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Author Topic: So... she is advocating for getting another dog... when I get a job  (Read 577 times)
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« on: May 04, 2015, 07:13:56 PM »



 

The conversation was polite... .respectful... .I listened and asked some questions... .and at this point have given her no feedback.

Lots of bad history with pets and agreements not being followed.  I have no expectation of any agreement I make with her... .will be followed.

She wants one of those little 5lb dogs that run around the house. 

I need help coming up with a dearman... .or something to present my answer as "not yet". 

That is what I really feel... .but I wonder if I am smarter to just say NO.  She may do it anyway... .but I have made mistakes in the past (pre BPD knowledge) of not being clear about NO... .or saying things she could grab to claim I said yes.

Sigh... .we've had a couple good days.

Right now... .there is one outside dog that is improperly cared for and is a menace to the neighborhood... .people are actively complaining.

Last pet I agreed to was one bird... .three showed up and one had been killed by fumes from cleaning supplies within a day or two... .wife realized error... .and beat herself up pretty good for couple days.

There is an inside cat.

Life was much simpler on the farm... .there was a barn and fields where she could buy things... .put them out there... .and they wouldn't affect life in the house... .all that much.

We are city slickers again... .

FF
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« Reply #1 on: May 04, 2015, 07:52:49 PM »

I know you know this, but even if you say NO, she is still going to get a dog if she wants one. And it would be up to you to get another home for it, take it back where it came from, whatever if you really don't want a dog or it doesn't work out. AND you will be so black, you won't be able to see the stars.

My friend did this. She wanted a dog so badly. Her H said NO. Vehemently NO. So my friend "just happened" to find a dog running around loose. And no one claimed the dog, not that she put out any fliers or ads regarding the dog. Her H was not up to taking it to the animal shelter, as he did not want to make her unhappy. So they now had a dog, whether her H wanted one or not. Next thing he knows, they now have two dogs.

I hope your story comes out better.  The only suggestions I have for your dearman is something along the lines of cost and time. Even if you get a job, dogs cost a lot of money, plus vet bills if something goes wrong. And if you have a job, who will be home for the dog if both you and your wife are working? If it's an indoor dog, who will make sure it gets out on a regular basis? Who will clean up after it?

If you don't want a dog, why? And if you want one eventually, why not as soon as you get a job, and why would eventually be any different? I  think that is where you should start.
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« Reply #2 on: May 04, 2015, 08:15:22 PM »

And if you have a job, who will be home for the dog if both you and your wife are working? If it's an indoor dog, who will make sure it gets out on a regular basis? Who will clean up after it?

Not a conversation that I will have... .because anything that is said and or agreed to... .is worth anything.  She will remember things differently... .when convenient.

If it makes noise in the house... .I'll have trouble sleeping. 

The last puppy that came to the house was disastrous... .(pre BPD knowledge)... .because it would whine... .they would let it out... .so it would whine more... .and get out more... .and I would sleep less.

Complaints fell on deaf ears... .I should have been able to "hack it"... .

Our r/s has gotten much better... .in many respects... .but sticking to a negotiated settlement is not a place where it has gotten better.  Maybe someday.

FF
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« Reply #3 on: May 04, 2015, 08:26:09 PM »

When do you think you will be getting a job?

If it isn't any time soon, can you set a boundary and say something like, "I don't want to discuss this until I actually have a job and I will know what we have to worth with when it comes to having a dog."

I am thinking that you can put her off with the truth. You don't know what your hours will be. You don't know how much money you might be making. There are a lot of unknown factors and it is really difficult to make a decision like getting a pet when there are so many unknowns.

And, if there is a great likelihood that she is going to do it anyway, would your energies be better if spent on something else?

For now, I wonder if you could try this route: "No, I cannot support getting a dog. I cannot even think about getting a dog right now. My focus is on getting a job. I want to focus on one thing at a time."
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« Reply #4 on: May 05, 2015, 05:40:42 AM »

 

Yeah... .I can see a process where we end up with a dog... .and me being happy about it.  We have done that before... .but it's been a long time.

I asked her to have some time to talk last night... .she agreed to talk as soon as she got home.  I was clear on the phone that I wanted to talk privately.  I waited on porch... .had a chair ready... .kids were inside... .

She walked inside and started doing stuff with kids. 

I waited on porch 45 minutes... .(it was nice evening)... .then I went inside and went to bed.

I've been needing to catch up on sleep... .that worked out well last night to do that.


FF

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« Reply #5 on: May 05, 2015, 12:51:01 PM »

formflier, I know the feeling about a wife who wants a dog I also have had nightmares with a dog we had for 8 years. we recently moved to NC from LA and had to give the dog away ,thank God... .that dog was a great dog but problematic . we took trips and had to pay for kennel sitting and caused a lot of unnecessary stress... .

so now she wants another dog and I said no from the jump. we are renting a home and landlord said no dogs so I'm off the hook for a little while... .if you hold your guns and maybe tell her she will be totally responsible for the care of the dog then she may rethink it ... .

good luck, despr8
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« Reply #6 on: May 05, 2015, 02:20:08 PM »

My uBPDw is one of "these" too. >

We have been through many, many pets. As disposable as pretty much anything else.

