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Author Topic: Feeling down - update  (Read 954 times)
maxsterling
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« on: April 16, 2015, 11:36:09 AM »

The other thread was getting long, so I am starting a new one.


I'm going a little better, feeling a bit more hopeful, but mainly in regarding things I want to do.  The little bit of me doing things for myself here or there has helped.  Plus, I have gotten back into tackling a personal project at work, and I feel hopeful that I am going something quite exciting and will soon be able to share my results with others.

But the r/s - another story.  I feel like she has had another slip.  She was optimistic last weekend when I was feeling down, but this week it's been nonstop complaints of pain and loneliness.  The past two mornings she was in grouchy moods, snapping at me a bit over the little things I have no control over.  This morning it was because I made oatmeal for the two of us, and I put it into her dish for her as I was serving myself. 

I think the real issue here is once again a Facebook related issue.  She spends considerable time each day browsing facebook and feeling envious of others.  This morning her comment was about how she has so many friends who have had babies lately and they are all on meds while pregnant.  That's her issue, she's told to come off her meds before trying to have a baby, and she doesn't want to/cant come off her meds.  For me, it's not the risk of the meds that is so bad, but the reason she is on the meds.  The meds she are on pose some risk, but the health issues she is taking the meds for are a greater risk.  If she could find the right medications and the right dosages to deal with her chronic pain, depression, and anxiety, I think it would be worth the risk.  But right now she is on meds, still complaining of pain daily, still complaining of anxiety, depression, etc. 

I'm going to give her space today (or to rephrase, give myself space), try and focus on this work project, and things to take care of me.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2015, 11:49:36 AM »

I should also add one thing... .

The other week when I was feeling rather down, I was also experiencing pain in my lower groin area that I thought was either a UTI or some kind of bladder infection.  I've had issues with this my whole life, but this time it felt different - the pain was more dull, more generalized, and lasted a week rather than a few hours.  I did tell my wife about it at the time, she had her suspicions of this or that, told me she wanted me to see a doctor.  I said I would.  So, after doing a little research, I came to the conclusion that I likely had an infection in my prostate, and this is a chronic issue for me.  I quickly made an appointment to see a urologist. 

I told W last night that I made the urology appointment, and she was upset with me!  Said I had told her that it was only a skin issue (not true) and that I don't communicate with her (her go-to complaint when she is feeling anxious about anything).  Geez, here me at 39 needing to get my prostate checked is a little concerning, and I got NO empathy from her... .
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« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2015, 01:43:07 PM »

Last night I was worried she would be in a bad mood.  But she was mostly okay.  We went out shopping for things to plant in our garden (she wants to help), and she did tire after being out for a bit.  We came home, and the power was out.  First she wanted to blame me for not leaving the outside light on so we could see to unlock the door.  When we found out the power was out, she tried to blame me for that.  But we lit some candles, took a bath together and things were good after that. 

We did have another conversation regarding my pain issues in my lower groin.  It came up because I told her that I was still experiencing some dull pain on occasion, and that it may be an infection in my prostate, and thought it best for me to not engage in sex until I see the urologist next week.  (I told her I could still pleasure her, but I felt I needed to take it easy on my body for a few days.  She expressed concern, although much of her concern had more to do with potential infertility concerns... .

this morning, we both woke up late.  I got up, used the bathroom, started the coffee, and when I got back to the bedroom her first words to me were, "Jesus Christ, didn't I tell you I had a doctors appointment at 8:30?"  My mood immediately sank.  I think that is what I really have a hard time dealing with right now, being put in responsibility for basic things beyond my control - getting her out of bed, making sure she has something to eat, all the times she asks me questions beginning with the phrase "Should I... . "

But she did apologize for her morning grumpiness, using the excuse that she is not a "morning person".   She then went off to T.  She called me a while ago saying that she is going to see T twice a week, and was worried about cost of copays.  I re-assured her that T was very important, and we can find a way to pay the co-pays.
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2015, 03:19:56 PM »

@Max     

I hope everything turns out ok at your urologist appointment. I know how bad that feels... . they do not give us any empathy when we are hurt. I had a breast abscess once that felt like it was on fire. Hurt really bad, couldn't sleep. He told me to quit complaining about it. So, I didn't say anything for a few days and it got real bad looking and I went to the doctor. They gave me some antibiotics and such and cleared it up, but now I got this keloid scar that hurts sometimes. When I got home, he was surprised they gave me medication so I showed it to him and he sort of jumped back a little... . said he didn't realize it was that bad.

