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Author Topic: Question for the experianced members  (Read 403 times)
Eco
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« on: May 06, 2015, 11:01:12 PM »

In the beginning how did you handle your feelings of frustration and anger towards your ex? did you have those kinds of feelings?

I was doing really well and finally accepted that my ex was going to be the way she is, I have really detached from her and my need to try and fix things.

That being said, my ex knows she can get to me through my daughter. I am in control and not doing or saying anything stupid but inside my blood is boiling. I want to yell at my ex and say " HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO A TWO YEAR OLD?" In my book she is a coward and a bully. I don't like feeling this way at all, im a friendly and peaceful person and I go out of my way to get along with people so it isn't in my character to feel this way.

Am I overreacting or being over protective of my daughter?   
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JRT
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« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2015, 11:43:29 PM »

I embraced the anger... .its ok to be angry with your ex and part of the process (so long as you don't act upon it in an unproductive way)... .you have the right, not sure what your ex did but I have a beef with mine regarding my daughter as well... .mine loved her too and really looked up to her... .she never even though of explaining her actions to my daughter, 15 years old but a child nonetheless... .selfish, simply selfish
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Eco
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« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2015, 12:32:11 AM »

Excerpt
not sure what your ex did but I have a beef with mine regarding my daughter as well

My ex had given me some extra time with my daughter while she was at work, the deal was I pick my daughter up at daycare and bring her back when my ex got off work. everything was fine until my ex wanted me to give up Friday nights on my weekend and I wouldn't.

so to get back at me she said I could visit my daughter at daycare but not leave, this really confused my daughter and made her sad as she wanted to leave and go to our normal place.

All the teachers at daycare thought it was horrible what my ex was doing
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livednlearned
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« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2015, 10:04:57 AM »

I think detaching is the right word -- as in, detaching, not detached. It's an active process that's ongoing.

Anger is a part of detaching, although often it's a secondary emotion covering a deeper hurt that we're afraid to experience. I can think of no greater raw hurt and pain that feeling my child's hurt, or worrying about his safety. This is not easy stuff to work through. You've done a profound amount of detaching, Eco. Especially given how much control your ex has through the court order, how little visitation you have had.

I ended up doing well in court, and this probably helped me detach because it was very validating that the court, lawyers, PCs, schools, etc. all saw things the same way. And they liked how I was handling things. When my ex had his psychotic episode, it had a life-changing effect on me. I went to the darkest place I had been suppressing -- the fear that N/BPDx had it in him to be that dangerous, especially to the one person I loved more than anyone. Facing that fear was the most painful horrific experience, but after leaning right into it, there is no longer anything there. It made me feel seriously fierce and the beginning of me growing my titanium backbone. And that made it easier for me to treat the court actions like a job. I was able to focus on strategy, disagree with my lawyer (and win  Smiling (click to insert in post)) and talk to the judge with 100% conviction.

So sometimes, it's when things are really challenging that we go to the mat with our feelings, and as painful as they are, and as hard as it is, that's actually what generates the momentum to change at a deep fundamental level.

It's weird to say this, but I almost miss the raw emotional stage that went with the first two years post-divorce because there was so much I learned during that stretch of time.

When your ex does things to anger you, lean into the pain and see what's there. It's a legitimate, appropriate feeling, and smoothing over it doesn't necessarily mean you are detaching. The key is to not get stuck in anger -- after a while, it serves no purpose except as a false type of protection that is truly a miserable experience, although some people practically make a career of being bitter and angry. Instead, use the energy from anger to propel you to figure out what needs to be done, and take it as a sign that something really big is going on underneath, more challenging and painful feelings you may not want to confront.

There are some Lessons on the leaving board about detaching: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

Although I think when there are kids and courts involved, there is an extra challenge. I found it helped knowing that whatever I modeled for S13 was going to be a healthy blueprint for him. I didn't want him to grow up bitter and angry, and that motivated me to get a handle on my emotions.
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Breathe.
Eco
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« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2015, 12:40:02 AM »

Excerpt
Anger is a part of detaching, although often it's a secondary emotion covering a deeper hurt that we're afraid to experience. I can think of no greater raw hurt and pain that feeling my child's hurt, or worrying about his safety. This is not easy stuff to work through. You've done a profound amount of detaching, Eco. Especially given how much control your ex has through the court order, how little visitation you have had.

No its not easy, this person is the most difficult individual I have ever dealt with. Everything seems to be an issue no matter how trivial. I love my daughter Immensely so I guess when it comes to someone hurting her (even if its her own mother) it really bothers me. I feel helpless and want to protect her but my hands are tied, Its like having a 5 year old (my ex)in charge of a business and im constantly putting out fires. its tiring

Excerpt
I ended up doing well in court, and this probably helped me detach because it was very validating that the court, lawyers, PCs, schools, etc. all saw things the same way. And they liked how I was handling things. When my ex had his psychotic episode, it had a life-changing effect on me. I went to the darkest place I had been suppressing -- the fear that N/BPDx had it in him to be that dangerous, especially to the one person I loved more than anyone. Facing that fear was the most painful horrific experience, but after leaning right into it, there is no longer anything there. It made me feel seriously fierce and the beginning of me growing my titanium backbone. And that made it easier for me to treat the court actions like a job. I was able to focus on strategy, disagree with my lawyer (and win  smiley) and talk to the judge with 100% conviction.

I know how you feel, that's my main worry that my ex will lose control with my daughter. my daughter had a black eye a few weeks ago and I still question if she fell and hit a door like my ex said she did. this isn't the first time one of her kids has had a black eye. I agree that this has lit a fire in me to fight with everything I have to make sure my daughter is safe.

Excerpt
When your ex does things to anger you, lean into the pain and see what's there. It's a legitimate, appropriate feeling, and smoothing over it doesn't necessarily mean you are detaching. The key is to not get stuck in anger -- after a while, it serves no purpose except as a false type of protection that is truly a miserable experience, although some people practically make a career of being bitter and angry. Instead, use the energy from anger to propel you to figure out what needs to be done, and take it as a sign that something really big is going on underneath, more challenging and painful feelings you may not want to confront.

that's what im trying not to do is get stuck in that anger, at this point im tired of feeling this way. I was past it until my ex started using my daughter as a tool to get even with me again.

Excerpt
Although I think when there are kids and courts involved, there is an extra challenge. I found it helped knowing that whatever I modeled for S13 was going to be a healthy blueprint for him. I didn't want him to grow up bitter and angry, and that motivated me to get a handle on my emotions.

Indeed I am diligently watching my emotions when my daughter is around and I make sure to be as friendly as possible to my ex in front of my daughter to show a better example



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Overseas1899

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« Reply #5 on: May 11, 2015, 01:53:17 AM »

That's what my mother would tell me when my ex stepfather had again blackened her eyes. I don't believe it was a doorknob. I would take my child to a doctor, have it documented and tell the doctor your concerns.
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