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Author Topic: She attempted suicide  (Read 1165 times)
maxsterling
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« on: May 09, 2015, 02:36:17 AM »

Tonight was pretty well.  Well, okay.  She complained of pain, being bored, and the typical.  Didn't want to eat diner at home, so we went out. 

And on the way home, started talking about having sex without condoms.  It's more than just the baby thing.  1) She has herpes.  2)  I am on antibiotics, and right now extremely susceptible to yeast infections.  So, I told her that unless we are actively trying, I would still rather use condoms because I am prone to yeast infections.  Then all hell broke loose.  Same old story.  2 hour rant about how I don't love her, don't take care of her, don't earn enough, same old record.  After 2 hours of saying she wanted a divorce, I told her I would print up the annulment papers.  When I tried to exit the room, she hit me.  And hit me again when I tired to leave the room again.  She wanted me to reserve a hotel room for her telling me "I am not going to tell you what I am going to do in there."  I was in the process of reserving her a hotel room (bad enabling idea) and she remarked about how she is going to write letters blaming all on me  and haunt me for the rest of my life.  Then she started smashing things.  At that point, I picked up the phone, told her I would call police due to violence,   She then grabbed at me, hit me in the head with her phone, punched at my arm and scratched at my arm, and then swallowed her whole bottle of xanax. 

Police came, paramedics came, and now she is on the way to the hospital.  Police said if I had not called immediately, she would have died. 
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maxsterling
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« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2015, 02:45:31 AM »

I guess the issue is whether to press domestic violence charges.   I've got a small knot on my head, a few bruises, and a few scratches.
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« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2015, 03:11:53 AM »

I guess my goal now is to take care of me, enjoy the calm.  I will sleep on the sofa, turn on a tv show, take a couple benadryl, and fall asleep.  Whatever I can do to relax. 

Tomorrow is AM alanon, I may ride my bike there.  Then maybe see if I can go to hospital?  Or see if I hear from her first?  I feel angry about all this.
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« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2015, 03:15:52 AM »

Hi Max im sorry you are going through this.

I would speak to the police and see if theres any way to get her institutionalised for her own safety.

For your own protection you may want to have your injuries recorded as these situations can very often get turned against you.

By explaining to the police her mental health problems they may not want to go down the normal route of prosecution. By doing nothing she may try to put the blame on you. Saying you attacked her and she tried to commit suicide due to your abuse.

Where are you with your marriage? Are you still wanting to make it work or is it over?
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« Reply #4 on: May 09, 2015, 03:17:08 AM »

Holy mackerel maxsterling, so sorry to hear this development. She would appear to be totally out of control. You know you I'd the right thing... .but don't expect any appreciation for it.  

Your question I pondered for a moment. I don't know the finer details of your relationship but my understanding is pwBPD tend to have to hit rok bottom before they acknowledge their part and seek to change or seek to improve.

My last thought is about you. If you are going to continue in the relationship (which i believe you will) you will need to protect yourself. From further harm... .and potentially the authorities.

I believe you should seek to press charges insofar as to set a precedent, because pwBPD 1. can be manipulative and in the event of no suicide attempt could reverse the situation and say you attacked and they are self defence injuries that you sustained on this occasion or in the future if this break down this badly. And 2. It is my experience that pwBPD tend to rewrite history and so this may be twisted to be your fault. It is pretty clear and hard to argue who is at fault when criminal charges have been laid by police.

Just my thoughts.
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« Reply #5 on: May 09, 2015, 04:17:31 AM »

Yes, I tend to agree with the others that you should probably make sure she can't twist this back on you. If that means pressing charges, so be it. I should have pressed charges on BPDh several times. I actually did become suicidal for a while, because I'd gotten out of an 18 year verbally abusive marriage with an angry man, did therapy, thought I knew what to look for, and still ended up with BPDh(he duped me basically/showed true self after we married). He just kept acting more and more bizarre, and hateful, and he beat me down, until I was at an all time low. I dug myself out, and am so much stronger now, and he's now diagnosed with basically what I consider to be two disorders. Not surprising as BPD seems to be comorbid so often.

