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Author Topic: The switch to black often happens when things are at their best - why is that?  (Read 497 times)
jcarter4856
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« on: May 06, 2015, 10:48:03 PM »

Many of the significant disregulation episodes for my upBPDw (marking the beginning of days or weeks of ST) have occurred just at the point of maximum harmony and peace. And I mean right at the instant as in we're cuddling and she's telling me how lucky she is to be with me, how wonderful I am, how happy she is. Then BOOM! 5 minutes later she's madder than a wet hen and it takes days or weeks to get back to normality, and in that 5 minutes I didn't do anything. At least nothing worse than leave the toilet seat up|down. I don't really recall any disregulation/ST episode that began when things were just kinda ok. After years of this to be honest I get pretty twitchy when she becomes super-lovey because it is so often the precursor to a turn to the dark side. Anyone else notice this? Is there an explanation?



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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2015, 10:52:34 PM »

Many of the significant disregulation episodes for my upBPDw (marking the beginning of days or weeks of ST) have occurred just at the point of maximum harmony and peace. And I mean right at the instant as in we're cuddling and she's telling me how lucky she is to be with me, how wonderful I am, how happy she is. Then BOOM! 5 minutes later she's madder than a wet hen and it takes days or weeks to get back to normality, and in that 5 minutes I didn't do anything. At least nothing worse than leave the toilet seat up|down. I don't really recall any disregulation/ST episode that began when things were just kinda ok. After years of this to be honest I get pretty twitchy when she becomes super-lovey because it is so often the precursor to a turn to the dark side. Anyone else notice this? Is there an explanation?


My wife made a statement when we first got together that said, "I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop."  The truth is, she creates the shoe and drops it.  It's part of the push/pull and engulfment.  I think they feel like it's going too good and it's only a matter of time before something goes wrong (they cause/create it usually).
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JRT
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« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2015, 11:50:16 PM »

My exBPDfiance had just sold all of her furniture and moved into my house... .her troubled son had moved in with his dad after finally finishing high school. He was a source of constant misery for her. We ordered out wedding rings and begin to settle in to a quiet and pleasant life, the one that eluded us both. We both thought (and her family and friends), FINALLY! Three weeks in and I left in a business trip... .from nowhere I received an angry text indicating that our relationship was over... .that she had moved out and I should never attempt to contact her!

There were some triggers that were involved but plain and simple; she got too close - she achieved the intimacy that she never knew (but deseerately wanted) and it caused her emotions to short circuit.

Its been over 7 months: I have not heard from her and have no idea even where she lives.
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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2015, 11:54:16 PM »

My exBPDfiance had just sold all of her furniture and moved into my house... .her troubled son had moved in with his dad after finally finishing high school. He was a source of constant misery for her. We ordered out wedding rings and begin to settle in to a quiet and pleasant life, the one that eluded us both. We both thought (and her family and friends), FINALLY! Three weeks in and I left in a business trip... .from nowhere I received an angry text indicating that our relationship was over... .that she had moved out and I should never attempt to contact her!

There were some triggers that were involved but plain and simple; she got too close - she achieved the intimacy that she never knew (but deseerately wanted) and it caused her emotions to short circuit.

Its been over 7 months: I have not heard from her and have no idea even where she lives.

That must be extremely hard JRT!  I can't think which is worse, your story (her leaving and not contacting) or mine (been in turmoil for 10 months even though it is regulating on some level)... .
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JRT
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« Reply #4 on: May 07, 2015, 12:05:45 AM »

Not that your situation, I can imagine, is any less painful. There is so much that I left out. We had a great relationship and never argued, go figure! She blocked me in every possible way to contact her (including social media where she deleted all of my friends and convinced hers to do the same and they did!) and when I called her on xmas eve, she hung up after I introduced myself and then called the cops on me!

He behavior is almost like she is running from someone that beat her or some such like that. Nothing could be further from the truth: I treated her with profound respect and love... .the corresponding drama is way out of proportion.

