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Author Topic: will borderlines actually carry out their threats?  (Read 416 times)
Chrisbazsky77

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: May 01, 2015, 02:34:18 PM »

My husband of 4 years and I are currently seperated.I asked him to leave because his last rage episode was so intense and I had enough.asked his dad to keep him till he went to hospital(doc ordered an EEG) in a weeks time. His family have known that he has had issues(I found documents relating to a very troubled childhood). They keep telling him he's fine but smashing things, fisting walls and tearingshirts in rage is not normal behaviour. His mother(who has never truly been a healthy example in his life) has also caused some trouble for me and him(she spoke to my husbands boss and said that she will handle her son and she also has accused me of "abusing" her son.I resent her so much right now because she is using this to manipulate him and is also hindering his first step to some sort of answer for his behaviour. He keeps messaging me saying hurtful things like, he is going to sleep with someone soon as he has urges, he talks about killing himself and he blames me for almost all of his emotional stresses right now. He also hates me one day then says normal stuff the next.I'm wondering if he has the potential to actually carry out his threats? I just don't know what to do, how to "handle" him right now-do I have no contact(I find that difficult) because I do truly care for his wellbeing) or do I respond lovingly?
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Crumbling
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« Reply #1 on: May 01, 2015, 08:38:25 PM »

  

Hi Chrisbazsky,

Has your husband carried out threats before?  Past behaviours often reflect what you will see in someone today.  Are you okay?  Sounds like you've been through so much.     Do you have support of your own?  I'm glad you've found us.  Message boards like this one can be a great source of support.

If what he is messaging you is hurtful, do you really want to have contact with him?  At this point, what does this separation mean to you?  Is it temporary, or indefinite?  Perhaps looking at what is right for you may help guide you to answers.     My gut wants to tell you to run for the hills, but that's not really advice, just my motherly instinct, I think.    Living with someone who has violent tendencies can be really hard, I know, I've been there too. 

I wish I had more answers for you.   Sometimes the only thing we can do is not make things worse.  On the Staying Board, there's a link at the right called "Before we can make things better... ." along the right of the page.  It's where I started and where I still go to make sure I'm not contributing to his explosive behaviours.  There is also a link called Safety First.  It's also really good reading to find out what you can do to keep yourself safe.


Crumbsy
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Chrisbazsky77

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Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #2 on: May 02, 2015, 12:04:36 PM »

Dear Crumsby

Thanks for the response! It feels great knowing that I wasn't losing my mind and that I'm not the only one out there who has had to endure this awful pain. In answering your questions, he has mentioned he has tried but was unsuccessful.my gut says he's lying and just wants me to say "come back home". The crazy thing is I would give anything for him to come back home. This is why: he is a wonderful, caring person deep down, but had such an awful life and is clueless about how to express what he is really feeling. Frankly we have had more good times that bad and that's what's keeping me from totally letting go. If he doesn't get the help he so needs, I know I'm wasting my time.I refuse to support someone who doesn't want to help themselves too. In answer to your other question about the contact... .no I don't want to be hurt by his words, so I don't react anymore.I'm VERY afraid that if I cut comms with him, that he might carry out his threats (remember his family have never been there and he was always tossed around) now he feels like I'm just the same, like everyone else. Its very very painful for me right now. I read other stories and hope and pray every day that he gets help,no matter if we get together again or not. This is how much I love him. I don't care if he never comes back-im just so worried about his life, I just want him to finally know what causes his behaviours and I want him to be happy. I know in time, I will bounce back from this pit feeling I feel each day because I have wonderful family, friends and neighbours who are very supportive... .he has toxic people around him and I can't help feeling guilty that I've sent him away and placed him in that situation where he won't bother getting the help.
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an0ught
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« Reply #3 on: May 02, 2015, 04:57:13 PM »

Hi  Chrisbazsky77,

sounds like a lot of drama ongoing  .

Excerpt
asked his dad to keep him till he went to hospital(doc ordered an EEG) in a weeks time.

Having heart issues is scary and pwBPD are not very good in dealing with their anxiety.