... .

... .

... .

I hope this gives you some comfort, but I work in the surgery department at a hospital. The vast majority of men with prostate issues ends up being "Benign Prostatic Hypertrophy" and is manageable.

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« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2015, 06:41:33 PM »

Max, I'm going to be sounding like I'm coming out of left field here and I hope that what I say doesn't offend you.

So here goes. I think that our bodies give us messages sometimes that our minds refuse to acknowledge. Your prostate issues might be your body's way of telling you that you should not have children with your wife.

I have a shoulder injury that began many years ago when my husband, who was not my husband at the time, contacted me out of the blue. We had had a relationship that ended and then years later he wrote me. I was quite upset upon receiving this letter and was thinking about it when I was sawing a large limb off my fig tree. As I sawed, I thought I would symbolically cut him out of my life. Suddenly I realized that my shoulder was hurt, but I kept sawing away.

A few months later we got back together and just when he was going to move to my area from several hundred miles away, my shoulder began hurting again and hurt for weeks. Then when we decided to move in together, after not hurting for a while, I got a several month-long recurrence of the shoulder pain. As I became more codependent, my shoulder started hurting on a regular basis.

Finally I figured out the connection and have made attempts to communicate with my shoulder (specifically a rotator cuff injury). When I'm taking care of myself and being true to myself, I seldom have pain. When I don't, that's when I suffer.

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« Reply #5 on: April 21, 2015, 05:27:12 PM »

Well, went to the doctor, who said I likely have an infection in my prostate, and I will take antibiotics for a few weeks and come back for further testing.  Nothing too serious or out of the ordinary.  The doctor did suggest that some of my pain issues in the area may be stress related, and asked if I was under a lot of stress.  I told him yes.  I have no doubt that stress is playing a role in all of this.

Soo.  W was worried about me, wanted to do to the doctor with me, I told her that I did not need her there, she asked why, etc, etc.  But, she wound up having another appointment at the same time anyway.  Afterwards, she called me, asked how it went, I told her, told her that I need to find a way to reduce stress, etc.  And after that, she moved on to talking about her doctor's appointment, and a 30-minute "overview" about how this new doctor told her that the medications she is on are low risk for pregnancy, suggested we start trying to get pregnant ASAP, got all excited about it... .uggh.  The bank account is at zero.  My stress level is already at 9.5 out of 10.  Just the other day she was telling me she felt no point in living.  Two days ago her pain was too unbearable to leave the house. 

So, I flat out told her that I was really stressed out, and before we try to have children I need to find a way to reduce my stress level.   Now she says she is very upset, and need to tell her what to do to be a better wife.  I've given her a few ideas, but she doesn't understand.  I told her that I do need time to myself, and that when we spend time together I need time when we aren't shopping, trying to get things done, on the phone, etc.  I told her that right now my life feels like I am jumping from one thing to the next, and never taking time for myself.   She asked specifically what I feel like I am rushing into, and I told her it wasn't specific, but general feeling like I have an endless list of things to do.

MC is tomorrow.  Good.
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« Reply #6 on: April 23, 2015, 08:47:40 AM »

So, I flat out told her that I was really stressed out, and before we try to have children I need to find a way to reduce my stress level.   Now she says she is very upset, and need to tell her what to do to be a better wife.  I've given her a few ideas, but she doesn't understand.

"My stress level is higher when I try to fix you and solve all your problems, as well as my own. The more you can handle your own issues on your own, and with external support (besides me!), the better I'll be.

