Confused about Relationship Dynamics

[hopeful-healing]

   My husband and I have had a rough year.  Last summer we separated because of issues, arguments over things said or done, he seemed angry all the time and would disappear, me feeling slighted by his family. The final blow was how he treated me and reprimanded me while on vacation with his family, I left. It was my understanding that we were taking a break and would go to therapy to work on problems.  While we were separated I blamed myself for the problems and worked on "getting better".  The therapist suggested that I had characteristics of BPD.  However during the time that my husband and I were apart I discovered that he had a secret life.  Even though he told me we were working on problems he went on trips to Las Vegas, taking at least one woman with him and rented another house, moving in another woman to live with him.  I found this out by hiring a private investigator.  Also the last time I saw him for a "date night" he said he wanted a divorce and he had no contact with me.  I was crushed but after finding out the things I did I filed for divorce and headed in the direction of starting over. 

   After a week or so of his bombshell statement he called me and said he wanted to work things out. I wanted this too and so we met.  He did not know I had found out the things that I had and when confronted it took several times for him to admit to me the things he was doing. I do not believe that he has given me the total truth, however, I want to work on our relationship due to my past history.  I know I lived with a BPD parent and was or felt like the scapegoat.  I have been married more than once and this pattern follows me.  I know I have a fear of abandonment and feel slighted at times.  As much as I try it feels as if I am on a merry go round and at times feel that I am oversensitive.  However, this pattern happens over and over and then I think "ok this is not my imagination."

   One of our problems during our marriage is there are issues with his family.  At times I feel they make rude comments, opinionated, bossy toward me, and if called out, all of a sudden I am the one with the problem.  I do not think these are imagined by me because it continues to happen and this is the part where I guess I have BPD traits. I am still having sleepless nights reliving and comprehending how or why he had those secrets.  Also there are the issues still about his family, there was a situation the other night when my son had a graduation and my husband insisted that my stepson would take pictures.  I am proud of my son and so emotional over it that I did not notice until the next day that there were no pictures taken with me and my son together. 

   Once again the family dynamics are an issue I feel insignificant.  I do not know what to do how this will ever get better. Am I the one with the issues or is it my husband? Things are so cloudy.

 

 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cumulus]

Hi hopeful, love your name, hope is where my healing began. It sounds like you are in a really difficult spot in life right now trying to figure out your best course of action. When I hired an investigator and found out that my XH was also leading a second life I felt like the titanic hitting the iceberg. It ground me to a complete stop and although I felt like I knew some of his lies, the tip of the iceberg, there was much more that I was unable to see. I started on a purposeful and intent mission to find everything out. That lasted for months before I realized the harm I was doing to myself. I don't know if that will be the same for you but that was the way it was for me and until I gave up the fact finding mission I didnt work on myself. You have control of yourself and your decisions. Remind yourself that your wants and needs are important. There are some excellent suggestions for books on this site. One I found pertinent was Personal Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.

I am really sorry you didn't get a picture of you and your son together. That was wrong, do you think it was an innocent over sight or intentional? I wish you well, Cumulus.

[hopeful-healing]

Cumulus,

Thank you for the support.  I am going to look into reading the book you suggested.  When I discuss this with my husband he says that the picture incident is all in my head. But the oversights happen often so again are they innocent or intentional. I do not know. Everything is always so confusing, hazy with him. So am I the BPD person or is he? I am sorry that you listed your husband as an XH and guessing that you choose to move forward without him.  I really wanted us to make it but it just seems as if he will never see the pain all of this has caused along with current repeated behaviors. I don't really want to start over but feel there is no option.

[Cumulus]

Hi again hopeful. Yes, I did divorce my husband, it turned out that it was the right course of action for me. Could I have made it work knowing what I know now? I don't know but it is done. You will find many people on these boards who have remained with their partner and are making their relationship work. I can only guess that they make it work by having an understanding of their partners disabilities, knowing techniques to improve communication and by having a strong commitment and support systems. Only you will know what the right answer is for you. Stay hopeful. 

[lbjnltx]

Hello hopeful-healing,

We are glad that you are here looking for answers and trying to figure things out for yourself and your relationship with your husband and his family. 

It seems that you are asking if your husband may also have some traits of BPD.  Have you looked at the criteria for the disorder?  Do you see your husband's behaviors over time meeting most of the criteria.  Here is a brief information piece to help you work through this question:

Symptoms of BPD

If  you believe that your husband is suffering from the disorder or traits of the disorder we have several relationship boards that you can get information and support on.  If you would like to work on your relationship with or affects from your parent(s) who suffer with BPD we also have a specific board to help you do that.

Let us know which direction you would like to go in and we will provide you the support you need.

lbjnltx

[despr8]

cumulus, you are right ! my wife and I are trying to work things out but her BPD makes it very difficult ... .however their are good days that are really nice and hopeful... .I have been through one divorce and pray I don't go through another one... .if my situation turns for the worst I'm sure I wont have any choice but to try to separate myself from the madness... .I have enjoyed chatting with all these wonderful people going through the same issues as I have... .it brings hope and comfort knowing your not alone out in the twilight zone which is how it feels sometimes... .I defined my situation as a tornado... .you never know its coming and when you do know all you can do is brace yourself and hope for the best and wait until its over then you have to pick up the pieces after it pasts... .that's life with my BPD wife... .good to read your post... .despr8

[vortex of confusion]

Hi Hopeful!

When I found this site, I felt a lot like you. I thought that I was the one with the problem. I just knew that I had to be the one because so many of the things that I had try to point out or bring up were dismissed. I would bring things up with my husband and he would look at me like I was crazy.

My husband is a sex addict. When I read the stuff about your husband having other women on the side, it made me think of that. There were so many times over the years that my gut would tell me something wasn't right. I would try to bring it up only to be dismissed, which led me to thinking that I was bat crap crazy. When I got more information, I realized, "Hey, maybe I am not crazy after all. My husband really was being a lying jerk but was trying to project all of that back onto me."

I also have a family full of mental health issues and my husband's family puts on such an air of being normal and wonderful, blah, blah, blah. It was rather easy for them to make me look and feel crazy. That isn't to say that I don't have issues. I do. The problem was that I was willing to admit my quirks/issues but he wasn't.

You might start reading through some of the lessons on the right side of the forum. There is some really great stuff there. It might help you get a better grip on things.

[Notwendy]

Hi hopeful,

From reading your post, you seem insightful, self aware and are not projecting all the blame on your husband. You are questioning yourself as well as being upset about your relationship. IMHO, and I am not a therapist, these are not typical characteristics of people with BPD.

I too was raised by a mother with BPD.  I recognized that I had learned some of her traits. I think it would not be possible to grow up in that situation and not develop behaviors that may have worked for us as kids, to deal with her, but would be maladaptive in other relationships.

I have issues in my marriage ,but that was not the only thing that motivated me to do individual therapy, Co-dependency 12 step groups and ACOA groups. It was because I knew that I was raised in a dysfunctional family and by working on me, my other relationships would hopefully improve.

Your husband isn't exactly an innocent bystander in this marriage. However, it isn't effective to try to change him. On the other hand, individual therapy could help you regardless of what happens in your marriage. This isn't because I think you have BPD. It is because I found it beneficial to work on myself considering how I was raised.

[formflier]

The problem was that I was willing to admit my quirks/issues but he wasn't.

Hopeful-healing,

Keep up the insight and looking at yourself.  Hopefully your partner will follow you leadership on this.

Either way... .you will be emotionally healthier.

FF