If you could go back in time

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

For those of you that didn't have kids with your exes, if given the chance to go back in time and not have a relationship with your ex would you not or was the highs of the relationship worth the lows?

[confusedinWI]

For those of you that didn't have kids with your exes, if given the chance to go back in time and not have a relationship with your ex would you not or was the highs of the relationship worth the lows?

[Bensonshays]

For those of you that didn't have kids with your exes, if given the chance to go back in time and not have a relationship with your ex would you not or was the highs of the relationship worth the lows?

Nah. The experience was worth all of the pain because I'm learning and improving so much about myself. Besides, when things were good, they were really good. I had some amazing experiences with the girl I dated that I'll never forget. 

[Infern0]

I wouldn't change it, it taught me a lot about my own issues.

We had many good times, and our last contact was reasonable and respectful.  I replaced first.

The pain of the first break up was unreal but it was what I needed in order to change.

Overall I don't regret the experience.

[ShadowIntheNight]

For those of you that didn't have kids with your exes, if given the chance to go back in time and not have a relationship with your ex would you not or was the highs of the relationship worth the lows?

Wish I had never met her. We went from one chaos to the next with her, and how she ultimately left me and treated me is beyond disrespectful and callous. I regret the day I ever said hello to her. It was a wasted decade as far as I'm concerned, and I ultimately feel sorry for her two kids because of the lousy parents they got stuck with through no fault of their own.

[Mister Brightside]

I know a lot of people are going to say they wouldn't erase this experience from their existence, because they learned about weaknesses they need to work on. But for me, I would go back in time in a heart beat. This lesson was too much for me to bare. There are plenty of codependents like myself who have never had to deal with a borderline, because they weren't in the wrong place at the wrong time. I think it's important to grow, but this experience was just too much for me. I feel like I was in love with one of Satan's minions, and that really damages a sensitive person, let alone anyone. I don't wish this girl on anyone, even just running into her on the street. I sound bitter and like a victim, but oh well.

[tortuga]

I would go back and time, and have hired the team of the most gangsta lawyers I could find and have them write an ironclad nuclear prenup.

Also, I suppose I would have given myself a copy of John Bradshaw's book, and a letter to myself urging me to seek treatment for codependency. I wouldn't have prevented the r/s; (or our kids, obviously) - but I could have done so many things differently.

[Mutt]

I think Mr Brightside has a good point with highly sensitive people. I have to agree that I don't regret the experience either and I also don't wish to repeat how painful it is with a pwBPD. I learned my lesson.

It taught me many things about myself; people and how important the bond is with relationships. It made me look at my FOO and the potential pitfalls emotionally for my kids and how important it is for dad to be there for them. I spend more time with them and I see the benefits and they're coping better that dads not in a r/s with mom. Although they are sad we're not together anymore and wish they had their real family.

They'll grow up and have their own ideas and feelings about mom. I can't change the past and I can learn from it. Kids or no, if I did have a choice what's to say I didn't meet a different person with a PD because of my compartments at some other junction in time? I also think people's circumstances are different and some members aren't co-dependent and don't have FOO issues.

[myself]

Already went back, many times. Bouncing between breaking up/making up.

It was one of the best and most painful experiences and r/s of my life.

Can pick and choose through whatever. Mostly wouldn't want to go back.  

[dobie]

I'm seven months out and no if I had my time again I would have walked from day one this r/s though enligtining to me of my issues has cost me nearly everything .

Losing ones  trust , mental & emotional health , financial stability etc and all from the hands of someone who was supposed to "love us"

Anything that pushes you to the brink of taking your own life to escape the pain is not worth it .

[FannyB]

I'd do it all again - brought me out of an impending depression and made me feel alive again. Even learning about BPD has been enlightening as I will be able to give my son plenty of advice when he starts dating!  Yes, the devaluation period was one of the worst times in my life, as I couldn't rationalise what was happening to me - but I even take a sense of pride out of working this all out for myself and not being bitter and twisted by it all.  Might be revising my opinion though if I'm back with her in a year's time! 

[zundertowz]

Id have gone with me gut instinct and ran... .ran far away from her.  I lived a fun and exciting life before I meet her so she really didnt add anything besides being really hot and good sex.  Mine really had no interests so everything I did with her I did before.  Heck I was the first person she ever went on vacation with... .and guess what she ruined two of those... .no way!

[Dunder]

As I pull away from the worst of it, as I make may away further and further toward detachment, setbacks included, I can begin to see how the experience was inevitable, that I was on a crash course with someone like her. It wasn't fate, it was just that I was likely to fall into an unhealthy codependent relationship at some point in my life. I used to wish that somehow the serendipity that brought us into each other's lives never would have happened, but I'm also glad it did, precisely because I know that it can't happen again. I feel like I acquired greater emotional intelligence and will be better able to recognize the warning signs the next time someone like her crosses my path. I also have a daughter and friends with whom I can share my personal experience and knowledge, and enrich their lives with what I've learned from this experience. I don't regret it, but I never want to experience this again. It hurt so much, still does.

