Do they create problems solely to justify disregulation?

[waverider]

This happens with my partner a lot - I think she is scared of emotions such as peace and contentment and only feels safe with all the angry, nasty negative ones.

Attempting to sync the environment with her emotions, rather than the more healthy approach of doing it the other way around

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdEthyl]

I got the wrong order from Popeye's Chicken once... .they gave us child's meals. I didn't check the bag first, brought it over... .and it turned into I think he's fat and this was my passive-aggressive way of forcing him to diet.   

A restaurant forgot cheese on his burger once and I didn't check the meals before I got home. It was "I didn't care enough about him to check"   This was early on when I didn't know where the heck that come from.

Asking those kinds of questions never works for me when he's in that state. It tends to lead to JADEing. It's so hard in the moment to end an argument like this. Or to remember to validate. I never know what else to do, other than repeat "hmmm... .you're right... .yup". If he still won't calm down I suddenly remember something I forgot at the store! A few minutes of raging by himself usually does the trick.

When it happens over something so small like this I wish I could rewind to the moment I made the big tragic mistake... .like getting the wrong soda, moving his keys, leaving a drawer open (you know, so he would purposely trip over it  ), or in your case... .showing him how to turn a knob and getting shot at by zombies!    But since I can't time travel... .it's yup... .uh-huh... .sorry... .you're right... .

And it doesn't. I know it doesn't, but sometimes I get really tired of "uh huh. Yep. You're right." He demands me to say he was right... .he wants those exact words said and it will continue if I don't say it. I told him I've already apologized, and I'm not doing it again. I told him I feel bullied when the conversation gets this way.

I'm just not gonna put up with his fluff anymore. I can listen, be supportive and understanding, but I'm not going to be bullied. He had a bad day on Friday. I knew it when I texted him after work asking if he needed anything from the store, and he said he missed me terribly and just needs me to come home. Anytime he's missing me... .he's dysregulating and wants me home.

I had asked him to move our 2nd car from the driveway so I could get the one I was driving in. He did not do it. So, I went and grabbed the keys to swap the cars. I kept a smile on my face and didn't say a word about it. He asked me what i was doing, I said moving the cars. He says "Oh! Sorry! I was supposed to do that today!" I said that's ok hun... .no biggie it will only take me a sec.

I move them around, come back in and start taking my shoes off. He was talking about something he read... .and mid-sentence got angry at me. He asked me what he did wrong... .why I was mad at him. I tried to keep the surprise off my face, but I didn't. I told him I wasn't angry at him at all. He starts yelling at me that he can tell from my face.

Calmly, I told him I was going to take a drive for 15 minutes and come back. We could talk when I get back if he's calm.

Suddenly, he panically says "No! I don't want you to go!" So, he calmed down and didn't yell or accuse anymore. He went back to talking about the thing he was reading and all was forgotten.

I hate using that "I'm going to leave" thing... .but it's been working. I think in this case... .he was upset he forgot to move the car, so he was projecting that I would be mad... .even though I wasn't.

[Oooohm]

Instability is not such a scary place to live when you aren't alone. They can't come to your emotional state so they draw you to their emotional state.

Attempting to sync the environment with her emotions, rather than the more healthy approach of doing it the other way around

These are "too good" to only be seen once in this thread... .  Thumbs up Waverider

Jcarter,

I noticed you said your wife is 100% in control of the finances... .  I am sorry to tell you if she has BPD, she is not in control of the finances at all. It may be an eye opener for you but I recommend you pull all credit card statements, mortgage paperwork, any bill or debt that can and will charge you interest and late fees... .  Highlight in yellow any and all Interest and late fees over the last year, add them all up... .  you may be utterly shocked at how much $$ is flying out your door. Never mind her "Self Medicating" spending on "Stuff you guys need" (Don't really need).

Do it when she is not around... .otherwise you are in for a bigger problem.

[jcarter4856]

I noticed you said your wife is 100% in control of the finances... . I am sorry to tell you if she has BPD, she is not in control of the finances at all. It may be an eye opener for you but I recommend you pull all credit card statements, mortgage paperwork, any bill or debt that can and will charge you interest and late fees... . Highlight in yellow any and all Interest and late fees over the last year, add them all up... . you may be utterly shocked at how much $$ is flying out your door.

