Standing Firm In Her Raging Storm...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Here is my previous thread... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=275922.0

My "party line" statements had a recommended usage model, which perhaps I didn't make clear:

If she brings up finance/divorce/other crap, and projects crap onto you. (you don't see her kids events... .because she doesn't tell you, and she leaves that out.)... .here is the program:

Tell your truth. ONCE. Then stop talking about it. Hang up or go home if you have to; you probably will at first. (That is how you don't take the bait!)

Your goal is NOT to convince her of anything... .other than that you won't get into an argument over it with her, and that you don't buy her stated positions. If you try to convince her any of these things... .you lose... .badly.

The more consistent you are, the sooner she will give up on picking these fights with you--she will realize that it is the same as hanging up on you when she turns this into a fight, and it doesn't get her anything she wants.

Most of the time I am very good at bypassing these things now.  She knows how/when to push my buttons and that is very frustrating at times.  I have a hard time trying not to reason with the unreasonable when I am triggered.  

What Grey Kitty says^^^ State your position once and only once. (This does not apply if she is already off the rails. There is no point in stating your opinion at all if that happens.)

Do NOT allow yourself to get sidelined onto another topic. This is the hardest thing to do. In the heat of the moment, you don't notice they just shifted gears because you get busy defending yourself. They KNOW this.

It is extremely hard to do, especially when I am trying to have a "big boy" conversation and all she is doing is trying to trigger me with crap, projections and bringing up what she knows I don't want to talk about.

The best thing you can do is just detach yourself from  what they say.  If you can pretend they are speaking about some third party, not you, then you can weigh the validity of what they are saying and respond accordingly. Basically, don't take it personally. It feels personal, but it really isn't. It's about them and their problems, not you. You have to decide what is best for you, and if you don't want to talk divorce with her, don't. Your life, your choice.

I am getting better at this, but it is still frustrating in the moment at times.  I know I'm human, can't be perfect and not trying to be.  I have a hard time with getting it inside that they believe their own lies at times.  The level of deception in their life at times is astounding.  Sometimes I feel like there is no depth that she'll stoop to remain in control and yet her life is out of control!

[MaroonLiquid]

Here is my previous thread... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=275922.0

My "party line" statements had a recommended usage model, which perhaps I didn't make clear:

If she brings up finance/divorce/other crap, and projects crap onto you. (you don't see her kids events... .because she doesn't tell you, and she leaves that out.)... .here is the program:

Tell your truth. ONCE. Then stop talking about it. Hang up or go home if you have to; you probably will at first. (That is how you don't take the bait!)

Your goal is NOT to convince her of anything... .other than that you won't get into an argument over it with her, and that you don't buy her stated positions. If you try to convince her any of these things... .you lose... .badly.

The more consistent you are, the sooner she will give up on picking these fights with you--she will realize that it is the same as hanging up on you when she turns this into a fight, and it doesn't get her anything she wants.

Most of the time I am very good at bypassing these things now.  She knows how/when to push my buttons and that is very frustrating at times.  I have a hard time trying not to reason with the unreasonable when I am triggered.  

What Grey Kitty says^^^ State your position once and only once. (This does not apply if she is already off the rails. There is no point in stating your opinion at all if that happens.)

Do NOT allow yourself to get sidelined onto another topic. This is the hardest thing to do. In the heat of the moment, you don't notice they just shifted gears because you get busy defending yourself. They KNOW this.

It is extremely hard to do, especially when I am trying to have a "big boy" conversation and all she is doing is trying to trigger me with crap, projections and bringing up what she knows I don't want to talk about.

The best thing you can do is just detach yourself from  what they say.  If you can pretend they are speaking about some third party, not you, then you can weigh the validity of what they are saying and respond accordingly. Basically, don't take it personally. It feels personal, but it really isn't. It's about them and their problems, not you. You have to decide what is best for you, and if you don't want to talk divorce with her, don't. Your life, your choice.

I am getting better at this, but it is still frustrating in the moment at times.  I know I'm human, can't be perfect and not trying to be.  I have a hard time with getting it inside that they believe their own lies at times.  The level of deception in their life at times is astounding.  Sometimes I feel like there is no depth that she'll stoop to remain in control and yet her life is out of control!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

Often the best thing you can do when triggered is get away, quickly. Sortof like the Hippocratic Oath: First do no harm.

