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Author Topic: I ask what I think is innocent question he completely comes unglued over it  (Read 521 times)
nodoover
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« on: May 08, 2015, 08:20:17 PM »

I realized after he raged on and on about me, the way I grew up, etc.  I asked him what did that have to do with a moving truck?

This all started from me asking him about size of moving truck from U-haul we are getting the largest 26 ft.  I just found out today that we had another u-haul trailer behind it last time.

It triggered him because to him everything is about trust and I don't trust him according to him.  I am not allowed to ask any questions of planning because to him that means I don't trust his decisions.

I made the mistake of forgetting how he is with the trust issue and when I asked about size he went off. That he had looked at all we have and thinks it can fit.

I don't dare say a word but I am calmly thinking we have about the same stuff we brought here minus a few things we are selling but plus a few things we bought. 

I have been very stressed about move because all conversations with him now set him off and sometimes me because my patience for him is weening. 

So what he throws at me if I ask him anything is you are a worrywart.  Yes I am concerned but I don't understand why we can't calmly discuss things so I won't worry.

Right now after throwing a big fit, he is in the back seat of my car sleeping.  I am glad he is taking a needed time out.  Part of his problem is he didn't sleep well last night.

My question is how can I talk to him when everything these days is triggering him?  The move was his idea.  I tried for years to talk him out of it knowing how it would stress us both but finally gave in. 

How can I show him I trust him while still being able to ask honest questions?  Why is he not seeing how much stuff we have?  He is thinking we have extra space because we are selling living room furniture and dining table, but when we came we bought the couch and chair here on table was brought here.  We bought my desk, filing cabinet, 2 chairs, and 3 bar stools since living here added to our stuff along with my motor scooter. 

So in my mind we have more not less stuff even with selling things.  We sold two big outdoor furniture sets, but we bought both of them here.

I don't want to make him feel stupid but he isn't thinking of that. 

I am afraid the day will come, our stuff won't fit, he will come unglued, we will have to rent a second truck and trailer for me to drive (we are moving two states away) and they won't have the equipment since we didn't order it.

I know most people pay the big money and hire someone, we can't afford that.

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nodoover
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« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2015, 09:07:01 PM »

I just left for a drive because first he tells me he has tooth problem i never heard about before and needs dentist.

Then he says he has to repair small hole in wall he made slamming door, i looked it isnt bad but will need plaster and paint.

Then he said like he has many times that we have bad relationship and should break up.

Usually within a few hours or days he is in love with me i am the best thing in his life.

I never know whether to believe him.  But what is making today hard for me is we are in middle of a huge move with no home picked out. We have to go there first, we just had relatives vacation house to use for a few weeks.
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nodoover
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« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2015, 11:18:39 PM »

Like I said, blown over like it was nothing.  We had a nice dinner.

Feels so weird to live like this.  Normally i am getting better on not freaking out at his rages but i have been stressed to my max.



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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2015, 04:02:43 AM »

It is a weird way to live, I can relate. At least he managed to calm down. I wouldn't expect it to last though during this stressful time. We moved recently too. It was a move BPDh wanted, but it was still stressful. Our move was way more involved then he anticipated also, and for the first time we hired movers. It ended up being way more than he'd budgeted(I'd tried to tell him). Plus, he refused to donate or sell things, so we now also have storage unit fees monthly to store all the stuff we don't need.

This move was hardest though on me, as I feel BPDh did it to isolate me from my family. My son chose to stay at my parents to finish school, which I understand, but that's hard on me, and BPDh had my son targeted(along with me). Just more of the double standards. I'm expected to take outright abuse from his grown daughters, but BPDh can't take typical teen behaviors from my son that I don't just excuse.

Just try not to worry, about the move. I did pretty good at that this time, and I made myself scarce as we'd hired movers. The way I saw it was, BPDh was the one who wouldn't make it easier by getting rid of more, let him deal with it. I'm all about natural consequences: You don't get rid of crap, you pay to have it moved, and he got stuck actually helping the movers all day.

Just plan for the worst the day of the move. Have a game plan going in, that you'll not get upset no matter how he rages? Moving is always stressful, and having a BPD partner makes it that much more so.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2015, 06:22:18 AM »

My H can get unglued after being asked a simple question- about anything. Somehow, he interprets questions as some kind of aggressive attack. As a response, he asks a question in return- as a counterattack, or avoids the question. If I persist with questioning, he then accuses me of "hammering" him.