I wish I'd set more of a precedent earlier in my marriage, maybe he'd have gotten help sooner. Plus, at least he'd have known I was serious about not taking the physical abuse. He likes to say he was only physical when I was suicidal, which is totally not true. I became suicidal because he'd hurt me mentally, and physically just because HE was dysregulated. I'll never let him get to me that way again mentally. I'll never again give him so much power, or become so depressed. He lost a lot of his ability to hurt me. I had to toughen up, in order to stay in this marriage. Otherwise, he'd just beat me down again.

Take care of YOU, and don't let your love for her blind you to how out of control she is. I did that, and looking back, it didn't do either of us any favors. Hugs to you Maxsterling. It's a tough place to be in.
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« Reply #6 on: May 09, 2015, 05:44:39 AM »

I don't have any advice beyond what is said here- to get legal assistance/documentation of what happened as pw BPD can re-write history. I am sorry that this happened. I think by now, you realize that she is emotionally very unstable. I hope that this hospitalization is something that leads to her getting help one way or the other.


What would be the point of not using condoms unless you are trying for a baby? ( I am not going into the pleasure/personal reasons, but if this is what you have been using for yourself, and she wants a baby, then this would seem like the #1 motivation even if she cites other reasons. It takes the control away from you. She then has control over contraception if you stop using them. I'm sorry, but even if she assures you that she is taking care of the birth control on her end, I would not believe it)

Condoms are the only way you have any control in whether or not you become a father.

Condoms are also the only way you have any control over whether or not you get herpes. Relying on her to tell you she has an outbreak isn't putting you in control of your health. A person with BPD could have some interest in you getting herpes. I imagine she feels badly that she has it, so you having it too might make her feel less bad about it. She could, in a rage, want to hurt you ( you know this already) and having herpes might make it hard for you to cheat on her.

Whether or not you are in a r/s with her or anyone else- you have the right to protect your health, and also to decide to be a father or not ( to the best of your ability) .

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« Reply #7 on: May 09, 2015, 07:48:59 AM »

There will a whole lot of complications and reasons that would have triggered this episode, but that is something to work through later, for now it is protect yourself and boundary time.

I haven't gone through the assault side of things, but I have been through endless overdoses like this. It is important that in future available medication needs to be restricted, even if that means weekly dispensation or few days at a time. Bottles of pills are just too tempting for a dysregulated pwBPD, and xanax are just too quick acting to be easily accessable.

Lethal OD from Xanax (and benzos in general) alone is rare, but it is quick acting and becomes much more dangerous when taken with alcohol. It over relaxes to the point of slowed to stopped breathing. In future don't allow too much availability to paracetamol either, it is far more dangerous in ODs than most people realize.

For now take a moment to gather yourself and allow things to settle into perspective.

I have no doubt the hospital will quickly release her once she has convinced them she is not an imminent suicide threat. pwBPD ODing is not new to them, and they know there is not a lot they can do about it.
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« Reply #8 on: May 09, 2015, 08:28:10 AM »

Thanks everyone.  Right now I feel like I have the worst hangover in my life.  And I havent had so much as a beer in weeks.

I don't know about the future of the r/s, about visiting her in the hospital, how long she will be there, etc, but I know if I don't take care of myself ASAP, I will likely be in the hospital, too.  My guess is she will at least be there a few days.  She needs supervised detox from xanax.  No doctor will send her home with more Xanax, and there is a danger to her if she stopped cold turkey.
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« Reply #9 on: May 09, 2015, 09:02:35 AM »

Max, thank goodness you're alive.   

It seems that this came just four days after her statement that she wanted to kill you. I hope professionals, family and friends can help both of you at this traumatic time.

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« Reply #10 on: May 09, 2015, 10:07:57 AM »

maxsterling,

I am so very  sorry you went through this.   It felt scary to read, I can't imagine what it was like to live through.

I have never experienced an overdose with my partner, and God willing I won't.  I have experienced an argument that degraded into physical violence that ended up with broken bones.

From my experience I can tell you that what you are feeling is perfectly normal.

 Right now I feel like I have the worst hangover in my life.  And I havent had so much as a beer in weeks.

To be involved in an assault is physical draining and you do end up with what I call an emotional hangover.  You described it perfectly.  I think maybe its because your body pours out so much adrenaline and energy that you end up spent.   I know that after my event I felt like I had the flu for about 2 weeks.   I slept a lot and it wasn't restful restorative sleep.