I've gone out the door, trying not to shout and trying not to slam the door saying "If I stay here any longer, I'll say something I'll regret."

Try to be aware that your buttons are being pushed, and nothing good will come of it, and get out/hang up... .before you explode like a JADEing volcano   

[Hmcbart]

Try to be aware that your buttons are being pushed, and nothing good will come of it, and get out/hang up... .before you explode like a JADEing volcano   

Like a JADEing volcano. I resemble that phrase so much.

[MaroonLiquid]

Try to be aware that your buttons are being pushed, and nothing good will come of it, and get out/hang up... .before you explode like a JADEing volcano  

Like a JADEing volcano. I resemble that phrase so much.

Exactly the way I used to be, especially before I found this place.  It takes a lot of self control and restraint to not be.  Amazing how when you don't know what the deal is with them, you think they will "wake up" and stop so you keep throwing truth at them.  I used to think to myself, "You know the effing truth so why the heck won't you just admit it?"  One realization I have come to is that they push us (slowly and over a long period of time) to lose control so that they can blame us for everything they are guilty of (my wife accusing me of throwing her up against a wall when it was her who punched me in the face and I pushed her away to get her off of me and claimed that she did it in self defense  ) .  That way they can always claim victim status, it's always someone else's fault and keeps them from accepting any responsibility.  Then they can say, "You weren't the person I thought you were." when in actuality it's them who put up the facade.

My wife and I haven't spoken on text since our convo the other day except yesterday I asked if our daughter wanted to play in a pick up game with my other daughters.  We haven't talked at all today and my ex wife said she was meeting my wife her to get our daughter to Ride to practice with them.  I find that hilarious because she hates my ex wife.  Weird... .

[MaroonLiquid]

The double-standard in pwBPD is ridiculous.  At the end of softball practice tonight, my wife shows up to pick up our daughter and gets out of the car.  She goes out of her way to speak to my son and my ex-wife (who she has hated for mistreating me... .go figure), but yet doesn't speak to me.  As I was leaving, I said bye to my kids and my wife's kids.  As I was walking off (I didn't speak to her as she hasn't spoken to me), she turned and yelled, "Seriously?" in front of other parents.  I turned and looked, but I didn't say anything and walked to my car.  It's nuts how she can not speak to me and yet I don't and I'm the bad guy... .

[Grey Kitty]

Well, at least she spoke to you. 

[MaroonLiquid]

Well, at least she spoke to you. 

Right?   

[formflier]

 

Question:  What is the divorce timeline?  Assuming she is telling her lawyer to press ahead.  Assuming you keep playing ball.

Here is the thing... .if the timeline is getting close to being over.  Or a major milestone coming up... .that could be one of the triggers.

Just a thought... .


FF

[MaroonLiquid]

Question:  What is the divorce timeline? 

Well, she texted the day before yesterday and said she was going to tell her lawyer to finalize the decree, which I didn't respond to.  First, I think she was trying to bait me.  Second, I would have to agree to the decree.  When I don't we would have to go to mediation. 

Assuming she is telling her lawyer to press ahead.  Assuming you keep playing ball.

Here is the thing... .if the timeline is getting close to being over.  Or a major milestone coming up... .that could be one of the triggers.

Just a thought... .


FF

     That could be true.  Technically, if we were to "come to an agreement" (which I don't agree), the divorce "COULD" be final on the 22nd.  She knows if I don't agree, it will have to go to mediation which will cost her money.  It has crossed my mind that she may be starting to feel the pressure and weight of all this.  She doesn't see me down in the dumps or beside myself.  Instead, I'm smiling and not playing her game.  Our daughters will be playing softball the whole summer together, and then will play on my select team together after All-Stars.     