Good advice. As it turns out I'm aware of the details of the outgoings and I made sure I have passwords to all the accounts, and check them regularly. But yes, the scenario you outline is pretty much what's happening. Due to the fact that I'm lucky enough to be able to make a great deal of money, I'm not too worried about the spending side of things. Or at least, I'm willing to let it ride for the time being. Some aspects of her financial management are fun and interesting for me too I did know that DW had financial responsibility issues long before I discovered BPD and have had a very long standing policy of tying money up in places that are hard to get it out of, as a countermeasure. So there's that. But if I were not able to generate a enough money to pour into the top of the bucket with the hole in the bottom, it'd be very bad for sure. Meanwhile... .I enjoy my status as deadbeat loser failure member of the 1% 

[Hmcbart]

Ooohm : JC-

I know exactly what your saying. My wife feels the need to be in charge of the finances also. Of course it my fault because 20 years ago I bounced a $10 check. Granted I am in the finance business now and deal with million dollar accounts, but to her I still can't balance a check book. 

I have all of our bills set up so they send me an email the minute they are late. At that point I call her and then go online and make a payment. I had thought about check to see how much I've paid in late fees but I don't want to open that can of worms. I know it would trigger me and that's not needed at the moment. 

[letmeout]

Sometimes when my ex would go into an uncontrollable rage I would calmly ask 'do you need me to call an ambulance?' and he would immediately shut up and change his tune. It didn't always work, but sometimes it did!

[friskey]

It has been a while since my last post.    The singer actess Rita Oria had a great quote I saw in a magazine.   It was so simple I just have to quote it on this site.  'I have learnt to choose my battles'.  So simple but so far I am finding it effective.  If the battle is worth fighting then fight. If not do not waste precious energy.

[letmeout]

The topic of food: I once took a bite of his sancho thinking it was mine and he threw the entire thing in the garbage because I touched it. He had this thing about food; you couldn't touch his but yet he would devour half of mine whenever the mood struck him.

The topic of gifts: No matter what anyone bought him, he would get mad that he got a bad gift. Even if it was a great gift!

He bought me gifts meant for him all the time. A bowling ball for Christmas with his finger holes cut in it (he said since it didn't fit me then he could use it). Fishing or hunting equipment (that he could use since I didn't fish or hunt. Nothing was for me personally, it always had to end up as his.

[Butterfly12]

I would say yes.

As I read through all these, I am in shock by how many of you have partners that sound exactly like my husband. Including the financial piece. For years, he did all the finances. Then I took it over. But he wouldn't stop spending money (writing checks and using his debit card) we didn't have. When he saw all the overdrafts from the bank on the next statement he was so embarrassed he told me I made a mistake. I looked it over and discovered almost $200 of fees, and when I told him this he told me I was doing it wrong and he wanted to take responsibility back because he was the one "actually working" and all I did was take care of the kids.



Also, I have found that the most constructive way when my husband launches into a new pissed off nothingness is to not engage. It's probably not the right way to handle it, and he usually gets pissed off royally that I am not reacting with reaction he wants, to pull me into his anger, but it saves me the frustration and feeling like I was sucked into something I didn't want to be a part of.

He does this so frequently it's exhausting. And if he can't get me to react, he keeps trying. It's like he wants to prove over and over that I am the one with anger issues... .and the further I step back, and the calmer I get the more upset he does. However, no one sees this except us and our marriage counselor. And he tries to hide as much as he can from our counselor... .

[Wrongturn1]

Jcarter:  I like the way you think... .if fact, I wish I could sit down and have a beer with you and swap BPD stories sometime, but my uBPDw would accuse me of having been at the bar with some other woman instead, or maybe oogling the waitress, etc., so it would probably be more trouble for me than it was worth, LOL.   

But yes, I think they do create problems or situations to justify dysregulation.  For instance, awhile back, before I knew about BPD, my wife was chastising me, saying, "I think it's really morbid and unhealthy that you haven't deleted all those emails from your best friend from college [a guy, mind you] who died 5 years ago."  Thinking I must be the one with the issues, I took her advice and deleted the emails.  Then a month later, she comes back at me and says "I can't believe you deleted all those emails from your friend who died - you are a cold hearted person; you don't care about anyone; you want me to die... ." dysregulation ad nauseum... . 

Eventually I wised up, and these days, I do a better job of not stepping into those traps.  These days, I try to let her "enjoy" her crisis of the day without getting involved.