I don't know if I can keep going

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm in a very bad spot right now and I frequently feel like giving up and just running away from it all.

I have sole custody and my ex husband basically just found out about not having joint custody two months ago (we have been divcorced over a year and it was a default divorce because he did not show uo). Since then he does everything to make my life hell. He is causing a lot of chaos and turmoil to make me look like a bad parent. He severely alienated my D11 from me. He told her I was sleeping with our divorce attorney, I hacked his phone, emotionally and physically abused him (I did punch him in self defense once and he had a bruise), that all i do when she is with him is go on dating websites etc. He keeps telling her I'm crazy and need mental help. She repeats these things to me when she is angry. I went from having good relationship with her to struggling every day to have her say one  sentence to me that is not filled with anger. She told me yesterday she does not want to go with me because I'm boring and annoying. Couple days ago she threw a huge fit and was screaming in my face that she hated me. I have been crying so much, I feel like I should just give up the fight and let him have her if she hates me that much. I want to run away. I feel like I lost my daughter and without her I really have nothing to keep me going.

His mom keeps saying to me that he is only acting like this out of anger and if I gave him joint custody it would all change for the better. I highliy doubt it and said he can have custody afetr my dead body. But I honestly think that we will never get peace as long as one of us is still walking on this Earth. I feel like I'm on a verge of a nervous break down.

[newlifeBPDfree]

I'm in a very bad spot right now and I frequently feel like giving up and just running away from it all.

I have sole custody and my ex husband basically just found out about not having joint custody two months ago (we have been divcorced over a year and it was a default divorce because he did not show uo). Since then he does everything to make my life hell. He is causing a lot of chaos and turmoil to make me look like a bad parent. He severely alienated my D11 from me. He told her I was sleeping with our divorce attorney, I hacked his phone, emotionally and physically abused him (I did punch him in self defense once and he had a bruise), that all i do when she is with him is go on dating websites etc. He keeps telling her I'm crazy and need mental help. She repeats these things to me when she is angry. I went from having good relationship with her to struggling every day to have her say one  sentence to me that is not filled with anger. She told me yesterday she does not want to go with me because I'm boring and annoying. Couple days ago she threw a huge fit and was screaming in my face that she hated me. I have been crying so much, I feel like I should just give up the fight and let him have her if she hates me that much. I want to run away. I feel like I lost my daughter and without her I really have nothing to keep me going.

His mom keeps saying to me that he is only acting like this out of anger and if I gave him joint custody it would all change for the better. I highliy doubt it and said he can have custody afetr my dead body. But I honestly think that we will never get peace as long as one of us is still walking on this Earth. I feel like I'm on a verge of a nervous break down.

[livednlearned]

Hi newlifeBPDfree,

I feel for you -- it can feel like you've been gutted dealing with someone who has BPD, who is turning your child against you. The emotional pain and the exhaustion takes a toll, and it begins to feel like things are hopeless. Would it help to write down the things that you have done to try and get a better outcome? Being in a place of fear is very paralyzing, and it can be hard to take in what people are saying. Do you feel you've hit a place of hopelessness where it seems daunting (the effort) to try and find help?

[newlifeBPDfree]

I definitely feel hopeless. I feel like I've been doing everything the right way - setting clear boundaries, setting limits, communicating about our daughter only, caring for her the way I always have been and being consistent in my actions but as a result I get so much harassment and heat. I was warned about extinction burst, but how long do they usually last? I have not had a quiet day for two months. I also don't understand how my bright daughter does not see through the manipulation and lies. I would think she would have a seedling of doubt with some of the things he is accusing em of. They are completely out of mu character.

[livednlearned]

Did you watch the video posted on here about parental alienation and PDs? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=274234.msg12599078#msg12599078

It's excellent. It may help you understand what's happening better than any book or explanation from a judge/lawyer.

It may also help you understand that doing things the right way -- what you've been doing -- gets distorted with people who have BPD. So we have to do things different, especially with kids. The best way to understand is to get your head around why the alienation is successful, and then start working on solutions.

