Claims to need me to tell him what to do... then doesn't do it.

[ColdEthyl]

Hello, everyone

As a small recap for those who don't know my story, my dBPDh doesn't work, he's depressed about it, but doesn't do anything about it. Our sex life is in the toilet. He claims ED, but won't go to the hospital.

The past few months have been pretty progressive. We have been communicating a lot more and a lot better by using the tools on this site. He has started to apologize and take responsibility when he is wrong or he says something mean when he's upset. We have also been able to talk about our sex life, or lack thereof, when before he wouldn't talk about it at all.

The past month he's been saying he will go to the doctor. He said he knows he needs to be seen, that it's not fair to me, that he might have something wrong, etc etc The problem is... .he never does it. He says he will, but he does not.

Last night, he said he has it too easy. He said I am too easy on him, and I should divorce him. He said some day, someone who works for a living will pull me away from him, and he won't stop it. I asked him what he thinks should be done about that. He said I should just ask him "Honey, will you do a load of laundry for me today? Hunny, will you mow the lawn today?" etc.

Now, I quit asking because I know half the time it will not get done, so why bother? All that will happen is I will expect something to get done, and get upset it wasn't. Well anyways... .I gave it shot. I told him this morning I'd like for him to make his doctor's appointment today. He said ok. At lunch, I texted him and I didn't want to say "did you make an appointment yet?" because I was sure that would make him react badly. So, I texted "Let me know when you have that appointment made today so I can let my boss know. If you would like, I will go with you."

His reply was "uh. Yeah... .I'm not doing that today."


... .*primal screams*

So in a nutshell... .he's depressed because he doesn't do anything, then says I need to make him do more and ask him more. When I do... .he doesn't do it anyways. I'm looking up the definition of insanity... .and this is it right here.

I didn't respond to his text. I'm not sure how to handle this. He's not a kid I can ground to his room for misbehaving... .but there has to be some sort of consequences when things are not done, so we can keep moving forward. Isn't there? Or am I looking at this all wrong?

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[formflier]

I didn't respond to his text. I'm not sure how to handle this. He's not a kid I can ground to his room for misbehaving... .but there has to be some sort of consequences when things are not done, so we can keep moving forward. Isn't there? Or am I looking at this all wrong?

OK... .on most issues... .I would not suggest this... .but... .we all know... .he needs medical care... .

I'm thinking that you get home... .and do a "help me understand the decision to tell me you would call... .and then not call... ."

Validate... .listen... .

Next step... .make sure you are around to hand him the phone... .dial for him... .drive him to appointment desk... .whatever.

Yeah... .ultimately... .you don't control him... .

But... .there is no requirement for you to do things for him either... .if he wont do them for himself... .(I hope you don't have to go there... .but I see no other leverage... .)

FF

[ColdEthyl]

I didn't respond to his text. I'm not sure how to handle this. He's not a kid I can ground to his room for misbehaving... .but there has to be some sort of consequences when things are not done, so we can keep moving forward. Isn't there? Or am I looking at this all wrong?

OK... .on most issues... .I would not suggest this... .but... .we all know... .he needs medical care... .

I'm thinking that you get home... .and do a "help me understand the decision to tell me you would call... .and then not call... ."

Validate... .listen... .

Next step... .make sure you are around to hand him the phone... .dial for him... .drive him to appointment desk... .whatever.

Yeah... .ultimately... .you don't control him... .

But... .there is no requirement for you to do things for him either... .if he wont do them for himself... .(I hope you don't have to go there... .but I see no other leverage... .)

FF

*SIGH* That's what I was afraid of.

I don't have a problem doing for him because this is important but I can't. He has to go to Indian Health clinics, and his chart needs to be updated with his tribal cards before they will make an appointment, and I cannot do that for him. Any other doctor... .I could easily. I don't know if trying to explain to the IHS that he's mentally ill will help at all. I might even need power of attorney over him. Perhaps that's something I might want to consider for the future.

Grrr. Stupid BPD.

[maxsterling]

EGAD - sounds like my W.  Last weekend she insisted I stop doing things around the house (like clean up the yard) because I was rubbing it in her face that I was capable of doing things while she was in bed depressed.  Last night, one of her rants was that I never ask her to do anything, and that is why I am stressed out.  Grr.  To me, the stress is that I would even have to ask her to do basic things like sweep the floor or take out the trash when it is full.    So I can just see the scenario:

[calls me up at work]

W:  "Honey, I don't know what to do with myself."

me: "Why not straighten the house up a bit or find something to cook for dinner tonight?"

W:  "I guess so."

And then I come home, she won't have gotten anything done, and then she will blame me for "forcing" her to do it.  In MC last night (a session where I endured an hour of abuse), she adamantly declared her independence and ability to take care of herself.  In the very next breath, she described us as being on a ship and that I don't know how to steer the ship.  MC asked if that is the role she wanted of me, to steer the ship and tell her what to do, and she said "yes".   

