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Author Topic: Stabby  (Read 616 times)
cloudten
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« on: May 08, 2015, 01:18:29 PM »

So- weird thing (for normal people in normal relationships anyway) happened with me and my BPDbf this morning. We were laying in bed. We were both kinda awake. He kind of positioned his head over mine and held his arm up over my face and said "I'm going to stab you in the face." Then he proceeded to make the motion with his fist... ."I'm going to stab you 32 times in the face." More stabbing motion. "Maybe 35 times. But I am going to stab you 32 times in the face."

What the heck. Who says this?  This isn't the first time things like this have happened... .but this is the first time it has royally freaked me out. Something about the way he looked and the tone in his voice... .leads me to believe he is actually capable of stabbing me 32 times in the face. Something about the way he said it makes me think he actually wants to do it. This was one of those moments I have wondered if he is possessed.

I didn't know what to do. So I rolled over a little. Took a few deep breaths. Then said "I have got to go to work now."

He goes "oh is it because I am going to stab you in the face?" - He wasn't really concerned I was leaving... .but it was almost more like he wanted to get a measure on if what he said bothered me.  I said "something like that"... .I kissed his shoulder, and left.

I very much don't know what to think about this. I don't know if he would or would not actually stab me.

I don't know what I should do in situations like this. Obviously I am on the staying board. So if you are staying too... .what would you do? What should I do?
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Wrongturn1
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« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2015, 01:26:54 PM »

That's really disturbing.    He sounds dangerous.  If my uBPD spouse said that to me, I would seriously consider moving to the "leaving" board instead.  Stay safe!
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« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2015, 01:43:55 PM »

YIKES!  that's scary. 

My wife has made plenty of statements about violence that I have mostly dismissed as figures of speech.  Sure, they were alarming at first, because never in my life have I heard someone make statements about killing anyone or him/herself before meeting her (well, I have heard kids say "I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!", but the only adults I have ever heard say things like that were clearly deranged. 

So then I will hear my wife say that to the cat, or about how she feels like stabbing her stepmom, or wishing harm to someone who pisses her off.  But again, I take those as anger-laden figures of speech.

But there have been a few times where it feels like it is not a figure of speech, usually because there is some kind of detail behind it.  So it's not just "I feel like killing myself", but "I am going to do xyz" to kill myself.  So, I am sure it is the "32 times" kind of detail that really made it sink in for you, am I right? 

For the record, the other night my wife told me she was going to kill me if I didn't change my behavior (unspecified what that behavior was).   That freaked the crap out of me.  She seems to have forgotten about it, but I have made the decision to start documenting every time she talks about violence towards herself or others, with details of what she said, when she said it, and how serious it sounded.  I feel this could be valuable for protecting myself in the future.

I'm glad you have this place to come to and ask questions and seek advice.
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« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2015, 05:53:24 AM »

Hi cloudten,

I am very sorry that you had this extremely unpleasant experience with your boyfriend. The things he said to you are quite disturbing and mentioning details like '32 times' really concerns me.

You say that this time it was different because of the look in his eyes and his tone of voice. You also say this isn't the first time something like this has happened. When did it happen before, how many times did it happen and what did he say or do those other times?

To help you assess your current safety situation, I encourage you to take a look at this document we have on here called 'Safety First': Safety First
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cloudten
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« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2015, 06:48:07 AM »

Well, my situation sounds much like maxsterling.  Its an everyday occurance for him to tell the cat he's going to kill it.

I have never known him to hurt or kill anything. He has never physically abused me... .he has never physically hurt me, not even when he has been in my face screaming, and not even the time i hit him in the face for throwing my car into reverse while i was driving down the interstate.

Yes the detail and the physical motion he made both bothered me.

honestly, i cant tell you how many times in the last 3 years he has done Or said something like this in this intensity. Probably 4 or 5 times in 3 years. He wasnt particularly dysregulated yesterday. but to a lesser degree without the detail and motion, as often as once a month. Sometimes he'll talk about about wanting to stab a parent, coworker, friend, even my exhusband. At times he has described in detail how he would hide a body. Its like he takes pride in it... .and seriously thinks he is above any recourse. Another time i can think of when he made me this fearful, he had described slitting my throat and made the motion across my throat. That was 2 years ago... .nothing ever came of it obviously.

