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My ex-husband is a former trial attorney, now state administrative law judge. He was verbally/financially/emotionally abusive for many years. I initially asked for a divorce in early 2008. He always refused, said we could get counseling, refused to do any of the work or read any of the books the counselor recommended. During this time, he was withholding sex, and we went over 9 months without sex, with me being shot down every day for over 6 of the 9 months (I kept a journal and documented it every night). I asked for a divorce again after counseling was going nowhere. He again refused, said we needed to work on things. I had an affair (I know this is horrible, and I regret the decision every day, so no need to admonish me about it- I have done that enough to myself and it isn't relevant to the situation here) after these 9 months had passed. He ended up finding out about the affair, I again asked for divorce, and this time he said, "That is fine. If you divorce me, you will never see your daughter ever again.  I am friends with all of the family court judges in the area and I will use the affair against you." He actually visited my parents and told them the exact same thing. After talking with my parents about my options, we all agreed I should try my best to repair the relationship, in order to keep my daughter. I worked a program called MarriageBuilders to overcome the affair. My ex-husband told everyone in our town who would listen about my affair (even sent out an email to everyone in his law office, as the affair was with someone from another law office that merged with his law office). I ended up pregnant about a year later. He actually accused me of it not being his initially, when I had been doing everything I could to fix our marriage.  He ended up being embarrassed about the entire situation and moved us 5 hours away from all of my family. His family all live in another state, so it was not to be closer to his family. He took a job making less than I did as a teacher and I was unable to get a job right away, since I was obviously pregnant when I went in for interviews. He was in complete control of all of the finances, would not give me any information about the finances when I asked to know what was going on. I was controlled financially all the time, eventually being told I could not go to the grocery store without him because I spent too much. The two times I tried to go without him to see what would happen, resulted in me getting verbally abused all evening in front of my daughters. My brother stopped coming to holiday gatherings/dinners because he couldn't bear to see his sister be treated so poorly. My parents even started making up excuses to not visit, and my ex would never let us drive the 5 hours to see my parents on holidays. I finally had enough of the abuse in November 2013. I asked for a divorce again. My best friend was now an attorney and informed me that he could not use the affair against me now, since we had since reconciled. I was no longer scared of losing my daughters. He begged me to try counseling. I wanted to give him one last chance, so we tried counseling from November 2013 to February 2014. I saw no changes in him. In fact, he expected me to read the books, tell him what to do. I still had no access to any money, so my mom paid for my divorce in March 2014, it was filed in April 2014. It should have only taken 60 days, but his attorney refused to return any phone calls or emails from my attorney. They were having to send everything by mail. I moved out in July 2014, divorce was final October 31, 2014. Ex-husband had his annual review/raise dated the next day (which was a Saturday- not sure how that works... . didn't know his state agency works on Saturdays) so that his new raise wouldn't be included in any calculations. Ex-husband is paying $850 per month child support when he is supposed to be paying $1250/month because I agreed to less than standard because he said he wanted to refinance the house we owned so he could keep it for the girls, and because he was agreeing to pay for extracurricular activities for the girls (which they both have now quit- said they were doing it because they thought their dad was making them). I now know I should have fought for the full amount of child support. Now, fast forward to today, I am actually engaged to a wonderful man who helps me decode the exes crazy emails, and is a great stepdad to the girls already. We are planning to marry this summer. We would like to move back to Georgia, where he is from and still owns a house. We know we have an uphill battle with a modification, but we are willing to do it.

[Georgiabound]

My ex-husband is a former trial attorney, now state administrative law judge. He was verbally/financially/emotionally abusive for many years. I initially asked for a divorce in early 2008. He always refused, said we could get counseling, refused to do any of the work or read any of the books the counselor recommended. During this time, he was withholding sex, and we went over 9 months without sex, with me being shot down every day for over 6 of the 9 months (I kept a journal and documented it every night). I asked for a divorce again after counseling was going nowhere. He again refused, said we needed to work on things. I had an affair (I know this is horrible, and I regret the decision every day, so no need to admonish me about it- I have done that enough to myself and it isn't relevant to the situation here) after these 9 months had passed. He ended up finding out about the affair, I again asked for divorce, and this time he said, "That is fine. If you divorce me, you will never see your daughter ever again.  I am friends with all of the family court judges in the area and I will use the affair against you." He actually visited my parents and told them the exact same thing. After talking with my parents about my options, we all agreed I should try my best to repair the relationship, in order to keep my daughter. I worked a program called MarriageBuilders to overcome the affair. My ex-husband told everyone in our town who would listen about my affair (even sent out an email to everyone in his law office, as the affair was with someone from another law office that merged with his law office). I ended up pregnant about a year later. He actually accused me of it not being his initially, when I had been doing everything I could to fix our marriage.  He ended up being embarrassed about the entire situation and moved us 5 hours away from all of my family. His family all live in another state, so it was not to be closer to his family. He took a job making less than I did as a teacher and I was unable to get a job right away, since I was obviously pregnant when I went in for interviews. He was in complete control of all of the finances, would not give me any information about the finances when I asked to know what was going on. I was controlled financially all the time, eventually being told I could not go to the grocery store without him because I spent too much. The two times I tried to go without him to see what would happen, resulted in me getting verbally abused all evening in front of my daughters. My brother stopped coming to holiday gatherings/dinners because he couldn't bear to see his sister be treated so poorly. My parents even started making up excuses to not visit, and my ex would never let us drive the 5 hours to see my parents on holidays. I finally had enough of the abuse in November 2013. I asked for a divorce again. My best friend was now an attorney and informed me that he could not use the affair against me now, since we had since reconciled. I was no longer scared of losing my daughters. He begged me to try counseling. I wanted to give him one last chance, so we tried counseling from November 2013 to February 2014. I saw no changes in him. In fact, he expected me to read the books, tell him what to do. I still had no access to any money, so my mom paid for my divorce in March 2014, it was filed in April 2014. It should have only taken 60 days, but his attorney refused to return any phone calls or emails from my attorney. They were having to send everything by mail. I moved out in July 2014, divorce was final October 31, 2014. Ex-husband had his annual review/raise dated the next day (which was a Saturday- not sure how that works... . didn't know his state agency works on Saturdays) so that his new raise wouldn't be included in any calculations. Ex-husband is paying $850 per month child support when he is supposed to be paying $1250/month because I agreed to less than standard because he said he wanted to refinance the house we owned so he could keep it for the girls, and because he was agreeing to pay for extracurricular activities for the girls (which they both have now quit- said they were doing it because they thought their dad was making them). I now know I should have fought for the full amount of child support. Now, fast forward to today, I am actually engaged to a wonderful man who helps me decode the exes crazy emails, and is a great stepdad to the girls already. We are planning to marry this summer. We would like to move back to Georgia, where he is from and still owns a house. We know we have an uphill battle with a modification, but we are willing to do it.