With something like this moving truck thing, I have decided to leave the consequences to him. If it ended up that the truck was too small, then he would see the results of his decision. If I tried to avoid that by arguing, then the rage would be about me.

For issues that I feel strongly about, I do risk the argument. Once he wanted our kid, a new driver, to drive a truck. I felt that this was unsafe. I argued. It became a huge messy rage scene, but there was no way that I would passively accept that.

While my not bringing up things might sound like I am enabling, I feel as it it is not enabling to not try to fix things for him. In a way, I have been doing some of this all along- intervening to fix things like him renting a wrong size truck. Yet if he did order the wrong size truck, he would find this out on his own. Sometimes, he comes up with the same idea I would have if I let it go. He might even realize it was the wrong size in time too.

It has bothered me that my H is evasive, and questioning triggers him. Sometimes he will answer me, but only after a while. There is something about answering me that feels submissive to him. I think he feels he has to have the upper hand, all the time. Maybe it is a boundary he needs in order to not feel vulnerable.  I don't like it, but I find that letting him have his tight boundaries works better for us.
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an0ught
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« Reply #5 on: May 09, 2015, 10:33:08 AM »

Hi nodoover,

Excerpt
For issues that I feel strongly about, I do risk the argument. Once he wanted our kid, a new driver, to drive a truck. I felt that this was unsafe. I argued. It became a huge messy rage scene, but there was no way that I would passively accept that.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Know where you pick your battles.

Often pwBPD are quite good in handling crisis until they are not 

It probably is a good idea to keep in mind that for pwBPD the world is fractured and put special attention to situational awareness. Generally the drama of the move should help to keep him in balance, it is sort of validating when things go wrong left, right and center. He will freak out one moment and be ok the next. It won't help you very much seeing the whole situation all the time and feeling overwhelmed  .

Excerpt
Feels so weird to live like this.  Normally i am getting better on not freaking out at his rages but i have been stressed to my max.

Besides your own awareness of his emotions it may help gently raising his awareness of your emotional situation using SET. He will feel at times invalidated by your worrying but then that is you and your feelings are ok too. You know that! It still is may be better to raise it at times and not be fully understood than him projecting any other things or being suddenly startled by your misaligned emotional temperature.

Excerpt
It has bothered me that my H is evasive, and questioning triggers him. Sometimes he will answer me, but only after a while. There is something about answering me that feels submissive to him. I think he feels he has to have the upper hand, all the time. Maybe it is a boundary he needs in order to not feel vulnerable.  I don't like it, but I find that letting him have his tight boundaries works better for us.

Sounds like general insecurity to me. If he needs to be the boss then validate it. Remember that validation usually decreases a certain emotion. It may also help to ask for support when you feel beaten down - should help his ego and help you.

Excerpt
There is something about answering me that feels submissive to him.

"Why" is a four letter word for pwBPD. "What" works sometimes but triggers sometimes too. Some things are just difficult, he is a real expert (or has planned it, or has first hand knowledge, or has thought a lot about it) and could he please explain it to you.
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nodoover
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« Reply #6 on: May 11, 2015, 01:13:22 AM »

We went for a walk yesterday and he was able to talk without getting mad.  He had decided to go look at truck, and agrees with me that we might need second smaller truck.

Either way i am driving my car or second smaller truck towing car so no long trip with stress guy!

I do agree with picking battles and most are not worth the rage, just leave the room. 
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waverider
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« Reply #7 on: May 11, 2015, 08:05:36 AM »

Moving is stressful, for a pwBPD it is a given, its really a matter of not allowing it to be channeled through you. Maybe he needs a real problem to group up so he can curse that instead.

Often I find that rather than trying to say we should do B instead of A, it works best if i say plan on A and have  B available as a back up plan. Then they get to choose which one to go with, without you saying A is a dud, that can be their choice.

Its just stubbornness reacting to you supposedly knowing better than them
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Notwendy
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« Reply #8 on: May 11, 2015, 08:29:41 AM »



I agree with driving separately if you can. Long stressful trips in the car are a possible volatile situations.

Making a suggestion can feel invalidating to them. I can make the most innocent comment and it can be triggering. I find myself sitting in the car quietly while my H makes a wrong turn. It's not as if I haven't done that myself ( nobody is perfect) but I figure it is better for him to figure it out on his own. The other day he drove right past the place we were going. Ordinarily I would have said " Hey it's right there, we passed it" but it wasn't worth it.