I want to reinforce what a lot of other people mentioned.  Now is really the time to take care of you.  Put yourself first.   She is in the hospital, she is safe, trained people are looking out for her.  

Please be gentle with you, you were an unwilling participant in a pretty horrific event.   That's very hard even on strong competent people like you are, it takes a toll.  

It's going to take some time to sort through what happened, it's going to take some work to figure out how to navigate this.   And what was true for me, was that emotions continued to surface for sometime after wards. Weeks after wards.

I would suggest, if at all possible, to hang with people who can support and appreciate you.   It's easier to walk through this with some one at your side.  Your thinking may not be as clear as you would like it to be just the now.

Make sure you eat as healthy as you can, drink as many fluids as you can stand and sleep.  

hang in there and do what is good for maxsterling.

'ducks

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« Reply #11 on: May 09, 2015, 10:47:42 AM »

I don't really have anything to add. I want to give you some hugs of support.   

I have a sister that has tried to OD a couple of different times and each time, she was hospitalized for about a month. They had to make sure that she didn't suffer any ill effects of the stuff she took. Then they had to change her meds and get her stable. How long it takes for that to happen varies. And, it depends on whether or not there is insurance. My sister probably would have been kept longer but she was in the state mental hospital so they did the bare minimum.

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« Reply #12 on: May 09, 2015, 11:57:31 AM »

Hi max,

Like waverider my dBPDh has taken multiple overdoses whilst dysregulated and because of this all his medication is restricted so that he never has a stockpile in the house. Since all avenues were closed down for him, impulsive overdoses have stopped.

What is really worrying in what you write, is the physical violence toward you. This is a serious escalation. What you do about this will lay down very important boundaries for the future of your relationship.

I have never been subjected to physical violence or threats of harm and for me they are steps too far. I would not be able to stay in my marriage if this had occurred.

Your wife like many SO's on here has a clinical diagnosis of BPD, my h was diagnosed when he was 17. For me I am just beginning to realise what this diagnosis really means. My h is low-functioning and fulfils all 9 BPD criteria. I've always known this, but had no idea what it really meant to how he functions in the world and more importantly in a relationship. He is currently in a secure forensic facility for at least the next three months. When I put boundaries in place and used the techniques that I learnt here, my h took his disorder out into the world at large and raged at them. He could not contain it.

Even with acknowledgement of the diagnosis, support, medication and treatment it can still mean for some of us that in choosing to stay we accept that there is no regulation without dysregulation.

I am really sorry that this has happened for you both.
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« Reply #13 on: May 09, 2015, 12:13:17 PM »

   This is soo tough on you, max.

My only thought is that this is the kind of wake-up call to tell you that you cannot take care of her yourself. She needs more than you can do. Especially since you are so far down yourself that you have almost nothing to give her anymore.

If you can find any other solution besides her being released from the hospital to live with you, do it.

Perhaps telling the hospital that you cannot care for her now, and you will not accept her being released into your care will help create a better situation.
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« Reply #14 on: May 09, 2015, 12:23:21 PM »

Hi again max, I just want to echo GK's point. When I was really struggling in 2013/14 I refused to have my h home from hospital, I did not feel able to cope given that he was at that point only hospitalised for a couple of nights.

I phoned and spoke to the hospital P at the time who agreed to keep him longer, they also said if I needed longer they would place him in supportive accommodation. They did not discharge him home with more than 3 days medication, the rest was brought in daily when he came home by his social worker. We have a young son so his welfare was paramount and it was easy to say 'no'. It took me sometime to put my needs first. The realisation that there was no one around to look after my well-being but that my h would always be looked after was a stark wake up call.

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« Reply #15 on: May 09, 2015, 12:37:04 PM »

Thanks everyone for your kind words and support.  I need to reach out to people today to help me remember this is not about me and nothing I caused.

I feel too traumatized to talk to her right now, but I did call the hospital.  They said she is medically okay, just waiting for a bed.  Hopefully they find a bed for her soon and she gets the care she needs.

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« Reply #16 on: May 09, 2015, 02:11:32 PM »

a psych/social worker called me from the hospital and asked me details of what happened last night. I told her everything I could.  She then asked if this was the first time, to which I said "no".  I gave her details of other incidents, and the period of several months where she made comments or references to killing herself or not wanting to live almost daily.