     I am sure she is surprised I've dug my heels in this long.  Knowing how much I've hung in and didn't want a divorce, I think she thought I would fold by now and give in to whatever her demands were.  In that conversation on the phone the other day, she said, "You haven't once in the last 10 months asked what you could do to fix our relationship."  That comment has stuck with me because it seems she is really bothered that I haven't groveled and begged for her back.  I haven't given her that power.  At first, I thought to myself, "I'm the one doing the trying and you are doing the breaking."  I responded with, "Ok, what can I do to fix our relationship?"  She responded, "It's too late."  NO WIN... .Regardless, I'm still at peace.  She also hates it when I don't speak to her.  She HATES it.

[Cat Familiar]

Congratulations for keeping your dignity intact. It is incredibly challenging to not take the bait. And yes the BPD double standard is mind-boggling!

[MaroonLiquid]

Congratulations for keeping your dignity intact. It is incredibly challenging to not take the bait. And yes the BPD double standard is mind-boggling!

Thanks!  It's been hard at times.  Sometimes I want to lash out, but don't.  Last night after she said, "Seriously?", I started to feel bad for not saying, "Hello" to her in the first place, but said to myself, "Wait a minute!  She expected me to do what she was unwilling to.  Why should I always be the first to say anything?"  Did I say hello to the kids?  Yes, because I want them to know I love them, but I don't owe her anything and I don't deserve to be ignored either.  Her favorite saying is, "You expect of others what you are unwilling to do."  Amazing how that is about herself.

[MaroonLiquid]

I am feeling a little anxiety today.  I don't know why except maybe there is some guilt there that I feel about last night.  Obviously she was not happy that I didn't say bye to her.  I'm thinking I did it in part to get back at her for ignoring me, as well as to show her that 2 can play that game.  I guess that's pretty childish for stooping to her level.  I'm just trying to sit with it, but also hate feeling like I may have hurt her.  I also am trying to figure out if it is bothering me because she made a big deal out of it in front of others (making me look bad) when I didn't say a word to her aout ignoring me.

[MaroonLiquid]

Last night, after our game, my wife and I were talking and she was playfully flirting with me when I was trying to get a cupcake out of a box.  It was pleasant and no conrontation.  I texted my wife this morning to see if she wanted to ride to the softball tournament together... .ANNNNND... .No response... .

[KateCat]

Do you ever feel that this pattern is the essence of your relationship with your wife? (Kind of like a short, "haiku" representation of the dynamics you've experienced throughout the marriage?)

Maybe all she can offer you is these short bursts of pleasant interaction.

What if you never followed up by proposing more interaction? Would that give her a feeling of control and comfort?

What if her kids were grown and living independently? (Just asking because this will happen in a few years, won't it?) Do you think there could be a future for the two of you in a time beyond the present frustrating pattern?

[Grey Kitty]

I've got a thought for you about divorce... .

She's mostly using it as a game to get your goat.

She may actually get divorced for that reason, expecting you to 'blink' first.

Anyhow... .a possible solution is to believe what her lawyer sends you, and not what she tells you in person about divorce. (No need to tell her this... .just don't do much of anything to act on her words not through the lawyer)

What do you think?

[formflier]

Would it work for him to stop discussing the divorce altogether with her?

"My lawyer has advised me to have all legal discussions flow through him... ."


Boy... .if you wanted to kick it up a notch... .

"The divorce is getting in the way of our r/s... .I feel bad about it.  All divorce issues will need to be sent through my lawyer... ."

That's a bit more satisfying... .but I would bet it would be triggering for her.

Hmm... .

FF

[formflier]

 

How much has actually been sent to you from her lawyer?

How much has your lawyer actually sent hers... .?

Just trying to get an idea of how much is talk... .and how much actual action there has been.

FF

[MaroonLiquid]

Do you ever feel that this pattern is the essence of your relationship with your wife? (Kind of like a short, "haiku" representation of the dynamics you've experienced throughout the marriage?)

Maybe all she can offer you is these short bursts of pleasant interaction.

I'm starting to think at this time, maybe that is all she can give.  She is on one end of the spectrum with me all the time.  The more and more I see it, the more I understand the depth of her unhelathiness.  That is why I'm so much more even keel in my emotions now because I see it isn't my issue... .

What if you never followed up by proposing more interaction?

Do you mean never starting ANY interaction with her or do you mean romantic interaction.

