gibberish

[rarsweet]

This is hard to explain. When my ex speaks its like he doesn't use nouns, like he will say " daughter really likes maples"," she chews on both sides of it" " we are sugaring up there" " I put a blanket over it" " she gets super delirious", etc. He doesn't ever say what he is actually talking about, I have just got in the habit of smiling and nodding honestly. I notice though that he has been that way at Dr appointments too though. I realize that he has not given any family medical history, I think he isn't even capable of saying " my father has diabetes and high blood pressure, my mom and my aunt had breast cancer, my grandfather had a heart attack, I have asthma and sleep apnea".I notice I am kind of trying to construct what he is saying. He mixes up words like he says hysterical when he means hilarious, he says observative when he means observant, sidekick instead of psychic. I am wondering if I should try to get him to be more clear when I am listening. Like if he walks into the exchange and says " she was up at 3:00, I just... .um... .she was... .I gave... .she really super likes maples" should I nicely say what are you talking about. That was a real sentence I recorded. I listen and shake my head. Is he saying when she woke up early he gave her maple cereal or oatmeal or something, does she like maple trees? One time he said " we got a super cool recording of her standing up... .I um... .she is super observative... ."  Its so frustrating. Once at the courthouse the judge ordered us to just go to the clerks window and verify that they had our correct contact info. I let him go ahead of me. He was stamerring " uh i  need... .you have my address... .um I did it... .I guess we need to... .the judge said... .um the paperwork", eventually I cut in front of him and said " we need to see our addresses on file and make sure they are correct", Ive done it at the drs too, tried to fill in the blanks for him. I think I should just let him flounder,but iI am afraid it will reflect badly on me. The judge even asked him if he was on drugs because he " was out of it, not making sense" as the judge said. Do I just let him blabber, do I ask for clarification? I shudder to imagine us talking to teachers as she gets older.

[Panda39]

Has this been going on for a long time?  Has it become worse?  You might want to get him in for a physical.  Let the doctor know what you've been noticing.  Incoherent speech might be a symptom of something else.

[Mike-X]

I do agree with Panda39 that it might be a symptom of a number of medical problems.

Can you help me to understand why you are thinking that your ex's speech will reflect badly on you?

[rarsweet]

Looking back I realize I missed it for a long time. I met him 3 years ago. At the beginning I really thought he was more sensitive than other men, I guess. I was in a marriage with a forceful, belligerent, narc before him. They are the complete opposites personality wise. So I really ignored the weird behaviors because I thought if he's unlike exh he must be OK. Within our relationship I started to realize that he could not make a decision, not even little things like where to go fishing. That was the first frustration. Then I noticed the more he was around his dad the more bizarre he would get. It was fine if we were just having fun like watching a movie, playing cards, etc. Once we got pregnant his behavior got more pronounced. My boss had told me that he was not understandable, she said he mumbles all the time. He will start speaking, a lot of pauses, his voice will get lower, and he will just stop talking in the middle of a sentence. Its like you are always waiting for him to continue. It got very bad right before our breakup and has just gotten worse since. For a while I thought it was me over thinking it, until other people starting commenting on it.  One day about a month before we broke up we were supposed to go fishing with my mom and brother. We had our 5 week old daughter with us. No joke we ended up riding around for almost 6 hours. He was driving and just wasn't speaking. First we dropped laundry off at his dads, at one point we ended up at a park on top of the mountain, next was a gas station about 5 towns away, back to his dads to switch laundry, then he drove back and passed the gas station town, then we went back to our town to the boat landing and got out of the car and all of a sudden he is back in the car and we were like what are you doing ( we were unloading fishing poles) he said " too many bugs" so we got back in and drove off. Then he drove to the next town and went passed our fishing spot and ended up at an ATV trail. Seriously the whole time we were just freaked out, trying to make small talk between ourselves. At one point we pulled over so Icould nurse ddaughter. We ended up back at his dads to grab the laundry. After we left he started yelling at me that I always fight with his dad, told me to get the ___ out of the car( moving car), ended up at my moms to drop her and my brother off and I got out with daughter. Ended up on her front porch while he ranted and paced for about an hour in front of the neighbors. Ended with him literally crying on th e porch. It was the most bizarre day of my life. A lot of times we would leave to go to Walmart or something and he would just keep driving passed it. I would be like hey where you going. Well he would rant that I should have said something sooner. So I stopped saying anything, we would end up in the next town. Looking back I remember the first time I noticed this. About a year into our relationship I took my older children to swim class on Saturdays. My ex worked then. He had half days on Saturday so when he got out of work he would meet us at swim class and drive us home. One day I was waiting and waiting, texted him to see if he got stuck at work, no answer. Finally the kids and I just walked home. There he was at home! I asked why he didn't come to swim class and he looked at me like he didn't know what I was talking about, and changed the subject like nothing was wrong. Next week he came to class like usual. Anytime I would point out these behaviors he would tell me I was paranoid because of my experience with my exh. He would say get up in the morning and say something like " I wanna get a movie from red box today", we would do normal stuff, eat, do dishes, vaccum, whatever, he would take a shower, get dressed, throw on his jacket, and I would ask what he was doing, and he would be like" what's wrong with you, don't you listen, we're going to get a movie". One time I hadn't even showered, was on the couch in pajamas nursing daughter, and he literally came out if the bathroom from his shower and started packing her diaper bag and picked up daughter away from me, put her in her car seat. I sat there and my mouth dropped open. I said what are you doing. He said he thought we were going to Walmart. I said I'm not even dressed. So he got pissed and took daughter back out of the car seat. We broke up very soon after. It just jeeps getting worse.