The social worker says W wants to come home, and asked if I thought that was a good idea.  I said "no".  I said that I am very shaken by all of this, and I fear it just happening again if she came home. I said I would feel more comfortable if they detoxed her off her meds first so that way she has nothing at home she can OD on.

The social worker was going to try and get her to voluntarily admit herself, and if not petition her to get admitted. 

I just don't see how any responsible doctor could even consider releasing someone less than 24 hours after a suicide attempt. 
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« Reply #17 on: May 09, 2015, 02:22:20 PM »

Well done max for saying 'no', you might have to say it a few more times yet. 

Unfortunately here in the UK, families of pw mental health issues are referred to as 'The Hospital at Home!' The only way to avoid this is to say 'no.' My h has pulled the IV out of his arm and walked home in the middle of the night. No one stopped him, no one alerted the police that he had left.

Saying no at least means they will start looking for a bed. Have you told them about your w wanting to kill you? This points at risk to others and sadly in my experience means that services take things a bit more seriously than risk to self.
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« Reply #18 on: May 09, 2015, 02:51:05 PM »

Well done max for saying 'no', you might have to say it a few more times yet. 

Unfortunately here in the UK, families of pw mental health issues are referred to as 'The Hospital at Home!' The only way to avoid this is to say 'no.'

Well done indeed! Can you check to see if legally the hospital can release your wife if she cannot go home? Not that you're kicking her out of the family home, but just that there is no safe place for her with you at the moment. . . . When this happens, I think another set of service protocols kicks in for the hospital staff and social workers, as they remain responsible for her until she has accommodations.

I think both her family and yours will hope that both you and she can be safe just now.
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« Reply #19 on: May 09, 2015, 03:18:53 PM »

well, they petitioned her (as they should) and she isn't coming home tonight.  Honestly, I feel relieved.   

But I am going to go down to visit her.  I really do love her and miss her and wish more than anything she could be on the sofa with me watching a movie.  But I know I have to be strong here.  She has very serious issues, and needs serious help.
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« Reply #20 on: May 09, 2015, 04:26:04 PM »

well, they petitioned her (as they should) and she isn't coming home tonight.  Honestly, I feel relieved.   

But I am going to go down to visit her.  I really do love her and miss her and wish more than anything she could be on the sofa with me watching a movie.  But I know I have to be strong here.  She has very serious issues, and needs serious help.

This is good for now, max. It gives you time to step back, release some tension, and evaluate. Visiting her in a controlled, safe environment will hopefully turn out well, and assure her that you're still there for her.

When you talked to the SW, did you tell them about your wife's violent acting out?
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« Reply #21 on: May 09, 2015, 06:06:31 PM »

Max,

I'm so sorry this happened, but I'm not surprised. She has been sending signals of this for quite a while.

As a former domestic violence victim, I want to warn you. Once they cross that boundary of attacking their partner, they're more likely to do it again. My ex husband never threatened to kill me, but he could have easily, by mistake, with some of his assaults.

Your wife has not only threatened to kill herself, she has threatened to kill you! This is very serious.

I know this is the Staying board, but Max, I hope you put enough distance and protection between her and yourself so that she has no chance of harming you. As Grey Kitty says, this is way too dangerous for you to manage on your own.

 

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« Reply #22 on: May 09, 2015, 07:18:24 PM »

I did go visit her in the hospital for about 2.5 hours.  She's still in an ER holding area, waiting for a bed, hates it there.  I understand.  She wants to come home.  She apologized, and acts remorseful. 

I just noticed I have a bruise on my chest and a knot on the back of my head. I am going to try and photo/document those.  Nothing serious, but I think documenting everything si very important. 

I told the social worker everything, going back months.  W's options are 1) submit to voluntary hospitalization, in which she will get the first bed available at any facility, and will be discharged when deemed appropriate, or 2) she does not submit to voluntary hospitalization, and the social worker petitions her, and she winds up being in the facility she is in for a minimum for 7-10 days.  In other words, no option for her to come home this weekend, despite her pleas.  The hospital workers were very clear on this - she harmed herself, and there are laws they have to follow. 