It's hard when you feel beaten down and every day is a struggle. I wish I could say that it will get better with time, but for me, it didn't get better until I gathered information and then started applying skills. They were shaky at first but I got a better handle over time.

The skills include validation, setting boundaries, assertiveness, but they also include some of the skills/techniques in Divorce Poison.

You may want to contact Warshak directly for a consultation -- just to make sure you aren't contributing to the problem. That's one of the reasons why Divorce Poison is recommended often on this site. We try to play by the normal rulebook, and those rules don't apply when there is alienation.

[newlifeBPDfree]

Yes, I did watch the video and I have been reading a lot on that subject. The problem is, everything seems to be taking so long to reverse the process and I feel like I don't have that much strength in me to keep going anymore. A friend of mine also suggested that I should teach my daughter some critical thinking skills so she can draw her own conclusions and not be that gullible. I'm not sure how do I teach her that, but it sure would help.

[livednlearned]

I had to do something similar with my son, especially critical thinking skills to help him figure out the difference between privacy, secrecy, lying, withholding, etc.

Have you looked to see if there are any reunification therapists in your area? They are typically therapists who understand that PA has occurred, and should be familiar with PDs since the two go together.

It's possible that you cannot reverse the PA without professional help at this point, since it is almost as though your D is brainwashed. I remember Warshak described PA as brainwashing and propaganda.

[newlifeBPDfree]

I had to do something similar with my son, especially critical thinking skills to help him figure out the difference between privacy, secrecy, lying, withholding, etc.

Have you looked to see if there are any reunification therapists in your area? They are typically therapists who understand that PA has occurred, and should be familiar with PDs since the two go together.

It's possible that you cannot reverse the PA without professional help at this point, since it is almost as though your D is brainwashed. I remember Warshak described PA as brainwashing and propaganda.

Yes, I have been looking into reunification specialist as well. I'm reading Warshank's books as well.

I saw a glimmer of hope yesterday. She was at my ex's and I drove by to drop something off yesterday she needed for school. She came to the car and was pretty positive and asked me how the parent teacher conference went. In the emantime her dad was starting to pick a fight with me, being fixated on getting specific answers from me and I was trying to stay cool when he became more and more heated. My daughter kepts saying" Dad, stop" but he kept going. She finally turned around and left because she was not approving of his behavior. In the emantime he stayed behind to finish his tirade. I had to actually call a bystander for help because he was halfway in my car on the passenger side and would not let me leave. Later he sent me messages accusing me of upsetting our daughetr. But I was proud of her for standing up for me and I was happy to see that she sees his behavior and does not approve of it. I hope I will have more raus of sunshine like this.

[livednlearned]

I'm glad you had that ray of hope shine through, and that you're looking into some type of intervention. 

Your story about ex hanging half way out the door reminded me of something my T told me. One night, while I was still in the marriage, N/BPDx was following me around yelling, blaming, threatening. It went on for what seemed like hours. I was emotionally and psychologically detaching from the relationship, and for the first time in 10 years, I raised my voice and yelled at him. S13 was 8 at the time, and was in bed.

I felt so awful yelling like that. My T told me that it was exactly what I needed to do, and that S13 needed to see me assert myself. Over the years, after leaving the marriage, I can see what she means. When I stand up for myself, he takes pride in that. He pays really, really close attention to how I assert myself. We were having a hard time getting through the aquarium doors with these nice people who kept trying to get us to have our pictures taken. I was just as nice back to them, but each time my voice got more and more firm until they backed off. He will often bring up these kinds of situations and debrief about what I did, how I said things.

Your D may want the same thing from you -- she did tell him to stop, but she didn't stop to make sure you were ok. You have to show her that you matter so she understands the instructions on how to treat you. That's pretty much what my T said about setting boundaries with S13.

"If you do not get out of my car I will call 911."

Or show up and record the entire interaction, if it's legal to do so in your state.

It's hard to do if you feel intimidated. It's also very empowering when your abuser backs down and stops.

[bravhart1]

I have felt out of energy for the fight too. I think somehow they count on that... .

