Having difficulty with making a decision to leave or stay

[Jonaduff]

Hi,

I've been in therapy for the ast few years and my therapist has suggested that my partner sounds like she is suffering with Bdp. This has been a shock for me, however it explains a possibility for the difficultys and conflict we have been facing. I love her and she is most definitely not a bad person by any means. So I am trying to find out if there is any hope for us as my therapist has told me I should leave the relationship as it will no get any better. We have been in couples counciling also and have seen an improvement over the last 6 months. But we just had a massive blow out being quite abusive to each other. I thought by understanding the disorder and my own issues i may be able to shift our dynamic. However I am wondering if I should share my therapists thinking with my partner. Not really sure what else to include at this moment in time other than I need help and am hopeful.

I

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Hi and welcome to the forums!

I wouldn't recommend sharing with your partner what your therapist said. Try to get a grip on what it is and what it entails. There are a lot of lessons on these forums that are meant to help you understand the disorder and how to respond without making things worse. It takes a lot of time and patience on your part. I wouldn't recommend making any kind of decision about anything until you have more information. If you look to the right side of this post, you will see the lessons. There are a lot of really great bits of wisdom in there. It can be a bit overwhelming to try to take it all in.

Also, there is an Undecided area that also has lessons. I believe that there is a lesson there that is supposed to help you evaluate whether or not you want to stay or go.

How long have you and your partner been together? Do you have any kids?

It is unlikely that your partner will change. If you are committed to staying with your partner, you can change yourself and your attitude and your approach to things and hopefully find a little bit of peace. Even then, there are going to be rough spots.

Do you have any specific questions? If not, you might browse through the lessons and see if there is anything specific that you want to ask about and then ask. Feel free to tell as much or as little of your story as you want. I find that writing stuff out helps me to process it and figure it out.

[an0ught]

Hi Jonaduff,

welcome to the board!

You got persistent problems and your T is committed to help you - it is their duty. As BPD thrives on interaction between partners a fairly reliable way to improve your situation is through separation. In some way it then makes sense that a T will be looking whether that is an option and challenge you. It can also be quite shocking  . The way you reacted to his question may tell you that you are not ready to face this question. It is still important knowing where YOU draw the line can be critical to accept the consequences for your boundaries. Often the ability to walk has enabled people to stay.

As VoC suggested sharing this with your partner is decidedly a bad idea. You were pretty upset and pwBPD tend to be upset very badly with such talk as it will trigger abandonment. Going near such a triggering topic without proper skills is not productive.

I thought by understanding the disorder and my own issues i may be able to shift our dynamic.

Yes, that is entirely possible, even likely that is you change the dynamic of the relationship changes. Whether that is enough nobody can tell.

However I am wondering if I should share my therapists thinking with my partner.

That is a quite common thought you should fundamentally unthink as there are several aspects in it that are at the root of the problems in your relationship.

 - What to share and what not to share. Proper management of boundaries.

 - The thought that discussion with your partner will change anything in your relationship. It will not change much. What matters a lot more is how you behave.

We have been in couples counciling also and have seen an improvement over the last 6 months. But we just had a massive blow out being quite abusive to each other.

Improvements take time. There is a lot of basic volatility that a pwBPD brings into the process which makes any progress two steps forward and one back. It is very easy to obsess over a single event and try to focus the energy on the outcome of one particular interaction. Detaching from controlling her but being committed to the use of skills and a few but clear boundaries matters a lot. Having a T and the board here will help you dealing with the randomness of the process.

Again ,

a0