I'm no doctor, but I would keep someone like her for evaluation for as long as it takes to get her stabilized on medications, and st her up with an intensive outpatient program.
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« Reply #23 on: May 09, 2015, 07:20:06 PM »

Skipping forward a bit, your W will try every trick to get home to her familiar surroundings. Once home she will want it forgotten and "got over', however you are shaken and stressed (that hangover feeling is stress), you will not be able to get it over as quickly. On the other hand you want it to go back to that "sitting on the sofa together" state.

This could easily lead to it being played down without you putting into place sufficient consequences and boundaries to prevent it happening again, you can easily be sold the "its a one off, wont happen again" line.

She needs to stay in hospital and away from her comfort zone in order to not want to go through it again. The quick rotations my partner went through, often as little as 12 hours was so little a deterent that we must have gone through this between 20-30 times with ambulance call outs in little over a year.

Eventually I refused to be home for the whole of the following day if she did this, the next time I stayed away 2 days, the boundary was each subsequent time it would be an extra day. Thats eventually what stopped it. Principle is that the incident shouldn't be"over" when she decides it should be, and not be there when she goes into victim mode to get you to comply.

Do not act like it is OK until you actually feel it is, you are denying your healing process otherwise
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« Reply #24 on: May 09, 2015, 08:05:03 PM »

I have nothing significant to add, max, but just to say that I'm so sorry this happened and I hope you both can find peace and healing very soon. 
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« Reply #25 on: May 09, 2015, 08:58:00 PM »

Good advice, waverider.

I don't think she understands consequences.  But I don't think it does neither me or her any good if I spend all my time visiting her or advocating for her to come home.

That was my big beef with her the other night that touched a nerve and really set her from level 10 to level 10+ - that she cancels out on more things than she actually goes to.  And this would just be another case.  She tried to kill herself.  That doesn't get much more serious than that.  And no matter her pleas, she needs to stay in the hospital. 
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« Reply #26 on: May 09, 2015, 09:19:42 PM »

Max, I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through.  I hope that this can be the situation needed for your wife to get the help she needs.  I can't imagine how hard this time must be for you.  I've been through (unintentional) overdoses with my ex, and I know how terribly scary it can be.  Hang in there, man.

Xanax can't be stopped without hospitalization and medical oversite.  It can be extremely dangerous otherwise.  My ex was addicted to Xanax at one point, and she required hospitalization and phenobarbital to detox.  It is a dangerous drug, even if it can be an important tool in anxiety control if used properly.  Xanax is extremely dangerous with alcohol.  Access should be controlled - I agree with waverider.  You can't prevent everything and control every source, but you can do the best you can.  It was an ongoing struggle with my ex and her addiction problems our entire relationship.  Ultimately, the root issues of the suicide attempt will have to addressed in therapy (not by you) - I'm sure you know this.

Residential treatment might be needed, and the suicide attempt might help with that.  I'm glad that you are on board with that.  I've spent time in residential care, and it was needed.  Don't feel that you are a bad person for doing this.  You are doing it out of love.

Stay strong.  I know your wife needs your support right now, but take care of you too.  This is an emotionally exhausting experience for anyone.
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« Reply #27 on: May 09, 2015, 09:35:53 PM »

I absolutely agree that the worst thing you can do is advocate for her to come home. I know she may become completely unglued on you but it is not in her best interest or yours. What you have to advocate for is her being hospitalized and getting the help she needs. I know it will be hard. I know she may hate you for it. I wish I could be there to stand by you while you walk through this. This is one of the hardest things to go through with a BPDSO. Giant hugs to you     
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« Reply #28 on: May 09, 2015, 10:51:48 PM »

I want to harken back to something formflier wrote in one of your recent threads. He said you should not second-guess your decision to marry your wife, and you should feel proud of your values and commitment to her. You should consider this mission a success.

I agree.

Because if anyone can save your wife's life it is you. The mission shifts now; it has to. The way forward may involve legal counsel and court orders, if the medical profession has reached its limit in helping your wife in her present state and with her present powers of decision-making.

It's going to be really tough. I think you can do it.

