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Author Topic: What is it with rejecting gifts?  (Read 641 times)
sadgma

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« on: April 24, 2015, 02:31:28 PM »

I am just now learning. I have uBPD DIL.  I have seen several people discuss how the BPD person in their life cannot accept gifts or has issues with gifts. What is that about?

I am reading as much as possible, but this one thing has me puzzled at the moment.

Thank you to any replies.
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Mike-X
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Relationship status: living apart
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« Reply #1 on: April 24, 2015, 03:52:25 PM »

Welcome to the boards. Have you had a chance to look over the lessons to the right of this board on "What is Borderline Personality Disorder" and "Understanding BPD Behaviors".

I have often felt awkward accepting gifts, and I believe that it has to do with feeling worthy of the attention and generosity. Maybe?

But I am interested in hearing your thoughts on your DIL.

Thank you for posting.
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sadgma

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« Reply #2 on: April 24, 2015, 04:50:31 PM »

I can tell you that now that I have been reading as much as possible on this website the last few days, I have a completely different opinion of my daughter in law. Now I understand her more and am feeling sorry for her. I have never met someone like her that I know of, but the description of BPD fits her absolutely and the person my son is fits as someone who would be attracted to her. Like a glove.

She states negative outcomes as opposed to positive in most situations.

Most people won't go to their home because they feel like they are walking on eggshells.

She can only have white plastic hangers in the closet and all clothes have to be a certain way.

This all seems to have worsened since they moved several months ago.

Hardly anyone can get along with her.

She has complained to me in detail regarding her mother and her terrible upbringing and I did not know what to say because I cannot say anything negative about her mother. So I just listened.

Most of her extended family is either in prison, homeless, strung out on drugs or they are extremely wealthy. There's no in between.

I have never gotten to know her till I read about her here is how I feel.

I kept asking my son and he would only say, she is complicated.

She has a lot of rules.

I started only giving consumable gifts, food, flowers or money.

My son kept telling me not to say certain things because I upset her. I have never said anything with intent to upset her.

I am going to stop here because my thoughts are collecting. It is strange to put it into words.

Thank you.

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Mike-X
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« Reply #3 on: April 24, 2015, 05:09:01 PM »

I can tell you that now that I have been reading as much as possible on this website the last few days, I have a completely different opinion of my daughter in law. Now I understand her more and am feeling sorry for her. I have never met someone like her that I know of, but the description of BPD fits her absolutely and the person my son is fits as someone who would be attracted to her. Like a glove.

She states negative outcomes as opposed to positive in most situations.

Most people won't go to their home because they feel like they are walking on eggshells.

She can only have white plastic hangers in the closet and all clothes have to be a certain way.

This all seems to have worsened since they moved several months ago.

Hardly anyone can get along with her.

She has complained to me in detail regarding her mother and her terrible upbringing and I did not know what to say because I cannot say anything negative about her mother. So I just listened.

Most of her extended family is either in prison, homeless, strung out on drugs or they are extremely wealthy. There's no in between.

I have never gotten to know her till I read about her here is how I feel.

I kept asking my son and he would only say, she is complicated.

She has a lot of rules.

I started only giving consumable gifts, food, flowers or money.

My son kept telling me not to say certain things because I upset her. I have never said anything with intent to upset her.

I am going to stop here because my thoughts are collecting. It is strange to put it into words.

Thank you.

It seemed that as my family showed more acceptance of my udxGF she would "find" faults in them and what they said or thought of her. One of the times when she apologized was after claiming that my mother didn't like her and I calmly talked with her about all of the positive things that my mother had said about her and had done for her (following SET from the communication techniques).

Do you have any thoughts about how exposure and acceptance into a 'healthy' family (with gifts being a part of that) might be difficult for her because she feels somewhere inside that she is not worthy and/or it might make it hard for her to keep suppressed the wounds from her dysfunctional upbringing?
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sadgma

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« Reply #4 on: April 24, 2015, 05:37:43 PM »

Yes. I absolutely can see that now.

What a terrible way to have to live.
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Mike-X
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« Reply #5 on: April 24, 2015, 06:05:56 PM »

Yes. I absolutely can see that now.

What a terrible way to have to live.

I absolutely agree. I am glad that you have found the site and are studying. There are caring people on these boards who are willing to listen and help.  

I hope that you can have a warm and loving impact on your DILs life (I teared up writing this).

My advice is to be patient... .I know that parent's often want to step in, dust the kids off, hug and kiss them, and make it all better. I certainly wish that a hug and kiss could take away my udxGF pain (this too).

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sadgma

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« Reply #6 on: April 24, 2015, 06:35:20 PM »

This is all new to me. I am expressing it carefully and with caution. I am certain that your mom is just a compassionate as I.

Can you tell me if you turned against your mom?

That is where we are at and it is brutal.

I did not understand.

I do now.

I will do all I can to understand. I will do all I can to be sympathetic.

I will not fight.

I will not be a part of it.

I would be kidding myself right now if I truly thought I could be part of a solution, but I am willing to learn and educate myself.

Knowledge is Power.

I just hope I don't have to sacrifice my son. That is what he asked me to do.

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shatterd
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« Reply #7 on: April 24, 2015, 06:41:58 PM »

idk  about this one  mine was so selfish   she woodnt turn down  a used sanwich bag   horrder  sercurity thing or sumthin
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sadgma

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« Reply #8 on: April 24, 2015, 06:52:10 PM »

Sorry about that for you.

I am just starting to try to learn about all this.

Thanks for replying.
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sadgma

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« Reply #9 on: April 24, 2015, 07:01:36 PM »

I am thinking maybe a campaign for now. Ask everyone who has not been a part of his life lately to call him. It is seriousl
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Mike-X
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Relationship status: living apart
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« Reply #10 on: April 24, 2015, 07:58:47 PM »

This is all new to me. I am expressing it carefully and with caution. I am certain that your mom is just a compassionate as I.

Can you tell me if you turned against your mom?

That is where we are at and it is brutal.

I did not understand.

I do now.

I will do all I can to understand. I will do all I can to be sympathetic.

I will not fight.

I will not be a part of it.

I would be kidding myself right now if I truly thought I could be part of a solution, but I am willing to learn and educate myself.

Knowledge is Power.

I just hope I don't have to sacrifice my son. That is what he asked me to do.

I actually turned to my mom and family once I learned about BPD and felt that it fit. By then the false accusations and raging were daily. I knew not to allow myself to get isolated, so I called my parents to let them know what I had been going through. I told them not to be angry with her or worried about me. I asked for them to feel compassion and pray for her.

My brother had witnessed some of the dysregulation, so I reached out to him too. I was also worried about smear campaigns at work, so I talked with my boss too.
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