uBPDh constantly crossing boundries...

[LilHurt420]

With other women and then just lying about it.  This has been going on for years.  He has cheated multiple times in the past before getting married.  After 7 years of being cheated on I went the wrong route and ended up cheating on him one time.  After that he went crazy and came clean about his cheating ways and poured out to me about how he couldn't believe how awful he was to me, how he'd never cheat again, etc.

We decided to get married (now looking back that was stupid) and work on our relationship so that neither of us would feel the need to cheat again and really commit to our family.  After we got married for the next 2 years after my cheating episode he made my life a living hell.  Constantly bringing it up and doing unspeakable things (see my previous posts if you can).  Then I got pregnant with our second.  He calmed down and things were going well.  I really thought we were finally on the right track.

Then I found pictures of him kissing a coworker at a party a few weeks after our baby was born.  He made all these excuses (lied about who she was at first) about how he was confused and she was showing him attention and such but that because that happened he now knows how embarrassing it is and would never do anything like that again.

Then this week (a few months later) I find an app that he's hiding text messages.  I haven't seen the messages, but after he lied and said he wasn't hiding anything it was just a pop up from the app he uses to text.  I downloaded the app myself and added my sister to the hiding text feature and her texts are coming through exactly as his.  So I know 10000% he's hiding them.

He's still just straight out lying to my face and telling me how he loves me and would never jeopardize us.

I am SO disgusted by him.  I even sent him divorce papers.  DO BPD's ever just tell the truth.

I'm trying to understand why he tells me all these things (like how he's scared to lose me and the kids because he's codepent on me doing things for him, how great of a wife/mother I am, how lucky others would be to have me... .) but then turns around and does the exact opposite.

This is so frustrating!

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I don't know if all pwBPD lie, but my BPDh sure does. It's been an ongoing issue that I really hate. I never know when to believe him. My gut feeling tells me that all people with BPD don't lie quite this much. Not every person will display the same traits, and some have stronger degrees of different traits in the BPD spectrum.

I'm so sorry you are going through all this. Take a look at the lessons on the right, and learn as much as you can. So many people here choose to stay, but you have to take care of you too. Plus, you have kids to consider. Staying is what I'm doing, but I'm trying to make staying more tolerable. We all have to decide just what we can and can't put up with.

[vortex of confusion]

   

Is it possible that he is a sex and/or love addict?

My husband is a sex addict. I remember feeling some of the same things that you are describing. If he loves me so much, why does he keep doing those things? If he found me attractive or this or that, then he wouldn't do those things. The truth is that it isn't about you at all. It is about him and his inability to control his own impulses.

All you can do is decide what boundaries you want to set and then stick with them. If he can continue his behavior and continue to sweet talk you into forgiving him or letting things go, why should he change? He tells you everything you want to hear and then goes and does that opposite. That is very, very common. I know it is difficult to wrap your mind around this. At least it has been very difficult for me to wrap my mind around the fact that none of this stuff was about me. Heck, when my husband was doing the things that he was doing, the truth is that he wasn't thinking about me at all. He was living and thinking in his own little world and was focused on meeting his own needs.

Read the lessons again if you haven't read them in a while. The hardest thing for me has been to not take it personally.