When stuff like this happens, i feel as though he has zero sense of how inappropriate his statements are. Maybe he has had these thoughts his whole life and is used to them. maybe he doesnt realize or understand that these are not "normal" thoughts... .that not everyone has them.  maybe it is an attention thing... .or maybe he gets some sort of secret thrill in seeing if something disturbs me. he doesnt watch violent movies or play with knives and guns... .he has only killed one animal in his life, which was a sheep on his family farm. He swore he would never kill another animal because it disturbed him that much.

So... .like maxsterling, i have generally dismissed them as figures of speech or as inappropriate ways to express emotions... .but yes, it was the detail that disturbed me. I would never even dream of saying that to anyone. I am not trying to make excuses for him.
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cloudten
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« Reply #5 on: May 09, 2015, 06:52:24 AM »

At times i have thought he was trying to be funny... .he tries very hard to be funny and thinks he deserves a show on comedy central. sometimes i have pretended to laugh it off as if he is making A joke. He seems happier when my response is as if its a hilarious joke. 

Who knows.
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« Reply #6 on: May 09, 2015, 11:11:41 AM »

I was wondering if this was meant to be "funny" on his part? My uBPDbf has a warped sense of humor - sometimes he likes to play the role of "abusive guy" - like a character in a skit, even using a different accent. He'll say things like he's gonna punch me in the jaw or throw me out of the car... .but he only does that when he's comfortable and in a playful mood.

I get the sense your bf sounded a little too serious? You have to trust your instincts. If you felt threatened, protecting yourself by leaving was the best move. Do you have a response or plan of action if he does this again?
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« Reply #7 on: May 09, 2015, 12:18:13 PM »

That is disturbing. Your sense of what is 'OK' gets kinda eroded by the abuse over time, and this is way beyond the pale  here. I'd be seriously worried that if his sense of what is appropriate to say has gone this far astray, his sense of what to DO will follow soon.

My recommendation is to enforce some firm, iron-clad boundaries on this kind of thing. "That is unacceptable to say to me. I'm leaving."

I'd seriously consider moving out... .but this kind of thing leads me in the direction of packing an emergency kit of cash/ID/phone charger/change of clothes/etc. hidden outside the house, perhaps in your car's trunk and be ready to leave on zero notice... .and not threatening to move out, but being gone when he comes home from work some day.
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cloudten
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« Reply #8 on: May 09, 2015, 12:48:23 PM »

Yeah i think it is supposed to have an element of comedy to it... .but it just doesnt. I dont think its normal to graphically describe killing someone just to be funny. Maybe i'm way off though. Maybe that is funny... .its not funny to me.

I dont have a plan. We dont actually live together... .and despite the rages, i have never actually believed that i was in very real imminent danger.

Funny thing... .i have been stuck in the car with him for 8 hours driving to maine. He just got done reminicing with his buddy, also in the car, about when he called and told his buddy's dade how he was going to kill him, graphically... . and he described the whole thing from blood on the sheets to other forms of torture. This literally JUST was the discussion in the car.

It seems like he goes thru phases where he is more "stabby" (his words) than others. Seems particularly bad right now.
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« Reply #9 on: May 09, 2015, 01:11:23 PM »

Hi cloudten,

What boundaries could you put in place to help reduce your exposure to this that feels safe and doable ?

Nothing about this behaviour is ok whether or not it actually crosses any physical boundaries, for me it is unacceptable to overhear, let alone be said to me by a SO. ( with actual actions!) So not ok.

Sometimes when we spend a lot of time exposed to behaviour that transgresses acceptable mores, we become desensitised to it. I remember once after my h took an OD, I said to a healthcare professional that this is what he usually does, I'm used to it, I know how to respond! Wake up call for me, the social worker challenged me about the way I minimised the seriousness of what my h was doing. They were right, but I was so used to it, so close to it, I just minimised it away.