Anyway  I would encourage you to seek out a therapist for yourself for right now, and they can help you get your daughter into therapy later. There are many options open to you, try local mental health facility's and find one that takes on pro bono cases. Some have sliding scales, I know you didn't say anything about it being a money problem, but almost all of of us here have been drained financially by the BPD's legally and I'm just assuming.

You have to make therapy a priority, you are being bombarded with so very much, no one could do this alone. Best of luck!

[livednlearned]

You have to make therapy a priority, you are being bombarded with so very much, no one could do this alone. Best of luck!

This is so true. It's like all your marriage, the BPD spouse was the dark angel on your shoulder, telling you you're bad, you're evil, bad bad bad, and so you need a good angel. And that's hard to produce after years of abuse. So you need a therapist who will help model for you healthy thinking and reactions to things, and breathe some life into the good angel that takes care of you, how that thought process sounds and works.

I can't believe my thought process all those years, how much of his stuff I internalized as mine. And now with what your D is going through, this is stuff a T can help you see. There truly is a path through this, it's not easy, but it's there. It won't be wasted if you get a good T to help you make your way along that path.

[newlifeBPDfree]

I know you didn't say anything about it being a money problem, but almost all of of us here have been drained financially by the BPD's legally and I'm just assuming.

Yes, that's definitely one of my concerns. I think it's part of the BPD experience - the account is being depleted because of their actions and irresponsible behavior as well as the fact that now I have to enlist a bunch of professionals to help me whether it's legal help or therapy for my daughter and myself.

[Panda39]

I know you didn't say anything about it being a money problem, but almost all of of us here have been drained financially by the BPD's legally and I'm just assuming.

Yes, that's definitely one of my concerns. I think it's part of the BPD experience - the account is being depleted because of their actions and irresponsible behavior as well as the fact that now I have to enlist a bunch of professionals to help me whether it's legal help or therapy for my daughter and myself.

Another idea about getting a therapist... .

I know not every employer has an "Employee Assistance Program" (EAP) but check with your Human Resources Department at work and see if this is one of your benefits.  I have one and have been able to get my son 8 free therapy visits (number of visits vary but at least it's a start). 

[ForeverDad]

First, I'm sure by now you've stopped doing any of the things that you shouldn't have been doing - or that your ex found out about and decided to blame you despite them being relatively minor issues.  But if your still being blamed and accused, then don't get drawn into the "engative engagement".  The fact that you've stopped any less-than-optimal actions or behaviors should be enough that you don't need to respond to them.  Also, if they were over 6 months ago then most of it would be considered moot, 'stale' (too old) and not 'actionable' by the court.  Yes, they might be used to demonstrate a pattern of behavior but if you're not doing it anymore then there isn't any current pattern!

Second, your ex... . in case I got too wordy above, don't let ex draw you into defending yourself over and over.  Clear it up once - "I am not doing that, lets deal with the facts for today" - and then refuse to get involved in continuing arguments over the past.  With pwBPD, the more you defend yourself from old issues, the more they'll keep attacking.  Yes, if her brings up a new case or to new people you may have to respond, but address it to them and not him.

Third, your child... . same concept, don't get drawn into defending yourself over and over with old issues.  "We already discussed that and we came to the conclusion together that... . Do you think anything has changed?"  (The carrot is better than the stick.)  You need your child to learn how to deal with a disordered parent, issues and incidents, reach appropriate objective conclusions and then Move On.  That is a skill your children need and that the ex likely tries to sabotage.  So try to avoid arguments and confrontations, instead focusing on helping your children to expand their communication, reasoning, problem-solving and coping skills.  Validation is important.  Validate the correct conclusions, provide gentle guidance if the conclusions are invalid, slanted by ex, subjective rather than objective, etc.  Over time your children will improve skills and perspective and your relationship will improve as well.

She came to the car and was pretty positive... . In the meantime her dad was starting to pick a fight with me, being fixated on getting specific answers from me and I was trying to stay cool when he became more and more heated. My daughter kept saying" Dad, stop" but he kept going. She finally turned around and left because she was not approving of his behavior.