Are there any kids involved?
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Chrisbazsky77

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Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #4 on: May 03, 2015, 08:39:56 AM »

Hi,

Yes lots of drama... .no kids, thank heavens! I don't know how others get through this kind of thing with little lives involved! I take my hat off to them for their strength! I have thought about this and there are days when it seems better for me to cut my losses and carry on with life, I have no other major ties to him and I wonder if he does go for treatment, would he stop suddenly and then I'd look back and think that I had the chance now... .however bright I am in other ways, I feel undecided and completely stupid because my love for him and the "good times" cloud my mind. Getting through the days in zombie mode... .I genuinely am concerned for him, it would be very sad if he loses hope, when there is so much, I now know, that can help him lead a better life, even without me in it.
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Chrisbazsky77

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« Reply #5 on: May 03, 2015, 08:45:39 AM »

By the way, its an EEG not a ECG, he's due for a brain scan, docs heard him out and have to rule out medical first, its protocol... .they think he might have been suffering from Temporal Lobe Epilepsy... .after much reading on the subject, its highly possible he could have TLE and developed a disorder. Whatever it is, I pray he gets the help he so desperately needs.
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Crumbling
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« Reply #6 on: May 04, 2015, 09:34:37 PM »

  He is lucky to have someone like you.  Has he.still been in contact?  How are you dealing with things?  Is TLE treatable?
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #7 on: May 05, 2015, 09:50:08 AM »

Excerpt
They keep telling him he's fine but smashing things, fisting walls and tearingshirts in rage is not normal behaviour.

Hey Chris, This is quite familiar behavior to me.  I hung a picture over the hole she punched in the wall, though that was not possible when she broke down a door.  She tore a T-shirt off my back and smashed many things.  She threatened suicide at least 15 times.  In my experience, it's all drama and she was just crying wolf.  Though I always had the nagging thought in the back of my mind that maybe this was the one time she would carry it out.  Very stressful!  I went to the mental health ward at our local hospital twice to ask what to do when your spouse threatens suicide.  Its the ultimate manipulation.  In my experience, things can get progressively worse over time.  Only you know the right path, though cutting your losses is certainly an option worth considering.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Skip
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« Reply #8 on: May 05, 2015, 10:02:52 AM »

I just don't know what to do, how to "handle" him right now-do I have no contact(I find that difficult) because I do truly care for his wellbeing) or do I respond lovingly?

You are doing the healthiest thing right now. Values and boundaries.

He lost it. You gave it daylight to the family (so important) - and you have shown, by moving out, that you will not tolerate it.

This is good.  It is also very stressful for him.

Communicating with him nicely when he is nice and stepping away nicely (I have water boiling on the stove) when he is not is the next logical extension of what you are doing.

If he makes threat of infidelity, I would explain that making such threats is almost the same as doing it in that it is violating the trust in the relationship. Tell him he is making matters worse.

Reward good behavior.  Go quiet on bad.

This is a nerve wrecking time and stressful for you, too.  Letting your feelings and fears flow, most likely make you more vulnerable and encourage more of the same. Stay close - share your frustrations here - you need an outlet and an outside, centering perspective, right now.

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Chrisbazsky77

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« Reply #9 on: May 05, 2015, 06:39:46 PM »

Hello again, never thought I'd be back here to post so soon... .things are getting worse I'm aafraid... .he's stalking(parked outside the complex gates and "made observations"-wwhile I tried to ignore "bad behaviour"... .he just says the most awful, scary, hurtful things " if I see you on the street, I'll burn you" etc... .this has been a massive shock to my system, how can I love and fear the same person?-its driving me nuts! All I think of all day is HIM-at the office I'm in zombie mode, however still push through the days... .while parked outside, he tried my cell 3 times, then dialled a neighbour, then sped off when he realised he was being ignored! He managed to make me feel on edge, stressed, super anxious and disappointed all at once! I still have no clue what he wanted to achieve? Since last I have blocked him from whatsapp and he has not tried to make contact all day today. I haven't contacted him either. Even considered a protection order. Cutting my losses seems like a pretty good idea right now BUT WHY can't I let go in my heart? Am I so shallow to "need" him? I've been second guessing my happy moments and MYSELF all day!

In answer to the one question regarding TLE... .the symptoms are pretty close, so its difficult to know till he gets that EEG done this Friday. I've been reading up on quite a bit and experts say its very likely that disorders exist together with TLE rage or mood swings. It just gets more confusing and stressful by the day. I'm garateful for the support I have found here.
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Chrisbazsky77

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« Reply #10 on: May 05, 2015, 06:48:24 PM »

I'm really sorry for all of the typos... .it's almost 2am here in South Africa and I'm using my phone to respond. Thanks Skip, I feel comfy venting here and I'm extremely thankful for the website.
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