?

[ColdEthyl]

EGAD - sounds like my W.  Last weekend she insisted I stop doing things around the house (like clean up the yard) because I was rubbing it in her face that I was capable of doing things while she was in bed depressed.  Last night, one of her rants was that I never ask her to do anything, and that is why I am stressed out.  Grr.  To me, the stress is that I would even have to ask her to do basic things like sweep the floor or take out the trash when it is full.    So I can just see the scenario:

[calls me up at work]

W:  "Honey, I don't know what to do with myself."

me: "Why not straighten the house up a bit or find something to cook for dinner tonight?"

W:  "I guess so."

And then I come home, she won't have gotten anything done, and then she will blame me for "forcing" her to do it.  In MC last night (a session where I endured an hour of abuse), she adamantly declared her independence and ability to take care of herself.  In the very next breath, she described us as being on a ship and that I don't know how to steer the ship.  MC asked if that is the role she wanted of me, to steer the ship and tell her what to do, and she said "yes".   

?

YES! This is my insanity! He wants me to take charge... .be more assertive... .but he still in essence tells me to get bent. What am I supposed to do? Bend him over my knee for not listening? Drag him out of the bed by his hair? Get pissed off and scream at him as if THAT will help?

[ColdEthyl]

And now he's texting me sarcastic crap like would I stop and bring him home a drink because he's worked so hard today. I asked him what he was up to, he said commenting on forums all day his back hurts. He's deep into the self-loathing right now. Ugh. And no... .I'm not doing it.

[vortex of confusion]

I feel bad because this thread made me laugh. If I didn't laugh, I would cry. I have had the same experiences with him saying that he wants me to remind him and take charge, blah, blah, blah only to forget to get around to it or have some other excuse as to why it hasn't gotten done.

Last night, he finally opened and used the brand new mop that he asked me to get at Christmas time. Yes, you read that right. He told me he was going to mop the floor for me and wanted a new mop at Christmas time. Here it is 6 months later and he finally got around to it. And he did a crappy job of it to boot. I can't help but laugh at the ridiculousness of it.

On the medical stuff, would it be possible to say something like, "Here is the deal, you can get the stuff taken care of so you can go to the doctor or I will take you to the emergency room." I had a medical situation with my husband a couple of years ago where he was clearly not healthy. He was dropping weight, his eyes changed, and he was going to the bathroom all of the time. Classic signs of diabetes. I encouraged him to get a tester. He did that but then he told me he didn't know how to get it to work. He could make it work. The problem was that his blood sugar was so high that it didn't register. Long story short is that I told my friend about it, she successfully scared the crap out of him enough that he let me take him to the ER where he could get diagnosed and get on diabetes meds. Heck, if you have to do some google searching of his symptoms and scare him like you would a little kid, I am not opposed to that, especially if it works.

[ColdEthyl]

Haha don't worry VoC, there's a lot of things I laugh to avoid crying about

We did talk last night. He said he's battling with himself because he's afraid of what they might find. His hypochondria is making him NOT want to go. I can't really scare him into it... .he's already scared himself and digging his heels in. Last night, he was saying he will do it for me. He's scared to death but he will go for me. I think I am actually getting close to getting his butt in. Of course, it's still a one step froward... .two steps back situation.

[maxsterling]

Hmm.  Did someone say "mop"?  LOL!  Had the same experience.  W claimed she could not clean the floor because I did not own a Swiffer to clean the floor with.  So I got one.  She still did not clean the floor, complained that I got the wrong kind.  So I got the other kind.  I think she has attempted to use it once, declared it to not work well, complained about it, and that was it. 

Real issue is that she is like a child who doesn't want to clean her room.  And she will find every excuse as to why she can't.  I know, I was that child.  I told my mom I could not clean my room because:

-brother's stuff was in the way

-someone else was using the cleaning supplies

-couldn't find xyz needed to clean

-needed to wait for some kind of box to become available to put my things in... .

W is the same way.  I've heard her complain that she can't clean because something is actually too messy!

[formflier]

W is the same way.  I've heard her complain that she can't clean because something is actually too messy!

Not much more to say about that.

Hey Max... .I saw your last thread got locked.  I think we should start a new thread to discuss pros and cons of you being involved with your wife's P and T... .lots of way to look at it.  Still debating it myself... .

FF

[formflier]

 

When my wife gets in the mood... .she is a fierce cleaning machine.  Will crank up her sharp tongue... .get kids and me hoppin... .it is a scene to behold.

But... .if she gets in alternate mood... .she will sit on couch... .stare at TV and let life go on around her.  Literally will not look or speak to anyone... .