Perhaps at a quiet time you can review things with her, commend her for observing what was happening, assure her that she should stand up for herself but accept that she probably can't make her father behave better.  Perhaps you can discuss some "what if" scenarios that would help you and her deal with the surprise confrontations that can catch you two off guard.  That is problem-solving at work, too late to use for the past incident but helpful for when (not if) it happens again.

In the meantime he stayed behind to finish his tirade. I had to actually call a bystander for help because he was halfway in my car on the passenger side and would not let me leave.

For years I lived in a high conflict environment, from the last months together, through the divorce and for several years afterward.  I always carried at least one of my three voice recorders with me any time I thought I might be in contact with my ex, at exchanges, phone calls, etc.  Why?  I documented what really happened in case it was needed later to defend myself or demonstrate her pattern of poor behaviors.  (While I did not advertise my recording actions and certainly never shoved a microphone in her face, always keeping it in a pocket or in the background, because I repeatedly faced false allegations I was convinced that recording would protect me more than it would hurt me.  I saw them as my 'insurance', a few were helpful in court and with CPS, most were never needed.)

Later he sent me messages accusing me of upsetting our daughter.

We've all experienced that.  Typical Blaming and Blame-Shifting.  Document it in case it is needed later to defend yourself or demonstrate a pattern of poor behaviors.

[ennie]

My 2 cents:  Change and conflict are terribly stressful for people with BPD, and they have almost no skills for dealing with the intense feelings this stuff brings up for them.  They react with the tools they have, which are rage, manipulation, lots of ways of acting based on the basic premise that you and the rest of the world are out to get them.  In the case of my SDs' BPD mom, she came by that assessment honestly--her mom and mom's BFs growing up do seem to have been out to get her, or at lease without any regard for the well being of this little child. So her drama is real--but it really is not our problem or our story.

So what I have learned is that there are periods where DH and I just have to grin and bear it.  BPD mom is going to flip, and so we need to have emotional support for each of us, each of the kids, and for our relationship.  We need to have clear boundaries that let BPD mom's drama not be our drama.  Limit communication, make sure we are not depleted when responding to communication that needs a response, just really focus on tending our garden and not worry about hers.  Or his, in your case. 

In my opinion, you really have no way of assessing whether the present custody arrangement works for everyone until that initial period is over.  You can't use a BPD person's reactions to judge if something is working, because their reactions are a way of dealing with emotional stress over change, and change is just part of life.  But when the dust settles, you can see how this is working for your child and the whole family by just trusting your sense of things.  Getting used to just accepting and not reacting to the drama is one of the hardest parts of co-parenting or parallel parenting with a disordered person.  For DH and I, I have found it most useful to just remind ourselves that that rage and drama is just her thing, that it is really of no consequence in and of itself.  And we cannot avoid it. 

Okay, good luck. On the therapist note, when I have been in dire need of support in this process, I have found free or reduced rate therapists, or support groups.  I do not have a history of substance abuse in myself or parents, but I know many people find support from the AA or other "A" groups.  Church groups or women's groups are support for some folks.  There are lots of low-cost ways of getting emotional support from a sophisticated perspective.  With support, trauma and difficulty can really be an amazing learning and growing experience; without support, it often seems impossible to me and also to DH, and I cannot tell you how many times he has wanted to "give up", how many times I wanted to run away from it all.  But with support, the experience of step-parenting alienated kids and dealing with their BPD mom has been one of the most profound, rich, challenging, and loving experiences of my life.

[momtara]

Oh my gosh, haven't read the reponses, but please don't let him emotionally batter you into giving up time or giving in or being depressed!  She is 11, almost a teenager, and sometimes even 11 year olds in perfect situations act like that.  I'm sure others have said this, but it's possible to get into counseling with her so a counselor can root around and explore these issues. Sole custody is something many of us fight for all our lives, and you have it, so you have to put it to good use - you can do things like get a doctor for her without consulting him, and stuff. 

Don't let them win!  This may be just a blip. If you give up or give in to any of their demands and you push back your boundaries, I think it will all get worse. You are a good person. Don't give up. Try to do something nice for yourself, a massage, bath, short trip, movie?  Many of us have a hard time getting away from our exes.  You were able to do it. Now try to enjoy the time if you can.

Mine annoys me too and I know how you feel.

