How do we rescue the relationship? How do we focus the conversation?
The answer mostly lies in ourselves, our focus, our boundaries preventing us going down bunny trails .
So this morning I told my uBPDw that I wanted people (mostly my step-kids friends) to not just walk into our house.
So you want something to happen and you approached her. And what do you want specifically from her? The way you went about is to bring up the problem and launch in a problem solving discussion. It is a good way to take someone along and get buy in. But you also can loose her on the way as she struggles to focus.
A different approach would be to think about the problem, come up with a solution and selling that to her. Yes, it is a shared problem but that does not mean you can't take the ownership for proposing a solution.
D.E.A.R.M.A.N. - Marsha Linehan, MD published the DEARMAN in 1993 as part of her DBT training manual.I've read Walking on Eggshells & The High Conflict Couple... .I don't remember this approach.
D= Describe the current situation. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to. Stick to the facts.
Easy, any and all friends of the step-kids walk into our house instead of knocking and being let in.
E= Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.
We're a blended family, got married in 2010. she's owned the house since 1986. I've expresses many times, in many ways, that the house does not feel like mine. Before we got married I agreed to wait until the youngest child was in high school before beginning the process of moving. That was 3 years ago. If she doesn't know my thoughts/feelings it's because she's worked very hard not to know... .
A= Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.
Not sure if this isn't a repeat, maybe I didn't express how hard it was... .
R= Reinforce the reward to the person ahead of time. Tell the person the positive effects of getting what you want or need. Help the person feel good ahead of time for doing what you want.
LOL, "I'll be happier" I don't think would make much of an impact. I've already changed the timetable of our moving, so saying I won't push it for a few years I don't think would cut it since her compaining/nagging has already accomplished that.
M= Mindfully keep your focus on your objectives. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted.
Future, if there's a payoff this may enter into it.
A= Appear Confident. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating, saying “I’m not sure,” etc.
Not a problem, no noticeable impact.
N= Negotiate by being willing to give to get. Offer and ask for alternative solutions to the problem. What am I willing to “settle for” or “give up” in order to gain what I want in the situation?
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I'll try the alternative solutions (maybe girl-friends have special privileges). She just tried negotiating (BPD style) this up this morning, saying her letting the kids friends walk in is like me reading books that I want (that may contain female characters she has to 'compete' with... .totally different thread... .)
Of course for 5 years I haven't constantly complained even though things weren't my way. She complains 5-10 times per week about any and everything to do with reading. If I ever thought she'd follow through I'd gladly let anyone walk into our house if I could occasionally read without the constant harassment... .but how do you negotiate with someone when you don't believe she'll follow through with any agreement?
Keeping the discussion on track is not trivial and the "M" in DEARMAN acknowledges that. Can you imagine formulating your approach along the lines of DEARMAN?