do it will be perceived as being wrong and like your out to punish her.  Just do what is a healthy thing for your son and know that your not responsible for her actions. 

Her perception of reality is very different to everyone else's so nothing you can do about that.  I would get onto the slow lawyer ASAP if I were you... .

To me it sounds like you are dealing with someone who is acting from a place of entitlement, I WANT THIS ILL GET IT AND IF NOT I WILL YELL AND KICK AND SCREAM!

Do what is best for your son and set the precedent,

Excerpt
Hi uBPDexGF,

Please provide a summary of what occurred at the doctors appointment, I was unable to attend.  Please note in future I will attend all appointments in relation to son.  If unable to attend I will notify the treating practitioner and request they provide a summary by e-mail. 

Regards,

LeonVA.

BIFF e-mails are something worth looking up.  Brief, Informative, factual, firm, friendly.  (I add the factual in their for myself... . )  Worth noting, you also didn't attend due to being fearful of her regulated state as displayed by the e-mail from when you visited childcare, something you should document, not wanting son to be exposed to that... .

I'm sorry I cant provide more info I am about to go to sleep here so cant do all the usual links~


AJJ. 
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LeonVa
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« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2015, 10:16:13 AM »

Thanks for the quick reply @AussieJJ and encouragement, I will contact my slow lawyer asap.

Great advice on BIFF e-email, I've read here and there on the forum but I have yet to read about it in details. 

I was just thinking about it since I posted earlier, the reason I don't want to ask her is because every time I ask her about something (happened twice since separation, even if it's because she asked my help first and I'm replying with a question so I can help her),  I get a sense of her feeling the power and then go on and ignore my question. I typically just leave it be as it's not my problem to begin with, but it gets to me if you know what I'm saying? Such, I want to keep NC and keep it as minimum as possible.

But okay, thanks for the BIFF template. I will consider sending her that later. Meanwhile, I will contact my kid's doctor first and see if I can get a response back and such avoid contacting her at all.

Greatly appreciate it.

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enlighten me
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« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2015, 10:17:00 AM »

I had a similar situation with my eldest son and hospital. I spoke to his doctor and explained the situation. They were great and gave me contact details and email addresses. I didnt know about BPD at the time.

Most health care professionals will have dealt with high conflict seperations and will be happy to update you.
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LeonVa
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« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2015, 11:00:40 AM »

@enlightenme. Thanks!  Yes, I just called the Doctor's office and briefly explained the situation and asked if I could get in touch with our Dr in regards to the situation. They were kind enough to provide me with an email address and I'm waiting for his reply.

I have to say, it hurt a little bit for strange reason when I called the doctor, I didn't expect my own reaction and maybe even confused. I've always been the one to take our son to the doctors and to think our relationship has gotten to this point where I need to avoid talking to her about a normal event like so, just felt like the future will be so difficult... .  but the hurt went away to think I have to be strong for my son. He's only 2.5 years old now, he will need me more in his life than a little tiny issue like this.

Thanks for your support!
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enlighten me
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« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2015, 02:44:45 PM »

It is strange but sometimes its easier to avoid interacting with them especially in the begining. It does get easier with time but in the begining they and you are still in a tender place and with pwBPD they can take anything as a criticism and go on the defensive.

It can take a little while for doctors to respond so dont get disheartened if you dont hear back straight away.

Just out of curiosity did you explain about your wife possibly having BPD?
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livednlearned
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« Reply #6 on: April 17, 2015, 03:07:58 PM »

Hi LeonVa,

I just read your other post about your ex saying you can have full rights to your son. Here, you mention that she is threatening to go for full custody. This roller coaster is likely to continue. To be the best parent to your son, you will likely get unanimous advice here from other members recommending you get as much custody as possible. It will not only make your life much easier, it will help your son too. As he gets older, you will encounter more situations where someone needs to make a decision, and that is a tough road when one parent has BPD. It impacts the kids, often in ways that are heart breaking.

About what you're hoping to do in terms of coparenting. Even though we aim for co-parenting, it's recommended that separating parents take a parallel parenting approach at first.

Excerpt
If you have recently ended a relationship with a BPD co-parent, we highly recommend parallel-parenting for the first year with the goal of transitioning into a co-parenting relationship.

Cooperative parenting is the style used by families in which conflict is low and parents can effectively communicate about their child.

Parallel parenting is the style used by families in which conflict is high or communication is poor. The first step of parallel parenting is disengagement. This means that you will not communicate about minor things regarding your child, try to influence the other parents parenting style, or deviate from the visitation schedule.

