Living together temporarily after the split. ~

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've had the courage and strength to end the relationship with my BPD ex but living together with our 4 year old whilst we sell the house and arrange our separate lives is really taking its toll.

Im still trying to support my BPD ex emotionally whilst keeping some distance, holding down a demanding job, find a new home for me and my son and rearrange his schooling.

It's just becoming too much. My son's behaviour towards me has become so bad. I'm trying to be consistent, fair and firm with him but he has resulted in shouting he hates me and todAy biting me when I gave him time out. My BPD ex states his behaviour is not a problem towards him. I think my son needs my assurance that I am in charge and handling this. I will continue to be fair and patient to him.

Living with my ex is still so up and down and our roles in the house more confused than ever.

I cannot sleep as I am scared of his irrational behaviour. He shouts out in his sleep and purposely jumps out and scares me. I feel vulnerable in my own home and want him to move out.

Can I do this? I just can't trust him anymore and not close enough to him to judge his mood.

[Fresia*]

I've had the courage and strength to end the relationship with my BPD ex but living together with our 4 year old whilst we sell the house and arrange our separate lives is really taking its toll.

Im still trying to support my BPD ex emotionally whilst keeping some distance, holding down a demanding job, find a new home for me and my son and rearrange his schooling.

It's just becoming too much. My son's behaviour towards me has become so bad. I'm trying to be consistent, fair and firm with him but he has resulted in shouting he hates me and todAy biting me when I gave him time out. My BPD ex states his behaviour is not a problem towards him. I think my son needs my assurance that I am in charge and handling this. I will continue to be fair and patient to him.

Living with my ex is still so up and down and our roles in the house more confused than ever.

I cannot sleep as I am scared of his irrational behaviour. He shouts out in his sleep and purposely jumps out and scares me. I feel vulnerable in my own home and want him to move out.

Can I do this? I just can't trust him anymore and not close enough to him to judge his mood.

[BlueSunshine]

Hello Fresia,

I know this situation, to varying degrees.

I too am living with my BPD ex, unfortunately for 3 years now while we are "split".

We also have children, ages 16 and 11 and it has been trying on all of us.

I know 3 years may sound absurd (I certainly think it is like a never-ending nightmare). The length of my painfully long co-habitation is due to a few factors; I have developed severe social anxiety and can barely leave my home. He suffered a "break-down" that involved being institutionalized temporarily and then was in and out of intense therapy, not working, for nearly a year. During that time I was in a total fog of shock and developed PTSD, followed by 10 months of him returning to work (and before I got things settled to leave and was caught up on past bills, etc.) he left work again for almost another year, causing greater financial hardships. He insists on the illusion still that he loves me and wishes to be with me, so he refuses to leave (though his words and actions are two entirely different things).

I own our home but lack the social ability to go out and get the help I need to remove him legally, and due to my circumstances he has made threats to have my children taken from me, and other dramatic hogwash. It's such a huge mess.



I have my own room, which helps tremendously.

I do as much as I can to avoid him and maintain a good relationship with our children. In ways they understand better then a small child simply because they are older, but that doesn't make it any less painful for them and they sometimes show signs of stress from it.

Everyone handles things their own way of course, and after everything I have been through I have become a very mistrusting person. However I feel compelled to add that if my child started acting out aggressively toward me in that specific situation, I would think my ex might be manipulating the child to do it (saying things like "Mommy is bad/mean/making daddy hurt/making daddy leave, etc." behind my back). I am not saying that I believe that is happening to you but I would consider the possibility.

I think giving your child pleasant distractions, playdates and time away from the house, is very beneficial.


Also you said you are supporting your ex emotionally. I hope you feel that is balanced. It sounds like you are already under enough strain. I think withdrawing completely, or as much as possible without seeming to be ignoring him, is the best. The less you have to interact with him the better. Don't strike up conversations, don't seek him out for anything unless you have to discuss your splitting arrangements and even during those times I recommend you have an outside 3rd party included. Put decisions in writing, too, and both of you should sign them. Close any joint accounts, etc. Normal precautions to protect yourself.