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« Reply #10 on: May 09, 2015, 07:02:20 PM »

This is very dangerous talk which could lead to the behavior he is mentioning. I would be very careful if I were you. I am a domestic violence survivor and I will not tolerate threats or physical violence anymore. And that was clearly a threat.
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« Reply #11 on: May 11, 2015, 06:45:17 AM »

If you think it is a VERY BAD attempt at humor, I would take a different approach to it.

Boundary enforcement.

An example of what I'd do (next time) if it started like the last one.

Him: "something about stabbing you in the face 32 times"

You: "What the heck? That isn't funny and isn't acceptable to talk about or joke about with me."

Him: (making stabbing motion)

You: Get up out of bed, get dressed, and leave. NOW. [If he's in your place, tell him he is to depart right now. You will not be subjected to this.]

... .the time for that has passed.

Now, you might find a (relatively calm) time to talk to him and say "You remember that stabby thing you did a while back? It wasn't funny. It freaked me the f*** out. I don't want to ever have somebody do anything like that to me again."

Hmmm... .maybe that isn't the best use of communication tools, but it seems like it is worth enforcing boundaries on to me.
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« Reply #12 on: May 11, 2015, 08:17:08 AM »

He is trying to shock you and judge your reaction. If you dont react there is a real chance of upping it until you do

Whatever the reason it makes you uncomfortable so you need a strong boundary each and everytime he does this. Which is not kiss him on the shoulder and carry on as normal.

I would extend that boundary to talk about stabbing anything. It is a fixation that should not be allowed to be normalized.
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cloudten
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« Reply #13 on: May 11, 2015, 08:43:52 AM »

He is trying to shock you and judge your reaction. If you dont react there is a real chance of upping it until you do

Whatever the reason it makes you uncomfortable so you need a strong boundary each and everytime he does this. Which is not kiss him on the shoulder and carry on as normal.

I would extend that boundary to talk about stabbing anything. It is a fixation that should not be allowed to be normalized.

This is exactly how I have interpreted some of these incidents... .trying to shock me and judge my reaction. I think he was a little excited that I was disturbed... .and that scares me more than if I just normalize it (good word). I have been normalizing it for 3 years. I sort of learned to do that from his best friend... .and although it seemingly diffuses the situation at the time, I can see how there could be a very real chance of upping it.

I know this is a red flag... .and in response to people here... .I don't want to leave, which is why I am on the staying board.  However, I realize my chances of eventually leaving are pretty good.

I can definitely set and enforce that boundary. And I do feel I can find a calm time to address the issue.  He is relatively good at being willing to talk about "our" issues... .he likes to talk and analyze. So, I think this is reasonable- whether it will change anything is doubtful.

I am still trying to learn this BPD stuff... .So, if he was trying to shock me and gauge my reaction... .WHY? Why is he trying to shock me and get a reaction? What personal fulfillment is he getting out of it?  I have no idea... .I hardly doubt its an attention thing.  If I can help figure out what his "fetish" is about shock/reaction, maybe I can help him address that and find other ways to fulfill that. Doubtful it would work, but maybe worth a shot.
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« Reply #14 on: May 11, 2015, 06:08:59 PM »

Well, I'm the NON on here for advice in dealing with BPDh, but I have to admit that I sometimes say I'm going to kill my cat. Of course I don't mean it, but I do say it when he won't stop meowing for no reason! He's 11, and my fur baby, and I'd never hurt him, but I do say that to him. He's upset because after 10 years, we've decided he's done enough roaming, and is now strictly an indoor kitty(tired of fleas).  Everyone in this house knows I dote on that cat, and I'd never hurt him.

