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Author Topic: more raging because I didn't text him  (Read 483 times)
misuniadziubek
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« on: May 06, 2015, 04:48:08 PM »

I'm not sure I have the strength to put up with this anymore and I don't really know how to deal with the situation.

This just hurts so much. And Im really exhausted of someone invoking this much pain in me.

Things have been more positive and happy more often lately than negative and unhappy. The relationship is more passionate and more often exhibits facets of a healthy relationship. More communication, less codependency. We are two separate people that enjoy each other's company.

We had 7 days break between seeing each other. All our communication in this time has been, positive, validating, effective.

But that doesn't change that I still have reflex reactions. Expecting his raging. I've conditioned myself to walk on eggshells because my anxiety levels shoot up whenever I think of his previous rages at similar situations. It's irrational, but it's deeply engraved by now.

We decided  on  me coming up at 5. I had a ridiculously busy day, trying to get everything done in order to come on time. I planned it out okay in the first place, but then once I left I realised 1) I didn't eat 2) I would eventually need gas. 20 minutes extra that I wasn't able to make up. Halfway through the trip, I start to write him a text, telling him how I would be a bit late. But then I stopped myself from sending it.

Reason? I got too anxious. Writing that text took me back to all the times he would flip out and start berating me over text. Something that hasn't happened in 2 months, but the anxiety lingers and being somewhat still calm, I want to avoid it so badly. So I put it off. There's traffic in his town. So no chance of me catching up on speed.

I walk in and he's sitting at his laptop, barely acknowledging me. He tells me he's angry with me, because he's been waiting 30 minutes now for me and is now in a terrible mood because I never texted him.

I tell him that I was going to, but all the times previous have left me too anxious to text him.

He gets super angry. I'm blaming him. He wants nothing to do with me. It's not his fault I'm not mature enough to text him about being late.

(It doesn't make sense? Me not texting him? His texts all day were lovely. )

He then tells me that I've obviously become comfortable with him again. He will fix that. He goes on his computer and blocks me from being able to text him again. That will expire in 3 months. That he guesses he has to go back to 'parenting me' and if I want him to take responsibility, then this is how he's doing it.

I felt myself start to dissociate. Everything was going numb. So I left for a bit. Came back a bit more calm. Started to validate a little bit of his feelings. Then we had a whole 24 hrs to ourselves where everything was fine again. Then he had to leave for a job so told me to bum around for a bit in town. I reminded him that I can't text him, so won't be able to know when he's back.

Suddenly the  fight is back. He's like. I forgot about that. Well hopefully by 90 days you'll have learned your lesson.

Im just so tired of the emotional abuse... .

What I wouldn't do for someone who would  be understanding to how bad my anxiety is sometimes. Someone who wouldn't react with so much vitriol. It's so hard, when I'm so emotional and can't help myself and have someone berate me for it.

I'm so tired of crying over this bs.

I left. I'm not sure what time I'll come back to his house. I'm too upset for now. Im ridiculously angry  him. I'm so tired. Emotionally tired. I feel like nothing will ever be stable enough to deal him long term. I barely see a future, no matter how much I love him.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2015, 05:00:58 PM »

Where are you?

What if you just went home ( calm down before you drive). That way, you can get some rest and be alone, away from his raging.

He blocked you from texting him, ie, communicating with him.

IMHO, I can't tell you what to do, but blocking me would be my cue to not come back, get some time to regroup.
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2015, 05:25:28 PM »

I'm sorry you are going through this. My H will get upset if I'm late and don't text. He gets scared that something happened... .like I got abducted in the parking garage. So now that I know that, I always text so he knows what's going on.

My guess is this is what happened to you. He was scared... .processes the feelings horribly and gets angry at you. I've been where you are... .trying so hard not to make a mistake that will make them rage. But, with the tools on this site that has gotten better for me. If he can't handle something... .that's his problem not mine. I know that now. You didn't do anything wrong. He just... .can't process stuff right.

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misuniadziubek
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« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2015, 05:26:02 PM »

Where are you?

What if you just went home ( calm down before you drive). That way, you can get some rest and be alone, away from his raging.

He blocked you from texting him, ie, communicating with him.

IMHO, I can't tell you what to do, but blocking me would be my cue to not come back, get some time to regroup.

It's a 2 hr drive home. I think the worst part of this is that it's blatant abandonment. If anything happened to me, I needed him for any reason while I'm in Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post)#$&ing foreign country. He's not there.

That hurts so very deeply.

And yet he wants to go on as if nothing is wrong.
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misuniadziubek
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« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2015, 05:30:57 PM »

I'm sorry you are going through this. My H will get upset if I'm late and don't text. He gets scared that something happened... .like I got abducted in the parking garage. So now that I know that, I always text so he knows what's going on.