In my own relationship I have bent over backwards so many times, that now supporting him in any way would be on my list of 'the last things to do, ever'. Not in a way of bitterness or out of anger, just because I am trying to focus on myself and heal, as I am so drained and have suffered so much.

I do encourage you to sleep elsewhere, the sofa if need be, or better yet perhaps you can spend some time with a relative or go to a hotel, just to give yourself a feeling of safety and allowing yourself to rest.

Also "our roles in the house more confused than ever" sounds like you need to set some boundaries.

As for wanting him to move out, most of what you can do is ask, and most of the time the answer is a big fat "NO". I do know that if you are not married you could go through normal means of an eviction notice, depending on details of if you rent or own, etc. However you said you are looking to leave, so perhaps just renting an apartment nearby as to not disturb your child's schooling for a while would be the easiest solution, while waiting for your house to sell.

The most sound thing I can tell you from my own experience is the sooner the better. Sticking around longer then intended has done a whole new level of damage.

Sorry, I ramble on 

I know my situation is abnormal, due to my own developed problems. I did try to end the relationship and get him to leave but, unfortunately, he attempted suicide and I spent a long time after feeling trapped. I just try to serve as an example of what you do not want to become.

Run to your freedom! I know you are scared, and probably heartbroken and in great pain but the best thing you can do right now for yourself and your little boy is move forward as fast as you can.

[scraps66]

Separate rooms absolutely.

You could try to make an arrangement where someone moves out.  Do this without the court.

Or, you could do what happens to a lot of nons on here, file for exclusive possession of the marital residence.  This is what happened to me.  Of course I was doing allllll kinds of horrible things to her in the house After I filed for divorce. (insert sarcasm here)

We lived together for over a year.  But it is as you say, taxing.  In your case it sounds like it would be a good move to split up physically. If you're losing sleep and afraid that should be enough motivation.

[half-life]

I have also very perturbed when my son has become disrespectful to me after our split. I have hoped a lot in our separated life but sons' outburst and his rejection is tormenting me.  :'(

I also have a lot of stress to deal with personal and family issue on the one hand and holding down a demanding job on the other hand. I can see your housing situation is aggravated the problem. Hang in there. Those issue with eventually get worked out. Write more for support.

About giving your ex emotional support, your might want to limit your involvement. If it has not worked before, it is not likely to work now.two of you will be on your own and you

[livednlearned]

The most powerful skill you can learn when you have kids with a BPD parent is validation. It's the foundation for all the other skills, and while it's easy to understand, it does take practice and fine-tuning to make it second nature.

We have a helpful section about this in Lesson 5 to the right, on the Coparenting board here:

TOOLS: The Power of Validating How Kids Feels

Validation is important for raising emotionally resilient kids, not only to help them heal from the stresses of divorce and having a mentally ill parent, but to help them gain confidence in their own abilities to solve problems. The simplest way to describe validation is that feelings and emotions can never be wrong. Validation is arguably the most important skill to learn as a parent, and it has far-reaching impacts for your child's emotional health. Because BPD parents often have very high needs for validation themselves, and very low capacity to validate others, your child will likely have above-average needs for validation from you.

Read more: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272638.msg12585648#msg12585648

Fresia, it does sound like your son is experiencing stress, not surprising given the hostility he probably senses in the environment, between you and your ex. If your son sees you tolerate abuse, he may figure this is normal behavior. "This is how me and my dad treat my mom." It will hopefully get easier to change this script when you are out of the house. If you son sees you soothing your ex, the message is that people can be mean to you, and then you help them feel better. It can be confusing for kids.

If you are supporting your ex emotionally, there are bigger longer-term ramifications that can impact your son. When we do things to help our BPD ex's self-soothe, it sets up a dynamic where we undermine their ability to do what they need to learn on their own. Maybe it's not possible with an adult. It is possible with a child, though. You can save yourself years and years of heart ache if you learn validation, especially the validating questions, and begin to raise your son to self-soothe himself and learn to problem solve on his own, with your coaching. He'll develop confidence and a secure attachment, knowing he has some autonomy.

I think the curse of codependency is that we are not comfortable with our own painful feelings so we try to prevent others from experiencing them. What kids need in order to be emotionally resilient is a chance to feel their feelings (validation) no matter what they are, and then discover they can recover from them.