If I take on the responsibility of making you better wife it will increase my stress levels, not reduce them."
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« Reply #7 on: April 23, 2015, 09:15:20 AM »

GK, exactly.  But she's got BPD > self-centered > won't be able to understand it that way.  And I have fear because whenever I have tried to communicate that with her, there's been a huge dysregulation.

Yesterday was MC.  Normally I am okay when she spends a lot of time talking about her issues, because I feel that if she doesn't solve her issues, we can't solve couple's issues.  But with me feeling down I tried to be more expressive, yet left feeling invalidated.  I did express that I was depressed, had a bunch of stuff I needed to process, felt stressed, unmotivated, with a low self image. 

Her response was basically to say that she doesn't know what to do to help me, that me being down freaks her out because she needs so much support from me, and that I don't communicate what is wrong with me.  And after that, I closed back up.  It seems to me all the pieces are there plain as day - I feel down, am not expressing myself because feel invalidated, and then I feel more down, she tires to pry more, and the cycle gets worse. 

After that, she wanted to talk about sex issues.  mainly about how she has a lot of sexual trauma to work through.  I knew this, but also told her that when she doesn't work through it, it comes out as meanness to me, and that now I have a lot to process and work though because of mean things she has said to me sexually (some of the wort humiliating put downs ever said to me).  But her issues - wow, they run deep.  Real deep.  And I don't have an issue as long as her past is her past.  But it's obviously not.  She said that being married is a challenge to her simply because she is unsure she can stay monogamous, and that having a baby could also bring up sex issues for her.  I had hypothesized she had issues there, but I feel so incredibly burned because of all the pressure she put on me to get married, so many times she screamed at me over this issue, and now she tells me being married leads to her being uncomfortable sexually?  I feel lied to.

I just need to turn it all off for a few days and focus on the basics of taking care of me.  Last night I could barely sleep because of negative thoughts.  Mean things she had said to me in the past kept running through my head.  I kept thinking that having a child with her would be an extremely bad idea until she works through these very serious issues.  And then I went round and round about how to tell her that.   But this morning, I am trying to remind myself to just take care of me.
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« Reply #8 on: April 23, 2015, 09:28:31 AM »

She said that being married is a challenge to her simply because she is unsure she can stay monogamous, and that having a baby could also bring up sex issues for her. 

/sigh Max... .I feel for ya man. I really do. You try so hard... .too hard in fact because you are making yourself physically ill. You weren't particularly on-board with the whole baby idea at any rate, and I agree with you that you should not pursue that at this time. Do you know what sort of sex issues a baby would cause for her?

God... .that must have hurt to hear her say she didn't think she could be monogamous after badgering to get married. Do you think it's possible she thought  if she went through the marriage, she would magically wake up and want to be monogamous?

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« Reply #9 on: April 23, 2015, 09:53:13 AM »

Some of the sex issues involved having anxiety attacks during exams/delivery of a baby.  Other issues would get int he way of us having an enjoyable sex life needed to produce a baby.  On my end, I don't want to have a baby (or am not in the mood for sex) if a relationship feels unstable.  After what she revealed yesterday, it feels unstable.   

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« Reply #10 on: April 23, 2015, 11:25:02 AM »

I rode my bike to work this morning.  I think it helped.  Just being away and having my own space also helps right now.

I was thinking as I was riding - that I am not in an emotional place to really evaluate things much right now.  I feel like I don't know which way is up and so unsure about everything.  I just don't think I am in a place where I can make sound decisions about things. 

I am on a low dose of SSRI to help with anxiety side affects from ADHD medicine.  I'm thinking about talking to my doctor about increasing the dose to help with depression so that I can be in clearer mind to really evaluate things.  Good idea?  I've been on SSRIs before and they have helped some. 

