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Author Topic: I don't know what to do anymore...  (Read 383 times)
PJar14
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1


« on: May 07, 2015, 09:04:24 PM »

Hi guys,

I just learned about this site and I'm so glad I found it. It's amazing that we live in a world where help is just a few clicks or finger-swipes away. This is my first post and, to be honest, I don't even know where to start... .

I'm sure my story is very similar, if not identical to many of yours. I met my girlfriend three years ago and thought she was perfect. She was down to earth, she was funny, she's beautiful, and she laughed at my (horrible) jokes. I knew from the get-go that she was diagnosed with BPD but at the time I was very ignorant to the disorder. I chalked up her diagnosis to some dramatic years as a teenager and never really thought much of it. Little did I know, the signs were there all along.

Within our first year of dating I saw an incredible amount of impulsive spending. She comes from a very wealthy family so I figured she was just channeling her inner spoiled-brat "princess" Laura (not her real name) behavior. For the first two years it really wasn't too bad. Impulsivity problems  and irritability were the biggest things I noticed.

About six months ago I started noticing more blatant signals. She would scream - not yell, or shout, this was absolute "lose your voice the next morning" screaming - at me for the most trivial things. Like leaving a towel on the ground, or  God-forbid, not  taking the trash out. Now I'm a bit of a messy person by nature, but I'm not a slob, and you would think that I committed a capital crime for the way she would "speak" to me.

Things got progressively worse... .and it wasn't just with me. I would hear her screaming at her father in the same way she screamed at me. Soon enough, the verbal abuse turned to physical abuse. Last week I looked at my phone while I was being screamed at , and she snatched the phone out of my hand and spiked it on the ground like a football. This was followed by a solid punch to my jaw.  This kind of behavior has been consistent over the last two months.

The phone incident led me to do some research online about her anger issues. I stumbled upon a description of BPD and it all clicked. I suddenly remembered that she had told me this years ago - that she was diagnosed. Honestly, I was relieved. I was relieved that there was an explanation for her behavior. However, despite me taking some of the advice I've read on various websites, the behavior has continued. It's gotten to the point where I'm afraid to take her out in public in fear of an outburst. Im terrified about bringing her to my parents for Mothers Day this Sunday.

Does anyone out there have any advice you could give me pertaining to ways to neutralize her anger and emotional outbursts? It felt good to type that all out but the fact remains that I'm currently locked out of my apartment, sitting out on my fire escape, because she locked me out here. She is seeing a therapist and it seems like her meds change every week. I'm sorry if my post is all over the place, I'm just so worried about her. There's a pit in my stomach 24 hrs/day because deep down I think I know that  this relationship is doomed. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to save "us" but I just can't seem to comprehend how I can make that happen.

I'm sorry for writing such a long post, and if anyone actually read it - thank you so much for taking the time to do so. Any insight is appreciated, guys. Thanks again.

Best,

PJ
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vortex of confusion
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: May 07, 2015, 10:44:00 PM »

   

Sounds like you are in a tough spot! Lots of the people on this forum have been in your shoes at different times. It isn't easy. I find that writing it all out helps me a lot. The people on this forum are pretty good at offering support and pointing pointing people to resources that might be helpful.

I would recommend starting out with reading the lessons that you can find to the right of this post. There are lessons about understanding your partners behavior, understanding your role, and most importantly are the communication tools.

I am concerned that she physically assaulted you. Do you have a safety plan to protect yourself? There is also a lesson about surviving confrontation and disrespect. There is information in one of those lessons about dealing with domestic violence.

If you have questions as you read through the lessons, post them. If you need to vent or figure something out, post about it and somebody will come along with something even if it is a virtual hug of support.

Does she lock you out of the house often? Do you have any kind of plan on what to do when she does that? For example, if you had an extra set of car keys or access to a mode of transportation, you could leave and stay somewhere else for the night. Is it possible for you to do something like that?
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EaglesJuju
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« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2015, 09:15:26 AM »

PJar14, 

I would like to join vortex of confusion and welcome you.  I am glad that you found this site. It is a fantastic place for support and understanding. 

I am sorry that you are going through this. It can be very frustrating and difficult coping with these types of behavior.   

I am sorry that you have endured abuse. Boundaries become crossed when physical abuse occurs. When arguments become heated, the best thing to do is diffuse the situation by leaving.  When she becomes angry or volatile, do you think you can leave for a little bit?

As vortex of confusion mentioned, the lessons on the right are invaluable.  In addition to the lessons, it is really important to take care of yourself. Coping with BPD behavior can really take a toll on you.  I found that having a support system of family, friends, and my psychologist really help.  Do you have a support system?


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Svarl1
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 60


« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2015, 10:12:25 AM »

Hi PJar,

You are clearly going through some tough times.

But you know what the problem is,  and have found a good place for support - these are important steps you have already made.

Many of us know well the impulsive behaviour,  screaming to-the-max rages, getting thrown out (and then sometimes begged to come back again), and living with constant dread in the pit of the stomach.

Also - sadly - the violence.

Here I take the view shared by many, that violence in a relationship is never, ever acceptable.

Not "because I can't help it"

Not "because you deserve it" for something you said or did

Not "because you're a big man who can take it like one"

Not "because otherwise I'll hurt myself instead"

Never.

From this it follows that, having told your partner about the red line, you must be prepared to separate immediately if it ever happens again.

As Eagles suggests above, once violence has been committed it is like a boundary has been crossed. Unfortunately this makes it more likely to continue - a sad fact of human nature.

I have heard it suggested in relationship counselling that the relationship itself should not become a bargaining chip to be threatened in a conflict situation (I mean verbal conflict here). In other words, the participants agree that no matter how heated the argument gets or what gets said, nobody actually threatens to break up.

I don't know what the professional opinion is about physically violent or controlling relationships, but my PERSONAL opinion is that the very continuation of the relationship needs to be made absolutely contingent on non-violent behaviour.

In my relationship this was totally the case: the violence and coercion went on for many months, until one day I packed up and left while my partner was at work. I felt i had to leave my job at the same time to get away properly.

In the end I went back after a month or so, and since then there has been a lot of verbal abuse and a little bit of screaming, but no more violence - because she knows I'll leave for good.

Something apparently common in BPD is a huge fear of abandonment. This can be used to keep the worst behaviour in check, but be prepared for some clever and/or determined counter-arguments! 

To my knowledge my partner is undiagnosed, but in my opinion she shows nearly all the signs.

Nobody should live in dread of another person.

Best wishes.

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