I think what bothers me is that your BF seems to enjoy scaring you? I think it could be meant to intimidate, or who knows, maybe it does show that it's something he thinks about? He should know not to say something like that. Just because he's never acted on it, doesn't mean he hasn't thought about it, or he wouldn't have SAID it? That is what truly disturbs me. Most people, even if they had a thought like that, would not say it, or would be disturbed at the way their thoughts had turned?
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« Reply #15 on: May 11, 2015, 06:17:05 PM »

I am still trying to learn this BPD stuff... .So, if he was trying to shock me and gauge my reaction... .WHY? Why is he trying to shock me and get a reaction? What personal fulfillment is he getting out of it?  I have no idea... .I hardly doubt its an attention thing.  If I can help figure out what his "fetish" is about shock/reaction, maybe I can help him address that and find other ways to fulfill that. Doubtful it would work, but maybe worth a shot.

By shocking you, and you stay, shows that he is important to you... .That validates him. He is valuable, he can do anything.

Discussing it with him is fine, but do it only once and prepare a strong and definite action to protect a boundary next time it happens. I would suggest leaving at least until he acknowledges he was inappropriate, as consequence of a first transgression. You may have to up that if it happends again.

Without action it just becomes an empty request
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« Reply #16 on: May 11, 2015, 06:22:04 PM »

OMFG... .I just had a whole conversation with him about what happened in detail, and he doesn't remember it at all. I believe he's telling the truth. He does not remember the entire thing the entire morning. now what do I do?
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« Reply #17 on: May 11, 2015, 07:41:21 PM »

OMFG... .I just had a whole conversation with him about what happened in detail, and he doesn't remember it at all. I believe he's telling the truth. He does not remember the entire thing the entire morning. now what do I do?

He would have remembered it if you had activated a boundary and up and left him to have a good think about what he just did. Your reaction had no impact on him.
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« Reply #18 on: May 11, 2015, 07:47:11 PM »

I am still trying to learn this BPD stuff... .So, if he was trying to shock me and gauge my reaction... .WHY? Why is he trying to shock me and get a reaction? What personal fulfillment is he getting out of it?  I have no idea... .I hardly doubt its an attention thing.  If I can help figure out what his "fetish" is about shock/reaction, maybe I can help him address that and find other ways to fulfill that. Doubtful it would work, but maybe worth a shot.

There is no way to adequately figure out what his reasons for doing things are.

Sometimes, shocking somebody and gauging their reaction is part of a grooming process. It is a tactic used to see what they can get away with at the moment so next time they can escalate things or up the ante.

And, claiming not to remember it at all is a form of gaslighting/dismissing/whatever. . .bottom line is that it is crazy making. If he claims that he doesn't remember it, then you can't really address it. But, you can be better prepared in the future. It works best to not react at all and simply get up and walk away.
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« Reply #19 on: May 12, 2015, 01:58:55 AM »

I agree that he is probably gaslighting you. He might be very convincing, but I have serious doubts that he'd not remember saying such an outrageous thing. This does smack of grooming, which another poster mentioned. I think he's trying to gauge your reaction to see how far he can push you.

He's probably hoping because he doesn't remember, that you'll just drop it also. I'd probably remind him of what he said, and then set a firm boundary. As often as he's done this, be prepared for it to happen again, and have your boundary thought out beforehand.

It is seriously crazymaking when they say they don't remember saying or doing something. We all do it occasionally of course, but I've personally found that BPDh's memory loss, is often very convenient for HIM.
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« Reply #20 on: May 12, 2015, 10:52:54 AM »

Well, this has completely blown apart.  I do believe him that he doesn't remember... .if he is lying about remembering, he deserves an oscar and a golden globe. Here is what happened last night:

Last night, when I told him it wasn't appropriate to joke about stabbing me, he said "it was a joke in the kitchen and it happened weeks ago [get over it- essentially]"

I said "No... ." and I proceeded to tell him the account from my opening thread (actually I read it to him) where it was Friday morning in bed... .not in the kitchen weeks ago.  He instantly started crying and shaking... .his response was actual real shock.  He agrees it is scary and inappropriate... .and he is extremely concerned that he doesn't remember- to the point that he made an appointment with his T today, and another for next week so I can go with him.  In further discussion, he asked me to recount everything that happened that morning... .so I did... .down to me getting out of bed, leaving for work, and he yelled out the bedroom window to me to have a good day and that he loved me. He doesn't remember any of it... .and I believe him.  He said if he were to write a journal entry for that day, it would be that he got up for work and I had already left for work, he got up, had breakfast, and did his webinar for work at 9:15. He said he knew I had been there but doesn't remember seeing me, talking to me, or saying goodbye to me out the window.

