Struggling due to lack of network

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi I'm new.

It's been around 5 weeks since my BPD ex has left the house.  We have a 2 year old and I have an older daughter from previous r/s.  Together 4 and half years.

From 6mths issues began with paranoia and constantly accusing of cheating.  Would rage or just sit in silence not talking to me.  Began recording me on his phone when he left the house for 'evidence' then play it to everyone, though there was no 'evidence'.  Every stressful event would set off the paranoia and I would be trying not to set off another huge row.  broke up many times, but always took him back.

Has good insight into problems, engaged with therapy for a year which helped as well as medication.  however over past year became increasingly physically aggressive and on the night he left was arrested for DV.

Now have child services involved and all the allegations he has said in the past... .I'm a drug addict, prostitute, leave my children with undesireables etc.  They are keeping an eye on situation due to mental health and circumstances of arrest.

He's actually a very good dad and when well a lovely caring man.  Stopped taking medication before christmas and has just got worse and worse.  Now trying to co-parent and see him all the time which is very difficult.  He's also tries to get in touch with my ex hb to meet up (who also has mental health issues in the past) and I'm sure that will be one long b****ing match about me.  I actually get on very well with my exhb, but he thinks in black and white also so that won't help matters.

in the middle is the kids who seem ok on the surface but it must be hard and I feel awful.  now going through contact that can be vile one minute and then a couple of hours later lovely as if nothing happened.  only support I have is my parents who tend to demonise the ex partner which is not helpful at all.  Seem to have lost friends due to this all consuming relationship and work and children comittments, so very much alone now.

I have been reading a lot on here and it has helped a lot.  I tend to turn to drink when stressed and these boards have really helped me with self awareness and keep me from doing that.  I feel I should know better as I'm a psych nurse!  However it's very different from the inside.  Can't see the wood for the trees if you like.

[DJmh]

Hi I'm new.

It's been around 5 weeks since my BPD ex has left the house.  We have a 2 year old and I have an older daughter from previous r/s.  Together 4 and half years.

From 6mths issues began with paranoia and constantly accusing of cheating.  Would rage or just sit in silence not talking to me.  Began recording me on his phone when he left the house for 'evidence' then play it to everyone, though there was no 'evidence'.  Every stressful event would set off the paranoia and I would be trying not to set off another huge row.  broke up many times, but always took him back.

Has good insight into problems, engaged with therapy for a year which helped as well as medication.  however over past year became increasingly physically aggressive and on the night he left was arrested for DV.

Now have child services involved and all the allegations he has said in the past... .I'm a drug addict, prostitute, leave my children with undesireables etc.  They are keeping an eye on situation due to mental health and circumstances of arrest.

He's actually a very good dad and when well a lovely caring man.  Stopped taking medication before christmas and has just got worse and worse.  Now trying to co-parent and see him all the time which is very difficult.  He's also tries to get in touch with my ex hb to meet up (who also has mental health issues in the past) and I'm sure that will be one long b****ing match about me.  I actually get on very well with my exhb, but he thinks in black and white also so that won't help matters.

in the middle is the kids who seem ok on the surface but it must be hard and I feel awful.  now going through contact that can be vile one minute and then a couple of hours later lovely as if nothing happened.  only support I have is my parents who tend to demonise the ex partner which is not helpful at all.  Seem to have lost friends due to this all consuming relationship and work and children comittments, so very much alone now.

I have been reading a lot on here and it has helped a lot.  I tend to turn to drink when stressed and these boards have really helped me with self awareness and keep me from doing that.  I feel I should know better as I'm a psych nurse!  However it's very different from the inside.  Can't see the wood for the trees if you like.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Djmh

Welcome! I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I'm a relative newbie myself having been posting for just a month now so I wanted to say 'Hi' even though my situation is very different to yours and I feel that I can't comment. I have found posting on the website and exploring the articles etc has really helped me, so I think you are in the right place.

