improving intimacy

[Depression = 72% of members]

Because of my bp's behaviors, it is very hard to feel emotionally close. This of course has a knock on effect with physical intimacy. We have not had sex for over 2 years, but we can be very affectionate and say loving things to each other. I think I have a problem with inner anger and resentment I am feeling, over many years of abuse and lack of empathy on his part. But we are now in a different place, since I have had learned about the condition and have been setting boundaries.

I'm not sure how to move the intimacy forward. Any ideas please?

[moreaware]

Because of my bp's behaviors, it is very hard to feel emotionally close. This of course has a knock on effect with physical intimacy. We have not had sex for over 2 years, but we can be very affectionate and say loving things to each other. I think I have a problem with inner anger and resentment I am feeling, over many years of abuse and lack of empathy on his part. But we are now in a different place, since I have had learned about the condition and have been setting boundaries.

I'm not sure how to move the intimacy forward. Any ideas please?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mike-X]

Welcome to the boards, and thank you for posting this.

Can you help me to understand where you might be feeling stuck or feeling like there are impediments? I am thinking that  being affectionate and saying loving things can be very intimate. I have to feel very close to someone to cuddle, be affectionate, and say loving things.

[Crumbling]

I'm not sure how.  I'm look for the same answers you are. 

My BPDh and I have gone from great sex, to no sex, to really crappy sex, to sometimes okay sex and now we're back to practically no sex.  We've been together over ten years.     My only advice, wait awhile, it'll change.   

I've attempted to set boundaries around our sex life and it really made things difficult, overall.  It's really tough.  We've now moved into a focus of Radical Acceptance (RA) of our situation, rather than specific boundary setting, and I'm not really sure how things will move forward at this point.  My H doesn't have one iota of self acceptance when it comes to the subject of sex... .so... .

I guess time will tell.

Could it be that as you work through your inner anger and resentment that you may find approaching the topic easier?  In what way would you like to see your r/s move forward?  Having a stated goal, and knowing where you want to get is sometimes a good place to start, I find.

Blessings,

C.

[formflier]

I'm not sure how to move the intimacy forward. Any ideas please?

 

I hope we can get you pointed in the right direction.

I think we need a few more details.  Are you asking for sex and your partner is saying no... .?

It sounds like you are having some nice moments... .so I'm trying to imagine what is going on as those moments get to the point where they can go towards physical intimacy... .or saying that was nice... .and going your separate ways.

Thank you for asking and sharing these private things... .I think we can help you... .and I hope you story can help others as well.

FF

[moreaware]

Thanks to all who replied to my request for advice relating to improving intimacy. I now realise that I am holding on to a lot of anger, which needs addressing. Some more therapy on this I think is the first step. Its difficult letting someone in when you are full of resentment over their past behaviours. Especially when they do not take responsibility for them and even deny they ever happened. I keep having to remind myself that  my partner has an illness that he has not chosen.

moreaware.

[Crumbling]

I feel anger and resentment a lot too especially lately.  We have come to a point where the other day I had to say "In this moment, I really honestly truly hate you, so you just need to stop talking right now because the more you talk the more I hate you." He has been dysregulated for days, and the longer it goes on, the harder it gets.  I could no more have sex with him right now than I could skin a rabbit!

... .I said I hated him after I had already asked him to stop harping at me several times nicely. I even told him that I felt like I was being bullied.  He still couldn't see it, nor would he acknowledge that he was being pushy, loud, and forceful, and really angry.  

Telling him I was hating him actually worked, for a little while, for a few minutes anyway, he stopped talking.  ... .I think he has no choice but to face the fact that his behaviours spark awful emotions in me, too, just like his fears spark the awful emotions in him... . It's such a struggle, dealing with the outbursts and judgements and lack of emotional maturity, I'm not sure how someone could get thru it all and not feel anger and restment.

I have been attempting to radically accept our r/s and who he is for what it is.  Some days it's easier to do than others.   Somedays, it's impossible.

But working on this acceptance means it's important that I go back to being the kind gentle loving wife I typically am and not hold him responsible for my actions or emotions... .just like he cant hold me responsible for his.

Blessings, c.