Every time, she either acts impulsively and forces it on me, or she asks, I say no, and she does it anyway. (I think that the "borderline mantra" must be: "it's better to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission".

We do have two cats and one dog. (none of which I agreed to get). We used to have two dogs, but the other dog passed away two years ago.

The last one, I won.

She was on vacation in another country with her girl friend.  (I would not take off work).  While she was there, she rescued a feral dog that had been hit by a car.  She sent me a photo, and yes, it was a really cute dog, but I responded with ":)O NOT BRING THAT DOG HOME!".  (I knew what she was thinking; as ridiculous as the idea sounds).

In fact, all she needed was the document for the rabies shot.  She got that, and when she came back from the trip, she had the dog. I asked her; "what part of ALL-CAPS and three exclamation points, did you not understand?"  . . . of course I lost that argument. She brought the dog. What else could we do?  

Yes - it was a very sweet dog, very loving, very smart, and actually potty-trained.  Unfortunately, pretty young, and with deeply-ingrained survival habits for feral dogs (in particular, garbage-picking for food).  I came home the very first afternoon, and this dog was on top of the kitchen table, eating something out of a plastic tupperware container. She had chewed the top off.  Inside, was some very expensive "craft" chocolate, from a chocolate factory my uBPDw had visited on the trip. Like, super-concentrated dark chocolate.  I did what any reasonable person would do. I took the dog to the emergency pet doctor, and they induced vomiting. Fortunately she suffered no ill-effects, but the bill was about $500.  After that, my uBPDw put an ad on Craigslist, and we found a home for her. She really was a very cute dog.  

A week later, we got a call from the new owners, telling us she had mange.

So - happy ending. I still only clean up after her one dog.
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« Reply #7 on: May 05, 2015, 02:27:40 PM »

FF, I am sorry this is so difficult for you. I am trying to imagine your household right now. 8 kids + the neighbor kid you don't want to be there, and a dog. I just can't even imagine adding a dog to this. Now, I love kids, and I love dogs, but I know that I could not manage more than one dog. I a trying to imagine why, when your wife is starting back at work, and you are looking for jobs, and your D is starting college- why take on the extra expense and time commitment of a dog?

In trying to connect the two- is this some empty nest response- trying to fill the void of the child leaving home? I have joked about that myself, getting a pet to cuddle with when the kids leave home, but you still have plenty of cuddly kids/dogs at home.

And, when do you get to say no? No to the neighbor kid, no to the dog... .
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« Reply #8 on: May 05, 2015, 02:36:37 PM »

FF, I am sorry this is so difficult for you. I am trying to imagine your household right now. 8 kids + the neighbor kid you don't want to be there, and a dog. I just can't even imagine adding a dog to this. Now, I love kids, and I love dogs, but I know that I could not manage more than one dog. I a trying to imagine why, when your wife is starting back at work, and you are looking for jobs, and your D is starting college- why take on the extra expense and time commitment of a dog?

In trying to connect the two- is this some empty nest response- trying to fill the void of the child leaving home? I have joked about that myself, getting a pet to cuddle with when the kids leave home, but you still have plenty of cuddly kids/dogs at home.

And, when do you get to say no? No to the neighbor kid, no to the dog... .

Those little dogs are pretty high maintenance... .they bark at shadows... .piss and crap everywhere... .bark at you while your eating... .they turn out like infants if you dont train them right.
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« Reply #9 on: May 05, 2015, 03:10:40 PM »

they turn out like infants if you dont train them right.

Back in 2002... .was the last dog we got... .that we agreed on... .and that I was happy with the process.

It was a pit mix... .and my wife trained it... .and did a great job with it.

Downhill from there.

She has the skills... .but it is the commitment that is lacking.

FF
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« Reply #10 on: May 05, 2015, 03:43:40 PM »

Does she work? Perhaps you could negotiate that if the existing dog gets two walks a day and she can contribute more financially gir insurance then you will consider it?
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« Reply #11 on: May 05, 2015, 04:51:34 PM »

I had another thought because this is what I have done when it comes to getting dogs. I will only get adult dogs that are fully house trained. I refuse to get a puppy. And, I insist that the dog comes from a rescue shelter and has been fixed, etc.

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« Reply #12 on: May 05, 2015, 05:08:15 PM »

Does she work? Perhaps you could negotiate that if the existing dog gets two walks a day and she can contribute more financially gir insurance then you will consider it?

Right now she is substitute teaching... .pretty much full time.

Here is the thing with my r/s with a pwBPD traits... .any negotiation or settlement... .is not worth a hoot.

She will change it... .

So... .unless I am willing to say she violated an agreement... .and remove the dog myself... .that road shouldn't be gone down... .at all.

We've written agreements down in the past... .she violated them... .and then I was horrible for writing it down... .proving her wrong... .etc etc.

I wish I could negotiate with her... .make a compromise... .that would seem reasonable... .

