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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Dog bite Bad... bad scene at my house today  (Read 448 times)
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« on: May 06, 2015, 07:08:23 PM »



So... .a cute little second grade neighbor girl is at our house today... .bunch of kids out there... .I was in yard as well.  We were having a great time.  Neighbor dog was over too.  Wife was coming home from substitute teaching.

I missed seeing the actual bite by a second or two... .was just looking the other way... .but nothing was going on that should have triggered the dog.  So... .99% sure this was dogs fault.

It was face bite... .and I'm guessing a scratch with a paw.  I'm not a good enough medical guy to know if part of the lower lip is actually gone... .or if there is a couple inch long split.  Either way... .it looks horrible... .

This is same dog that was brought into house against my objections... .after all the promises faded... .a bit over a year ago.

Same dog that got into fight with our other dog... .that our kids were in the midst of and they ended up bitten/scratched... .I didn't see it... .but heard it.

The older dog... .that appeared to be aggressor... .was put down.  Wife didn't want to take any action against the younger dog... .I was unsure... .the older dog seemed to clearly be the aggressor.

I wish I had taken a stand then... .I could have avoided today... .I'm still shakey... .it's a couple hours later.

10 day quarantine and this dog will be put down.  Wife is not fighting it now.

I can't imagine I will ever be ok with having another dog brought into this chaos.

In one year we have had 3 major dog incidents... .if I remember right.

I'm going to try to go for a walk later... .can calm down some.  Usually takes several more hours after something like this for me to get back to baseline.

We haven't heard back from girls parents... .after they took her to dr.

I'm kicking myself... .very frustrated... .and... .scared for the future.  While my wife is high functioning... .she seems to keep allowing... .advocating for... .situations which are clearly dangerous... .and throwing it in my face... .up until the point my fears come true... .then she hides.

Not just dogs... .there have been situations in automobiles... .

Police called me right after we moved here... .after pulling over my oldest... .and a pickup truck load of kids... .yes in back. 

It's illegal in this state.   It was not illegal in the state we moved from.  I knew that... .my wife had watched me refuse to let kids ride in back because of that.  She thought I was fun sponge... .told oldest to do it when I wasn't around... .and he earned his first contact with police... .dealings with court system... .they were concerned about the young age of some she put in back.     

There is a pattern here... .or at least I see a pattern... .wife does not see it ( of course... .) 

My youngest is 2... .that's a long time to think about trying to keep her safe... .   :'( :'( :'(

I see acts of omission... .as much different that acts of commission.  So... .she things about rules... .guidelines... .and consciously decides they are no big deal... .or she can blow them off... .does... .and consequences rain down... .many times on our children. 

No more dogs in this house... .not unless there is a miraculous cure... .she starts behaving responsibly.  If that ends our r/s... .so be it.  I'll do whatever I need to in order to prevent it... .I can't look at another face like I saw today.




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Michelle27
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« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2015, 07:25:48 PM »

I am so sorry.  That sounds so traumatic.  Great job though so soon afterwards deciding on a boundary (no dogs unless... .).  I wish I had reacted so many times with the "right" response, but unfortunately, I haven't. 

Hang in there today and be kind to yourself.
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« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2015, 08:17:53 PM »

 

We haven't heard back from neighbors... .we've texted and haven't gotten a reply.  Trying to figure out how bad she is... .

I helped my D18 with some summer job applications... .and now I'm heading out for a walk. 

Wife has retreated to youngest two daughters' room... .

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« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2015, 08:19:33 PM »

   

Wanted to offer some hugs of support!

Do they live close enough for you to stop by and talk to them?
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« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2015, 08:27:23 PM »

   

Wanted to offer some hugs of support!

Do they live close enough for you to stop by and talk to them?

Yep... .but... .I have no idea if they are still at dr or not.  And... .in this situation... .if I was them... .I would want to be in charge of when to reach out... .vice being pestered.

My plan... .is to hang on until tomorrow.  If I haven't heard by then... .I'll call or stop by.

We have texted before... .and my wife and I have both texted... .so... .I'm guessing they are working through this on their end.  I want to give them space... .

Sigh... .

Thanks for the hug VOC!

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« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2015, 09:14:47 PM »

I'm sorry to hear this FF. I hope the girl is OK. I know this is upsetting.
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« Reply #6 on: May 07, 2015, 05:49:35 AM »

 

Update on things... .

The local clinic in town sent the girl about 30 minutes away to the regional emergency room. 

She got lots of stitches there... .didn't get the exact number.  This was my wife texting with the girls mom.

My daughter has class with the girl... .so I should get some feedback today on how it looks.

Animal Control:  The dog has to stay "up" (alive) for 10 days to make sure no behavior changes (rabies issues) before being put down.

We were able to find our shot records and everything was up to date... .and has been up to date before this shot.  So... .I think we should be good on that front.

Lots of sadness amongst the family about this... .but everyone understands that we can never trust the dog again... .nobody is trying to fight the decision to put the dog down.

I intended to go for a sort walk last night... .turned into a long one... .with a big stretching and some exercising when I got back home. 

