Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 09:16:48 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Feeling sad about Dad/DH, and about Kids.  (Read 410 times)
ennie
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (together 6 years)
Posts: 851



« on: April 22, 2015, 10:24:33 AM »

As my SDs grow--now SD15 and SD11--I have been aware of feeling really sad about how my DH's commitment, love, and good parenting are discounted.  I have largely come to terms with BPD mom's ways, mostly ignoring them.  realizing how painful it is to be her. realizing that while I can accept and care about her as she is, that for me to be happy and not get entangled, i need to just live my life and not get involved in the drama. I know she is doing her best--she is FAR less abusive than her mom was.  I can even admire her for her efforts to be a good mom in light of her terrible abuse. 

That does not make her parenting and enmeshment any less destructive for the kids or for DH.  I am grateful they are not dealing with major physical and sexual abuse they way their mom did--so they probably will not have the magnitude of psychological problems their mom has.  But they are my SDs, whom I love deeply and whose well being I'm committed to stewarding.  And it really hurts to see how much pain mom's enmeshment, rage, judgment, and alienation causes the girls.

But this week, I am so aware of how painful it is for my beautiful husband.  He has such a good heart, and such persistence.  The girls love him and express that often... .and they are willing to throw him under the bus the moment mom asks. During mom's time, in any contact with him they are rude, disrespectful, raging, mean.  He sets what boundaries he can, tells them how it feels when he can't, and loves them through it.  At home, we both set boundaries around rudeness, and the girls respond well.  By the end of our 2 week time together, the kids are happy, content, at ease, loving. For the most part... .teenagers being a work in progress in this area!

DH's great hope for his relationship with his daughters was, when they are 16, to take each for most of one summer, and go on a long trip.  His idea was that this would be a chance to show them how much he loves them--he has worked full time during their childhood as he is the sole provider for mom; mom does not work and gets lots of time with them. He wanted some time just to be with them.  He has organized his work life around being able to do this.

BPD mom just let him know that this was never going to happen, she would never be okay with that.  He was heartbroken. 

From my perspective, this is something lots of "normal" moms would not go for, and I also think he should have put more time into cultivating this idea and showing mom what is in it for her before he asked for her perspective.  He should have planned better, been more strategic.  I also think that there are options even in our current custody schedule for this--or options to make a different summer schedule one year.

But that is not who he is, and right now, he is just in pain. 

To me, this was just some kind of symbol for him, of having a chance to connect with his kids without the alienation, constant crises, rage that BPD mom brings to their relationship.  And I think this is where my sadness originates.  I just feel so sad that the girls cannot fully experience what a good man their dad is, and how much he really accepts and loves them.  When someone you love comes at you with BPD enmeshment--"You NEVER listen! I NEED to live with mommy!  Why don't you EVER care what I want?  You are a terrible Dad!", it is so challenging to show the most yummy, kind, loving side of yourself.  DH just wants to give them that.

I feel so sad that there are so few opportunities for that.  I know this is the case for lots of parents, not just those dealing with BPD in the family.  But isn't that just a terrible painful part of all of this?  This longing to connect without all the blame, rage, b/w thinking, taking sides, etc.  And the lack of time and space to do so, given the daily life of co-parenting with a BPD person and parenting more generally. 

It sort of wears on me.  Is depressing.  Seems heavy. 

That is what I have today.
Logged

bravhart1
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 653


« Reply #1 on: April 22, 2015, 01:34:52 PM »

I am very sorry to find you this way today Ennie. You and I are as you know very much in that Same boat and I know it feels so wrong.

It's so wrong and hard to understand how any mom would not just deny her child a good loving father, but go out of their way to destroy the relationship out of nothing but spite.

I vacillate between being able to be involved and shore up my unique little family and having to step back and create some space for me to heal. It's almost as though we take on all the pain, from both the kids and our DH and then need to back away to heal ourselves before we can take on any more.

One thing is for sure, there is a never ending supply of pain while dealing with a BPD, and I think that's the hardest part of all, the knowing it's not going to get better or be fixed.

I'm doing a lot of healing yoga, reading things

Like the four agreements and reminding myself that I can't control this, only not make it worse. 

I know you love and adore your DH, one of the hardest things for me was to step back and let  DH falter while learning how to navigate his ex. It's not my nature but it needed to happen so he could grow on this journey too.

Maybe his dream of a summer with his daughters is temporarily being dismissed by BPDm but we all know that things change, and she is not the ultimate authority, even though she would like everyone to think she is. Pray on it and keep the faith.

I feel like you have lost hope. The thing is that we all lose stuff sometimes, but it can be found again. Sometimes you find it, sometimes someone helps you find it, sometimes it finds you.

 I pray for you to find your hope again 
Logged
ennie
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (together 6 years)
Posts: 851



« Reply #2 on: April 22, 2015, 11:31:05 PM »

   

Thanks so much braveheart!  You make me cry tears of connectedness.

Today was better.  Just feeling the sad opened up space in my heart somehow. Instead of resisting it.  Just crying and feeling it.  Today I have hope, or at least just willingness, curiosity. 

DH has really worked hard to navigate his relationship with his ex over the past 9 years, and especially the 8 of them with me.  He is pretty clear and good with her, and we have pretty good boundaries about him sharing very little of this with me at this point.

But I am pretty worn out, and need some more down time--yes, yoga!  And my fave book currently is called "The more beautiful world our hearts know is possible."  And more meditation. 

And also just noticing my discomfort with his pain and leaning into it, letting it be fine to feel that.  I do not need to DO anything about it.  Today I can be with it and not need to do anything.  I guess it is less hope that I found or found me today--it is more freedom, knowing that it is what it is and nothing is required of me.  Hope you are well, too.
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!