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Author Topic: I'm having mixed feelings about co-parenting counseling  (Read 393 times)
m-and-m

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: May 01, 2015, 09:48:10 AM »

The custody is finally taken care of... .it started fine, then she changed her mind, then she agreed to just keep the shared custody... .what a whirl pool.

So part of the agreement is... .I have to go to co-parenting counseling with her. Here are the issues i am having, perhaps someone can relate... .

I have been co-parenting with my ex-wife for years, and well i might add. (i have 3 children, 2 with my ex-wife and 1 with ex-fiance)

My children have always been the biggest part and influence on how i live my life. They are my priority... .have been since i first became a father. The whole reason i ended the relationship with my ex-fiance is because it was affecting my children. She would hit me, push me, slander me, and scream at me... .and i would see my kids covering their ears, crying and running to hide in their rooms. After seeing that so many times and begging her to stop, i had enough.

So my issue is that, not only did she make me out to be a bad parent and convince her lawyer i cant co-parent... .but has convinced my daughter that i was mean to her and thats why mom lives in an apartment (i say this based upon what my daughter has said... .she is 4)... .She has physically tried to rip my daughter out of my arms, screaming how i cant take her and she was going to call the cops... .all while im holding our daughter and she is crying.

So... .i dont really have alot of respect for my ex, and yes, i dont talk to her all the time, i dont laugh and smile with her. I share important info regarding our daughter, I dont bad mouth her, and thats it.

I am not a fan of my ex... .I understand that and own it. She had done and said very hurtful things to me... .and in order to get passed all of it, i went to a T for about 9 months now, we split up a year ago... .the first 3 months i tried to get her to go to counseling with me... .but she had a replacement in a few days... .but he was an orbiter from facebook. So i do keep a guard up as to not get pulled in or hurt again.

has anyone had to do this? and how did you feel about it?
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livednlearned
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Gender: Female
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #1 on: May 01, 2015, 10:37:44 AM »

Coparenting counseling does not seem to be terribly effective when one person has undiagnosed, untreated BPD. Similar to marriage counseling. Your ex has too many defense mechanisms to thwart the therapeutic benefits of counseling, and now that the relationship is over, and you are split black, she may feel (in her mind) that you are a threat.

That does not mean all is lost. You may learn some skills from the therapist (if he or she is good) that can help you minimize conflict. Maybe not avoid it, but minimize it. My sense of people going through this on the board is that the people who get something out of coparenting counseling are those who have resolved their anger or fear -- that's a tall order. Failing that, it's people who have fully detached who seem to do ok. It takes a minor heroic effort to get to the point where you don't allow your ex to jack up your feelings and jangle your nerves every time you interact. It takes time, and knowledge, and practice, to get there.

It sounds like your ex has begun parental alienation with your D4. You may want to bring that to the forefront so you have a therapist who is documenting the behavior. Courts tend to believe third-party professionals more than the parent, so this may be the beginning of getting your case documented. A lot of coparenting counselors are forensic therapists, trained to deal with high-conflict couples, and a bunch of their business is about testifying in court. You may want to find out if that's the case with the counselor assigned to your case.

Before you go, read Bill Eddy's ":)on't Alienate the Kids" which is about raising emotionally resilient kids. The more information you have about how to help your daughter, the more the counselor will see you understand the program. We also have some really good information in Lesson 5 to the right ----------> about raising emotionally resilient kids.

Coparenting counseling was a bust for me. Later in our case, we were assigned a parenting coordinator. In my state, PCs are sworn in by judges, and I had to sign a PC order that was a legal document giving her extension of judicial duties. Three quarters of the way through her contract, she wanted out, and we had a hearing for that. In that hearing, she described me "LnL is consistent, stable, fair, accommodating, flexible, and despite serious provocation from N/BPDx, she did not once retaliate. She did not come running to me to resolve minor issues, and has problem-solving capabilities that were on par with what I would recommend in the high-conflict situations that N/BPDx created."

It did not occur to me until that hearing that my behavior was going to be discussed in court. I'm relieved that I handled myself in a way she was able to support, because her testimony was what led to me getting full custody.

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Breathe.
m-and-m

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Posts: 37


« Reply #2 on: May 01, 2015, 12:34:27 PM »

My sense of people going through this on the board is that the people who get something out of coparenting counseling are those who have resolved their anger or fear -- that's a tall order. Failing that, it's people who have fully detached who seem to do ok. It takes a minor heroic effort to get to the point where you don't allow your ex to jack up your feelings and jangle your nerves every time you interact. It takes time, and knowledge, and practice, to get there.

I have been seeing a T for 9 or 10 months now... .and ive been feeling much better and have come to an understanding of the relationship and its issues... .However, im not sure im not angry with her... ., I say this, because i choose not to talk her all the time, and she seems to get irritated by it, and sometimes she will say things like "i know you hate me, but... ." and its not that i hate her. Its more of a ( i let you burn me for years, and then really hurt and confuse me... .i feel bitten... .scarred... .and im not going to allow the snake to bite me again.) So I dont really care to hear about her life, or anything for that matter... .other than my daughter and any issues she may have had.

i guess im just not a fan of her complaining about not seeing her daughter all the time and how im raising her (which i have kept doing the same thing we have always done) when I expressed to her for 3 months that its a good idea to seek counseling because we had a lot at stake! only to be told that "Those text book F'ing Idiots dont know anything about my life." and then the constant lying and trying to keep me on a hook... .its just demeaning and wrong.

So am i wrong, or a mean or bad person for this? i dont feel i am.
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momtara
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #3 on: May 02, 2015, 08:06:23 PM »

Depends on if you get someone sharp or not. Also, is this a parent coordinator? In some states they can make binding decisions if you allow it. So it all depends if you get someone good and what you want out of it - that person could be subpoenaed in court if it came to it. Or that person, if not sharp, could end up believing everything your ex says. If you can get a forensic psychologist it might be good, or someone with BPD awareness. Then see if each of you can meet with her alone before meeting together.
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bravhart1
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
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« Reply #4 on: May 02, 2015, 09:00:49 PM »

When my DH did this we looked at is as getting a third party to witness that we were trying to co parent and how difficult it was to co parent with a high conflict seeking BPD. They defiantly helped when we went to court.
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