I don't know guys- this is really so genuine of a reaction. I know he has lied a lot to me in the past- and I know he is very good and manipulative... .but I think this is genuine.  He got especially freaked out when he realized that he had a gun in the nightstand drawer that morning. I said "I wish you didn't tell me that".

Another piece of the puzzle is that he is a supermoto racer... .and has had several concussions. SO- my personal opinion this morning is that the stabby part is a BPD thing- but the fact he doesn't remember it and possibly did it "sleep walking" could be a Traumatic Brain Injury thing.  Ugh this is so complicated and confusing.

I made the mistake of saying something to my 2 best friends. I have zero understanding and support from them. All they said was "get out".  They have no experience with BPD though... .so now I feel really alone in this.

Oh- furthermore... .we discussed other situations. He asked me if there were other cases of this... .and I said... ."well, I have to assume you remember everything you did- so how can I know what you remember and what you don't?"  He mentioned that 2 weeks ago, his employees claimed they had a very extensive conversation about lunches in the office and how they were  splitting groceries and stuff... .and then they repeated the conversation a week later and he had ZERO recollection. I guess it became a source of contention that he didn't remember (he is the owner of the company). 

I asked him if he remembered holding a knife to my throat in the kitchen a year and a half ago... .saying he was going to slit my throat.  He said he didn't remember that.  I also mentioned a time very very early in our relationship where he confessed some horrible things he did in his younger years... .and at the end of the conversation threatened that if I ever told anyone, he would burn my daughter and I.  He said he didn't remember that one- but he did remember that I brought it up in further conversations and he had no idea what i was talking about.  He said that if I bring up stuff like this and he gets quiet and doesn't admit or deny that he said something, it's probably because he has no recollection of saying it.

I am not sure if I am more disturbed about the incident on Friday where he was basically not awake yet... .in sort of a twilight... .or if I am more disturbed about these times I am mentioning now where he was seemingly awake and coherent in the midst of otherwise "normal" situations.

So- this is where I stand. I am freaked out. I love him... .that's why I am on the staying board. But I am seriously questioning staying now.  I certainly don't want my daughter threatened. I don't want to live my life without him. He is my best friend... .but I don't know how I will be able to continue this.  I have to protect my daughter. 

I have told him "we are in this together. we'll get to the bottom of this. i'll hold your hand."... .but part of me feels like this is lies... .and I want to run.  I think I want to stick around for a few weeks- see if he actually goes to therapy... .see if he gets in to see his doctor. I think if I don't see real actual actions on his part to try to find a solution or diagnosis, then I will have to pick my daughter and my safety over all else.  This breaks my heart. I have already been without him once... .i don't want to go back to that place.
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« Reply #21 on: May 12, 2015, 11:04:46 AM »

I have experienced convincing, and extensive, very believable flat out memory blanks like this. Only to suddenly have the memory pop up way later, that did not sound like a sudden shocking recollection, as it would if it was their first recollection of it, but more like a matter of fact statement, to then be past off as a first recollection.

I think sometimes it can be more a matter of deliberate blocking of unpleasant truths, choosing not to hold on to the memory or quarantining it.

Either way whatever the reason, the boundaries and and consequences need to be the same.
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« Reply #22 on: May 12, 2015, 11:47:55 AM »

This is completely convincing. His reaction today is somewhat convincing as well. Like I said though... .I think his actions that he takes in the coming days will tell me a lot. 

I told him "I feel strongly that someone else should know about this besides me. I will let you pick the person, but someone objective, mature, serious, and someone who loves you needs to be aware of this... .like a parent or sibling."

He picked his 23 year old cousin- who would be the easiest person to tell- and hardly the best person to tell. If he decides to stick with this, I may tell his parents myself, which will no doubt be a death to the relationship.

