Anger is a part of detaching, although often it's a secondary emotion covering a deeper hurt that we're afraid to experience. I can think of no greater raw hurt and pain that feeling my child's hurt, or worrying about his safety. This is not easy stuff to work through. You've done a profound amount of detaching, Eco. Especially given how much control your ex has through the court order, how little visitation you have had.
No its not easy, this person is the most difficult individual I have ever dealt with. Everything seems to be an issue no matter how trivial. I love my daughter Immensely so I guess when it comes to someone hurting her (even if its her own mother) it really bothers me. I feel helpless and want to protect her but my hands are tied, Its like having a 5 year old (my ex)in charge of a business and im constantly putting out fires. its tiring
I ended up doing well in court, and this probably helped me detach because it was very validating that the court, lawyers, PCs, schools, etc. all saw things the same way. And they liked how I was handling things. When my ex had his psychotic episode, it had a life-changing effect on me. I went to the darkest place I had been suppressing -- the fear that N/BPDx had it in him to be that dangerous, especially to the one person I loved more than anyone. Facing that fear was the most painful horrific experience, but after leaning right into it, there is no longer anything there. It made me feel seriously fierce and the beginning of me growing my titanium backbone. And that made it easier for me to treat the court actions like a job. I was able to focus on strategy, disagree with my lawyer (and win smiley) and talk to the judge with 100% conviction.
I know how you feel, that's my main worry that my ex will lose control with my daughter. my daughter had a black eye a few weeks ago and I still question if she fell and hit a door like my ex said she did. this isn't the first time one of her kids has had a black eye. I agree that this has lit a fire in me to fight with everything I have to make sure my daughter is safe.
When your ex does things to anger you, lean into the pain and see what's there. It's a legitimate, appropriate feeling, and smoothing over it doesn't necessarily mean you are detaching. The key is to not get stuck in anger -- after a while, it serves no purpose except as a false type of protection that is truly a miserable experience, although some people practically make a career of being bitter and angry. Instead, use the energy from anger to propel you to figure out what needs to be done, and take it as a sign that something really big is going on underneath, more challenging and painful feelings you may not want to confront.
that's what im trying not to do is get stuck in that anger, at this point im tired of feeling this way. I was past it until my ex started using my daughter as a tool to get even with me again.
Although I think when there are kids and courts involved, there is an extra challenge. I found it helped knowing that whatever I modeled for S13 was going to be a healthy blueprint for him. I didn't want him to grow up bitter and angry, and that motivated me to get a handle on my emotions.
Indeed I am diligently watching my emotions when my daughter is around and I make sure to be as friendly as possible to my ex in front of my daughter to show a better example