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Author Topic: I am dying. Too much:(  (Read 433 times)
Lovingme35
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« on: May 07, 2015, 12:40:09 AM »

My mom contacted me tonight. Told me not to respond to BF of one year. I asked why. He apparently came on to her and wanted her to send naughty photos to him. I was close to his house and stopped by. He said he was sorry. Could not explain why he did it. Was cold as ice so I made him look me in the eyes. He broke down and said he was deliberately trying to ruin the relationship. Could not explain why. Didn't want me to go. Kept apologizing. I left anyway. He didn't try to stop me.  I am numb. Have not cried or processed this at. I am home now. I am a codependent where my world revolves around him. Help please!
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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Lovingme35
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« Reply #1 on: May 07, 2015, 12:53:02 AM »

I asked him how many other girls has he done this to and he said none. He broke up with all his other girlfriends. I have been the longest relationship. Sunday would be our one year anniversary. We just planned and paid for a cruise together at the end of the month. I am so hurt, I am crying now for the first time. Why would he do something like that? Is there any way to fix this?

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waver

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« Reply #2 on: May 07, 2015, 01:58:39 AM »

Hello, Lovingme

I often feel, that it is really difficult to understand, whether the cause of a BPD SO's action is intentional cruelty, or simply impulsivity, without considering any consequences... .

Calm down, give yourself time.



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EaglesJuju
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« Reply #3 on: May 07, 2015, 08:56:11 AM »

Hi Lovingme35, 

I am sorry that you are going through this.    I can understand how you can be hurt, frustrated, and confused by your pwBPD's behavior. 

Many times a pwBPD will sabotage relationships when things are going well. It is like they leave you before they can be rejected or abandoned.  Much of this has to do with a lack of self-esteem and self-loathing. PwBPD sometimes view themselves as "bad" or "evil" and feel that they are unworthy. To thwart these inherent feelings, a pwBPD will engage in impulsive behavior. Feelings for a pwBPD equal facts. For a pwBPD feelings can fluctuate.

My pwBPD has sabotaged the relationship before impulsively. A few days later he was saying the complete opposite. As Waver suggested, give it a little bit of time. 

Is your bf diagnosed or in treatment?



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"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
Lovingme35
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« Reply #4 on: May 07, 2015, 10:00:00 AM »

I am making an appointment today for someone that specializes in Schemas and the Borderline Personality. He texted me last night apologizing and basically saying that all of the problems we had in our relationship caused him to do it. I became angry and texted back that he was not going to blame this on me.

Last Saturday he introduced me to all of his coworkers at a boxing party. It was the first time I had met them in the year we have known each other. Since that night, I changed to black. I felt this brewing and knew we were headed for a break up. I just didn't know it would be this. He keeps apologizing and wants me to earn his trust back. Although I have begun to process what has happened, I still have no clear answers on how I feel about our future.
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Lovingme35
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« Reply #5 on: May 07, 2015, 01:41:13 PM »

I scheduled an appointment with someone that dialectical behavioral therapy. Do you think this is a good approach to someone with BPD?

I have started wondering about myself and my thinking. When is it going to be enough? Every time he breaks up with me, he takes it up a notch. Last time he broke up with me on my birthday, the day after my dad died. I could not even tell anyone about it because I was so embarrassed. Just when I think it can't get any worse, it does. Now my family hates him. He wants to apologize to my mom but she wont let him. I am not sure if this situation is even fixable. He can't explain his actions. I wonder if he did this to her, who else is he doing this to? He completely denies it. This therapist is in for a treat when she meets us.
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Lovingme35
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« Reply #6 on: May 07, 2015, 04:07:57 PM »

I am not ready to walk away yet. He agreed to go to therapy with me. As far as I am concerned, this can still be repaired somewhat. It will take time and a lot of effort on his part. As long as he keeps going to treatment, I think there may be hope.
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Lovingme35
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« Reply #7 on: May 07, 2015, 06:43:50 PM »

Thank you for your replies, but I am still planning on staying and going to therapy together. I am not ready to run away.
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Kwamina
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« Reply #8 on: May 08, 2015, 02:57:36 AM »

Hi Lovingme35

I am very sorry that you are in this difficult situation. Having your boyfriend behave like this and saying those things to your mom is very unsettling and I understand why it upsets you so.

However you decide to go forward is your decision and your decision alone. BPD is a serious disorder and your boyfriend's recent behavior causes me a lot of concern too. Would you say that your boyfriend in general has problems with respecting certain boundaries and/or issues with sexually inappropriate behavior? Has your boyfriend as far as you know ever been diagnosed with any sort of mental, emotional and/or behavioral disorder?