Would that give her a feeling of control and comfort?

Probably... .She is definitely a control freak!

What if her kids were grown and living independently? (Just asking because this will happen in a few years, won't it?) Do you think there could be a future for the two of you in a time beyond the present frustrating pattern?

Funny you should ask this.  Her oldest son (turns 18 in July and will be a senior next year) is nowhere near ready to live on his own and is already planning to go to Community College for 2 years and live at home.  Her oldest daughter wants to "move out of state" and go to college.  She wants to "be famous".  She is a brilliant kid, but I see this as her wanting to get away from her mom.  I get it, but it scares me as her mom has drilled it in to them by her behavior that they can't trust men.  One thing I find a little strange is the kids are starting to take turns sleeping in her bed with her.  I know this is not uncommon for pwBPD, but that is unhealthy.  I just don't even say anything.  To actually answer the question, I think there could be a future outside this pattern.  

I've got a thought for you about divorce... .

She's mostly using it as a game to get your goat.

She may actually get divorced for that reason, expecting you to 'blink' first.

Anyhow... .a possible solution is to believe what her lawyer sends you, and not what she tells you in person about divorce. (No need to tell her this... .just don't do much of anything to act on her words not through the lawyer)

What do you think?

That is basically the tactic I'm taking.  Most of her "pointed" stuff is to get a rise out of me, which I don't let her have that.  It's weird, when she says it, it's almost like I don't care, or that I'm hearing it from a completely different person.

    This weekend was rather interesting at times... .Our girls had an All-Star softball tournament and took 2nd place.  I'm not coaching this team as I am starting a select team right after All-Stars is over.  Friday, we had some exhibition games and her and I chatted and sat together.  She told me that our daughter wasn't sure she was going to play for my select team.     Been down this road before.  I asked her why.  She said because you are "too hard on the girls" and it "isn't fun".  Basically, our daughter is mad because I hold my players accountable for their behavior.  I told her, "I won't apologize for having high standards for my players.  They either play at a high level or I will replace them with someone who will.  My goal is to have them play at the college level if that is what they want (which they have all expressed it), but it will require them to be dedicated."  Our daughter doesn't like to be held to the same high standards and blames everyone else for her issues (starting to be just like her mom).  Later in the weekend I would be validated and will explain in a moment.  We shared some food and after the two games I went back to my apartment.  She texted and asked if I could pick up her youngest and another girl on the team and take them to the field with me as she had to take the middle daughter to a college prep testing center and would come to the field after the game.  I told her that wasn't a problem.  

    First, I went to my son's baseball game first and then my oldest daughter rode with us.  Saturday was a relatively good day.  We sat together during the games, talked and she told me she "is making her oldest son go live with his dad."     .  Knowing that would never happen (can't even get a hold of him and he doesn't call them), I asked her what happened and validated some of her feelings regarding his behavior.  I asked if she wanted to get some dinner on the way home and she said, "Are you going to sign the divorce decree?"  I thought, "Where TF did that come from?"  I'm learning that 2+2=5 to them.  Anyway, I didn't even respond and concentrated on "scoring" the game.  She said, "Why won't you talk about the divorce?"  I said, "I won't talk about it here" and changed the subject.  She never brought it up again.  As I was saying about our daughter and her "possibly not playing for me", here is where I was validated.  In the games the previous night, our daughter struck out twice.  In the games this day, she struck out twice again (leaving a total of 7 runners on base in six games) and barely played and my oldest played the position that her youngest thinks "is hers" (1st base).  This was interesting.  Her daughter sat the four "bracket" games while my oldest played brilliantly at first (her favorite position, second is pitcher) and my wife asked me, "Why do you think our daughter is on the bench (keep in mind my youngest has barely gotten to play either but she is 11 playing with a bunch of 12-13 year olds)?"  I said, "Truthfully, she plays with no sense of urgency, no hustle, a sense of entitlement that positions are "hers", doesn't practice hard, and doesn't want to put in the work."  You should have seen her face!    She just nodded her head and said, "thank you for telling me that."  I think she was in a place that she could receive it because a different coach was doing this and not her dad/coach and could no longer blame me.  I told her that I've said before that my oldest plays a heck of a first base and she said, "Yes she does.  I had just never seen her play there before."  (not true, my daughter played there in All-Stars last year).  Our daughter asked on the way home why she isn't playing.  My wife flat out was honest with her.  I was shocked!  She told our daughter on the way home that her sister out hustles her, outplays her, and she strikes out everytime at the plate.  If she wasn't going to put in more effort, then why does she expect to be on the field?"  The girls won their first two games and didn't have to play again till yesterday morning in the semis and we agreed to ride together.  