FF

[ColdEthyl]

Hmm.  Did someone say "mop"?  LOL!  Had the same experience.  W claimed she could not clean the floor because I did not own a Swiffer to clean the floor with.  So I got one.  She still did not clean the floor, complained that I got the wrong kind.  So I got the other kind.  I think she has attempted to use it once, declared it to not work well, complained about it, and that was it. 

Real issue is that she is like a child who doesn't want to clean her room.  And she will find every excuse as to why she can't.  I know, I was that child.  I told my mom I could not clean my room because:

-brother's stuff was in the way

-someone else was using the cleaning supplies

-couldn't find xyz needed to clean

-needed to wait for some kind of box to become available to put my things in... .

W is the same way.  I've heard her complain that she can't clean because something is actually too messy!

rofl! H will come up with things like that. It's to avoid doing the thing he doesn't want to. He also has quite a bit preconceived notions of how things are supposed to be, and goes based on that regardless if another method is faster, easier, etc.

The thing that comes to mind atm is we have been together for 6 years. I like photography, and when you take photo shots, you take a lot for various reasons. Angles, colors, etc etc

To this day, he still comments that real photographers don't "take a bunch of pictures and keep good ones" which in fact... .they do. They all do. My stepmother does weddings and will take 400 or so, and show the client about 50. It's how it's done. No matter how much 'proof' he's shown, his preconceived notion takes precedence.

[maxsterling]

and here we go again... .

W got into another text message fight with a friend.  I saw this one coming.  I think this is about the 12th friend that this has happened with in 2 years.  She went to her AA sponsor's house, and it helped her calm down.  Now she says she doesn't know what to do with herself, especially tonight when I go to an Al-anon meeting.  I take it she wants me to tell her what to do, otherwise why is she bringing it up?

I just can't relate.  I've never been bored in my life.  She has the whole afternoon and evening.  She can do whatever she wants. 

[ColdEthyl]

and here we go again... .

W got into another text message fight with a friend.  I saw this one coming.  I think this is about the 12th friend that this has happened with in 2 years.  She went to her AA sponsor's house, and it helped her calm down.  Now she says she doesn't know what to do with herself, especially tonight when I go to an Al-anon meeting.  I take it she wants me to tell her what to do, otherwise why is she bringing it up?

I just can't relate.  I've never been bored in my life.  She has the whole afternoon and evening.  She can do whatever she wants. 

*nods* My H doesn't have friends. The last one he had was a drunk and they would drink and fight and drink and fight... .the last encounter ended with him getting a knot on his head and his shoulder dislocated and in turn he put a sledgehammer through his friend's TV.

I would say it's better if he doesn't have any friends than me and family. He went through this whole mopey thing after they quit contacting each other. He still will mention how much he misses this friend... .but uh huh. No way. Not going back down that road. That friend after NC for 2 years messaged me a week or 2 ago saying congratulations to me on our wedding. I asked on here if I should tell him, the consensus was I should not. I kept my mouth shut. If I did tell him, this crap would start all over again. 

[Cat Familiar]

Real issue is that she is like a child who doesn't want to clean her room.  And she will find every excuse as to why she can't.  I know, I was that child.  I told my mom I could not clean my room because:

-brother's stuff was in the way

-someone else was using the cleaning supplies

-couldn't find xyz needed to clean

-needed to wait for some kind of box to become available to put my things in... .

W is the same way.  I've heard her complain that she can't clean because something is actually too messy!

Yep. Husband can't clean his studio because he's got too much stuff (which he keeps buying--nearly every day a package or a giant stack of magazines is delivered).

[AlwaysFrustrated]

Well this has been my method which has worked pretty well.  I am an independent person and as you said the W is can be unreliable.  If I do not ask her to do anything for me it triggers her abandonment fears. She will say, "I rely on you for everything and you don't rely on me for anything. You wouldn't even notice if I wasn't here".  But, If I give her something to do and later ask her about it she will get very upset.  Mainly projecting the fact that she is angry with herself for not doing it.

My answer has been, ask once then never ask again and do it your self.  Also I have some extra clothes that I let her clean. That way she feels she is doing something for me. But I don't really care if they get done.

[ColdEthyl]

Well this has been my method which has worked pretty well.  I am an independent person and as you said the W is can be unreliable.  If I do not ask her to do anything for me it triggers her abandonment fears. She will say, "I rely on you for everything and you don't rely on me for anything. You wouldn't even notice if I wasn't here".  But, If I give her something to do and later ask her about it she will get very upset.  Mainly projecting the fact that she is angry with herself for not doing it.

My answer has been, ask once then never ask again and do it your self.  Also I have some extra clothes that I let her clean. That way she feels she is doing something for me. But I don't really care if they get done.

I've started to do this. I've gotten a lot of relief by just not expecting him to do anything. I'm still trying to get him to help for himself, though. He feels bad about not doing anything... .but still won't do it.