[sbr1050]

I would do it all over again.  He made me a better person, strange as that sounds.  I have great memories with him and his kids (granted, there are lot of bad ones too... .) and I learned a lot from him.  He made me realize that I am loveable (even if I now feel that what he felt for me probably wasn't really deep love).  The feeling I got with him when things were going well and I could feel safe and loved... .well, even if it wasn't real with him, I know what that feeling is.  I will just have to find it with someone that is not BPD... .

[ThanksForPlaying]

Id have gone with me gut instinct and ran... .ran far away from her.  I lived a fun and exciting life before I meet her so she really didnt add anything besides being really hot and good sex.  Mine really had no interests so everything I did with her I did before.  Heck I was the first person she ever went on vacation with... .and guess what she ruined two of those... .no way!

Really hot vacation ruiner. Could be the same girl. Vacations were a huge trigger for her.  She trashed hotel rooms, started wild fights, threatened to run away and stay in whatever city we were in. On multiple vacations.

I would love to go back in time. Hoping I've learned enough to avoid this next time but not sure.

[Achaya]

Confused, you and I are totally on the same rumination page today! The title on this post is a question I've asked myself many times following a final BU conversation with my ex two days ago.

I was just out of a 20 year marriage when I got involved with my ex. My self-esteem was at a low point, I felt unfit to be in a relationship, and I felt like I was too old to be able to attract anyone anymore. My most recent partner made me feel alive again, made me feel attractive and desirable, and showed me that I still need intimacy, sex, a committed partner. If I had known what price I would have to pay in pain for that learning, I would not have had the courage to get involved this last time. If I had not been so vulnerable, I would have looked both ways before I crossed the street, instead of charging into the path of the oncoming truck. I honestly don't know if it would have been better or worse for me if I had made the healthy decision to "just say no."

Some of the posts on these boards say that people were able to use these traumatic relationships as a wake up call regarding their self-esteem weaknesses and their codependency. I had known about these aspects of myself for a long time, and worked on them for a long time, and am very discouraged to see that I acted out my stuff yet again. So the relationship trauma didn't add anything to what I already know about how damaged I was already. The parts of the relationship I learned the most from were the good parts, because I had never experienced mutual desire, attraction, affirmation and intimacy on this level. I think that a lot of the good times I had with my ex are achievable in a healthy relationship, but I don't know. I've never had one. I'm not giving up yet, but it will be a while before I am emotionally open again.

[zundertowz]

Id have gone with me gut instinct and ran... .ran far away from her.  I lived a fun and exciting life before I meet her so she really didnt add anything besides being really hot and good sex.  Mine really had no interests so everything I did with her I did before.  Heck I was the first person she ever went on vacation with... .and guess what she ruined two of those... .no way!

Really hot vacation ruiner. Could be the same girl. Vacations were a huge trigger for her.  She trashed hotel rooms, started wild fights, threatened to run away and stay in whatever city we were in. On multiple vacations.

I would love to go back in time. Hoping I've learned enough to avoid this next time but not sure.

Not only vacations but I would work 50-60 hours weeks waiting to enjoy the weekend and I swear she would wait on purpose till Friday to start fights... .

[dagwoodbowser]

I went through a lot pain, humiliation, denial, FOG and was emasculated. When I was in college I pledged a Fraternity and while there was minimal torture to the soul and spirit I didnt think I would get through it because of the hazing but I did. I cant say I would go back in time and change anything other then would have held my ground to boundaries early on and would have been more assertive about questioning Red Flags.

Once I get though this and I am at a comfortable Detachment Phase, I will say that this has helped me. I didnt know I was co-dependent and how bad it was. I didnt realize how much of a Beta male I was, that has to change too. I also realize that I need to be more outspoken, practice the art of saying No and work on fixing myself instead of everyone else. My BPDx uncovered a lot of hidden traumas that I know have to deal and work through. I also learned to accept responsibility about my part in this relationship. She did alot of F'd-up things, but I didnt really do anything to stop it. As I've said before, I needed to be needed and wanted. I was a Giver, she was a Taker. We were a Dysfunctional Ying and Yang. 

[Loosestrife]

If I go could go back in time I would steer well clear

[ReclaimingMyLife]

There are times I genuinely feel grateful for me to have had this r/s b/c I think this has been a MAJOR turning point in my life.  I can use this for the better.  I am using this for the better.

But the hell this r/s inflicted on my kids... .I'd take that back in a heartbeat.  My kids, who never even met him but had to go thru the hell of him stalking me, agree that they have never hated anyone so much in their lives.  His threats of suicide felt like a most welcome solution to my daughter... .who hated that she actually felt that way (wanting someone to die).  He showed her such an ugly side of life in general and also what felt like an ugly side within her.   She likely would have discovered this on her own at some point in life, but I HATE that I opened the doors to this man.  I "let the monster in."  (And yes, I know he is a human being... .but not so much in her experience).

As someone else said, I wish I had never even said hello. 