When it comes to BPD, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) has been proven to be effective for certain people with BPD. It has allowed them to better manage their difficult thoughts and emotions and as a result they have improved their behavior. For this to happen it is essential that the person with BPD fully acknowledges his/her issues and fully commits to working on them.

You say your boyfriend has agreed to go to therapy with you. Do you feel like he fully realizes and acknowledges there's something wrong with his behavior? Has he ever before acknowledged this or indicated he would be willing to work on his issues?

Take care
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Oh, give me liberty! For even were paradise my prison, still I should long to leap the crystal walls.
waverider
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« Reply #9 on: May 08, 2015, 04:47:55 AM »

This was a deliberate act, and he knew he would get found out and hence put the onus on you to break up with him... .That was the feeling at that moment. Almost like acts of self harm.

It is not a thought out considered action. He was self sabotaging out of crisis.

Is this recoverable? Only you can work through this to him it was just an impulsive stupid thing to do. pwBPD can do worse, and he may yet. This hurt you more because it was your mother rather than some other person, but to him there was little difference apart from the knowledge that he would get caught out.

It should not be brushed off and ttheir needs to be consequences, and certainly discussed thoroughly with a therapists to better understand the potential meanings driving this.
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Rapt Reader
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« Reply #10 on: May 08, 2015, 05:38:19 AM »

Staff only

A general reminder that this is the Staying Board and the focus here is relationship resolution - even in very trying times.

Please do not urge participants to exit the relationship.

Members post her to find solutions to difficult relationships. People who are staying with a person with BPD need a safe place to post and get support.  We can't help and support people if they aren't here. Please allow them the opportunity. The people posting here are with the BPD person in their life and have made a commitment to stay (at least for now) and make the best of it.  They are interested in learning tools of validation, communication, etc., to help improve the relationship.  

Please don't urge somebody to "run" as that isn't what people want to hear if they are posting on Staying.  If someone posts something that is alarming because they are describing serious abuse towards themselves or abuse towards children, it is appropriate to urge them to seek legal or medical help.  If you see posters violating this guideline, please feel free to notify a staff member.  It is acceptable to mention the difficulties of staying, but comments such as "Run and don't look back.  Look at my life - don't make the same mistake.  You are wasting your time.  You should leave now" are not appropriate on this board.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56303.msg842982#msg842982
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waverider
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« Reply #11 on: May 08, 2015, 08:06:51 AM »

Some seemingly hopeless cases have been turned around to successful outcomes that would never have been predicted.

This may seem like a crisis, but crisis can turn the tide either way. Do not make any reactionary decisions.

Take a step back, asses your own values and put some thought into appropriate boundaries, as opposed to demands.

What are YOU going to do if something like this happens again?
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Lovingme35
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« Reply #12 on: May 08, 2015, 11:52:19 AM »

Good morning. Thank you for your responses. I have been thinking a lot about this today. Playing the details of what happened and his response over and over in my head. A couple of things are sticking out. When I went to confront him, it was like he was in his own world. I had to grab him and say "look in my eyes, I am hurting right now!" Only then did he seem to snap out of it and realize what he did. That night, he put the blame on me. The next morning everything changed. He took the blame. Agreed to go to counseling, seemed to realize the gravity of what he did.

As far as I know, he was never diagnosed with anything. His response after I made the appointment was, "you might be disappointed on how messed up I am, and this will be healthy." He also offered to apologize to my mom, but she blocked him so he can't now.

I am suspecting some sort of sex addiction. He does not have clear bounderies with other women. This is just one more thing added onto my plate. I won't walk away from him. I want him to get the help he needs, but I haven't decided if I can be in a romantic relationship with him again. For now, I can stand by as a friend. It's really sad, he is a good person with a good heart, and yet he has this monster inside of him that just comes out and takes control. I wish there was an easy fix. I will have a better understanding after our therapy session on Saturday.
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Kwamina
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« Reply #13 on: May 09, 2015, 10:07:27 AM »

Hi Lovingme35

I am suspecting some sort of sex addiction. He does not have clear bounderies with other women. This is just one more thing added onto my plate. I won't walk away from him. I want him to get the help he needs, but I haven't decided if I can be in a romantic relationship with him again. For now, I can stand by as a friend. It's really sad, he is a good person with a good heart, and yet he has this monster inside of him that just comes out and takes control. I wish there was an easy fix. I will have a better understanding after our therapy session on Saturday.

I hope that therapy session will give you some more insights and help you decide how to move forward. You say he has clear issues with boundaries. This is an unfortunate reality of many people with BPD.

To help you defend your boundaries and protect yourself, it might be helpful to take a look at an article we have about boundaries: Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order
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Oh, give me liberty! For even were paradise my prison, still I should long to leap the crystal walls.
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