This is All New to Me

[Wifey Barton]

My name is Janet and I'm married to the most amazing man who I just discovered a few days ago has BPD. It's not diagnosed yet, but I know in my heart from the days I've been engulfed in reading {at the suggestion of a possible diagnosis by our therapist} that the diagnosis will just be a technicality.

Doors of understanding are beginning to open for me, but I'm also terrified of what this new reality means. I asked him to move out Saturday night because he's not well. He hasn't had a regular job in almost 6 years and has not been moving forward in any area of his life. We have 9 children and he's used caring for them full-time as an excuse to not do anything else.

In response to the abandonment, which I understand now is a core issue for him, he attempted suicide Sunday. Then Tuesday morning he went into a rage at my mother because she's been at my house to help with the kids. We've had police at our house twice in two days, first in an attempt to locate for a welfare check during the suicide attempt, and second because my sister and mom were terrified I was dead after the raging incident and I wasn't answering my phone because we were deep in processing what he was feeling.

He's convinced I'm narcissistic and has painted the picture for everyone in his life that I'M the problem. I go through periods of feeling crazy and wondering if it really is me. My heart hurts for him and what he's going through. I'm especially concerned about him receiving the diagnosis because he has worked in the self-help world as an emotional growth seminar facilitator and teaching parenting classes. He knows people with BPD and I wouldn't say he has a very good view of what that means. He's already convinced he's broken and I'm worried the official diagnosis will just push him over the edge.

So... .That's where I am. I'm glad to have found this group so I can hear what's worked for others and learn how to navigate this new world we've found.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

Welcome! It's completely normal to ask "is it me", especially because they are so good at projecting, and it's possible to get "fleas" just from constantly dealing with it. My husband is recently diagnosed and now in DBT therapy, and in fact he sort of has two diagnoses. It really is just a technicality though, like you said, but I feel it does matter in regards to him getting the help he needs.

The instant you stand up for yourself do you get labeled as narcissistic? My husband actually said in our last marriage session "see how she twisted that right back to be all about her?", which is ironic because I was sharing OUR different parenting styles, and actually, this whole relationship is about HIM, and his needs, while mine go unmet. It's just the nature of the beast. I'm learning to not give up so much of ME, just to appease his never ending demands and desires. The latest is he wants me to ride a motorcycle! I gave in on all the others, but this one would risk my life. Can I learn to ride? Yes. Do I really want to? No, not really, because I'm afraid I'll get hit and killed by a car while on my motorcycle. I'll probably take the classes to "compromise", and just set a boundary, and say I'm too scared(which is the truth).

Hang out here and you'll pick up a lot. The lessons on the right are very, very valuable tools. Only your husband can work on himself, but the tools you learn can help make things a little easier.

[vortex of confusion]

I wanted to chime in and welcome you to the forums! 

I also wanted to echo what Ceruleanblue said about the lessons. They are very helpful and have been a wonderful source of information for me. My husband isn't diagnosed with anything other than being a sex addict. With or without a diagnosis, the tools and the people that you can find here are very helpful.

Is he in the hospital because of his suicide attempt? What has been the outcome of that?

[an0ught]

Wifey Barton,

what a drama you had to deal with during the last days  . Being confronted with suicide attempts is a huge shock for you but also for your kids  .

This must be quite overwhelming. Take your time to process all what is here, talk with the other members and take the next steps forward. BPD - in some way often a better name - emotional regulation disorder - is one of the best treatable disorders through therapy. The pwBPD mind is not broken but like an engine where the sparks are firing at the wrong time. It may be totally stalled but some tuning goes a long way.

Again welcome to the board,

a0