Black/White vs Right/Wrong

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

So many of the conversations I have with my uBPDw degenerate into her insisting on whether something is right or wrong.  We're a blended family and many of our conflicts revolve around the kids.

So if I say I don't like the kids screaming for hours while playing video games, she want's to discuss whether it's right or wrong, not what I would prefer/what she would prefer.  After all, if she can prove I'm wrong then we don't have to address the kids and ask them to keep it down.

When I try to figure out what's behind this, it reminds me of BPD black/white thinking... .sort of.  B/W (vs R/W) thinking can mean the same actions/people can sometime be wonderful and sometimes awful.  Not that each and every action has to be classified as either right or wrong.

So does this sound BPD related or should I be looking elsewhere?

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[Ceruleanblue]

Welcome. I'm not sure if that sounds BPD, but I sure as heck have blended family issues myself. My husbands three grown daughters hate me, but his son likes me. He is recently diagnosed and in DBT. Nothing in life quite prepared me for a blended family, all while dealing with my husband's personality disorder. He basically left me once because they won't accept me, and he can't/won't stand up to me, but I sure am his target.

Tell us more about a specific situation, and maybe we can help you more? Hang in there, I know just how tough it can be with your own kids, let alone someone else's that hate you.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

One of my favorite sayings is "It ain't the Brady Bunch"... .

It comes up again and again:

Me wanting "inside voices" while her sons (26, 24, 16) play video games.

Her: But remember last year when your team scored at the last second to win the game, you cheered

Me wanting her kids friends to not walk into our house, but knock and wait for someone to let them in

Her: But remember when we had the party and your sister got here & you yelled "come on in"

Me wanting her kids to put their dishes in the dishwasher

Her: You don't always put stuff in the dishwasher.

In 5 years we've had very few conversations where I state what I want, she states what she wants and then we come up with a compromise... .the few we actually have had she brings up as "reasons" she can't trust me (because I'm doing it only because we agreed, not because I think it's right).  For example I used to occasionally have lunch with ex-co-workers to get caught up.  She believes it's wrong if it's just me and one female, so I agreed not to.  Now 2-3 times a month she brings it up as a "reason" for her jealousy.

It combines the typical BPD double standard with everything being viewed as right or wrong instead of a difference of opinion.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I do know the double standards seems to be a pretty common traits for those with BPD. I definitely have to put up with total double standards from BPDh. Totally different rules apply to MY kids, who are teens, than his kids who are grown(not that you can set rules with grown adults... .but you get the drift). And between my husband and I, there are complete double standards. I've just learned to live with it and accept it as part of the disorder. Do I like it? No. Do I always just go along? Mostly, but I'm learning to enforce an occasional boundary, when it's really worth it to me.

I do have to agree with your wife on the lunches out with females though. I'm not a jealous type, but I've always felt lunch out with someone of the opposite sex is dangerous. Now, I realize sometimes as part of his job, he does sometimes do this, and that is different to me than what feels like "making a date" with a woman to go have lunch just for "friendship". My husband and I had this same go round, and it's not because I'm jealous, but more because I don't totally trust him, and with his BPD, he has impulse issues. In fact he did cheat on me once(he doesn't view it as cheating... .even though he had sex with this woman 3-4 times!). It just made me uncomfortable, to the 9th degree because of how he is. I think it can potentially be dangerous in any marriage, but combined with BPD, forget it!

He wants to view it as "controlling", but because he has total control of everything else, I don't even listen.

Your wife seems super defensive, so that is hard to approach. No matter what you request it's met with defensiveness, instead of trying to find an easy solution. In marriage we are supposed to be a team, and another thing I've noticed with BPD, is it's very hard to feel part of a team, when the entire relationship is so lop sided. I hope some others can come up with some ideas of ways that might get better results when you need to address something with your wife. Lots of people here have found techniques that really work for them.

[vortex of confusion]

To me, it sounds like the difference between rules and principles. Wife wants to live by black and white rules that apply to everyone across the board at all times. It sounds like you are trying to follow principles which can be applied across multiple situations with different outcomes.

Me wanting "inside voices" while her sons (26, 24, 16) play video games.

Her: But remember last year when your team scored at the last second to win the game, you cheered

It sounds like the rule is that if you want inside voices in this situation she wants to turn it into a rule that must be followed by everyone. Since you don't follow that rule, then the rule can't apply to the sons. Is there a way to reframe this? What is it about them being loud playing video games that bothers you? Are there alternative solutions such as having them play in a room where there is a door? Is them being loud interrupting something that you are doing? How often do they get this loud?

Me wanting her kids friends to not walk into our house, but knock and wait for someone to let them in

Her: But remember when we had the party and your sister got here & you yelled "come on in"

I am trying to think of how to frame the difference between these two situations. I think it boils down to whether or not you are expecting guests. If you know somebody is coming over, then it seems like it would be okay if they came on in. However, if you had no prior knowledge of people arriving, that could make for some potentially awkward situations. Is there a compromise that you could propose that would not be so focused on whether or not they walk into the house. For example, could you ask the kids to let you know when somebody is coming.

Me wanting her kids to put their dishes in the dishwasher

Her: You don't always put stuff in the dishwasher.

Would you feel comfortable responding with something like, "you are right. I don't always put stuff in the dishwasher. I would like to see EVERYONE make more of an effort to put their dishes in the dishwasher." That kind of addresses the B/W need to have a rule that applies to everyone.

It combines the typical BPD double standard with everything being viewed as right or wrong instead of a difference of opinion.

I notice that my husband is pretty bound by rules and sometimes has a difficult time with principles, which are the underlying reasons behind the rule. I am not sure if that will help with anything directly but it might give you some ideas of how to think about things differently so you can take a different approach.