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Author Topic: I don't know why I stay, there must be something wrong with me.  (Read 351 times)
Pacific

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4


« on: May 05, 2015, 10:57:46 PM »

I met my SO online and traveled very far to be with him. When we were chatting he told me that he "might" have BPD but he wasn't sure. I did a bit of research but I didn't understand the full spectrum of reality.

When I arrived it was great, for a week. Then came the mood swings and the self deprecating, self harm, drugs and the other woman. It turned out he hadn't gotten over his ex.

I'm in my early 20's and I didn't know how to process what was going on. We had planned so many wonderful things and none of them came to pass. I felt like I was to blame because he was the one who was unhappy, I must be the problem. He's the first boy I've ever had committed feelings for, he was my first time, and I've traveled such a long way to be with him. I was thousands of miles away from home and I had no resources or friends or anywhere to go. I felt very alone.

He would do the push and pull, I would go to leave but he would want me back. He would yell at me and tease me when he wasn't feeling well. He'd blame me, saying he had warned me before I came that he might act this way. He said I didn't listen well, that I didn't understand him. I analyzed my every move adapted my self to work better with how he was feeling that day. I was completely locked in to the web. I stayed calm, did my research, tried to listen with an empathetic ear and hear what he was meaning rather than what he was saying. But it seems like the more I do to understand him and make life easier for him the more he takes advantage of me.

His disordered relationship with his ex is too much for me to handle, he loves her, he hates her. She happens to be BPD too. We've decided to be friends but it's difficult when we live together currently and I want to be more than friends.  He's take advantage of my desire for more, but on his own time. He encourages me to see other people but if ever I make the steps to even comprehend seeing other people he expresses hurt or guilt trips me.

I am learning to set up boundaries and try not to respond unless he's being reasonable and meets me half way... .or a quarter of the way... .or even looks at me when I'm talking. But I worry it's too late, I'm too much of a people pleaser. I feel unloving if I don't respond to him. If he's feeling lonely and self deprecating he'll seek me out in the house and dramatically show me just how miserable he is (by hitting himself in the head, or mopping, or laying in front of me whilst giving me the silent treatment) or he'll take it out on me by picking a fight. He knows how to get under my skin and will often seek me out just to annoy me. I try very hard not to respond and when I don't respond he asks me why I'm being cold. I am working at it, it just feel like an endless battle. I worry he's not actually interest in me, he doesn't want to listen to anything I have to say. Doesn't care about my small talk, or interests. I feel like I'm giving up myself to be with him and he doesn't care.

He doesn't really genuinely enjoy my company most days he just uses me not to be lonely I think. And I'm worried that I can't handle the emotional abuse anymore. I can't find joy in the things we use to do and I feel like I'm baby sitting more than anything else. I'm his personal punching bag. I feel horrible about myself and wonder if I could possibly have a healthy relationship with anyone else.

I don't know what's wrong with me that I stay.
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waverider
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2015, 09:22:46 AM »

Welcome

Hi Pacific, sorry to hear you moved such a long way only to have things go wrong so quick.

You are not the first to find yourself in such a situation, many of us find ourselves in the same predicament even after years.

What is wrong with you? Don't blame yourself to much, most of us have never been tested that much before so we haven't needed to build a  really strong sense of self. But that is what we need if we are to take back control of our lives, whether we stay or go.

Getting your life back on to your terms rather than a futile attempt to appease someone else I think is where you need to put your efforts. As long as he has traits of this disorder he will always lead a chaotic, confusing and dysfunctional life. To stay involved you have to learn to live along side it rather than be carried along with it in a vain hope you may stop it.

It is a long hard slog that will take a major personality change on your part. To commit to that you need to make sure you have a good reason to do so.

Waverider
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  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Ceruleanblue
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1343



« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2015, 09:21:10 PM »

I've felt many of the same sentiments that you have now. When you are with someone with BPD, it often feels like you are really just a convenient target, and they want you there just for when they need you. It's not you, it's the BPD behaviors. Sometimes I'd even start to question if it was me. My husband is now diagnosed, and is in DBT therapy. It's still push/pull, and some highs and lows though. I'm hoping to get to a place that some here have, where there is more good than bad.

Hang in there. There is a lot to learn here.
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thefixermom
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 168


« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2015, 11:36:30 PM »

This brings back so many memories of a past life I had with a boyfriend for 5 years.  Finally, a desire for a different existence strengthened in me enough that when an opportunity to move out of state over 1,000 miles away, I jumped at it.  It was rough, too, as I was clearly addicted to this BPD man and living a very miserable existence that eroded my self esteem, robbed me of many opportunities, too, because he was always insecure or telling me what I should do and even trying to get me to solve his problems with other people.  Took me several months after I moved to find myself again and it was so worth it.  I look back at him now and wonder what I ever saw in him. It makes me shudder.    You are staying with him still because there's something in it for you.  Despite all the complaints and unhappiness, you don't have to get out and discover your strengths and take risks.  Maybe it's because you have more financial security with him.  Maybe it feeds some similar relationship that you suffered with in your family of origin.   In my case, my ex BPD boyfriend had some similarities to a brother of mine who died young.  I think that was my hook.  But I realized my late brother would never have wanted me to put up with the games, the cheating, the broken promises, the depression and put downs that flew my way on a regular basis.  I was a naturally smiling and happy, confident young woman going into this relationship, or so I thought, and by the time 5 years had flown by, I was insecure, prone to crying, easy to control and had learned to be manipulative to survive.  I missed my old self.  She's back now and I will never give her away like that again.  Hang in there and at some point you will outgrow the emotional tug of war and see that all the charm and attraction this person seems to hold over you is really very unfulfilling and shallow.  You will face your fear of getting over him... .and be so glad you did. But you have to walk through it to get where you want to be. 
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