Once we were in the store and I suggested using a different credit card as it would have been better for our financial record keeping. That didn't go well. It then came down to, if it isn't a large amount, to just not bother.

It's hard to not think this is enabling, but I feel as if I have stronger boundaries when it comes to issues that are worth the "battle". I have found that my H's initial response to most things I suggest is negative. However, he frequently then comes up with the same idea if left to think about it. I have joked that he will do something as long as I don't say it.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #9 on: May 11, 2015, 09:24:01 AM »

PwBPD are so filled with self-criticism that any questions or suggestions we may offer merely add to their load of self-loathing and self-doubt.

I get blindsided all the time when I think I'm merely having a conversation and suddenly I'm faced with the beginnings of dysregulation.

I've discovered recently that if I speak with my husband as though he's a five year old on a sports team--and keep encouraging him and telling him how good he's doing, and what good ideas he has--then things go a lot better.

It's truly disappointing not to have an adult-adult relationship, but keeping the peace and helping him to feel positive certainly works better than the alternative.
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nodoover
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« Reply #10 on: May 12, 2015, 12:07:17 AM »

Waverider your post was channeled.  He has a real problem now.

18 yrs ago before we got together, (we have been 16 married 15), he got throat cancer, was lucky to have a good surgeon in SF and it has never come back and he had single cell a type you normally die of. 

But he also had radiation near his jaw.  Since he keeps his teeth perfect he had no problems until a few years ago needed a tooth pulled and had to be in hyperbaric chamber for a month first.

So he had appt with dentist today because he felt something was wrong. I hoped not with the move but xrays show both that tooth and others are getting effected with deteriation from the radiation. 

He came into my work crying, then offering me a divorce because he wants implants and hyperbaric treatments and its true will cost a fortune we dont have.  We are retired now and no dental insurance.

I have had a rough day.  I hate when he throws divorce up at me and i hate being tested all the time.  He spent years getting me to sell this house and i agreed if we could downsize and travel.  This could easily take our money away.

He was upset earlier, i just got home from bookclub, i only went because they threw me goodbye party.  He is all calm and relaxed now and i have felt gut punched all day and still do.

Thank god my counselor squeezed me in early tomorrow.
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formflier
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« Reply #11 on: May 13, 2015, 07:57:13 AM »

 

nodoover,

One thing that I've had to work on in myself... .is to separate what my wife has a right to do... .and what I have a right to do.

Divorce threats used to be constant... .IMO... .no because she wanted a divorce... .but because she got some kind of a reaction from me... .that "did something" for her.

Divorce threats bothered me greatly... .

Here is what I had to get through my head.  She has every right to talk about divorce... .whenever she wants.  That's on her.

I have every right to decide to listen... .or not.

I can't force her... .she can't force me.  I erroneously thought if I pleaded enough... .made deals... .explained things... .show her articles that explained how damaging divorce threats are... .that she would "get it" and stop doing divorce threats.  Didn't work for me... .and generally seems to not work for most pwBPD

What did seem to make the problem better... .was have a consistent response... ."I'm not going do discuss divorce... ." and leave the room.

In fact... .I can't really remember my exact phrase.  I had it down pat for a while. 

Once it stops "working" for them... .they will most likely choose something else.

Thoughts on this?  Do you see any patterns like this in your r/s?

FF
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nodoover
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« Reply #12 on: May 28, 2015, 12:15:41 AM »

Getting towards end of move.  Some days we can barely talk as he jumps on anything i say and tells me i am a control freak while he is controlling everything!

I am seeing a end to this soon.

I myself had emergency dental work this week, a crown broke off and had to be replaced.  Its really been a trial by fire this move.

FF i like your idea to just say i dont dicuss that and leave the room.  I have been leaving more often last few years as he rages but he tries to get in my way now and stop me since he knows what i am about to do.

Tomorrow we put everything into uhaul trucks he is driving big one and me smaller one. We have two guys helping.  I just am grateful for the help, our last move was cussing and stress on final day.

In a way my emergency stopped his thinking all about him and he has been nicer to me since.
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« Reply #13 on: May 28, 2015, 05:33:36 AM »

 

You should probably consult a lawyer where you are going to live.

Ask about what the law says about someone that blocks you from leaving a room.

FF
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