[DyingLove]

Id have gone with me gut instinct and ran... .ran far away from her.  I lived a fun and exciting life before I meet her so she really didnt add anything besides being really hot and good sex.  Mine really had no interests so everything I did with her I did before.  Heck I was the first person she ever went on vacation with... .and guess what she ruined two of those... .no way!

Really hot vacation ruiner. Could be the same girl. Vacations were a huge trigger for her.  She trashed hotel rooms, started wild fights, threatened to run away and stay in whatever city we were in. On multiple vacations.

I would love to go back in time. Hoping I've learned enough to avoid this next time but not sure.

Not only vacations but I would work 50-60 hours weeks waiting to enjoy the weekend and I swear she would wait on purpose till Friday to start fights... .

Funny you said that. Whenever we didn't have her kid there would be an argument. I think having the kid around was a distraction and we did not argue. It was predictable and I had to walk on eggshells to avoid the Wednesday fight. She would even say that it's Wednesday never fails. She blamed me.

[zundertowz]

Id have gone with me gut instinct and ran... .ran far away from her.  I lived a fun and exciting life before I meet her so she really didnt add anything besides being really hot and good sex.  Mine really had no interests so everything I did with her I did before.  Heck I was the first person she ever went on vacation with... .and guess what she ruined two of those... .no way!

Really hot vacation ruiner. Could be the same girl. Vacations were a huge trigger for her.  She trashed hotel rooms, started wild fights, threatened to run away and stay in whatever city we were in. On multiple vacations.

I would love to go back in time. Hoping I've learned enough to avoid this next time but not sure.

Not only vacations but I would work 50-60 hours weeks waiting to enjoy the weekend and I swear she would wait on purpose till Friday to start fights... .

Funny you said that. Whenever we didn't have her kid there would be an argument. I think having the kid around was a distraction and we did not argue. It was predictable and I had to walk on eggshells to avoid the Wednesday fight. She would even say that it's Wednesday never fails. She blamed me.

My ex would always avoid fighting around her kids... .which is wierd for someone so out of control without them... .and yeah the kids left for the week end so thats when 80 percent of the crazy fight happened.

[DyingLove]

If I could go back before it all started, but STILL understand everything else that I know today.

Okay, I started writing and erased it.  Bottom line NO NO NO NO NO!

I may not have that THAT woman in my life, but I certainly would not have the daily withdrawl, sadness, crying, longing, lonliness, guilt, sickness, poor physical condition and health, EXPENSES, and four years that MIGHT have been better doing something else.  I wouldn't know her, her dysfunctional family, her griefs, I would have spent many thousands of dollars less, trips totally around $8grand, $24grand in moving and rent and stuff in FL. Lots of bucks spent with the intention that she was my soul mate, forever.

ANd she had the guts to say that I didn't work and she supported me- She said it like I was a disease.  How damn hurtful she was.

Yes, erase her.

[Deeno02]

I wouldnt have. I broke my own rule about becoming involved with someone who was separated, not yet divorced. Big mistake, for me that is. I let my own need for love and feeling wanted/needed get in the way of rational thought and jumped in with both feet and whole heart.

[peacefulmind]

I think there's a temporal aspect to this question. I am sure a lot of people truly do believe they would never go back on being with their ex-BPD, and I truly do believe a lot of people would still do it. I see it as a matter of what stage of detachment you're in. I am currently not working too well mentally, and I am trying to process as much as I can as good as I can. Therefore, the feelings I have now is, that I would never allow my ex-BPD into my life if I had a chance to re-do it. In 5 years from now, my detachment will hopefully be long gone and I will have moved on, and I will look back at this with refreshed eyes, and realise that it was just another one of those "why the hell did you do that?" moments, and that I have learned from it. Hopefully, it shapes me to find the right person for me, a person who appreciates my love and my care, and not just take it for granted.

I would never allow my ex-BPD into my life on an intimate level if I had the chance. But ask me again in 5 years from now.

[Plonko]

If I could go back knowing what I know now and having grown like I have now then I wouldn't touch her with a barge pole. If I went back and knew what I knew then (not a lot) I would once again have been drawn in by the fact that she was hot as hot can be, seemed to love me to bits, was brilliant fun to be with and seemed like all my dreams come true.

[Infared]

Well... .yes... .I want to go back in time, knowing what I know now! LOL!

I would like to have been able to stand there and have had the self-love and presence of mind to say to myself "no infared, this woman is very cute, sexy and attractive... .but she cheats on her partners and abandons them.  No, it will not be different with you. She will be the same. She is showing you who she is. Stay away from her!"

Time machine please... .

[DyingLove]

If I could go back knowing what I know now and having grown like I have now then I wouldn't touch her with a barge pole. If I went back and knew what I knew then (not a lot) I would once again have been drawn in by the fact that she was hot as hot can be, seemed to love me to bits, was brilliant fun to be with and seemed like all my dreams come true.

Makes perfect sense.  You have to go back with the SMARTS that you have gained. Otherwise history repeats itself. Ever see MEN IN BLACK?  Would be nice to have a neuralizer!