This has been the most bizarre and painful chapter of my life BY FAR.
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Asixthsense
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« Reply #5 on: May 07, 2015, 09:18:41 AM »

I started keeping a journal of when my uBPDh turns to the darkside with me. I have come to notice that if he is giving me the warm fuzzies, lovey dovey stuff it is an indication he has done something wrong-which is usually he either lied to me or bought something expensive behind my back. Its almost like he sets it up in his mind that " you cant be mad at me because I am showing you how much you mean to me" but he knows I am going to be upset, so  he  projects the anger he created himself onto me. So its almost like he is projecting what he wants from me (warm fuzzies) to make him feel better about the chaos he just brought into our relationship.  In a nutshell, he is overly nice/fake before a storm because he did something deceitful/wrong. Make sense?
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Notwendy
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« Reply #6 on: May 07, 2015, 09:27:44 AM »

Yup, if my H is overly nice to me, I wonder what he is up to.

Sad to think this way, but... .

Sometimes it isn't because he bought something but because he wants to buy something. So after he buys me something, then, he runs out and gets the item he wants.

I used to joke about this with him. I am not into cars, and to be fair, he only buys one when he needs one. However, when it is time for me to get one, I look for one that is economical. Then, he runs out and gets a nice one with all the bells and whistles.


I don't like lovey dovey, and I don't like raging crazy. I am content with even keel, even indifference.
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Jessica84
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« Reply #7 on: May 07, 2015, 02:18:50 PM »

This must be a common theme. I also get nervous when things are going well. I used to think I was the one sabotaging the relationship! I used to blame myself for picking a fight with him... .why did I do that when everything was going fine? Then I realized... .it's not me... .he was the one who always found a way to muck things up, push my buttons, get a reaction. Now I can see the writing on the wall... .uh-oh, he's getting too close! So instead of leaning forward, I pull back.

I think when they get too close they worry we will expect it from them consistently, which naturally we do. We think yay, the drama is finally over! We can relax and be happy now! So they invent some nonsense to remind us the waters will never stay smooth. They get scared and then mad at us for making them feel too safe or secure. They don't believe a good r/s is possible, that eventually we will hurt them if things get too comfortable.

So now I enjoy the good moments, but try not to expect them to last. Past experience has taught me not to trust his "pull" too much. Before I get the "push" I tend to pull away slightly... .not to brace myself exactly, more to ground myself. And very subtly, mentally. It's a balancing act for sure, but it keeps him from that overwhelming feeling of engulfment that leads to chaos somewhere inside him.
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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #8 on: May 07, 2015, 02:24:51 PM »

It's a balancing act for sure, but it keeps him from that overwhelming feeling of engulfment that leads to chaos somewhere inside him.

I haven't figured this out yet in my r/s with my wife.  One time I said I was going home for the night and she started asking questions (we had spent every day for about a week together and wanted to pull back a little to help her engulfment) and she created something to "pull back" anyway.  How are you doing it Jess?
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OffRoad
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« Reply #9 on: May 07, 2015, 05:03:10 PM »

It's a balancing act for sure, but it keeps him from that overwhelming feeling of engulfment that leads to chaos somewhere inside him.

I haven't figured this out yet in my r/s with my wife.  One time I said I was going home for the night and she started asking questions (we had spent every day for about a week together and wanted to pull back a little to help her engulfment) and she created something to "pull back" anyway.  How are you doing it Jess?

ML, YOU can't be the one to pull back, SHE has to be the one to pull back. She has to be in control, you see? I think BPD people all have different balances, and different balances at different times in their lives.
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Jessica84
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« Reply #10 on: May 07, 2015, 05:23:30 PM »

I don't do a full pull-back... .more mentally, not physically... .emotionally stopping myself from getting too engulfed so HE doesn't. Saying you are leaving is physically pulling back. This can trigger their abandonment fears and lead to more push/pull... .

I've screwed this up both ways - lingering too long past his Prince Charming expiration hour... .and leaving too soon before he was ready, turning him into either Mr. Needy or Mr. I Don't Need You. It's a hard tightrope to walk.
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Verbena
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« Reply #11 on: May 07, 2015, 06:19:37 PM »

If my H is in a good mood--and that is a VERY rare occurrence--I know that his mood will turn black in a matter of hours, if not minutes.  It's almost like he's "trying on" this different personality but then realizes he doesn't like being nice.  It's not what he knows.  So he goes back to his normal self which is miserable/negative/moody/critical. 

It took me many years to figure this out.  Once I did, I started to feel very anxious when he would have a rare good mood because I knew a REALLY bad one was right around the corner. 