FF
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« Reply #13 on: May 05, 2015, 05:13:12 PM »

they turn out like infants if you dont train them right.

Back in 2002... .was the last dog we got... .that we agreed on... .and that I was happy with the process.

It was a pit mix... .and my wife trained it... .and did a great job with it.

Downhill from there.

She has the skills... .but it is the commitment that is lacking.

FF

Believe it or not big dogs are less matanience... .im telling you those little dogs are alot of work and destroy your house... .Its like the difference between a infant and a teenager.
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« Reply #14 on: May 05, 2015, 06:47:30 PM »

 

I've never owned a little dog.  Had some fox terriers as a child... .but I think those are "medium dogs".

What I have seen of little dogs is not good.

My wife's sister has a tiny one... .and it is a menace.

Has been to our house a couple times... .and if it was up to me would never come back.

Biggest dog we ever had was the pit-lab mix... .almost 100lbs.

Wonderful animal... .great experience... .

FF
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« Reply #15 on: May 06, 2015, 01:08:28 PM »

Those little dogs are pretty high maintenance... .they bark at shadows... .piss and crap everywhere... .bark at you while your eating... .they turn out like infants if you dont train them right.

Our little dog (yorkie mix) is not really that high-maintenance. You don't have to take them for walks, because they get plenty of exercise just running around the house. (I do take him for hikes though - and drives, just to give him a chance to get out of the house. He loves it.).  Ours is very well-behaved, as far as potty training goes.  But yes; he barks a lot. In his first 3 years or so, it was really bad, but now he's older, so he has mellowed out a lot.  He likes to cuddle and sleep next to me under the blankets, and with a bigger dog, that would be a total pain, but with this little guy, it's a nice, comforting bed-warmer.   But I agree - they DO require some training. And that is something you can't really get with a "rescue dog".  You can teach an old-dog new tricks: but they often fall back on old behaviors if you don't keep up the training effort.  A lot of rescue dogs were abused or neglected by previous owners, and in some cases, that means you (the responsible person) get stuck with a dog with bad behavior for the next 5-12 years.
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« Reply #16 on: May 06, 2015, 01:27:39 PM »

Those little dogs are pretty high maintenance... .they bark at shadows... .piss and crap everywhere... .bark at you while your eating... .they turn out like infants if you dont train them right.

Our little dog (yorkie mix) is not really that high-maintenance. You don't have to take them for walks, because they get plenty of exercise just running around the house. (I do take him for hikes though - and drives, just to give him a chance to get out of the house. He loves it.).  Ours is very well-behaved, as far as potty training goes.  But yes; he barks a lot. In his first 3 years or so, it was really bad, but now he's older, so he has mellowed out a lot.  He likes to cuddle and sleep next to me under the blankets, and with a bigger dog, that would be a total pain, but with this little guy, it's a nice, comforting bed-warmer.   But I agree - they DO require some training. And that is something you can't really get with a "rescue dog".  You can teach an old-dog new tricks: but they often fall back on old behaviors if you don't keep up the training effort.  A lot of rescue dogs were abused or neglected by previous owners, and in some cases, that means you (the responsible person) get stuck with a dog with bad behavior for the next 5-12 years.

You dont have to take them on walks because they piss on a pad in the house... .which makes everything in your house smell like piss Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)... .and yes they bark at shadows. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #17 on: May 06, 2015, 01:50:43 PM »

I had another thought because this is what I have done when it comes to getting dogs. I will only get adult dogs that are fully house trained. I refuse to get a puppy. And, I insist that the dog comes from a rescue shelter and has been fixed, etc.

I was going to suggest this too. Me and my husband have dogs instead of children, they are our children. We have three small dogs and we got all of them from a shelter. All of them were potty trained and out of their puppy stages. We just got one a couple weeks ago. Small dogs aren't really that bad, I have nonshedding dogs so I don't have to deal with hair, we do have to shave them, they all are potty trained from the get go. They play with themselves most the time, so other than taking them outside and feeding them, its all a benefit to me. And my husband is in love with them. One of them already knew commands when we got her and they come fully vetted and spayed or neutered. If you get a breed that doesn't have a lot of energy they are really easy to take care of. My dogs have never pissed on a pad in the house, we have a small back yard we simply let them out and let them back in. And the only thing they bark at is the mail man. I would never get a puppy either.  
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« Reply #18 on: May 06, 2015, 02:27:05 PM »

We have a rescued, 7 year old female pit bull terrier, 67 lbs of solid muscle, and a 2 year old miniature Schnauzer.  Guess which one is the most trouble?
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« Reply #19 on: May 06, 2015, 02:32:44 PM »

The two year old as it is younger and has more energy. I have a 7 year old Shih Tzu that does nothing but sleep because she is older, age is a big deal when getting a dog.
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« Reply #20 on: May 06, 2015, 02:37:55 PM »

How about a cat instead?
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« Reply #21 on: May 06, 2015, 09:05:03 PM »

How about a cat instead?

Because if the cat is an inside cat, it comes with a kitty litter box that has to be cleaned, and if it's an outside cat, the coyotes eat it.
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