Took A Girl For Granted Because Fear Of Abandonment

[jcl76]

Hi there. I am new here and needed to talk about my current experience looking for guidance and clarification of what just took place.

I met a girl a year ago, and we were romantic at first then became friends although she wanted more. After a little I started to come around but I wasn’t real romantic, or gave her what she needed. She still talked about mainly kinda jokingly that she wanted a relationship. Mind you, this girl knew about my disorder, my medication, my bad credit, tax issues, and still said she accepts me. Why we totally connected was mainly for that and she had her issues as well, and we got each other. She had two children which the one teenage boy didn’t have a relationship with his father because of childhood abuse so he had his issues as well and has never trusted another man. Well we became close too, and she loved that. Another reason was our sense of humor together and how fun they were just always made for a good time, and walking in her door just made all stresses life out on you, simply vanish instantly.

Well, my problem is what I had with her was great! It was safe! Basically I had my cake and ate it too. She kinda flirted with dating and talked to a guy because we were physical again then stopped because she said I am the only one she wants, and insisted she wanted a relationship. I travel for work for periods of time and had to leave town. Jokingly she made a comment about him as I was on the road that upset me. We talked and she said she was sorry I have stated many times I didn’t want anything so why could I be jealous of it. When I was out of town I was jealous, bitter, standoffish to her. I told her I didn’t want to talk about a relationship anymore, and she said she was moving on (mind you we were totally like best friends and couldn’t understand how she could do that to me). She went on match.com and said she was done. I then did a total 180! She said it was too late. I got drunk, called her and was really emotional which she has never experienced. We went back and forth like this for a week. She would say lets talk when I got back and I would say no I am done. Basically did the whole push and pull thing.

Now once I realized that she was mentally moved on, I THEN realized what I had done. I THEN realized how much I liked her and knew I just took it all for granted. I had major anxiety attacks, and tried to talk to her and she was caring but still insisted she couldn’t do this. Finally I said I am coming home. We planned on talking about it, and when I got back on my birthday they had me a cake, food, and gifts. We had a great two days, and I felt it. I took my guard down, brought her flowers and kissed which I never did. She was kinda cold to it and said she was just processing this 180 I had just done after months of here wanting more. Well she then stated she wanted to take it slow but still went on a date with another guy. I then told her I am finally done because of that which it felt unsafe.

My problem that I am facing now is that I took a great girl for granted that accepted me and didn’t judge me. Its tough knowing that she saw that side of me and I am sure which is why she realized that its best to walk away. Now I am totally in the bitter, regrets faze and its hard to accept it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bassoutcast]

Hi, welcome aboard !

So sorry to hear you are going through this. it's natural to feel that way 

Can you clarify if she has BPD? was she diagnosed? You mentioned you have "issues" as well, is BPD one of them?

[jcl76]

Hi, welcome aboard !

So sorry to hear you are going through this. it's natural to feel that way 

Can you clarify if she has BPD? was she diagnosed? You mentioned you have "issues" as well, is BPD one of them?

Sorry, I realized I didn't clarify that. I have BPD. She does not. Her issues are from a bad marriage and a long bought with cancer which it's been 4 years.

Overall she is a strong women, but now that I think of I'm not clear of her issues. She powers thru her problems and doesn't show it.

[jcl76]

Well I have told her now that I cant be even friends. The last few days have been texting and our jovial selves then I want to share my feelings about us and messing up. She was very understanding but made no plans to see me, although I am leaving town next week.

Yesterday she said that there is to much feelings involved and now is not a good time to think about but know "we love you". That made me feel great for a little while then feelings got in the way again. I have kept showing this side of me with push and pull, that I cant tell she is getting drained by it (despite her being understanding), and I told her that I cant offer any value of stability to her life right now and I will only get in the way of her finding someone and being happy and I dont want to be around when it happnens. I have to move on to find my happiness and having her in my life with keep me from that.

One thing I hate what I said, is that if she ever had a change of heart then I would take her back anytime (sounds pathetic). I effing HATE BPD! I know if I had a level head and control over my emotions I wouldnt have screwed it up as bad and pushed her further and further each time, and not she has seen this side of me. I am 39, no kids, and never been married. Knowing what she knows and have seen I love even more for being so understanding and awesome to me. Being who I am I feel like I will never find someone like her which is what I need. I am slowing giving up hope which has grown to almost nothing over the years and only has gotten worse.

[cloudten]

Well I have told her now that I cant be even friends. The last few days have been texting and our jovial selves then I want to share my feelings about us and messing up. She was very understanding but made no plans to see me, although I am leaving town next week.

Yesterday she said that there is to much feelings involved and now is not a good time to think about but know "we love you". That made me feel great for a little while then feelings got in the way again. I have kept showing this side of me with push and pull, that I cant tell she is getting drained by it (despite her being understanding), and I told her that I cant offer any value of stability to her life right now and I will only get in the way of her finding someone and being happy and I dont want to be around when it happnens. I have to move on to find my happiness and having her in my life with keep me from that.

One thing I hate what I said, is that if she ever had a change of heart then I would take her back anytime (sounds pathetic). I effing HATE BPD! I know if I had a level head and control over my emotions I wouldnt have screwed it up as bad and pushed her further and further each time, and not she has seen this side of me. I am 39, no kids, and never been married. Knowing what she knows and have seen I love even more for being so understanding and awesome to me. Being who I am I feel like I will never find someone like her which is what I need. I am slowing giving up hope which has grown to almost nothing over the years and only has gotten worse.

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I am sure it must be very frustrating for you. I am sorry for your struggles.  One of the most important things you can do is take care of yourself.