The only other times he would be in a good mood were when he thought sex was in his future.  He would completely change his demeanor but then go right back to his horrible-to-be-around persona after he got what he was after.  I got to the point a few years ago that I couldn't tolerate that anymore.  I felt used and manipulated.  So now, we have no physical relationship whatsoever, and he refuses to discuss with me why I feel the way I do. 

He will not accept any responsibility for our lack of a sex life.  It's all my fault and has nothing to do with his behavior because, in his eyes, there is nothing wrong with his behavior.  And if I tell him what the behavior is that I have an issue with, he says he doesn't know what I'm talking about or he doesn't remember

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an0ught
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« Reply #12 on: May 09, 2015, 12:11:39 PM »

This is quite common and the reason chasing bliss (getting back to the falling in love phase) is less effective than focusing on emotional regulation.

At the core of the crash from the top is

1) sometimes over the top positive emotions. When emotions are over the top then that is a form of dysregulation too like rage. Logic goes out of the window and anything can happen.

often also in combination with

2) sensitivity to invalidation and splitting. Splitting can cause emotions to fluctuate quickly. Imaging a really positive situation and now for a short time emotions of the pwBPD turn negative. The positive situation has now turned invalidating the inner negative emotional situation of the pwBPD. The result of invalidation is quickly escalating emotions, in this case negative emotions and boom.

Awareness of the momentary emotions of the pwBPD and quickly addressing negative emotions appropriately (e.g. "Uh, that sound scary" see validation workshops) can lessen these incidences. It can also help to validate over the top positive emotions and so tune them back a bit from bliss to feel good, again being careful here addressing the positive emotions ("Wow, glad for you" and avoiding to appear to control them.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #13 on: May 11, 2015, 07:01:10 AM »

Many of the significant disregulation episodes for my upBPDw (marking the beginning of days or weeks of ST) have occurred just at the point of maximum harmony and peace... .Is there an explanation?

A pwBPD has a very strong fear of abandonment... .and a very strong fear of engulfment as well.

They are trying to balance on a razor's edge between the two, and it doesn't work. What you saw was the fear of abandonment going away... .and him getting lost in the fear of engulfment, and then going into a full-blown dysregulation.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #14 on: May 11, 2015, 07:14:56 AM »

So true GK. I see it like the waves, or the tide, or gravity. What goes up, must go down.

I find that the easiest backdrop for all this is even keel- not expressing strong emotions either way. That doesn't mean I don't have them, I just don't see a place for them when I am relating to my H.

I used to think he was the one who was unemotional. He keeps a tight lid on his feelings unless he is raging. I find that strong feelings, either way, are triggering. I used to think that I was the one who expressed his feelings for him. If he was in a bad mood, he could begin an argument with me. I'd react, he'd stay calm. Then, he would blame me or point out how irrational I am. However, I won't take that role now.
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waverider
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« Reply #15 on: May 11, 2015, 07:52:28 AM »

Self sabotage as a result of subconsciously believing they don't deserve this happiness.

They dump it, before it dumps them
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apollotech
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« Reply #16 on: May 12, 2015, 10:15:39 PM »

Hi jcarter,

"Many of the significant disregulation episodes for my upBPDw (marking the beginning of days or weeks of ST) have occurred just at the point of maximum harmony and peace."

That sounds like fear of engulfment to me---intimacy=push. When the relationship with my BPDexgf was as you described, loving, she'd push away.
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tortuga

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« Reply #17 on: May 13, 2015, 12:19:37 AM »

I don't do a full pull-back... .more mentally, not physically... .emotionally stopping myself from getting too engulfed so HE doesn't. Saying you are leaving is physically pulling back. This can trigger their abandonment fears and lead to more push/pull... .

I think that I tend to try to stay in this range as well.  I don't know if it's healthy or not, (probably not), but it seems to be the easiest equilibrium point.

Excerpt
I've screwed this up both ways - lingering too long past his Prince Charming expiration hour... .and leaving too soon before he was ready, turning him into either Mr. Needy or Mr. I Don't Need You. It's a hard tightrope to walk.

It's also not a pleasant tightrope, because the place that seems to lead to the least conflict, (at least in my relationship) is a very cold and lonely place. It is not a warm, close, intimate relationship. It is at arm's length. Where I'm basically little more than a walking ATM. It's not actually very rewarding, but at least it minimizes the conflict.
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