[newlifeBPDfree]

Thank you all for your input. I feel like things keep getting worse for me. When I think I start climbing out of the black hole, something drastic happens and I fall deeper in.

The other day i found my laptop that I use for freelance work soaked in water. There was no cup around it that was knocked over, so the cats couldnt have done it.  The laptop was damaged and I have to get it repaired. The same day a bag with my documents disappeared from my house (support I prepared for my attorney - all printed emails, text messages etc). It was a strange coincidence for these two things to happen and i was scratching my ehad to figure out what happened. I changed my locks two months ago but I worry that he took my daughter's key and made a copy... .

I have no proof he was there but he suddently started talking about me prepping my case against him to take him to court and it's a new accusation. I have been telling him to leave me alone because I'm documenting everything but he never paid attention to that. Suddenly, a day after my documents went missing, he is worried about me building a case... .

Yesterday I went to pick up my daughter at his house. He was very confrontational through texts and emails all day and especially directly before pick up, so I was driving there with a knot in my stomach anticipating the woorst. He was accusing me of the same things that never happened but mostly he is really mad about me having sole custody. When I parked in front of his building he would have me wait for 10 or so minutes and did not bring her right away. When my daughter got in the car, he kept the door open and started screaming at me over her shoulder. Telling me i f***ed him over and demanded joint custody. I kept telling I dont want to fight in front of her but he kepts going on and on and would not stop. I didnt know what to do and I did not want her to hear all the awful words about me. Then I could not take it anymore and told him he damaged my laptop. I shouldn't have done that since i have no proof. My daughter got upset I accused him and got out of the car and said she was staying with him. I was crying all night and thought that I should just give up, that this kind of life is not worth living. I was so deflated and helpless.

What really got to me is my daughter sat there listening to him berating me and she said nothing but when I said something about him, she got mad right away. Just shows the degree of brainwashing she went through to act that way and think it's normal for him to talk to me that way.

This morning he texted me saying he wants peace and all he wants is joint custody and post-divorce counselling. I dont want any counselling with him. i dont want to sit there and be insulted and listen to his accusation that are all false and come out of his sick mind and insecurities.

[momtara]

The laptop mysteriously being soaked is pretty suspicious.  It sounds like the kind of gaslighting my ex used to do.  You might change your locks. 

At 11 I don't think she gets the right to decide her own custody.  But as she gets older, judges will listen more.  But they can also hear evidence of alienation, which courts do take seriously now. All depends on how smart the judge is.

Lawyers usually want to settle things and not have them go to trial. But they are battering you emotionally and manipulating you into trying to give up custody.  I can see why it's working and some of us have been there. Last summer I stupidly gave in on a lot of things after a coparenting counselor we were seeing actually said my ex should be on supervised visitation. He convinced me he didn't need it and I gave in in order to make peace. Very dumb.  (It's a longer story, but that's the basics.)

Unfortunately, you never know what will happen in court, but a good lawyer and staying calm can make the difference. So can documentation. Do you have a tape recorder to capture that yelling the next time you go over there? If not, get one now.

Here's one idea but it may backfire: You could ask him to do a custody evaluation and a psych eval and pay for it if he wants to change custody. Put the ball in his court. That said, you DO run a risk of him hiring and manipulating the evaluator, so maybe that's no the best idea, but something to maybe consider. You can also say he can revisit the issue two years from now if he stops the alienation and verbal abuse, but for now you're sticking to your guns.

You are strong, I can tell. this is a hard fight. But I don't want you to give up and regret it later. When you are so battered and sick with worry and being harassed, you may make a decision for temporary peace, then regret it later. I think that Bill Eddy even says as much in his book about high conflict BPD divorces.

Compartmentalize, set boundaries, and document. Others have been through this. You will be ok. Your daughter someday will realize what happened, but not if you give up. (If you really feel you must give up, you can, but I think you may regret it.) You got sole custody which is VERY HARD to get. It's also hard to change unless there's a change in circumstance. Remember, the burden is on him to prove it'd be better.

[ForeverDad]

Likely he did get access somehow.  Your safe place has been violated though unless you can prove it no one is likely to take action.  What to do?