It may be deliberate blocking. Maybe its split personalities? I don't know.

I have experienced what you say as well with the recollection passed off as a matter of fact statement... .not a shocking recollection.

I am pretty damn convinced he has no recollection. But maybe he is lying. maybe he really is lying... .i don't know how I would know.
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« Reply #23 on: May 12, 2015, 11:57:44 AM »

I am pretty damn convinced he has no recollection. But maybe he is lying. maybe he really is lying... .i don't know how I would know.

I have dealt with this as well. There are some things that my husband can't remember at all. He seems upset that he can't remember some things. He has started telling me, "Whatever you say. I can't remember."

There is no way to know whether or not they remember and are lying or don't remember. I think the best course of action is boundaries, in the moment. My husband claims to have had black outs like a person might get when drinking. He hasn't done the denial think in quite a while but then again he hasn't really done anything crappy in a while.
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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #24 on: May 12, 2015, 01:16:51 PM »

Your are right, you don't  have any way to know. I totally get staying with someone, in fact I'm doing exactly that myself. I know I can do better, and that I deserve better, but I don't want to start over, and I've never been a quitter. I get that people with BPD have trouble controlling anger, and it can get physical at times due to their impulsivity, but your BF holding a knife to your throat? And all his talk of stabbing you? No matter how much you love him, you have to love YOU and your DAUGHTER more.

I'm not telling you to leave, but he needs major help, and you do need to tell someone YOU trust, not affiliated with BF in any way. Can you find a safe place until he gets help? So that you can end up with a healthy, safe relationship? BPDh and I separated for a while, he worked through some stuff(as did I), and now he's diagnosed and in DBT. It was awful, and I missed him, and wish we could have done it together, but maybe he couldn't, maybe BPDh need the space to get where he is now.

This could be brain injury related, or any number of things, but he definitely talks of homicidal things, and I can tell you are scared. Who wouldn't be? He needs help, and it sounds like he's willing to get it. That is really good, but if he truly does say these things while "sleeping" or whatever, is he really safe to be around? It's much debated, but there are cases of murder during sleepwalking.

It's great to want to get him help, but look out for you and your daughter first. The best chance of you guys making this long term, is HIM getting the help he needs. Homicidal threats, and the knife to throat thing, sounds like way, way more than BPD... .

Hugs to you. I've been there where I'm so torn, wanting to believe him, but knowing I can't totally due to all his past lies. Knowing that I might have to leave for my sake, and the sake of my kids. I'm in a better place now, and I'm betting with the right help, you two can get there, but this needs to be taken very seriously. I'll be praying for you.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #25 on: May 12, 2015, 01:24:55 PM »

Whether he is acting like he forgot or actually forgot matters... .but you can just wrap yourself around an axle wondering. And that isn't the most important thing--it is secondary.

What is far more important is that he did something this disturbing, whether he remembers it or not.

Plan ahead for enforcing boundaries with him if he attempts anything of the sort in the future. That is your most important action right now.

Meanwhile... .if it prompts him to get help, that is a good step, at least.
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OffRoad
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« Reply #26 on: May 12, 2015, 04:26:23 PM »

NOT OKAY! Period. The proper response would be to move out of harms way with a way out of the house, then say right then, "That really isn't acceptable talk/behavior. Please don't ever say that again. " He should acknowledge that immediately and apologize. If he can't take that, you have a severe problem.