[rarsweet]

He would say things that were a contradiction like we were looking for a house and I wrote out pros and cons of the places we looked at. He said this was me being impulsive. One time we were having an argument and I started to walk to the bathroom to calm down and he flew up from the couch waving his arms. " all you mothereffers are dream killers, you don't know anything about me, I told you all before... .etc" he started yelling. It was so weird I turned around and said" who else is here, who are you talking to?" He would watch the same movie over and over for days at a time. If he was 40 minutes into a movie and got a call he would start the movie from the beginning after the call. If he fell asleep 10 minutes from the end he would wake up and start from the beginning. Drove me crazy. He had never seen the harry potter movies, I love them. I hadn't seen the last one and his dad gave us the whole set of the movies. I told ex I wanted to see the last one so bad but I wanted to wait and watch it with him. So of course he starts at the first movie. I was trying to watch them with him but it was taking like 4 days each movies. I think it was on the 4th or 5th movie I got up to do something else, and stopped trying to watch with him. One day a couple weeks later I got out of work and noticed to big movie case was gone. I asked him where it was. He said he got through all the movies and gave the set back to his dad. I never even got to see the last one!  I just shake my head now looking back, but I am dreading the next 17 years coparenting with this.

[rarsweet]

When we first split up I asked him to do a journal with me. Foods daughter ate, her sleep schedule, etc, and pass it back and forth. At first he refused. Then he wrote in it for about a month. I noticed that he had written down a 36 hour day. He wrote 11/19/2014" picked up at 9am, nap 10:30-1, 5pm 6pm bowel@6:45, bed at 8:30pm-2am, 2:15-6:30am awake, bowel@7:30am, nap 9:00am-10,11:30am-12:45pm, bowel@1:15pm, nap@5pm-6:45, bowel@7pm, bed@ 9:30pm. Next entry is for 11/20/2014... .awake 5 am.( another word mix up, he says bowel for poop) and that whole day doesn't make sense. I kept that journal and started another one, ever since he refuses to write in it.

[livednlearned]

rarsweet, it's possible that he is disassociating or has some other comorbid issues. Have you had a chance to read any of the books about BPD recommended on the site? The Staying board also has a good collection of threads with members sharing experiences about the behaviors and traits.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913187#msg913187

It helps to get your head around the extent of the mental illness because otherwise you're trying to rationalize with someone who doesn't (and can't) think that way, not without intensive treatment, a lot of time, and a will to get better.

How your ex conducts himself does not reflect on you. When you talk to teachers or doctors about your D, imagine that you and the professionals are adults. Your ex is not -- and everyone in the room knows that. Or, you can also parallel parent and request that your ex seeks information on his own. You are not his wife nor his mother, he's just as able to pick up the phone and call as you are.

This might be the point of pain for where you are in your process. Letting go of the fantasy that he will participate in parenting your child like an adult. He can't, he won't, even though he will make a lot of noise about being involved.

The Leaving board has a lot of senior members who help members with the detachment process. It really is a grieving process.