(1) Make a police report of the damage.  It will provide documentation that may be needed later even though you can't prove who damaged the computer.  The sooner you make the report the better.  Include details, such as date and time you discovered the damage and missing papers.  Who have keys.  Okay to mention your ex is or may be taking you back to family court, but I wouldn't go so far as saying he did it.  Calling the police and stating, "A couple months ago... ." may generate a weak response, "Call us back if/when it is happening."

(2) Security monitors are relatively inexpensive these days.  Time to get some videos for security.  The monitoring cameras should be hidden but still monitor the entrance and public areas.  Don't even share this knowledge with her since your daughter is caught in the middle and being emotionally manipulated.

If you later get proof he has entered your residence, then you will have basis to report it and seek charges of illegal entry or whatever.  Of course your boundaries over time are crucial.  Does daughter know that she does not have the authority to let her father come into your home, not even to use the bathroom or help her with homework or sneak a snack or whatever?  Do you make sure you never go into his residence unless he documents the express invitation or permission?  Do you make sure he never comes into your residence unless you document the express invitation or permission?  In my high conflict case my ex has never let me into her residence.  One time, over 6 years after the divorce was final, she wanted me to help her carry something in but I declined.  Similarly, I make clear to my middle school son that his mother does not ever enter my home without my express knowledge.  Due to past allegations I have found the need to keep our residences totally separate.

What is a safe location?  Somewhere that the spouse does not have physical or electronic access.

• Computers are particularly vulnerable to snooping and spyware, files found or files destroyed, browser history viewed or monitored, especially if the spouse is computer savvy or seeks out someone who is computer savvy.



• Members here have reported that a locked briefcase can be easily broken open.



• Members here have reported that the home can be ransacked and hidden documentation found.



• Members here have reported that a vehicle's locked trunk could not withstand determined use of a crowbar.



• Members here have reported that an office can be searched when a spouse comes in and tells the unsuspecting staff, "I'll just wait in his/her office."

I made multiple copies.  Yes, it's hard to keep track of it all over time, but better to have several somethings than none.

[livednlearned]

newlifeBPDfree,

The exchanges are abusive enough that they warrant either a 3rd party to come with you, or have exchanges at the police station, or record them. They're seriously disordered -- you're being abused each time you interact with him. You have to protect yourself first. It may feel counter-intuitive, but there is a good chance that when you model strong boundaries in front of your daughter, she will sit up and pay attention.

Same thing with your home. If documents went missing, and you have a mentally ill abusive husband, your first thought needs to be calling the police.

[momtara]

Oh yes, good advice from both of you. Didn't even think for her to make a police report. Unless you have a cat or dog that pee-peed on the laptop?

None of us want to believe gaslighting, but it's very real and makes you think you're the crazy one. This sounds like it.

I remember when my ex told me something was wrong with my clothes in the dryer. I got downstairs and they had all fallen out of the dryer. It seemed very weird at the time. Then other things happened like that. You look paranoid if you mention them, but they are real. Eventually ex admitted to them.

Don't give up. I know how hard it must be. But you are in control. You got sole custody. It's the status quo. As hard as it seems, remember you have the power legally right now, that's why he's trying to make you doubt yourself.

[newlifeBPDfree]

To momtara:

Do you have a tape recorder to capture that yelling the next time you go over there? If not, get one now.

Actually, there is an injuctive order in place that prohibts both of us recording each other. I made a video of him flipping me off when he was walking behind our daughter to drop her off but I'm afraid that I will get in trouble if I keep recording him. I do have a recorder and would love to use it.

He actually expects me to go to court and change the custody to joint. I told him to go request that himself but he does not have a job and no money to hire a lawyer, so he he is harassing me so I give in and give him what he wants. In the meantime he makes my sole custody a big deal in front of my daughter and tells her how bad it is that I have it. He tells her that I "own" her. She is so worried about it that her teacher told me during recent conference that when they had lawyers in class to talk about their jobs she raised a hand to ask about sole custody and was really upset about it.

I get gaslighted all the time to the point I don't know which side is up. It's such a crazy and unreal feeling when you don't know if you can trust yourself anymore.