My guess is this is what happened to you. He was scared... .processes the feelings horribly and gets angry at you. I've been where you are... .trying so hard not to make a mistake that will make them rage. But, with the tools on this site that has gotten better for me. If he can't handle something... .that's his problem not mine. I know that now. You didn't do anything wrong. He just... .can't process stuff right.

I can somewhat understand his pain. He was looking forward to seeing me for hours since waking up. He was excited. But then there was disappointment. And now it's like I don't care about letting him know what's going on. I made him wait 25 minutes more  than he was prepared for.

Except that it's SOO incredibly hard for me to overcome my as anxiety over texting him whenever I'm late. We've had so many horrible horrible fights over the time thing in the years we've been together. The wound is still fresh. I wrote the text. I just couldn't send it. It is MY issue. But I don't know how to fix it.


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« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2015, 08:24:43 PM »

The wound is still fresh. I wrote the text. I just couldn't send it. It is MY issue. But I don't know how to fix it.

Don't apologize for stuff you feel and are experiencing.

However... .it is "on you" to think this through.  Now that you know this... .it is up to you to figure out... .am I going to be vague about my show up times... .or... .send him text.

Or call... .

Here is some advice... .I am still learning to accept. 

When they say they don't want to talk to you... .text... .call... .whatever... .  Believe them!

So... .the ball is in his court.  If he unblocks you and starts texting... .then the ball is in your court.

   

I know the anxiety feeling you are talking about... .I'm still working on my strategies to cope... .hang tough with it... .

FF
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misuniadziubek
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« Reply #6 on: May 07, 2015, 10:03:55 AM »

The wound is still fresh. I wrote the text. I just couldn't send it. It is MY issue. But I don't know how to fix it.

Don't apologize for stuff you feel and are experiencing.

However... .it is "on you" to think this through.  Now that you know this... .it is up to you to figure out... .am I going to be vague about my show up times... .or... .send him text.

Or call... .

Here is some advice... .I am still learning to accept.  

When they say they don't want to talk to you... .text... .call... .whatever... . Believe them!

So... .the ball is in his court.  If he unblocks you and starts texting... .then the ball is in your court.

   

I know the anxiety feeling you are talking about... .I'm still working on my strategies to cope... .hang tough with it... .

FF

You're right. He's blocked me off various media before Skype, Facebook, and now texting. Some lasted a few weeks, some just a couple days. Each time to 'teach a lesson'.

He didn't believe me as far as not being able to text him. Wanted to prove I was lying and that I just didn't care enough. Asked to see my phone to show me the other people I'd texted that day without issue.

Oh. Except there were none.just him.

I won. Yay.

Or did I?

No. I really didn't.It's not even a competition, it's a PD. He has natural mistrust and genuinely believes that what he thinks is true aka fact. The only time I win is when we both win. No. Not when he's happy/satisfied.

Both. Even with a PD in between the threads and my anxiety/PTSD, this is a real relationship.

The ball is in his court. It leaves me feeling somewhat abandoned and unimportant, but I cannot change it. I can only learn new ways to cope. Make a new habit. So we're both happy. So my heart doesn't explode from being too weary of triggering a rage.

I do love him. PD and all his quirkiness. I just really need to love myself as well.

Oh and I'm starting to see more and more why he triggers so much anxiety in me. It's all those torture sessions with my NPD mom when I was about six. She would berate me and accuse me of being malevolent until I was crying with hiccups and couldn't stop. Something that happened with him just two months ago.

Once I was hyperventilcrying, she'd accuse me of just looking for attention and being an overly sensitive drama queen. Same words he's used in that very moment.

I was six.

And then once that was done... .She'd leave and come back after a while, pretend like nothing happened and be the comforting mother I craved in her.

How f-ed up is all of that.




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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #7 on: May 07, 2015, 11:01:34 AM »

misuniadziubek,

I know exactly how you feel. I am co-dependent and I have generalized anxiety disorder. When I was a child, I had panic attacks. My step-mother would say I was crazy, there was something wrong with me, I was over reacting to get attention, etc etc. The first time I had one I did freak out because I was 10 and didn't understand what was going on. My vision blackened, I lost my hearing, I got dizzy and needed to sit down. What happened (I know now that I'm older and spoke to doctors) was that I was really excited (we were about to go into an amusement park) and I 'forgot' to breathe. I don't have attacks like that anymore, but I do still need meds to keep myself calm.

Most of us who find ourselves in these r/s have something we need to deal with for ourselves also. You are right though, dear. Regardless of our issues, they are real relationships. As long as my hubby is working with me... .and he is... .I will work with him and work on myself. Being with him taught me a lot about myself that I didn't know... .or perhaps I never admitted.
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Jessica84
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« Reply #8 on: May 07, 2015, 01:19:06 PM »

I understand that anxiety feeling too. I used to give myself a panic attack if everything didn't go perfectly... .ESPECIALLY when it came to him. Any other person in my life would be very understanding about getting gas, sitting in traffic, waiting on trains, delays beyond my control. But not him. So I had to plan ahead, calculate every detail and time it just right, all while fitting everything in to his impulsive changes in plans. It IS exhausting. I DOES create massive anxiety.