Not okay. Ever.
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funfunky

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« Reply #27 on: May 12, 2015, 06:02:03 PM »

Well, this has completely blown apart.  I do believe him that he doesn't remember... .if he is lying about remembering, he deserves an oscar and a golden globe. Here is what happened last night:

Last night, when I told him it wasn't appropriate to joke about stabbing me, he said "it was a joke in the kitchen and it happened weeks ago [get over it- essentially]"

I said "No... ." and I proceeded to tell him the account from my opening thread (actually I read it to him) where it was Friday morning in bed... .not in the kitchen weeks ago.  He instantly started crying and shaking... .his response was actual real shock.  He agrees it is scary and inappropriate... .and he is extremely concerned that he doesn't remember- to the point that he made an appointment with his T today, and another for next week so I can go with him.  In further discussion, he asked me to recount everything that happened that morning... .so I did... .down to me getting out of bed, leaving for work, and he yelled out the bedroom window to me to have a good day and that he loved me. He doesn't remember any of it... .and I believe him.  He said if he were to write a journal entry for that day, it would be that he got up for work and I had already left for work, he got up, had breakfast, and did his webinar for work at 9:15. He said he knew I had been there but doesn't remember seeing me, talking to me, or saying goodbye to me out the window.

I don't know guys- this is really so genuine of a reaction. I know he has lied a lot to me in the past- and I know he is very good and manipulative... .but I think this is genuine.  He got especially freaked out when he realized that he had a gun in the nightstand drawer that morning. I said "I wish you didn't tell me that".

Another piece of the puzzle is that he is a supermoto racer... .and has had several concussions. SO- my personal opinion this morning is that the stabby part is a BPD thing- but the fact he doesn't remember it and possibly did it "sleep walking" could be a Traumatic Brain Injury thing.  Ugh this is so complicated and confusing.

I made the mistake of saying something to my 2 best friends. I have zero understanding and support from them. All they said was "get out".  They have no experience with BPD though... .so now I feel really alone in this.

Oh- furthermore... .we discussed other situations. He asked me if there were other cases of this... .and I said... ."well, I have to assume you remember everything you did- so how can I know what you remember and what you don't?"  He mentioned that 2 weeks ago, his employees claimed they had a very extensive conversation about lunches in the office and how they were  splitting groceries and stuff... .and then they repeated the conversation a week later and he had ZERO recollection. I guess it became a source of contention that he didn't remember (he is the owner of the company). 

I asked him if he remembered holding a knife to my throat in the kitchen a year and a half ago... .saying he was going to slit my throat.  He said he didn't remember that.  I also mentioned a time very very early in our relationship where he confessed some horrible things he did in his younger years... .and at the end of the conversation threatened that if I ever told anyone, he would burn my daughter and I.  He said he didn't remember that one- but he did remember that I brought it up in further conversations and he had no idea what i was talking about.  He said that if I bring up stuff like this and he gets quiet and doesn't admit or deny that he said something, it's probably because he has no recollection of saying it.

I am not sure if I am more disturbed about the incident on Friday where he was basically not awake yet... .in sort of a twilight... .or if I am more disturbed about these times I am mentioning now where he was seemingly awake and coherent in the midst of otherwise "normal" situations.

So- this is where I stand. I am freaked out. I love him... .that's why I am on the staying board. But I am seriously questioning staying now.  I certainly don't want my daughter threatened. I don't want to live my life without him. He is my best friend... .but I don't know how I will be able to continue this.  I have to protect my daughter. 

I have told him "we are in this together. we'll get to the bottom of this. i'll hold your hand."... .but part of me feels like this is lies... .and I want to run.  I think I want to stick around for a few weeks- see if he actually goes to therapy... .see if he gets in to see his doctor. I think if I don't see real actual actions on his part to try to find a solution or diagnosis, then I will have to pick my daughter and my safety over all else.  This breaks my heart. I have already been without him once... .i don't want to go back to that place.

I have experienced ALL of this with my PwBPD. His memory lapses and slips into what i'd consider another personality (disassociation as my therapist has informed me it's called) are terrifying. He has gone into this sinister side only a few times, maybe a handful of them. But he does have other memory lapses as well. He often forgets any fights we have. Any reparations he may promise are always forgotten within days. I've informed him about this and he does say it's a big problem, but that he's not sure what to do about it. I get a lot of "I don't even know how you put up with me." Sometimes I wonder that myself. I too have experienced stabby threats and it was utterly terrifying especially since he had slipped into his sinister dissociative side. I really felt for sure that he'd do it and I fell apart, completely in tears.  He barely remembers this event and has basically pushed it aside as nothing. What's worse is that he refuses to continue therapy. I don't find it acceptable to be threatened and then have him later push it aside as nothing. I really want to stay and work things out, but I also don't want to be stabbed to death either.