    The next morning, I went to her house so we could ride together and my wife asked me, "What do you think about me being a dugout assistant for the select team?"  I said, "That's an interesting thought.  I'm not totally opposed to it.  We can definitely discuss it."  We got to the fields and we set up camp.  After my assistant and I warmed the girls up to get ready to play, we watched their first game.  Again, her daughter was sitting the bench.  :)uring the first game, my wife yelled at our daughter when she struck out looking with the bases loaded and 2 outs.  She said, "Get the d&mn bat off the shoulder!  I'm tired of that crap!"  In her defense, I'm tired of it too, but I realize why she does it.  If she strikes out looking, she can blame the umps and say it was a bad call where if she swings and misses, it's on her.     I tapped her on the back because I could tell it was going bad if I didn't.  She sat down and was steaming.  I think she is starting to realize that I'm not the problem regarding our daughter.  I didn't say anything.  A few minutes later, she raised her voice to me and I calmly said, ":)o not speak to me that way."  She didn't do it again.  We got home and then we ate dinner.  She was looking at her Facebook page and wanted to "show me something".  She passed over her name and she had taken my last name off of her page.  She did it twice trying to bait me and I didn't bite.  I acted like I didn't notice.  We watched TV together in the living room and held each other.  It got late and I went home and went to bed.  All in all, it was a pretty good weekend.

How much has actually been sent to you from her lawyer?

How much has your lawyer actually sent hers... .?

Just trying to get an idea of how much is talk... .and how much actual action there has been.

FF

I have gotten nothing else from her lawyer and therefore I have no sense of urgency about this thing at all... .

[formflier]

She said, "Why won't you talk about the divorce?"  I said, "I won't talk about it here" and changed the subject.  She never brought it up again.  

High five... .fist bump... .and a big smack on your rear!     


I think this works... .keep it up.

The issue is... .you need to come up with answer... .for when she asks properly... ."where can we speak about it... .?"

If she is mean about asking... .she doesn't need an answer.

FF

[MaroonLiquid]

If she is mean about asking... .she doesn't need an answer.

FF

That's basically all it ever is.  BAIT.  This fish doesn't bite... .

What I found funny yesterday is she "filed for divorce", but asked me what I thought about her being a dugout assistant on my select team.  It's obvious they don't think things through and funny how their minds work.  I laughed thinking about the possibility of both of those scenarios actually happening and me dating someone else at some point and them coming to the games.  No, I'm not thinking of dating anyone else (don't want anyone else), but just the possibility.  Could you imagine?     

[OffRoad]

During the first game, my wife yelled at our daughter when she struck out looking with the bases loaded and 2 outs.  She said, "Get the d&mn bat off the shoulder!  I'm tired of that crap!"  In her defense, I'm tired of it too, but I realize why she does it.  If she strikes out looking, she can blame the umps and say it was a bad call where if she swings and misses, it's on her.   rolleyes  I tapped her on the back because I could tell it was going bad if I didn't.  She sat down and was steaming.

Maroon, this is a problem. Whether or not this daughter is not hustling or doing what you think she should be doing on the field, your wife is now projecting her anger that is not working with you onto your daughter. I have seen the results of this first hand and this is not what you want for your daughter.

I know it seems like you and your w are "on the same page" with this, but you aren't. I am assuming you would like to encourage your daughter to give some effort into softball (at least I hope you are). Your W is looking to tear your daughter down to make herself feel better. MOO, but do you WANT your daughter to go down the same path as her mother? This is how my H ended up like he is and why my S could end up there if I wasn't running interference.