I had to stop doing that to myself. I had to not care whether he accepted it or not. Go with the flow. I had to stop making my world revolve around him and all the what if's of what could go wrong. You can do the same. Surprisingly, by staying calm it helped keep things from escalating with him. His dysregulations (or the fear of him raging or accusing) would cause me anxiety, my anxiety caused him to further spiral... .vicious cycle.

It may help to find a way to forgive your mom so you can let go of the past. And forgive him too. And most importantly, yourself! You are only human. It is hard, but you are smart. You have tools. You have support here. You can do this!

When things go wrong (and they will - it's called "life" - try to ground yourself, do some deep breathing, say the Serenity Prayer, whatever you need to do to let go of things beyond your control... .if he blocks you, so be it. If he gets mad, whatever. Remember--- they don't have the power to make us anxious - we do that all by ourselves. OR we can choose not to.

 
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misuniadziubek
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« Reply #9 on: May 07, 2015, 06:01:43 PM »

I snapped today. We were in the car, he started off on how he hopes that blocking me will finally teach me to text him. All about finding someone else. How I haven't changed in 2 years. Then he starts to say that this is exactly how I always act. I ignore him until he stops talking.

I tell him that by blocking me, he's pretty much abandoning me in case I ever do actually need me. He's cutting off our primary form of communication, alienating me.

He responds that maybe that's a good thing

That this is why he does such drastic things. Because he obviously has to properly traumatize me in order to get through to me.

For the first time, I saw red. Like a raging bull being provoked.

Those words. I heard them way too many times before... .Years ago. When I simply couldn't do anything.

Suddenly I started hitting him (we had just parked) and screaming and cussing at him.

He blocked my slaps. He yelled out for me to stop hitting him.

I came back to the reality of what was happening and instantly stopped, jumped out of the car and walked away to catch my breath. So much adrenaline. I could feel every inch of my body. My hands were hot.

But I was fine.I instantly calmed down. It was like a rush. A release.

For the first time, I did something. I defended myself.

Sure I reacted. But for someone who usually goes into victim mode and dissociates. This was something completely new. I also felt instant regret. I didn't want to hit my bf or hurt him

Honestly? I recognized it before it got out of hand, regained my composure, but it felt like something deep inside me finally came out.

I actually stood up. I faced my own feelings. I didn't try yo escape them.

Obviously my bf told me that it's probably better that I go home. And for the first time, I didn't mind the idea. I didn't -need- him.

I love him. Hurting/hitting him is a terrible way to deal with things but immediately after... .I could face him. Talk things out. Listen to what he had to say. Be validating, but not a meek little pushover.

I think I'm going in the right direction, though.
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misuniadziubek
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« Reply #10 on: May 09, 2015, 09:26:44 AM »

Yesterday morning, we woke up and he was in a pretty good mood.

But then he couldn't find his cell phone.

So I offered as always to call him so that his phone starts ringing.

welcome to Verizon. The customer you are trying to reach has you in restriction

My heart dropped. I could barely hide my deep seeded hurt.

He came back having found his phone and asked if I was okay.

I just mumbled that I'm fine.

But within minutes I cracked.I admitted how bothered I was by it. I didn't realize that the restriction was not solely for texting but also phonecalls. I told him through tears that those calls throughout the week when we aren't together are very meaningful to me. That he's my favorite person to get calls from. That this really hurts me.

He tried to somewhat console me. Mumbled that we can still use Skype and Facebook. I told him that's more expensive for me when I'm not home. At the very least he didn't rage or get angry. He mumbled that maybe if things were good for a while he might cancel it.

Whatever. The fact he did it is the most hurtful of it all. He won't ever understand how much as anxiety messes with my life and how ridiculous it is to try to punish me. How I can't just turn it off. He won't ever understand and I have to accept that, but keep going with trying to get better.

The consequences are on him. I can't always answer his phonecalls (since he can still call me) so I won't be calling him back if and when I am available, like I did previously. Might as well cancel my unlimited long distance/international plan on my cell phone for now.

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« Reply #11 on: May 11, 2015, 09:22:07 AM »

Whatever. The fact he did it is the most hurtful of it all. He won't ever understand how much as anxiety messes with my life and how ridiculous it is to try to punish me. How I can't just turn it off. He won't ever understand and I have to accept that, but keep going with trying to get better.

I actually think he does understand... .that's why he did it.

It's a button  that he can "push" and get a reaction from you. 

He will most likely keep pushing it... .because... .in a dysfunctional way... .it works for him.

 

Hope these hugs help... .hang in there.

FF
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