And then there's parental alienation, which can happen even when the relationship is intact. That's a whole other mess I hope is not taking root.

[Fresia*]

  thank -you for all your comments the support on here is undoubtedly a comfort.

Blue sunshine - thank you especially for sharing and warning me. I can understand how your situation has escalated for you and it is something I have seen in my own future and feared. I am glad you also find support on here and hope you continue to do so. If this is a medium you are comfortable with perhaps you can source the legal outside help via the internet / e-mail also. I know I shouldn't give advice. Please keep writing on here and please let me know how you're getting on. 

We are staying in separate rooms thankfully. I don't get emotional support from him,it is all very one sided as normal. When he sees my frustration he states I am self centred which hurts,but I know how much I cared / care for his situation.

We are still trying to work it out amicably and the house is sold! He has asked for equal custody of our son and access 3 days a week. Ultimately I would miss my son too much, but see this is good for his relationship with his dad.

Is there any legal or medical reason why he should not have so much access on his own with our son? I want to trust him but currently cannot.

Regardng my sons behaviour I have been reading up on validation and also impact of young kids seeing their parents argue. All very helpful. The more I read the more his behaviour makes sense and I feel more confident to do the right thing. I am also seeing a pattern.the more time he sends with me his behaviour improves over time. When he is with dad or both of us in the house it starts up again. I'm not 100% on this yet but one to watch.

Thank-you gain,virtual hugs to all of you.

[livednlearned]

Is there any legal or medical reason why he should not have so much access on his own with our son? I want to trust him but currently cannot.

Because parents with personality disorders cannot process grief and pain, they project their emotional/mental models onto kids. Meaning, if your ex feels abandoned (which pwBPD do), it's very likely that he will begin parental alienation with your son.

This means that to resolve his grief, your ex will start to create what one researcher calls the "victimized child/abusive parent" dynamic. Because he cannot reflect on his internal pain, he projects it onto your son and experiences those feelings through your son. First, he has to create the dynamic. He will do this by setting your son up as the victimized child of an abusive parent -- except you will be the abusive parent (projection). Your ex then becomes the protective parent (delusion). Your ex cannot see your son as a person with a separate authentic self -- this is part of having a personality disordered parenting structure.

There will be a role reversal when the two of them are alone together where your ex will begin to set up the alienating dynamic, the two of them against you. Your ex will likely fish for examples that you are incompetent, dangerous, any of the qualities that actually define who your ex is. 

This is often how it looks when you have kids. It's almost an extension of the disorder. When you read how families coparent after the divorce on these boards, very rarely (if ever) are there cases where parental alienation doesn't exist in one way or another.

If a BPD parent cannot resolve grief and pain, and uses the child to try and do this, it creates not only a pathology in the child, it puts tremendous pressure on your bond with your child.

This is why validation is so important -- to offset the invalidating environment your ex will create (son is seen as a canvas where he can project his own psychological problems with inadequacy and abandonment) and help your son develop an authentic self.

That's why it's best to minimize the child's time spent with the BPD parent.

Sometimes, though, the BPD parent gets 50/50 custody and unofficially ends up with 30/70 because he or she cannot handle the stresses of parenting. In that case, you end up with less court conflict, and more time. There does seem to be a gender tendency among male BPD fathers to not show up, although this does happen with BPD mothers too.

In some ways, getting sole legal custody can be the most important part of all this so that you can get your child into therapy without resistance and stonewalling. Or making medical decisions without your ex blocking you. Anything that creates anxiety and stress, like a sick child, or a child who develops behavioral issues, is potentially triggering to your ex. To manage that anxiety, he will likely work against you, which is working against your child. I wish it didn't have to be that way, but that's how it seems to go with many of the families here.  :'(

My ex worked so hard to prevent from son from getting support services from the school. It made absolutely no rational sense whatsoever. In BPD logic, though, the extreme core inadequacy and abandonment has to be deflected. I realized my ex could not tolerate any kind of inadequacy in our son because he saw our son as himself -- and being inadequate was such a massive threat to the narcissistic/borderline defense structures that he had to fight it as though I was abusing him.