Liveandlearned:

The exchanges are abusive enough that they warrant either a 3rd party to come with you, or have exchanges at the police station, or record them. They're seriously disordered -- you're being abused each time you interact with him. You have to protect yourself first. It may feel counter-intuitive, but there is a good chance that when you model strong boundaries in front of your daughter, she will sit up and pay attention.

I do think that it's the last time I did an exchange on my own. It never ends well for me. However, I dont have any family in town, so it's going to be hard.

ForeverDad:

Does daughter know that she does not have the authority to let her father come into your home, not even to use the bathroom or help her with homework or sneak a snack or whatever?  Do you make sure you never go into his residence unless he documents the express invitation or permission?  Do you make sure he never comes into your residence unless you document the express invitation or permission?

She does know he is not supposed to come in but I caught them lying about it once. She was on Spring Break and stayed with an older friend at home. I later found messages from him to my daughter telling her to hide evidence of him being there. I did not confornt her because I did not want her that i know I monitor their messages.

I have never stepped foot in his residence. He is living at a girlfriends house and I never went inside.

[Panda39]

Likely he did get access somehow.  Your safe place has been violated though unless you can prove it no one is likely to take action.  What to do?

(1) Make a police report of the damage.  It will provide documentation that may be needed later even though you can't prove who damaged the computer.  The sooner you make the report the better.  Include details, such as date and time you discovered the damage and missing papers.  Who have keys.  Okay to mention your ex is or may be taking you back to family court, but I wouldn't go so far as saying he did it.  Calling the police and stating, "A couple months ago... ." may generate a weak response, "Call us back if/when it is happening."

(2) Security monitors are relatively inexpensive these days.  Time to get some videos for security.  The monitoring cameras should be hidden but still monitor the entrance and public areas.  Don't even share this knowledge with her since your daughter is caught in the middle and being emotionally manipulated.

If you later get proof he has entered your residence, then you will have basis to report it and seek charges of illegal entry or whatever.  Of course your boundaries over time are crucial.  Does daughter know that she does not have the authority to let her father come into your home, not even to use the bathroom or help her with homework or sneak a snack or whatever?  Do you make sure you never go into his residence unless he documents the express invitation or permission?  Do you make sure he never comes into your residence unless you document the express invitation or permission?  In my high conflict case my ex has never let me into her residence.  One time, over 6 years after the divorce was final, she wanted me to help her carry something in but I declined.  Similarly, I make clear to my middle school son that his mother does not ever enter my home without my express knowledge.  Due to past allegations I have found the need to keep our residences totally separate.

What is a safe location?  Somewhere that the spouse does not have physical or electronic access.

• Computers are particularly vulnerable to snooping and spyware, files found or files destroyed, browser history viewed or monitored, especially if the spouse is computer savvy or seeks out someone who is computer savvy.



• Members here have reported that a locked briefcase can be easily broken open.





• Members here have reported that the home can be ransacked and hidden documentation found.



• Members here have reported that a vehicle's locked trunk could not withstand determined use of a crowbar.



• Members here have reported that an office can be searched when a spouse comes in and tells the unsuspecting staff, "I'll just wait in his/her office."

I made multiple copies.  Yes, it's hard to keep track of it all over time, but better to have several somethings than none.

Something is definitely “Rotten in Denmark” at your house when you are not home.

Reporting the computer damage and missing documents to the police and setting up a security cam in your house were thoughts of mine as well.

I also want to speak about keeping divorce/custody case related items hidden from your daughter as well.  Since your ex is running a Parental Alienation campaign she could be working for her dad.  My SO’s daughter’s stole their dad’s laptop and took it to their mother’s where we are sure his ex tried to hack into it (it took a call to the police to get it returned), they went through everything in his house during visitation and reported back to mom, they read his phone text messages and reported them back to mom, they even went so far as to report the contents of his refrigerator to their mother.  So as unfortunate as it is you need to keep your divorce/custody case information safely stored away from your daughter as well.

Making it unavailable to your daughter also takes her out of the conflict somewhat, because she has no information to provide her father so it makes it harder for her act as a go-between. 