Lifewriter

[livednlearned]

Hi DJmh,

Welcome to the boards!   I'm glad you took the step from reading to introduce yourself and let us know what you're dealing with. It's not easy. Divorcing my ex is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, made million times harder because of our custody situation.

I found that I was doubly motivated to raise an emotionally resilient child who would not follow in my footsteps, and would not end up like his dad, really clarified what skills I needed to learn and pass on if I was going to be successful at this. Our kids really do reflect back where we are in our emotional work.

Does your 2-year-old seem to be doing ok? And your older D? What kind of custody arrangement do you have set up?

That has to be touch to see your ex after a DV allegation, with him being off medication too.

Be kind to yourself as you being to heal from this. It could be that you were drawn to be a psych nurse because you had something you needed to learn. And this is that thing, and you have access to understand that will give you some wind in your sails. My T encouraged me to look in the mirror every day and say, "You're doing ok. Good job." It was corny at first, but turned into such a powerful moment. I felt like a fraud at first, going through the motions, and then worked myself up into some pretty messy crying spectacles. Then one day I found myself believing what I was saying 

Let us know how you're doing and keep posting. It really does help. You're not alone 

[DJmh]

Hello livednlearned,

Thanks for the encouragement.  Not sure I could do the mirror thing, though I do try to keep positive and remind myself I am doing what is right for me and the kids.  I've been through this before which makes me realise that I just repeated the same old cycle over again after being on my own for four years and doing well.

At present my ex has equal time with my son.  I'm under scrutiny from social services for that as they are woriied about his mental health given the violence and another incident where he believed someone had broken into the house and harmed his son, though there was no evidence of this when the police turned up.  I have maintained that he poses no risk to his son and is a good dad.  The horrible ugliness has always been towards me as well as the paranoia.  However, he has taken to just painting me black and telling all authorities all sorts of nasties about me which prolongs their involvement.  He's now tried to get my ex hb on board who has the same sort of thinking, and though these are years out of date, are still his major triggers him.  Feels like trying to manage two crazy situations as well as keeping my head above water and keeping an objective perspective.  My exhb is also a very good dad, though undeniably has unstable moods, abandonment issues and flies into a rage at a drop of hat.

I have always had a good relationship with my exhb who is my eldest - daughters father as I have refused to be drawn into any sort of personal arguments or baiting from him.  It's worked well and I can honestly say we have some sort of friendship and loyalty there. I hope that the same outcome can be achieved with my ex partner.

My kids seem OK on the surface of it all.  My 2 year old is still getting used to being dropped off and picked up but the crying lasts only a minute.  I worry more about my 9yo as she's built up a real relationship with my ex partner as we were together for 4.5years.  She misses him.  however he was asking her inappropriate questions like 'what am I (me) was up to' i.e. implying strangers in the house, stopping off at at people's houses when dropping her to school etc. (He's majorly paranoid about infidelity and I was accused all the time). 

I hope she can spend some time with him when things have calmed down a bit.  Neither children ever witnessed any violence or any significant argument as my ex was able to keep his control enough to do that at least.

I just hope that a stable resolution can be reached.  I have avoided contact unless necessary and to be honest avoid eye contact with him.  however I see him almost every day or every other day.  There have been no long chats or anything like that.  I must have been through at least 20 recycles with the man but I no longer feel the same yearning despair and need for him.  I think once he put his hands round my throat and told me he was going to kill me, I finally knew that he was actually quite capable of doing that and some of that love just disappeared. 

Saying that I do still love him and know that he is a person who is ill.  The person beyond that is quite different.  I still feel desperate;y sad, but that's because of my hopes and dreams for the future rather than the reality I was actually living with.

His misery is not for me to deal with right now; he needs to do this on his own.  I just hope he doesn't get yet another woman, then another and so on as that will only direct his attention, make him feel absolved for 5 minutes and delay any kind of insight on his part (of which he has quite a lot at times). 

I think I would always be there as a friend if he needed as I have been for my exhb when that's happened.  However once the crisis is over, they don't want to speak to you for ages!  That's OK though, I know the drill, and I certainly don't take any of it personally!