[Turkish]

Hello Georgiabound, and

I think it's great that you have found a wonderful new partner. It must be like living in another world, even if you have legal or financial ties back to your exH.

I'm in California. My L told me that since my Ex agreed to have me pay below guideline child support (I put most of the balance into 529s, which wouldn't count towards support, and got about $100/mo net break on top of that), that she could file for guideline support without having to show change of circumstances. You might want to consult with an attorney to see if this is the case. Asking the question on avvo.com might yield you the answer as well.

[livednlearned]

Hi Georgiabound,

I was married to a former trial attorney too, and he began working for the state as a public servant. Maybe there's a rulebook about this for lawyers who get divorced. 

How old are your girls? Are they doing ok? What kind of custody arrangement do you have in place?

[ogopogodude]

A few things concern me in your post, Georgiabound, ... . and that is when you stated that your ex will use the fact that you had an affair to use against you in court so that you will never see your daughter again.

Did you know that this is called extortion aka blackmail... .?  Did you know that this is in fact ILLEGAL... .? Your ex should know this very well, being a lawyer and all.

Please tell me that you recorded this conversation of his with you... .

Your ex can be dis-barred for this... .  Perhaps get him to say this dumb-azzed remark again, but this time for it to be documented or at least for you to have another neutral person listening in on this conversation for verification purposes.

There is ONE thing that a man does not ever want to jeopardize and that is his livelihood.

I'm just thinking out loud for your sake, ... .

[Georgiabound]

I think trial attorneys are evil now.

My girls are 5 and 12. It was rough at first, as the 12 year old was closer to her dad, as he wouldn't let me take her to many of her extracurricular things. He also encouraged her to say rude and degrading things to me, so it took a bit to get back on track. Things have gotten much better now that she is further removed from his manipulation, and she now looks at what he says and does with a great deal of skepticism. The 5 year old went through a period of a month or two where she would sob uncontrollably when we would pick her up from visiting her dad. We finally asked her sister and found out my ex was getting her all worked up about how much he was going to miss her and wishes she could stay with him right before we were due to pick her up.

Yes, I know now what he said was blackmail/extortion. I did not get it in writing or recorded. He did say the exact same thing to my parents when he went to visit them without me to discuss the affair in 2008. They would be willing to testify about that. I highly doubt he would ever say that again. When I brought it up in counseling with him in fall 2013, he said he didn't really mean that, that he was angry and lashing out. So, I guess I have a counselor who heard him say he said it, but didn't mean it. 

Our custody agreement is me having them M-F, with him having them from 6-8 pm on Wednesday evenings, and then 1st, 3rd, 4th, and 5th weekends from Friday at 6:00 pm to Sunday at 6:00 pm. When my 12 year old and I started having rough times I requested him to give me another weekend per month so that I could spend more time with her trying to repair our relationship. He agreed for 3 months, but I don't have any agreement beyond that. The 12 year old does want to continue the extra weekend, so he would have EOW. I will be asking him to continue the extra weekend today. I have no idea how he will respond to that request.

The  most disturbing thing he has done in the past couple weeks is, he has leased a house within walking distance of the girl's schools (I am a teacher and got a transfer for them to go there, as I live in a neighborhood that was closer to our old house now), and he has started the process to become a CASA volunteer. I guess he is going to claim he has a house close to the girl's school and that he is a great person who volunteers for CASA who should get primary custody if I file for a modification.

We got a full price offer on the house a few weeks ago and will close on the house later this month. From my half of the proceeds, I plan to pay off all of my debt and sock the rest away as an emergency fund.