Just as an aside my SO locked all of his divorce stuff in a suitcase that had been stored in his closet for sometime so no one even thought to look there.  Was it break-in proof no but it was hiding in plain sight so it was overlooked.

I’m sorry you are going through all of this and I know how painful it is.  You do have something many of us wish we had and that is sole custody of your daughter my advice is to do your best to keep it that way.

Hang in there and know we are all here to help 

[momtara]

so he's not even taking this to court? he's badgering and harassing you. sounds like he should get less time, not more. I think boundaries may be good - drop-offs/pickups at police station, etc.

whose idea was the order not to record? sounds like someone has something to hide. others may have a response here, but record just in case he says or does something really violent.

since this isn't going to court, perhaps the best thing is indeed for you to find a way to avoid contact with him, or document until you have enough to do something in court. you can also post on avvo.com to hear lawyers' ideas for free.

[livednlearned]

so he's not even taking this to court? he's badgering and harassing you. sounds like he should get less time, not more. I think boundaries may be good - drop-offs/pickups at police station, etc.

whose idea was the order not to record? sounds like someone has something to hide. others may have a response here, but record just in case he says or does something really violent.

since this isn't going to court, perhaps the best thing is indeed for you to find a way to avoid contact with him, or document until you have enough to do something in court. you can also post on avvo.com to hear lawyers' ideas for free.

It is less about custody and more about alienation. And to a growing extent, it's about enforcing personal safety/security boundaries.

The custody piece is just a trigger, it's an extension of control issues.

[newlifeBPDfree]

so he's not even taking this to court? he's badgering and harassing you. sounds like he should get less time, not more. I think boundaries may be good - drop-offs/pickups at police station, etc.

whose idea was the order not to record? sounds like someone has something to hide. others may have a response here, but record just in case he says or does something really violent.

since this isn't going to court, perhaps the best thing is indeed for you to find a way to avoid contact with him, or document until you have enough to do something in court. you can also post on avvo.com to hear lawyers' ideas for free.

Yes, I agree with less time. We are currently in process of geting visitation schedule set up in mediations. The judge ordered us to do so but the appoitnment is now until a month from now and until then my life is going to be a chaos.

The order not to record is a standard part of the "play nice" order the judge issued after we met in court due to my restraining order, which was unfortunately vacated because I came unprepared, without lawyer and not expecting him to be there. So I could not present my case very well.

In the meantime I retained a good family attorney and they are reviewing the case as we speak. I am expecting a call back today. I defenitely need them to file a motion of contempt of court and i'm going to try to get restraining order again.

In the meantime hes begging me for post divorce therapy... . Why?

[Panda39]

I know you have much going on here and you have financial concerns but I strongly suggest making therapy for your daughter a priority.  She really needs to have someone outside of the conflict to talk to, who can give her get some coping skills, and maybe help her get to a place where she can see that she can love both parents... .that it doesn't need to be either/or.  Is there a school counselor that you might speak to about what is going on?  We found my SO’s younger daughter’s school counselor to be an excellent resource for her.

You might also want to read about “extinction bursts” if you haven’t already because it sounds like your ex is in the middle of one, just as my SO’s ex was too during and immediately after the divorce.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

In the meantime hes begging me for post divorce therapy... . Why?

My guess continued engagment with you... .could also be a legal strategy (wants to appear rational and problem solving) does your attorney know he's pushing for this?

[newlifeBPDfree]

Yes,  counselling for her and myself is my priority right now.

As to extinction burts - I read about it and it does sound like that's what is happening but my question is, how long do they last? I thought it would last a week or two but this hass been going on for 2.5 months now. I am literally exhausted and drained and my guards are up at all times. I almost feel like i'm in a war zone.

I will fill my attorney in on everything that's going on and it's a lot! The push for joint custody is recent and it's getting more and more intense. But it's all talk and intimidation  because he's not doing anything legally in that direction and he thinks he's going to force or intimidate me into doing it for him.

[momtara]

my ex used to constantly threaten to take me to court. our parent coordinator suggested to me that this was harassment. an attorney may have suggestions to stop it.