One of those days

[ASD]

I guess today is one of those days.  I feel like there's no winning, no point explaining myself, no point trying much any more.  You know those days?  No energy to even complain about it or analyze it anymore.

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[OffRoad]

Sounds like most of my days... .

Care to elaborate?

[FigureIt]

Sounds like most of my days... .

Care to elaborate?

I completely agree... .Sounds like many of mine too!  I would love a day without my uBPDbf's "Poor Me!" attitude.  Although I think my bf has an alcohol problem, I like when he goes out without me, then I don't need to deal with the poor me and when he comes home he usually dozes off within 10-15min.

[ASD]

To be honest it was one of many and now I don't remember the specifics; the days blend together when you're dealing with the same BS day after day. 

My SO is diagnosed and of late has even mentioned the words BPD.  A couple of years ago she had weight loss surgery and was very successful in taming her eating disorder and going from over 300 lbs to about 130 now.  Problem is her lapband needed to be loosened about a month ago and since then she's been eating more.  And hating herself for it triggering a downward spiral of depression, eating, purging and all that fun stuff.  Today is a really bad day.  She went to another doctor for her blood work results and had to get on the scale... .up 20lbs from a month ago so I've been bombarded with texts all day, including "I want to kill myself" and "I have to stop eating".  I get home and he's binged all night and then told me how depressed she is, how much she hates herself and awful everything is.  We were actually having a mature conversation about medication and depression and mental health and then we got around to how I have betrayed her and lied to her and that I have not responded to all her efforts to change.  Why is she so bad for wanting to go back 13 years to when we met?  She can't see that we're all a result of the experiences we've had so it's impossible for any of us to be "that person" again, and that I do love her.  But it's not the way she wants to be loved, and I don't appreciate the efforts she makes.  So, long and short of it is that I'm the bad one again, and sitting in bed alone working at 10 pm. 

I am so tired of this.  We had a month that I thought was tolerable.  I haven't bee on this site for a few weeks.  I knew that something would happen though.  I left myself pretend that things were normal.  I know I'd be ok without her, but would the kids?  They do love her, and I know she loves them but her BPD is not under control (if that's even possible) and that's a danger to us all.

She did look at a treatment facility but of course their recommendation that she go in-patient is crazy and she only wants out-patient, so there goes that.  It was a center nearby that focuses on eating disorders and related issues.  It was a start, I thought but ... .it ain't gonna happen now.  I feel like I've been at the end of my rope so long ... .what do I do? 

The talk of suicide has increased a lot.  The self loathing is worse than ever, I think.  Ugh.  I just don't know.  I don't see the light at the end of this tunnel... .