W came home from an AA meeting, and I told her that I had not slept well.  She asked why, and I told her I just had a lot on my mind and some negative thoughts.  She wanted details and said I should share my burdens with her.  I thought this a bad idea ATM, considering many of my negative thoughts were flashbacks of her screaming at me in the car.  Good idea to be open with her about those flashbacks right now?  I just feel to fragile that if me revealing that led to a dysregulation, I would not be able to handle it.
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« Reply #11 on: April 23, 2015, 12:00:14 PM »

GK, exactly.  But she's got BPD > self-centered > won't be able to understand it that way.  And I have fear because whenever I have tried to communicate that with her, there's been a huge dysregulation.

Yes. Can you say it to her anyway, and protect yourself if/when the dysregulation happens?

Appeasing her by not telling her and giving her some kind of excuse and/or avoiding telling her doesn't slow her down from picking at you like this.

Can you simply say "My mental health is my business. I'm not discussing it with you." Then STFU. And leave the room/house/hang up/whatever if she can't honor that statement.

Excerpt
Yesterday was MC.  Normally I am okay when she spends a lot of time talking about her issues, because I feel that if she doesn't solve her issues, we can't solve couple's issues.  But with me feeling down I tried to be more expressive, yet left feeling invalidated.  I did express that I was depressed, had a bunch of stuff I needed to process, felt stressed, unmotivated, with a low self image. 

Max, it isn't safe for you to discuss your own issues when she is there... .are you getting individual T for yourself? You do need to address these things, and you need a safe place for it!

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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #12 on: April 23, 2015, 12:37:55 PM »

Max, it isn't safe for you to discuss your own issues when she is there... .are you getting individual T for yourself? You do need to address these things, and you need a safe place for it!

This. With as bad as you are feeling, this should be the only thing you focus on right now. We cannot be of any help to our spouses if we are drowning ourselves. <3
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« Reply #13 on: April 23, 2015, 08:43:03 PM »

I had a long email chat with a good friend today.   It helped.  I've been avoiding friends lately because I have not felt very social. 

Had to take my beloved cat to the vet today.  Urinary issues, but he's okay.  He's getting older though.  He's been my best bud for years.

W is at an art studio.  I'm glad she is doing this, and wish she would have put in this much effort a year ago, or even a decade ago.  She was involved in the same art studio last year, but they kicked her out because she never went.  This year, she's actually going and taking the classes (it is a free therapeutic art studio for mentally ill people). 

Right now I am just sitting with my cat, drinking a glass of wine.  Probably not the best idea because I am on antibiotics. but it is helping me relax some.  I just need to clear all this negativity out of my head, somehow.
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maxsterling
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« Reply #14 on: April 24, 2015, 10:59:31 AM »

I feel determined to dig myself out of it a bit today.  Maybe if I get started early I won't wallow in it so much. 

W was obviously depressed last night.  She binge ate, said she felt depressed, basically just watched TV.  This morning she said she was depressed and gave me some guilt about not spending time with her in the morning.  I just lack the energy to delve into that with her right now.

She did go to an AA meeting, and now has a T appointment.  Both good.  I feel I should reach out to her via phone sometime today, even though I do not want to enable more phone conversations with her while I am at work (she typically calls 4x per day).

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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #15 on: April 24, 2015, 11:03:37 AM »

I feel determined to dig myself out of it a bit today.  Maybe if I get started early I won't wallow in it so much. 

W was obviously depressed last night.  She binge ate, said she felt depressed, basically just watched TV.  This morning she said she was depressed and gave me some guilt about not spending time with her in the morning.  I just lack the energy to delve into that with her right now.

She did go to an AA meeting, and now has a T appointment.  Both good.  I feel I should reach out to her via phone sometime today, even though I do not want to enable more phone conversations with her while I am at work (she typically calls 4x per day).

If she will call you 4x a day, I would just go ahead and wait for her to do that and speak to her. I hope your kitty is ok <3
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« Reply #16 on: April 28, 2015, 10:36:47 AM »

Max, I'm going to be sounding like I'm coming out of left field here and I hope that what I say doesn't offend you.