You know, my partner has actually experienced the same kind of thing with a traumatic brain injury as well. He's hit his head so many times i've lost count. A good many of his falls were due to an overdose of a medication or overreaction to a medication he was on. The psychiatrist who put him on it refused to take him off the medication and didn't find the falls to be a concern. He discontinued the medication on his own, and I was totally on board with the decision. His memory has gotten worse and worse over the past two years. He thinks journaling might help him, but he's afraid to journal because of his past with his family. Basically his family members used to steal his diary and read it out loud. I suggested a safe to put it in, but we can't even afford a cheap one right now. I'm hoping we'll have the money for one this next paycheck, because if he could journal down these events it might help him to see how often these memory lapses happen and how out of control he gets. It might also help him decide to get treatment again. Has your partner considered journaling at all? If he's not able to journal when he's in that mode, I do agree that it would help if you wrote down when it happened and what he said, etc. It just seems to be more helpful if it's them writing it, because they can then really see that it was something they themselves wrote.

Not sure if any of that helps, but just letting you know i've had the same sort of things happen.
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cloudten
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« Reply #28 on: May 12, 2015, 07:34:56 PM »

My bf thinks a journal would help him too. Is there anyway he could keep a google doc journal? Its totally free and secure unless he gives out his password. Safe from his family. There are other free online journalling services too... .just do an internet seach.  I find that my bf is very suspicious of his family too.

I also get the "i dont know how you put up with me" or "i not good enough for you" or "you can do better than me" statements. Today he has been very depressed about us figuring out these memory lapses last night and said "i'm a failure. I am not human. I am broken." All things that break my heart. I validated his feelings... .but i myself am scared... .and he has yet to validate my feelings... .not that i expect him to at this point. I am worried after his comments today that he will commit suicide. He has the means and willpower.

When i said something to him last night about being a different persona when it happened... .he quietly said "thats what it feels like... .i totally understand what you mean by that and agree"... .

this is just all uncharted territory. I didnt realize that he has no memory of the sinister side when it happens. i just assumed he remembered most everything... .just as i do.

Ceruleanblue- that i me 100%. I know i want better, deserve better... .but i love him... .i dont want anyone else... .and i dont want to start over. I have enough of my own issues that i dont think anyone else would ever tolerate. I would end up being alone and miserable while someone else gets the benefit of being with him after i have helped him come so far. It would kill me to see him with someone else. I truly believe he and i are meant for each other... .  but my daughter has to be #1... .her safety is my responsibility. I have never been so torn in my life.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #29 on: May 13, 2015, 09:48:04 AM »

Ceruleanblue- that i me 100%. I know i want better, deserve better... .but i love him... .i dont want anyone else... .and i dont want to start over. I have enough of my own issues that i dont think anyone else would ever tolerate. I would end up being alone and miserable while someone else gets the benefit of being with him after i have helped him come so far. It would kill me to see him with someone else. I truly believe he and i are meant for each other... .  but my daughter has to be #1... .her safety is my responsibility. I have never been so torn in my life.

I'm concerned that you think that no one else would "tolerate" you because of your issues. We all have issues.   

And you don't want someone else to get "the benefit of being with him" after you've helped him. This makes him sound like a project.

I stayed in an abusive marriage for many years because I thought those same things. When it suddenly occurred to me that at some point one of us would kill the other, I woke up and I was done. What led to this was finding myself running down the driveway at midnight, fleeing from him. I finally found my voice and screamed for help, which I had never done before. I slept that night alone with a knife in my hand and I told myself if he were to attack me, I would fight with everything I had. I was no longer going to be a victim. Fortunately he didn't, but that was the end of my marriage and I never had one moment of regret, even though the divorce was hell.

I'm not saying that he's attacking you physically, but he is attacking you psychically and verbally. Verbal abuse often leads to physical abuse. Please be very careful.
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