You can read more about Parallel Parenting in the lessons to the right ----->

It's ok if your son sees you and then cries. Toddlers do this. It's important for kids to learn how to self-soothe, that's a developmental milestone and skill that helps them build emotional resilience. You did nothing wrong by seeing your son at the daycare, and the fact he attached to you like that is a good sign. You matter to him, he feels safe with you. If you are ever concerned, talk to the daycare people about it. They are used to this, even with parents who are still together. Often, the kids settle and move on within minutes after the parent leaves. If that doesn't happen, talk to the day care providers about how best to handle separations, and ask if he seems to be behaving in ways that are not typical for kids his age.

I would be cautious about taking parenting advice from someone who has BPD. I am sure she loves her son, but BPD is marked by a disorganized attachment style -- your son is not likely experiencing a consistent bond with his mom.

I like your idea to contact the doctor directly. That is the way to go. My SO is in health care and from what I gather, it does not take too long for staff to start noticing who has a PD. They tend to be the most difficult patients, disorganized, sometimes negligent, capricious, etc. So having you be consistent and stable, supportive, and wanting to know what is going on with your son is likely to be received well, if they are good at their jobs and care about S2.
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LeonVa
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« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2015, 09:35:03 AM »

@livernlearned,  yeah, at first she threatened to seek full custody when I visited my child's childcare after 1 week of separation and at 3 weeks mark, she says she'll give up the right of keeping him, a roller coaster indeed.

At this point, at the advice of you experienced ones, I'll definitely be thinking of the joint custody - decision making option AT LEAST.  

I got the reply back from our doctor last week, truly professional and wrote a long detailed assessment back to me within 3 hours.  My BPD wife on the other hand, wrote me back late at night, 6 hours later, simply wrote 1 line, that was it. It's okay with me though since I already got the info from the doctor directly.

I'll try to work on the parallel parenting.  Since I picked up my son last Friday, just my luck, he developed a pink eye and this Monday morning, the childcare asked me to take him back until he sees a doctor first.  I thought about parallel parenting and not notify her of what happened, but then I was afraid she'll use this opportunity to scream at me if I didn't, so I just shot her a short FYI email describing what happened, so I'm covered.

In reality, I do hope she gives up our son like she said, that will do everyone a favor as if she wants to visit, I'm reasonable and she can see him 50/50 still, as long as I have the decision making ability, so we won't have to ride her roller coaster whenever she pleases.



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livednlearned
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« Reply #8 on: April 20, 2015, 11:35:12 AM »

With parallel parenting, it's ok to let the other parent know what's going on. You did the right thing! I often reported what was going on to N/BPDx, even if it meant receiving 10-20 emails of name-calling and insults, and occasionally threats in response.

Parallel parenting is more about giving up the hope that you can control what she does in her home -- sometimes, even trying to get her on the same page will cause her to do the exact opposite. I'm sure you have experienced this behavior, it seems to go with the territory.

It's also accepting that even if you give her the courtesy of reporting what's going on with your son, she will not likely reciprocate, and may in fact accuse you of stonewalling her (projection).

Sorry you're having to go through this.  :'( I'm glad you found the site though. There is so much helpful support and advice here from people who understand the landscape.
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Panda39
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« Reply #9 on: April 20, 2015, 09:50:00 PM »

Excerpt
So today is the first doctor visit of my son after we separated, I have tried to maintain as little contact with her as possible and at first, I wanted to just show up, but decided not to. So now,  I'm debating whether I should ask her how did it go or wait till she tells me how did it go (which i don't think she will tell me.)

One thing my SO has learned when dealing with is uBPDxw it is go straight to the source.  Call the doctor and ask them about the visit.  Then you get factual information, you don't have to engage the ex and you get the information you are looking for.
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
LeonVa
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« Reply #10 on: April 22, 2015, 02:22:18 PM »

@Panda39, that's exactly what I ended up doing and the information I got back from doctor is absolutely a lot more informative than her 1 line reply at the end.

For my son's pink eye issue, I visited the doctor, shot her a FYI email and then updated her on the status, so I'm covered and also be a responsible parent, but she never replied nor asked about our son, so I'm getting a hang of this, I'll do whatever I need and should do, the rest is her business. 
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enlighten me
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« Reply #11 on: April 23, 2015, 08:28:16 AM »

One thing you have to bear in mind when dealing with a pwBPD is their sensitivity. Anything that they feel casts them as less than perfect will automatically put their defences up. When dealing with children it is very easy for them to feel you are critising their parenting skills. What ive found is that if your child is ill and you get it sorted then you need to put it across in a way that they feel they bear no blame and that youve done everything they would even down to the medicines and oitments used.
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