So here goes. I think that our bodies give us messages sometimes that our minds refuse to acknowledge. Your prostate issues might be your body's way of telling you that you should not have children with your wife.

I have a shoulder injury that began many years ago when my husband, who was not my husband at the time, contacted me out of the blue. We had had a relationship that ended and then years later he wrote me. I was quite upset upon receiving this letter and was thinking about it when I was sawing a large limb off my fig tree. As I sawed, I thought I would symbolically cut him out of my life. Suddenly I realized that my shoulder was hurt, but I kept sawing away.

A few months later we got back together and just when he was going to move to my area from several hundred miles away, my shoulder began hurting again and hurt for weeks. Then when we decided to move in together, after not hurting for a while, I got a several month-long recurrence of the shoulder pain. As I became more codependent, my shoulder started hurting on a regular basis.

Finally I figured out the connection and have made attempts to communicate with my shoulder (specifically a rotator cuff injury). When I'm taking care of myself and being true to myself, I seldom have pain. When I don't, that's when I suffer.

hello Max,

let's hope your problems can be cured with those antibiotics... .for this time.

however, if the problems return frequently, it isn't wise to take antibiotics regularly !

and second, and here I want to join the ideas of Cat Familiar, there might be some psychological reasons underneath it, so it could be a fysical manifestation of slumbering unbalances in your life.

Personally, I discovered that my bladderproblems (which could be an irritated, hyperactive bladder or a bladderinfection) are obviously connected with me being stressed out, or when I am overtired or exhausted.

Also,  there are some interesting (mainly asian) theories that there is a link between bladderproblems and having difficulties with setting boundaries... .

I wish you a good recovery, take care and pay attention to the signs of your body !
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« Reply #17 on: April 28, 2015, 04:14:20 PM »

I'd been slowly feeling a little bit more excited about life, but this afternoon feeling down again.  I think it is emotional hangover from a dysregulation-filled weekend.  I think that is normal.  I mean, how should one feel when his wife binged on food and then forced herself to puke and blamed it on me?  Or when she boxed up all the unhealthy food in the house, blamed it on me, and ordered me to get rid of it? (its still in my trunk).  Or when she said she felt like drinking/getting high for the first time in 12 years?  I need to accept that depression is the normal reaction after dealing with that.

The prostate pain hasn't gotten any better.  I've been told from several sources now that it won't get better until I reduce my stress level. Urinating is painful.  Sex is painful.  I can't see any chance since I started antibiotics. I go back to the urologist on Friday. 

I asked my P to increase my antidepressants.  I hate doing this, but I think I need to keep that fact from my wife for the time being. 
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« Reply #18 on: April 29, 2015, 06:55:36 PM »

I'm still fighting the blues, but have been more positive as of late.  I've tried to find something to focus energy on and divert my attention from the chaos - and that is my garden.  It's helped, but it feels like more of a stop gap to keep me from thinking about the things that feel so unstable and negative.

As for W - gee - amazing how they can rebound like nothing happened.  last weekend was pretty intense, and she is going on like all is good and last weekend was just a little slip.  And here I am, still processing.  I'm still dealing with the infection, seems to not be getting better at all.  Clearly stress is a factor here.  Last night I was taking a bath to relieve pain, relaxing, listening to music, feeling better, and suddenly I hear a "GOD DAMNIT!" come from the kitchen and I could immediately feel the pain in my groin area come back. 

W went to the doctor yesterday, said she has pain in her lymph nodes on her neck.  This was a follow-up appointment after they did a blood test.  They suggested she quit taking the vitamins she started taking recently, go slower on the detox from pain killers and Xanax, ordered an MRI on her neck, and suggested a fertility test.  I think sometimes doctors have a hunch and order various tests without being too open about the hunch with the patient.  I don't know what the "hunch" is here, but I tried to tell my wife that the fertility test is just one more piece of information they can use to try and figure out what is wrong with her and how to treat it. 