Luckily I don't feel triggered anymore... .there is still disbelief... .

Disbelief mainly in myself... .that I saw danger coming (the way dogs are treated/trained)... .and didn't act.

Sigh... .wife and I will both be around house today.  Right now she doesn't have a substitute assignment for today.  I've got several projects to keep me busy. 

FF
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« Reply #7 on: May 07, 2015, 06:14:50 AM »

I'm confused. I thought this was a neighbor dog- but you have the shot records? Whose dog is this? When you speak about treating/training dogs, I'm not sure who is responsible for this dog.

I am sorry about what happened. We had a neighborhood dog- it belonged to a neighbor, and it was a menace. The kids in the neighborhood were afraid of him. It sounds like this dog and the kids were playing and the dog got overstimulated. I agree with putting him down though, because if he can bite like this, then he is a danger to kids.

From your posts, it makes me wonder if your wife is trying to be "friends" with your kids- like letting them drive others in the pick up truck, getting dogs ( what kid doesn't want to have a dog). When you discipline them, she comes in like the "good guy" and rescues them- not necessarily for their own good.

I am sorry about the child and I hope that she will be OK.



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« Reply #8 on: May 07, 2015, 07:15:24 AM »

I'm confused. I thought this was a neighbor dog- but you have the shot records? Whose dog is this? When you speak about treating/training dogs, I'm not sure who is responsible for this dog.

This was our dog... .our dog did the biting... .a bit over a year ago... .we had two dogs.  This and one other.  They were being kept at my parents because of their bad behavior... .and because there was not consistency here with training, discipline... .any of that.  One day... .the older dog (pit mix) was sick... .so I suggested we bring that dog... .and only that dog over to monitor sickness and then take back to my parents.  My parents are 3-4 minutes away and have fenced back yard.

Anyway... .wife and daughter (oldest) chat... .and decide it's time to bring dogs home... .I'm overblowing things.  So... .they bring them home.  I pitch a fit... . Within days there is massive dog fight inside our house... .my 3 year old (at time) was in middle of it.  Bloody mess... .no stitches required.  Older dog was put down.  We should have put them both down and been done with dogs.

A neighbor dog was over as well.  


From your posts, it makes me wonder if your wife is trying to be "friends" with your kids- like letting them drive others in the pick up truck, getting dogs ( what kid doesn't want to have a dog). When you discipline them, she comes in like the "good guy" and rescues them- not necessarily for their own good.

Yes... .however... .with the BPD traits... .she flips with no warning.  And becomes a strict disciplinary parent.  Used to dish out corporal punishment like no tomorrow... .then will flip back to friend mode.  I try to provide consistency... .

FF
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« Reply #9 on: May 08, 2015, 08:46:02 AM »

 

Update... .other family is understanding.  Girl got stitches and the report from the emergency room is that they expect everything to heal ok.

I didn't ask about scars or that kind of thing.

Couple of my kids went down the street to see how she was doing last evening.

FF
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« Reply #10 on: May 08, 2015, 08:56:36 AM »

After the dysregulation, it is possible that your wife is going to be on her best behavior. I have learned that, instead of apologizing and being accountable, the pwBPD is very very good. This is the best they can do to hopefully magically erase what happened. They want to erase it and they expect you to do it too. If you dare bring it up, they will say, "look how nice I am, I'm a nice person"  It will be as if it never happened.

This would confuse the heck out of me when I was a kid. Go to bed with raging mom, wake up to wonderful mom. If I dared bring up what happened " Oh honey that didn't happen".

With my H it was " I start every day with a clean slate. I am optimistic about the future. You should be too. There's something wrong with you if you keep bringing up the past. Don't ruin a good day"

Or if I bring up something " Well it isn't ALL bad is it? "  No, it is not all bad or all good, but those are the only two choices in the black/white thinking world.

So I guess, if they are being "all good" for the moment, then they could not have been "bad"? Well, if she's nice for a while, enjoy it.
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« Reply #11 on: May 08, 2015, 09:04:50 AM »

After the dysregulation, it is possible that your wife is going to be on her best behavior. I have learned that, instead of apologizing and being accountable, the pwBPD is very very good. This is the best they can do to hopefully magically erase what happened. They want to erase it and they expect you to do it too. If you dare bring it up, they will say, "look how nice I am, I'm a nice person"  It will be as if it never happened.

This would confuse the heck out of me when I was a kid. Go to bed with raging mom, wake up to wonderful mom. If I dared bring up what happened " Oh honey that didn't happen".

With my H it was " I start every day with a clean slate. I am optimistic about the future. You should be too. There's something wrong with you if you keep bringing up the past. Don't ruin a good day"

Or if I bring up something " Well it isn't ALL bad is it? "  No, it is not all bad or all good, but those are the only two choices in the black/white thinking world.

So I guess, if they are being "all good" for the moment, then they could not have been "bad"? Well, if she's nice for a while, enjoy it.

Thanks, Notwendy. You just filled in a missing puzzle piece for me. Your explanation makes perfect sense of nonsensical behavior.  Idea Idea Idea
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