[MaroonLiquid]

Maroon, this is a problem. Whether or not this daughter is not hustling or doing what you think she should be doing on the field, your wife is now projecting her anger that is not working with you onto your daughter. I have seen the results of this first hand and this is not what you want for your daughter.

I am with you on this, however, she isn't my biological daughter so under the circumstances, I can't do much.  I can encourage and support our daughter which I am doing and she has been much more receptive now that I am not her coach again until July or August.  Before All-Stars, I was to blame for our daughters unhappiness because I was "too hard on her".     They are seeing what happens when everyone on the team is an All-Star and not just 4-6 of the players.  My wife said last night that this is forcing our daughter to look at herself as the issue and can't put it on anyone else any longer.  My wife said that she sees what I have been trying to say for a while.  [/quote]

Your W is looking to tear your daughter down to make herself feel better.

I see what you mean.  

MOO, but do you WANT your daughter to go down the same path as her mother? This is how my H ended up like he is and why my S could end up there if I wasn't running interference.

I already see this to some degree, but unfortunately I can only do what I can do and control myself.

[MaroonLiquid]

I'm learning how exhausting BPD must be for our SO... .It's exhausting for me!  After softball practice, I took my daughter back to her house and my wife and I had sex, then spent some time holding each other, talking about the kids and her wanting to be a "dugout mom" on my softball team and validated that and told her I thought she would be great at it.  She made the statement, "I don't want the kids to see us just as husband and wife, but as coaches."  I agreed and then BOOM!, she said, "So can we talk about the divorce for a moment?"  I didn't feel triggered, but thought "What the heck?"... .I said, "Sure."  I should have said, "No."  She said, "Can we agree on stuff so we can get this done?"  I said, "Help me to understand why you are in such a hurry to get this done.  I really don't understand"  She started talking about having to file a FAFSA form for financial aid for our son at the beginning of the year and with our incomes together, he wouldn't qualify.  I validated how hard that must be for her to worry about and that we both want him access to FA if he needs it.  Then it hit me.  Inside I was going, "     Are you effing kidding me?".  And then I said, "So let me see if I understand.  Are you divorcing me because our kids probably wouldn't qualify for financial aid with both of our incomes?"  I remember that she took those "financial freedom" classes and she met with a college prep counselor right before I got divorce papers.  I truly think I hit the nail on the head with this one because then she started to go into her "everything is my fault and why we are getting a divorce" mode.  She then said, "We are better as friends."  I said, "I don't think I could be friends with someone who divorces me because their kids don't qualify for FA by being married to me."  She said, "I'm divorcing you because blah blah blah blah blah... .I JADE'd some at this point and didn't really care.  Then she said, "Take our daughter off of your select team as she won't be playing with you."     When she realized she wasn't getting anywhere with me, she shut down and I left.  This morning, I texted to say good morning and she responded with a text about "finalizing the decree, and to either sign it or we go to mediation and would need to talk with her lawyer about this issue going forward".  I didn't respond... .

[formflier]

 

Hang tough... .

Good job being self aware enough to look over things... .and understand what you should have said.

It's tough getting blindsided... .

I still get busted when it comes out of nowhere.

Such as... .when I posted on my wife's FB account for mothers day... .it came out of nowhere.  Luckily... .once I saw it was likely a ploy for a fight... .I just went about my business.

I hate this for you... .you are really trying... .doing the right thing... .and she is insisting on a dysfunctional path.

I also suspect... .hope... .you feel better for stating your truth.  About not being friends with someone who divorces over FA.  She heard you.

FF

[MaroonLiquid]

Hang tough... .

Good job being self aware enough to look over things... .and understand what you should have said.

It's tough getting blindsided... .

I still get busted when it comes out of nowhere.

it is tough.  It is exhausting actually.  

Such as... .when I posted on my wife's FB account for mothers day... .it came out of nowhere.  Luckily... .once I saw it was likely a ploy for a fight... .I just went about my business.

I'm usually pretty good now about avoiding these things.  Jabbing me this morning with the "finalizing the decree BS" was a ploy for a fight.  I'm not biting... .

I hate this for you... .you are really trying... .doing the right thing... .and she is insisting on a dysfunctional path.