I dread this.  My wife is at times obsessed with having a baby.  She is 39.  She was an illicit drug abuser.  She hasn't taken care of her health.  Imagine the dysregulation that would follow if she found out she were infertile, I was infertile, she had a miscarriage (odds are likely) or we could not conceive.

But - I need to avoid stressing over a future that hasn't come yet.   
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« Reply #19 on: April 30, 2015, 03:58:08 AM »

But - I need to avoid stressing over a future that hasn't come yet.  

YES!  

it sounds like the end of the fysical problems for the both of you isn't near yet, so it will be hugely important to take things one day at a time and pay attention to reduce your stress-levels... .did you ever try anything like breathing-excercises or mindfulness-meditations ? they might help... .
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« Reply #20 on: April 30, 2015, 07:37:37 AM »

But - I need to avoid stressing over a future that hasn't come yet.  

I'll second that. Besides... .whether there is a medical reason your wife cannot have a baby or not... .I'm not sure I can see my way to a reasonable scenario where you and she are mentally healthy enough that you want to have a child with her under any circumstances... .at least not without waiting enough more years that her chances of fertility have gone down 10X farther than they are at 39!
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« Reply #21 on: May 02, 2015, 09:18:13 AM »

Dr.  says my urine tests negative for infection.  Suggested it is stress related and muscular pain, prescribed me valium.  Yikes.  It still feels like an infection, but I don't doubt stress is very closely related here.

Came home from Dr. with wife severely depressed, hitting herself, throwing things around the bedroom.  Not a good time to tell her what the Dr. said.  She of course was worried, when she asked what the doctor said and I started that the doctor could not identify an infection, she flipped out, called him a quack, blamed be for not having her at the Dr. appointment with me and said I didn't ask the Dr. the right questions.  After that, i couldn't even talk about it any more without her interrupting, so I didn't. 

Afternoon was mostly bad, and so was evening.  she dysregulated last night, over money, after checking our bank account.  No win there, I still stand by the decisions I have made in this area.  Screaming at the top of her lungs.  I'm shaking, want to sleep in other room.   I am laying on couch, starting to calm, and next thing she is back to scream at me some more, for an hour and a half.  I tried to stay calm, and just not respond to much of it, but I did do some "backed into the corner" JADE.  I think it was some of those issues where my truth has to come out, and I had nothing left in my gas tank to try and ease her into it in any way.

This is so backwards, with her blaming me for her issues, using my words about "moving forwards" when she is still hung up about how much money we spent on the wedding.

I'm starting to wonder if the only way forward for me is out. 
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« Reply #22 on: May 02, 2015, 09:55:26 AM »

I don't want to read too much into your post, Max, but in some ways your W reminds me of my mother. Not so much the illicit drug use but the raging and dysregulation. We had many scenes of mom screaming all over the house, breaking things, ranting, and the suicide (often for attention ) attempts. There were times it really was a madhouse.

This baby idea. You know it is like the other things- the wedding- the external issue of the moment that takes the focus off her internal issues- your medical issues, the bank account, someone at her meeting who makes her angry.

However, she also is a 39 year old woman facing an inevitable loss of fertility regardless of whether or not it is wise to have a baby. Even women who have children can go through this- knowing it is the last chance in a way and grieving, even if they too don't wish to expand their families. It is possible to be empathetic towards her, regardless of the issue of having a baby. I don't know how it feels to be a man, but I think men who wish to be fathers could also grieve this time, although men retain their fertility longer.

You know that stress affects people physically and mentally. I can't help but connect the two  emotional ideas- your wife wanting a child, when you don't think it is a wise decision, and your pain in your reproductive body parts. This is a painful situation.

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« Reply #23 on: May 02, 2015, 02:30:26 PM »

Notwendy has a very valid point about how tough what your wife is going through is... .but comforting or validating somebody when they are attacking you isn't something you've got the energy and reserves for today.

DUDE. You aren't helping either you or her when you "try to be calm" while letting her scream at you for more than a minute! It is tearing you down. It isn't helping her cope well. And further, if you don't react, she doesn't get any satisfaction, and is going to have to keep trying 'till you do.

