Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 09:34:24 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Boundaries and Rewards  (Read 373 times)
trying2coparent

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 33


« on: April 23, 2015, 06:34:56 AM »

One of our children, S6,  has been misbehaving at school for 3 calendar years now. The things have escalated to such a degree (he has assaulted others, destroyed school property, etc) that CPS is now involved. UBPDMom says that the kids are fine on her time, I (father) side with the observations of the school. She has blocked psychiatric appointments, therapist, treatment. The doctor in charge (the one with final say) is bias favoring mothers and favors not medicating young kids with ADHD. He has told me this in the past. He believes I am the problem as she has told him that and also believes I should back off from seeking treatment for our son (again, thinking it's only occurred this year). He doesn't know the whole story so I made a 2 page chart to show him on Friday explaining the events are not recent, are not all on my time (75% on her time, 25% on mine). I'm going to ask for Occupational Therapy to address the maladaptive behavior (Son has ADHD, mood disorder, and is also suspected by every specialist to have Autism). I'm also going to ask for a referral to a Behavioral and Developmental Specialist Doctor.

Here are my two issues:

- Doctor bias and how to correct it (see above)

- UBPDMom is rewarding S6 with a good toy every day he behaves in school. My reward system is more down to earth. Behave for 1 week and you can have up to a choice of treats (rent a movie, go out to dinner, go out to dessert, get a small value toy, get a small value tablet app). I can't compete with her rewards financially and I also believe it to be bad for the long term. Has anyone dealt with this?

- I have a problem with boundaries. UBPDMom has shown at my house unannounced twice this week. One time the kids were just about to start bad times and night routines. The other, fortunately, we were not home (but she left a note).

Logged
scraps66
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Separated 9/2008, living apart since 1/2010
Posts: 1514



« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2015, 11:31:45 AM »

I'm interested in this one. 

Similar S10 and uNPD/BPDw.  Historically no system of rewards has worked and my feeling is that since S10 is consistently rewarded, it can't work and mother continues to reward the child by not giving him consequences when he's bad at school.  That makes it even tougher because we look like the bad guy then.  Right now there are few things I can use to reward or discipline.  Electronics or "screens" is about it. 

I've tried turning this around and making it an "earning" thing which I guess is the same as rewarding.   

My S10 has an IEP which gives him additional support and Wraparound Services.  You could go the avenue of working through school instead of your Dr.
Logged
trying2coparent

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 33


« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2015, 04:12:15 PM »

My S10 has an IEP which gives him additional support and Wraparound Services.  You could go the avenue of working through school instead of your Dr.

S6 has an IEP as well. He is still getting in trouble, despite their efforts. I do agree, they have a free reign at their mother's, including screen, games, and no curfew on those. I'm hopping to get some Occupational Therapy to help him.
Logged
livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #3 on: April 23, 2015, 05:50:41 PM »

Boundaries are critically important. You have to have them with your ex, and model them for your son. It's a lot of work, it can be very inconvenient, and you will probably struggle. It also gets easier eventually if you make it priority #1. Without boundaries, things get worse. 

It's also possible that there is more going on. I discovered that S13 had sensory processing disorder (SPD), in addition to ADD and ODD, or perhaps the SPD is what is contributing to the other things, it's hard to know how all of this interacts. SPD shows up in ADHD and Autism. For kids with SPD, it feels like the day is filled with land mines. They are in survival mode a lot of the time, and don't even know what it feels like to have things handled well by their sensory systems.

Some of the things that helped my son seemed weird, like brushing his skin. His SPD is mild, and he has figured out things that help him. Showers with different pressures, heavy blankets for sleeping, using a mini-trampoline. I don't know why, but these kinds of things help calm him. He also has learned to sit near the door in class so he can get up quickly and move through the hallway to his next class before there is super highway, that way he avoids being touched too much, which is something that used to created a feeling of panic.

I don't know how to handle the problem with the other parent except through court and getting legal custody. That's expensive and can take a while. I managed to do it, primarily because my ex obstructed things so badly, and I documented all of that so well. He had no good reason or explanation for why he didn't want S13 to receive services.




Logged

Breathe.
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!