For those who don't know my story I am staying for/with BFF even though she has left after yelling at me to get out of her life... .as usual though I know she doesn't really mean it and have even heard that she still refers to me as her BFF and says we are just taking a break for a few weeks. The night before her last blowup I found BPD online and am pretty sure it fits her, but I haven't gotten to talk to her about it yet.
Now a few weeks have gone by and next week it will be a month and she still hasn't contacted me... .today I am sad, but I started out the day good. For some reason it just entered my head that what if even if she wants to contact me she can't bring herself to do it and then never does. One friend I have leaned on for support really understands because her best friend has bipolar, and she said at one point they didn't talk for 2 years. No real reason her friend just wandered away... . That thought struck me today, what if 2 years go by and I never hear from her again? What if 2 years go by of our little ones not playing together again, missing birthdays and holidays? And it just broke my heart... .I came across a message from earlier this year, so simple... .it was just her saying "I love you!" and I just burst into tears, mostly because I long to hear that again and it's hard to remember what it sounded/felt like the last time she said it.
Just as a side note I've been doing pretty well all things considered since that day, and enjoying the time with my hubby and daughter (minus the drama she sometimes brings). Yet today, I just want to hang out with my BFF and have girl talk, be silly and enjoy one another's company. Sometimes I just feel like I need a break as a stay at home mom and we could often find peace with one another, and when she gave me a hello hug my stress often melted away (even if she caused some of it). Now when I stressed I don't know what to do with myself (other than dive into BPD as I have been, I love to pick a topic until I exhaust the library, google links, youtube videos, etc, or I get bored, hehe)... .I like going for walks on trails, but hate going by myself as I get lost, horribly lost and sometimes need to use GPS to find my way back,
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Today I went out to dinner with hubby and we played a board game when we got home... .at least twice I just burst into tears. I realized that part of it is that I'm now terrified to try to make new friends. Being her BFF meant something to me and I can't help feeling like she just needed someone to fill the BFF slot and who isn't really important. However, for me it really meant something as I haven't had a BFF or close friend in over 10 years! Now I think back to the beginning and how normal and wonderful it all seemed and am terrified that if I meet someone new how do I know they won't end up just hurting me too. It makes me a bit bummed I just didn't keep to myself as I was fine alone (with hubby and munchkin and no close friends), but then I let myself get close and trusting is hard. On one hand I don't want to wait another 10 years, on the other hand if it was to turn out like this 10 years wouldn't be long enough to wait!
*sigh*
just needed to vent and be sad somewhere... .I finished "Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder" today and I really loved it. I might try working on some of those exercises. Is it odd that I'm not the one with BPD, but I feel the need to buy my own BPD workbook so I can do DBT to feel better? HAHAHA