I'm starting to wonder if the only way forward for me is out. 

Hang in there man. It is your choice... .and knowing that you do have a choice helps, whatever you do.

My thought is that you need some space and time away from her, immediately... .to get yourself strong enough to even make that kind of choice.

Do you have any friends or family members you can crash on the couch of for a night or three? A vacation (without your wife!) would be better, or even a weekend out in a cabin someplace.
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« Reply #24 on: May 02, 2015, 05:17:33 PM »

I like the suggestion of taking a personal break. One way the dysregulations- screaming, ranting, breaking things, worked for mom was that dad would give her anything she wanted to get a moment of calm, so her behavior was reinforced. She ruled the house as all of us feared her rages. She would hold our stuff hostage too, threatening to break our favorite toys, or ransack dad's home office and wreck his papers if we did not comply. Dad developed a short fuse with us too, if we even tried to consider that her requests we not reasonable. Once she decided she had to have a big fancy computer . However, she is not computer savvy. At the store, I suggested a less costly model that had the features she wanted. Before I could even explain, Dad snapped "GET MOTHER EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS" which basically became the family mantra. Once she had planned a very expensive family event and dad was stressing over how to pay for it. We kids put our foot down and said no, we won't do this.

What ensued was days of awful dysregulations . Hollering, yelling, screaming. We tried to give Dad a financial break but she made sure that he paid for it emotionally.

The other way he handled the dysregulations was by walking out of the house, which worked for him, but we were still there. Sometimes I would leave and go to a friends house. Then, mother would pick up the phone and call every one of my friends looking for me and yelling until I came home.

Why am I telling you this Max? Because I am wondering if your wife will dysregulate until you give in and make a baby, or until she realizes that doing this doesn't work. However, it makes sense for her to test your boundary. You said no to her. This could be an extinction burst because you set a personal boundary.

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« Reply #25 on: May 02, 2015, 07:15:35 PM »

For sure a week vacation or break from this would do wonders. Best would be if she took a trip. 

She's still nasty to me today, but obviously trying to move past it.  I'm remembering that she gets most upset/dysregulated when something happens to basically validate the way she feels about herself.  She knows she has a hard time having a calm discussion about money in any way.  Me saying that I need that from her - blow up.  She knows it is stress on me to deal with her.  Me pointing that out - blow up. 

I think that is the key to dysregulation and this illness.  They tend to feel crappy about themselves, and any kind of thing that they perceive as external reinforcement of that self hatred, and they retaliate with both arms swinging. 
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« Reply #26 on: May 02, 2015, 08:12:21 PM »

Max, re-read what you just wrote.

Where is the part where you take any action to make your own life more manageable?

Hoping she will go away?

You need to take care of YOU. Your health is being impacted badly. If you wait for your wife to drop something that will give you peace and space your lap, you might be in the hospital first.
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« Reply #27 on: May 02, 2015, 08:43:21 PM »

Max, I'm with GK here. Your posts are about your W, and how she is making your miserable. Like GK said, what action(s) can you take to take care of yourself?

Max, your body is physically hurting. You need to take care of yourself too.

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« Reply #28 on: May 03, 2015, 12:46:16 AM »

only saying it would be best if she went away because that gives me the chance to relax in my own space, and her a chance to do something on her own.  I'm saying best case scenario. 

But you are right - don't wait on her. 
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« Reply #29 on: May 03, 2015, 02:54:48 AM »

only saying it would be best if she went away because that gives me the chance to relax in my own space, and her a chance to do something on her own.  I'm saying best case scenario. 

But you are right - don't wait on her. 

Yeah, I get that wanting peace in your own space. Does she have any place she might want to go that you could suggest?

But barring that, finding some place out of the house you can go for even an hour would be helpful for your own mental health. I remember right after we got married, H was pretty bizarre for about 3 months, but it did calm down. (Even though we had been living together for 13 years at that point). 

BTW-Robotech fan? Smiling (click to insert in post)
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