choose sides?

[papa g]

My wife of 36 years has been making judgments/not suggestions to our 28 year old divorced daughter.  Likewise our daughter is judgmental towards her and sometimes myself.  My wife was diagnosed BPD 3 years ago, by a close friend of hers that is an MSW.  My wife denies the diagnosis.  Nonetheless, our daughter is trying to set boundaries with her mom (my wife) as I am.  Our daughter made a fairly disrespectful statement last night as she was trying to set a boundary.  I told our daughter that I believed what she said was disrespectful, and an apology would be in line.  She did, and now my wife feels like I've abandoned her, am not supporting her, (like I haven't been accused of that in the past 36 years).  My wife has now placed an ultimatum on the table, and is being threatening about telling the world some of my secrets of whom I have only trusted with my wife which could possibly destroy parts of my look life.  She is saying, "You need to choose who you are siding with; me or her." I've said that I choose both of them, but my wife says "you're either supporting me, or your not, and all bets are off with your secrets." Any suggestions, we have a wonderful daughter, with two sweet grandsons 1 - 4 years old.  I'm at my wits end.  Thanks for your input.  Papa g 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hello and welcome papa g,

with respect to the games that are currently ongoing and how to step out of them check out the workshop on the KAPMAN Triangle. You will find the LESSONS at the top a good source for to navigate your skill learning process on how to communicate better, how to draw a line and implement the stepping out of the triangle.

Again ,

a0

[Notwendy]

I'm a middle age married woman with children. However- no matter how old I am, one of the most important people in my life was my father. I always wanted his  love and validation. I My children adored him. My kids adore their dad and he loves them. The issues I have with my H (traits) involve our r/s. I have encourage a close r/s between him and the kids. Even if he loves them more than he loves me- I would not interfere with that. I don't see parental love as any kind of competition.

However my mother (with BPD )did. If she was angry at me or painting me black, she would put pressure on my father to be "on her side" . She tends to triangulate family members to be on her side against others.

I know my father loved me, and he loved her, but he was between a rock and a hard place. He also lived with her and eventually I didn't . So he was under daily pressure.

My "pipe dream" was for dad to stand up to her, to insist on his right to love me as a parent. However I also understood that he chose her long before I was in the picture and that he realized that I would have a life if my own. He made his choice, and that choice broke my heart.

[Notwendy]

The choice your wife puts before you is truly unreasonable and inhumane. Being a parent means considering the best interest of that child- at any age. Grandchildren are a special gift. Your chance as a father and grandparent is to impact the future. Your grandkids will carry their memories of you with them.

I can not imagine putting a parent in a position to choose between a spouse and a child, except that I have a parent who did that. The choice becomes one of choosing your own peace at home by giving in to this request( which is likely to be temporary), breaking your daughter's heart, or fighting for your right to be a father to her and a grandfather.

Chances are your wife will come around and try to undo this many times over the years and you will go back and forth with her feelings about your daughter. We went through this cycle many times . However, I knew that my relationship with my father was the lesser priority and he chose her wishes every time.