Yeah, I don't get it.  I know I won't but it doesn't make it any easier.  I feel she knows her reasons for filing are ridiculous and therefore hits me with all the other excuses.  Watching someone you love willingly choose a dysfunctional path is hard.  :)o they ever see it and say, "What the hell am I doing?"

I also suspect... .hope... .you feel better for stating your truth.  About not being friends with someone who divorces over FA.  She heard you.

FF

I do.  I know I said it in a not so good tone, but I feel it needed to be said.  She clammed up before I left.  I'm sure she felt like I didn't understand, but I think I understand perfectly.  I also realize when she gets mad now, she talks about "finalizing the decree"... .  I guess she feels this is the last bit of leverage she has over me and feels she can dangle over my head.  She mentioned how our relationship is better for the simple fact that all of our stuff is separate.  She has nothing left... .This is it... .She knows I know he can't finalize anything without my approval and signature... .Her bluffs are so transparent... .

[formflier]

 

Well... .I see a couple of decisions you have coming.

Next time she brings up divorce... .what do you do?

You've stated your truth... .from the reaction... .she heard you.  So... .do you feel the need to state it again? 

If so... .what will you say?

If you don't feel the need to state that again... .what will you say when she wants to finalize it again?

Be aware... .she will most likely use some sort of a ... ."wouldn't it be easier for us to decide... .minimize lawyer involvement... .costs... .etc etc... ."  It will be tempting to continue that conversation... ."explain" why you don't think it is easier.

It's not right or wrong to continue that conversation... .but... .given the patterns in your r/s... .what do you think the right answer is?

Reason for talking about this now... .she will blindside you with it... .after sex... .after a hug... .after a nice dinner... .a great family photo.

She will not agree she is blindsiding you... .it will "feel" appropriate to her... .and not to you.

 

Hang tough!

[MaroonLiquid]

Well... .I see a couple of decisions you have coming.

Next time she brings up divorce... .what do you do?

Try and change the subject... .

You've stated your truth... .from the reaction... .she heard you.  So... .do you feel the need to state it again? 

No... .

If you don't feel the need to state that again... .what will you say when she wants to finalize it again?

"Wife, I've already told you how I feel about this subject and change the subject or leave if that doesn't help.

Be aware... .she will most likely use some sort of a ... ."wouldn't it be easier for us to decide... .minimize lawyer involvement... .costs... .etc etc... ."  It will be tempting to continue that conversation... ."explain" why you don't think it is easier.

This is the tactic she started using last night... .Her deal was, "Why pay for mediation and waste money when we could work through it together?"  Inside I just 

It's not right or wrong to continue that conversation... .but... .given the patterns in your r/s... .what do you think the right answer is?

To not do it.

Reason for talking about this now... .she will blindside you with it... .after sex... .after a hug... .after a nice dinner... .a great family photo.

She will not agree she is blindsiding you... .it will "feel" appropriate to her... .and not to you.

 

Hang tough!

Is that to get me to dysregulate or part of the push/pull or both?  It's extremely frustrating.

[formflier]

Try and change the subject... .

Ahh... .you need to spend some time with Yoda.

There is no try... .only do... .

FF

[Hmcbart]

I feel like I'm reading my future posts right now.

[MaroonLiquid]

Try and change the subject... .

Ahh... .you need to spend some time with Yoda.

There is no try... .only do... .

FF

 Yes I do.  He would feel the disturbance in the force pretty quick... .

I feel like I'm reading my future posts right now.

Sorry HMC... .I know what you mean.  I feel like I'm doing the right thing for myself, yet sometimes I ask myself if this is worth it.  I think she is.  She didn't ask to be mentally ill.  When her "reason" for divorce was spoken the other night, it broke my heart.  I realized that in her mind, she thinks it's perfectly logical to divorce your spouse so your child has easier access to financial aid.  Learning to detach with love is the hardest thing to learn in this whole process.  I have gotten soo much better and learn it's not personal.  The other night, it was almost like she wanted me to feel sorry for her because she has all this on her shoulders, yet it's her fault, staring her in the face, and yet takes no responsibility.