Programming a Child for Non-Custodial Time and the Signs

[scraps66]

It is becoming more apparent to me, using the signs given to me by exNPD/BPDw and S10, that ex needs to control what S10 does when with me.  This is both a method of control, validation for ex, and tactic of alienation.

At the beginning of last year S10 had an incident with a same age child down the street.  He had asked if he could go and knock up for this neighbor.  He did, and I am watching them from a distance.  They are on the stoop just talking, I look away for a second, look back, and see S10 removing his hand from the other child’s face, and the other child runs inside and mother comes out.  Mother starts marching angrily down the street and yells that she didn’t see what happened, but her son has a bloody nose and it appears S10 had hit him. 

In recent time school has observed these abrupt and impulsive, apparently untriggered, sometimes aggressive movements from S10. 

Anyway, this particular day and timeframe I was having issue getting S10 outside and the weather was beautiful.  During this time he had started simply coming to my house and plopping himself down on the couch and sticking his nose in a book showing little interest in anything else as an activity.  Reading is fine, however it is my position that kids need to get out and play.  Especially when it’s nice out.

Also during this day was the first day of school and ex had marched into school and demanded the children be released, to her, out of MY daycare.  The daycare I had set up.  So the day was tense already.

I would tell ex about this incident.  Naturally, she contacted the other mother, my neighbor, and discussed and claiming to me that this was all a misunderstanding and trivialized the whole incident, my ex did.  I never talked to the mother about it.  But ex also claimed that this mother stated how mature S10 had become.  Really doubt she said this and this was ex’s state reaction to the fact the S10 is NOT maturing.

In my e-mail to ex, I note the tension in the day earlier and that she should think about her actions as they are seen by children.  That her bad adult behaviors should not be demonstrated in front of the kids.  I also then tell her what I was trying to do, get S10 outside and stop reading.  Meaning, he can read, but he also needs some physical outside activity during his day.  Ex would go on to say, “……I can’t believe you stopped him from reading…... .,” and this statement has resonated with me ever since.  It sounds like one of the precursors to my punishment.

Reading is something that ex had controlled with S10 from the start, sharing time reading, etc.  S10 won’t read the books I get for him.  So this was HER thing with S10, reading. 

I put the pieces together and I’m thinking that she may subtly hint to S10, “hey, if it’s not fun at dad’s, you can just take a book and read the whole time you’re there.  That’s fine with me.”  Or some message such as this, OR, the child is so parentified that he is doing this on his own. 

I really do think he is trying to PLEASE his emotionally needy mother.  So much so that he can read a 500 page novel in two days.  He reads at an inordinate and unrealistic pace.  My feeling is that he is trying to look like an unrealistically voracious reader in his mothers’ eyes to please his mother.

He had gotten off reading so much in recent months.  But, I had a conversation about these things in front of our coparent counselor this week where I explained this concern.  That I felt S10 wasn’t actually reading but was acting like someone who is a proficient reader.  I can ask him about the books, and he can’t tell me.         

All of this goes along with some of the other signs I see in him when he’s with me.  Demonstrations of his displeasure when being at my house.  Things like not smiling for photos, laying uncomfortably on couch watching TV, not wearing clothes I buy for him, suggesting I cook what ex and bf cook at their house, claiming the cloth3es he has at my house don’t fit, etc.   

[Mike-X]

I am sorry for all that you are dealing with. My wife and I divorced a few years ago, and co-parenting can be quite challenging.

Are you familiar with Parent Alienation Syndrome?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=274234.msg12600910

What are you thinking you can do to try to reverse any negative influences that your ex might be attempting?

[scraps66]

I of course know about PAS.

Have been thinking I need to read Divorce Poison again and better employ the strategies. 

[Mike-X]

I of course know about PAS.

Have been thinking I need to read Divorce Poison again and better employ the strategies. 

I only recently learned about PAS. My ex can be passive-aggressive and says things that she considers "truthful" but are quite condescending, so I am also concerned with protecting my son and my relationship with him. What sort of strategies do they give in Divorce Poison?

[scraps66]

Above all else, Divorce Poison stresses consistency, not taking things personally and addressing blatant issues of alienating behavior, diplomatically, but directly with your child.

This book should be in every nons library.  If you don't have a copy, get one.  It helps and if nothing else it makes you aware of what to look for.  As you see in my case, it is still a struggle to keep this disease at bay.

[livednlearned]

It seems complicated in your situation -- if your son has an underlying something (Asperger's, SPD, ODD), then he may struggle with impulsive behaviors more than anything else. In some ways, that makes it harder for him to be alienated. He is not in control of himself, much less his mom, if he is at the mercy of his impulses. The hard part is that the conflict and lack of consistency around him probably makes it harder for him to see strong boundaries modeled, which he desperately needs.

My son is ADHD, has sensory processing issues, and was dx'd ODD -- and that kid can read books like a champion. Same with video games. The observations that your son is trying to please/appease his mom are likely going on. It's also possible that two things seemingly opposite can be true -- that he is able to do this one thing well, and wants to please his mom.

He is also exploiting the discord between you and your wife, is my guess. In addition to the Divorce Poison book, Bill Eddy's book Don't Alienate the Kids is essential. If you're still really really angry, this is a tougher book to absorb because it puts a lot of expectations on your shoulders. You have to be on the one parent who models what it's like to have flexible thinking, managed emotions, and moderate behaviors. For me, that meant I had to get over my chronic anxiety and stress, and it was like jumping off a ledge to let those two security blankets go.

It's tough when you have a child who is tracking outside normal behavior. I felt resentful, to be blunt. I felt that my ex created this problem, and one more time I had to clean up the pieces. I also didn't want to watch my ex destroy this amazing kid, and my T, my son's T, my L, everyone kept pointing out how I had to let go, whatever that meant. It was reading Eddy's Don't Alienate the Kids that I felt like there was a guidebook for what I had control over, which is my own reactions. When I react the way I want my son to react, he does better. When the alienation tactics were particularly acute, I relied on Divorce Poison. Those two, plus the Power of Validation were my trinity.

[Mike-X]

Above all else, Divorce Poison stresses consistency, not taking things personally and addressing blatant issues of alienating behavior, diplomatically, but directly with your child.

This book should be in every nons library.  If you don't have a copy, get one.  It helps and if nothing else it makes you aware of what to look for.  As you see in my case, it is still a struggle to keep this disease at bay.

Thanks. I will get a copy this weekend.

[Turkish]

It sounds like your son is emotionally enmeshed with his mother. He's acting like he's still responsible for her feelings even when he's not around her. This is the risk towards children of pwBPD, unfortunately.

From what you say, it sounds like you may be over-sharing with his mom about what happens at your house. She's proven that she isn't going to reciprocate, based upon the neighbor kid hitting incident.