This is sort of hard for me to reply because I am (or was) in a relationship with a person with BPD.  When you are showing her the push/pull side of you and that she is getting drained... .I can tell you for fact she is getting drained.  It is a yo-yo. She never knows if you are in or out.  It is very emotionally draining to never know what the person with BPD is going to do next.

I feel like one of the most important things you can do is say what you mean, or mean what you say.

My last piece of advice is this. Unhealthy people attract unhealthy people.  Healthy people attract healthy people. For sure, we should all strive to be as mentally healthy as possible.  When you are zen with yourself in your own head, you will attract the most perfect and beautiful woman for you, who will be able to help complete you. But first, you have to be whole and complete and healthy yourself.  I am sure you are an amazing person. Take care of yourself.

[jcl76]

 "When you are showing her the push/pull side of you and that she is getting drained... .I can tell you for fact she is getting drained.  It is a yo-yo. She never knows if you are in or out.  It is very emotionally draining to never know what the person with BPD is going to do next. "

She said those exact words, and I have totally done that. Its the whole fear and run, then change my mind. She said that she understands and accepts me, loves hearing from me but wants to be friends. Its hard not feeling that feeling though, and its classic BPD. I do feel good at least know that I am aware of it that is half the battle.

[OffRoad]

I'm glad you are here, jcl76. You are right, knowing what you are working with is half the battle. Do you have anyone to help you with your struggles?

How do you think you could have handled this situation better? There are many people out there, and should you find you and this girl could be friends or find another person who understands you, wouldn't it be nice to find a different way to interact where you might not get so fearful? Do you have any ideas for yourself?

[jcl76]

Thank you. I really dont have to many if anyone to lean on. I was in therapy and DBT, but had to quit because I am always traveling. I have been reading a lot on why I act the way I do and practicing with DBT on my own.

My struggle now is being conflicted to say or go again. We went out last night and agreed we just need to enjoy each other and had a great time (fact). She gave me a small kiss on the lips and a really long hug, and said "just give me time"/. I did tell her that I didnt want to focus on us and focus on my, and that I did write her an email explaining the clarity I had, which outlined my behavior was consistant with the characteristics on BPD. She knows and understands. She and her children all have issues, and meds, etc, but are very awesome people.

I want to have healthy boundaries up, and as much as I try it still bothers me that she is on Match.com. That makes me want to push away again, but I want to prove I can handle myself and not follow the pattern that has gotten in this place. Do I stay or go, and can I focus on me with her in the picture.

[ColdEthyl]

Hello, jcl76! It's nice to see a person who is afflicted with BPD posting here

What I suggest to you is yes... .I know it bothers you that she's on match.com. I would hurt me, too. But for now... .you are not in a romantic relationship. Stay friends... .have a good time with her, focus on yourself. In time, you might find she's open to the idea. She might just need some time right now to process everything, too.

[jcl76]

Well it go the best of me now. We just text about hanging out this weekend she was alloof. I know her weekends are her free, and I had a hunch she is using it for someone else. I ask her I need openess and wanted to know if she is dating someone, and she said she has been on dates with one guy and not sure where its going.

Its not fair and I felt she wanted to "take time" with us, but she cant if she is with someone else. I told her that I need to set up a healthy boundry and not talk until she knows what she wants. Being friends this soon is just not viable and It would crush me if we were friends and she became serious with a guy. It actually makes me sad and mad she would not respect that as I have mentioned before but I am loosing respect for her that she would do that, and think its ok to do that at the same time when I have put everything on hold to give it the focus and time to try to work things out, out of respect. I never would want to do anything that would upset the other, and if the tables were turned I wouldnt do it. She is a good girl, but it just hurts and I dont want to see her as selfish but it does seem that way.

[EaglesJuju]

Its not fair and I felt she wanted to "take time" with us, but she cant if she is with someone else. I told her that I need to set up a healthy boundry and not talk until she knows what she wants.

What did she say after you set the boundary?

[OffRoad]

It's hard when someone you like is going out with other people. Dates are not boyfriend/girlfriend, though. They are simply dates to see if you like someone else and they like you. Her going on dates doesn't mean she has ruled you out as a romantic relationship. It means she is finding out who she likes and gets along with and who she doesn't.  

But you must remember she isn't required to put her life on hold while you work on DBT and focus on you. If you can recall, you did tell her you want to do that. She is not selfish for looking out for herself and her kids, even if it seems that way to you. She is realistic about her life. She is in control of her own life. What you CAN do is become the best YOU you can be. It is very attractive to other people when you feel good about yourself, and it's good for you, too.

Only you can decide if you can focus on you with her in the picture. If what she does is going to make you push/pull, that won't be good for either of you, but it would be a shame to lose a good friend because of it.

[cloudten]

I can see you're hurt by the match.com stuff... .I am and have been hurt too when my (BPD) boyfriend has done it to me.

If you are going to be "just friends", then you have to accept that she will be looking for another romantic relationship-- without jealousy.

In my experience with my bf, we have tried this, and it is impossible. There is too much jealousy going both ways. We didn't do well with "gray area"... .at all. I think his black/white thinking may have something to do with it- but in general "just friends" has not worked.  This man is my best friend in the entire world! And we cannot be "just friends".  Since we went "all-in", everything is much better. There's no gray area. We each continue to be in therapy, and we are each working on our own issues (mine is OCD). But we have decided to work together.  I'm just sharing what has seemed to work for us. We still argue all the time.

Maybe your relationship is different- but this has been my experience. Emotions are too high. Romantic feelings have been too strong. It may be possible that you are not capable of being "just friends".  There is nothing wrong with taking time off from contacting each other. Around here we call it "No Contact" (NC). It would give you each time to think things over and work on yourself.  Maybe in time you can be together... .but I don't recommend a gray area.  Decide together what is appropriate and what isn't.