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Author Topic: Clueless, or deliberate?  (Read 360 times)
Ceruleanblue
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« on: May 06, 2015, 12:27:27 PM »

My BPDh came home from DBT this week, and mentioned he wanted to show me something later. I thought that was great, because he's usually super secretive about everything, and it sort of lets me know what he's working on, and where I can look for possible improvement.

Well, later that night he gets this list out of things his DBT therapist had him write down of his "top 5 important" things. Things he values most or wants. Our marriage, or me, didn't even make the list. But guess who did? His KIDS, his highly dysfunctional kids, 3 of 4 of whom refuse to see him. I'm really questioning my recent choice to move with BPDh, leaving my 16 year old son behind with my parents. I go visit frequently, but I'm struggling, and for what? To not even make the list of things that are important to BPDh?

I'd like to know(but of course I can't ask), what his DBT therapist thought about this. BPDh acts like all he is, is a Dad. Period. Oh, and in MC he admitted that his kids won't have anything to do with him(except his son), because he came back to me. They are saying that BPDh is toxic, but I get all the blame? I have days where I wish I'd never met him, or this dysfunctional family.

Now that BPDh is confronting some issues, and "rewiring" his brain, as he calls it, will that ever include our marriage being of any importance to him? It's like I'm just a convenience, and a stress outlet, or target. He's had so many targets over the years, so I know it's not personal. It's still hard to take though, even while I see some slight improvement(and I'm so sadly happy over such slight improvement, that it sort of sickens me). I feel I've majorly settled, and everyone tells me I deserved much more.

Do you think that BPDh showed me this list just to hurt me? He KNOWS that I've been hurt all along by not feeling I'm any sort of priority to him, and that this issue with his kids(their hatred of me, and non acceptance for no reason), is hurtful. I want his kids in his life, but not at the cost of them blowing up at me, and his then being angry at me for it(and later admitting I didn't do anything wrong, but he still stays mad).

And in MC this week, as usual, he sits there, and says nothing, and I or the MC keep asking his questions, and he basically grunts. Except for the time, he said "she how she made that all about HER"... .which I totally did not. I was explaining how we parent differently. That is NOT all about ME, I was talking about both of us. The way I see it, is I've given in to most of his requests/demands, and due to his BPD our lives have totally revolved around HIM. He's highly narcissistic, so everything is his way, and I just mostly allow it. I'm starting to work on better boundaries though, but then to him it's "all about me".

How do I live with knowing I may never matter to him the way I want? But I get to watch others get that from him? Yet he expects so very much from me, and appreciates it not at all... .
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2015, 12:35:37 PM »

I'm trying so hard to be thankful for the improvements BPDh had made, but he's had such a long history of lashing out, and being passive aggressive, that it's hard to not think showing me this list was a deliberate attempt to hurt me. He often does these sort of veiled things that he knows will hit a soft spot. His kids are definitely that, because they themselves have hurt me a lot, and I've kept trying(until our MC told me to just stop, that I've more than tried, and to just stop).

Plus, right now I'm still hurting over not living with my son, and I feel like BPDh put me in the position to choose him or my son(in his eyes), because he views that he's lost his kids because of ME.
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an0ught
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« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2015, 09:20:13 AM »

T saying: Write down the 5 most important things

T thinking: Let's focus and untwist

H thinking and writing while on another planet

H sharing without thinking with the most important person in his life without realizing that person is not on the list.

Ceruleanblue, I really get that you are hurt   His behavior lacks executive mindset to say the least. The silver lining is that you are so important to him that he is sharing his thoughts. In my book behavior weights 5 times words. But clearly he is not following instructions, not respecting boundaries, not well thought out and mature. It is definitely irritating and upsetting  .

Boundaries protect you - let him talk whatever he wants in T. T is for him.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2015, 09:42:16 AM »

I agree with the statement that what your partner shares with his T is personal. I know he wanted to share it with you and that seeing it was very hurtful. It would be anyone's guess as to why but you could ask him.

One thing to examine is how you are feeling about your son. You made a choice to put your partner first. It would surely hurt to feel your partner chose his kids if that is the case. Still no matter what he does, your own feelings about your relationship with your son are part of this and between you and your son.
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #4 on: May 11, 2015, 12:30:08 AM »

Yes, I have no idea why he wanted to share this list with me. DBT therapy is for HIM, but this is the second time I've been asked about things after he gets home. The first time he said his therapist asked him to have me make a list of MY needs. Hilarious, right? I mean, for those of us living with someone with full blown BPD, our needs seem to go largely unmet. Now, I'm sure this varies, but I've read enough here to know that this is often the case. So, I made a list of my "needs". Then last week he comes home wanting to show me this list.

It was hurtful for me, because like anOught states, I'm all about ACTIONS, not just words. To me, no matter what you say, it's your actual actions that are most important. That was why the list hurt so much, because his actions also show in so many ways that only HE and his kids are important to him. His actions show it, and he's generally just pretty inconsiderate towards me. In ways he's never be with his kids or friends. I put up with the worst from him, and I get the least from him it seems.

I do go visit my son, but it's not the same as living with him, and I did choose to put my marriage first, and my son actually told me I needed to do so. I seriously think my son is more emotionally mature than BPDh! Definitely more empathetic and kind than BPDh. So yeah, it does hurt to see that his kids made the list, when I gave up precious time with my son(basically BPDh refused to live with my son any more, and my son was a target as was I, and BPDh didn't trust himself around my son anymore... .BPDh has rages), yet he always puts his grown kids before the marriage. Our new marriage therapist has really been trying to get BPDh to see how unhealthy that is, thank goodness.

I'm having a hard time forgiving BPDh for putting me in a position to have to "choose". He did to me what he'd always feared I'd do, but of course I never did, nor would do. I know how to balance having both my kids in my life, and my marriage. BPDh seems to live for his kids' approval.

Tomorrow, BPDh has DBT therapy again, and I'm sure hoping he doesn't bring anything else home to show me, or anything I need to be part of.
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JohnLove
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« Reply #5 on: May 11, 2015, 04:47:57 AM »

Hello Ceruleanblue. Sorry to hear what you're going through. This just leaves a bad taste in the mouth. It is the definition of a BPD style relationship with double standards abounding. You must feel almost invisible. All your effort seems to be in compensting for your H's terribly disordered behaviour. It is maddening how your H has almost no self awareness, or compassion, or empathy for anyone... .but himself perhaps?... .interesting.

It is heartening and sad at the same time that your son is the bigger man... .?

It is extremely difficult to not feel like there is a degree of "deliberate" in your H's actions. I don't know the answer but for your sake I hope it's all worth it and the "improvement" you desire unfolds with the passing of time.
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