Formflier's Validation Challenge

[MercuryHat]

Pipe Dream Thread started. Find it here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=276272.new#new

[Cole]

Other than that I have been very Spock-like in my emotional dealings with others. I have plenty of emotions. However, my upbringing in an emotionally volatile and unsafe environment has taught me that the volatility of emotions is dangerous. Like a good Vulcan I use emotions to inform logic, and rely on the logic in difficult and emotional situations.

It isn't that I am not emotional or don't have them.

There are two people serving life for attempted murder of a police officer (me). After you have had people try to kill you, Wendy's messing up your order seems quite anticlimactic. So, when my wife gets absolutely irate at such simple things, it does not compute with me any more than my not getting upset does with her. We are on opposite sides of the spectrum and it does make life difficult.

Are we just there to serve the BPD's needs?

No. I did that for years to no avail. We as nons have rights, too.

I took a stand a few months ago and put my needs in writing, along with a date of June 1st when I plan to file for divorce if I do not see significant change. Handling a pwBPD with kid gloves and excusing the behavior because they are ill only gives them license to continue. I will say my wife is taking a serious look at how she treats me and has been trying on and off, though I am not holding my breath and will likely be on the "leaving" board a month from now.  

[123Phoebe]

Lesson on validation


So... .I've been thinking about things... .I've been chatting with some with some members on here and I want become a more validating person.  Not just to my wife... .but in general.

Sure... .I've played around with validation... .but I still feel very clumsy with it.  I believe I have made great strides in avoiding obvious invalidation.  Basically arguing with my wife that she should see something a different way... .

I read the lesson a couple times this morning... .and I think the first thing I wan to work on... .is being quicker about "finding the validation target".

For instance:  Yesterday my wife calls me on the phone.  She is in a bad cell coverage area... .it becomes obvious she is not hearing me... .I still hear her just fine.  She starts to go off... .to the point of saying ("effe you if you aren't going to talk to me... ." and then hangs up... .she calls me right back.

She asks why I wouldn't talk to her and I reminded her that she was in bad area... .I assured her I heard everything she said... .and that I was trying to talk.  (click... .line drops again)

She calls back... .and asks if I hung up on her and that she needs directions to library.  I said no and explained how to get to library.

So... .on one hand... .I never grumped at her... .and don't think I obviously invalidated her.  However... .I think the "target" was that she was and has been frustrated for a while that I (and many others) aren't listening to her. 

I suspect she doesn't feel heard.

So... .I want to validate that... .I want to be empathetic with the frustration of being ignored... .but I don't want to be on the hook to change my behavior so she "knows" she has been heard.

Her version of my capability to get work done... .and mine are much different. 

So... .should I have tried to keep her on the phone and say something like

"I'm here for you.  I can see how frustrating it is for you to feel like you were not being heard.  The cell service is that area is very poor... .I suspect this will be continued problem for you while driving down there."

Above is an attempt at SET.   If my goal is validation... .did I get that done.  OR  Did I make a point to her that it's not my fault?

Anyway... .my hope is that I can put some examples up here... .and you guys can help me learn to be a better validater.

FF

I think you're on the right track here, the only problem being that the cell service is really bad in that area, so trying to keep her on the phone to validate when the call might be dropped mid-sentence anyway, is defeating the purpose in a sense.

"The cell service stinks!  Totally frustrating!"

Also, she's asking for directions to library, so I'm taking it that she might be lost or turned around, or? 

That would feel pretty unnerving and confusing not being able to find where you're going, then having calls dropped by the one person you trust to help you find your way  

[formflier]

Also, she's asking for directions to library, so I'm taking it that she might be lost or turned around, or? 

That would feel pretty unnerving and confusing not being able to find where you're going, then having calls dropped by the one person you trust to help you find your way  

My wife has no sense of direction... .gets lost all the time... .this is normal. 

[123Phoebe]

Also, she's asking for directions to library, so I'm taking it that she might be lost or turned around, or? 

That would feel pretty unnerving and confusing not being able to find where you're going, then having calls dropped by the one person you trust to help you find your way  

My wife has no sense of direction... .gets lost all the time... .this is normal. 

Is this something you can accept?

[formflier]

 

Yep... .she calls and gets directions quite often.  Used to be more. 

It's just part of her that I accept... .never really been anything bad come of it.

FF

[Cole]

Yep... .she calls and gets directions quite often.  Used to be more. 

It's just part of her that I accept... .never really been anything bad come of it.

FF

FF

Glad you are the one with the good sense of direction. Should you have got turned around in your previous work... .near Russian airspace... .it might have caused a little "incident".   

[formflier]

FF

Glad you are the one with the good sense of direction. Should you have got turned around in your previous work... .near Russian airspace... .it might have caused a little "incident".   

Hehe... .yeah.

Even when driving... .I look at things... ."like a pilot"... .the way things look from up high. 

Helps me orient myself.

FF

[Grey Kitty]

I'm late here... .and I think how to validate bad cell reception has been covered very well.

I'd like to point out that being more validating is best used as a strategic move / carpet bombing move, rather than as a tactical targeted move.

If she's feeling upset/invalidated, you may or may not be able to validate her, and it may or may not prevent her from getting more dysregulated. Boundaries are very effective if needed here... .

The other approach is to just be constantly watching for chances to validate her any time of the day, preferably when there isn't any sort of 'issue' showing up.

I'm sure you already notice her moods. Let her know that you care enough to pay attention, and just accept that she is seems to be feeling up, down, busy, tired, or whatever. Be interested in it and curious about it if she wants to share more.

Do it with NO agenda, not trying to convince her anything, no fishing for her to care about your mood/feelings. Just interest in what is going on with this person who is so important in your life.

(Bet it will work really good with your kids too!)

[formflier]

 

I've been trying to "carpet bomb" more... .

"how are you doing?"  seems to be a better question than "how are you feeling... ."

I hate guessing at what to validate... .I've guessed wrong before... .and either I was wrong... .or she claimed I was wrong... .and shouldn't have been "guessing".

Who knows... .bad scene at my house today... .I tried to be supportive.  Even though I think she is completely to blame... .I'm going to keep that to myself.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=276436.0

Even if she asks why I don't want another dog... .I'm going with Grey Kitty mantra "Nothing good can come of this... ." if I try to explain how irresponsible she is/was. 

I'll stick with NO... .because I am the one not comfortable with it... .

Sigh... .

FF

[Grey Kitty]

Yeah, I think "How are you doing?" is better.

When you can see something of her feelings, it may be better to comment on them... ."You look sad." Or "you look like a tigger that lost her bounce" Or something else that she is clearly feeling/expressing.

[vortex of confusion]

GK's post reminded me of something that I do out of habit. I tend to be a pretty playful person and have been known to insert a bit of humor with stuff like "What's up buttercup?" or "Why the frown Charlie Brown?"

Or, something my kids do to me, which is come up to me at random times and give me a hug and say, "you look like you need a hug". I do stuff like that to them too. I have been known to walk up behind my husband or kids and give them a hug or a kiss and say, "How's it going?"

It is about finding small unobtrusive ways to check in with them through out the day. And I try to make sure I do it when they are happy too. If I can tell that one of them is clearly excited about something, I try to share the excitement with them. I feel like only saying something when they look sad sends the message "I will only notice you when you are sad/mad/upset." which might lead them to subconsciously find reasons to be sad/mad/upset because they know that it will get them attention. Negative attention is better than no attention. :-)