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« Reply #29 on: May 09, 2015, 11:43:22 PM »

Thanks everyone.   I spent the evening doing a bit of yardwork.  I realized my wife does not have her glasses.  But she did not call and request them, so I a made no effort to bring them to her.  I think that was a good decision.  It's all about taking care of me right now.  Let the doctors take care of her.  I will see her tomorrow, and bring her her glasses.  I REALLY NEED TO TAKE CARE OF ME.  At whatever cost.  I feel like i am dying.  Me taking care of me does not mean I don;t love her or care about her.  It means the opposite.  I can;t be there for her unless I am there for myself first. 
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« Reply #30 on: May 09, 2015, 11:54:57 PM »

Yes!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #31 on: May 10, 2015, 12:03:18 AM »

You're right max. It's the first rule of first responders. Take care of yourself (or ensure your own safety) first. Yardwork sounds good. It's something I find relaxing.
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« Reply #32 on: May 10, 2015, 12:08:52 AM »

I learned the other day that you can get bags of concrete at home depot for half off if they are damaged.  Do right now, I am making a 2-buck concrete planter for some kind of plant that I like dowm near my work - propagating by rooting!  And tomorrow, I may weld a garden gate.  And go for a long bike ride.  Doesn't matter if I don;t get it all done.  Maybe I will start a free blog about all my free and cheap garden ideas.
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« Reply #33 on: May 10, 2015, 12:26:37 AM »

Now I feel badly about not pulling out the weed eater last weekend after mowing, looking at the foxtails growing at the fenceline. An actual project is inspiring! I might check into that HD idea... .with the short sales upwind from me, the homes, or even the current owners (grrr) never tend to their green strips in front of their homes. Last year, I sprayed round up at night on the neighbor's grass (weed) strip. Though technically their property, I mow it. The weeds have infested my strip. It's a lost battle. Cement!
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« Reply #34 on: May 10, 2015, 06:43:03 AM »

Thanks everyone.   I spent the evening doing a bit of yardwork.  I realized my wife does not have her glasses.  But she did not call and request them, so I a made no effort to bring them to her.  I think that was a good decision.  It's all about taking care of me right now.  Let the doctors take care of her.  I will see her tomorrow, and bring her her glasses.  I REALLY NEED TO TAKE CARE OF ME.  At whatever cost.  I feel like i am dying.  Me taking care of me does not mean I don;t love her or care about her.  It means the opposite.  I can;t be there for her unless I am there for myself first.  

Brilliant Decision Max.  I'm giving you a bunch of thumbs up.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

You've been through a heck of a trauma.  Your body, your spirit and your psyche need some rest and repair time.

In your honor I am going to go weed the front flower bed. 
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« Reply #35 on: May 10, 2015, 07:24:44 AM »

Thanks everyone.   I spent the evening doing a bit of yardwork.  I realized my wife does not have her glasses.  But she did not call and request them, so I a made no effort to bring them to her.  I think that was a good decision.  It's all about taking care of me right now.  Let the doctors take care of her.  I will see her tomorrow, and bring her her glasses.  I REALLY NEED TO TAKE CARE OF ME.  At whatever cost.  I feel like i am dying.  Me taking care of me does not mean I don;t love her or care about her.  It means the opposite.  I can;t be there for her unless I am there for myself first. 

When you are on a plane, they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first and then your children's, because if you pass out first you cannot help them.

Don't feel bad about putting your mask on first. Prayers are with you this morning. 
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« Reply #36 on: May 10, 2015, 08:48:35 AM »

I don't know if it is possible to save another person from themselves but sometimes doing what really helps someone feels counterintuitive to those of us who are codependent. I think we think this means sacrificing ourselves. Sometimes another person needs is to think of them first but we do this to an extreme and it doesn't help us or them.

Kudos max for tanking care of yourself and recognizing that your wife is in professional hands and that it may be most helpful to her to not rescue her from them.
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« Reply #37 on: May 10, 2015, 06:53:31 PM »

Yes, I need to look after #1.  The knot on the back of my head and the bruise on my chest tell me so.

I don't know how long they will keep her at the hospital.  She's hopeful it will only be a few days.  I just have to put it in the hands of God and the doctors.  I'm going to go visit her later, then home to relax more. 

I will make no decisions regarding the future of this r/s now.  This is me time. 

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« Reply #38 on: May 11, 2015, 06:30:32 AM »

Hey Max, I've got a couple observations (having missed a few days)

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Excellent job doing things for yourself. Keep it up. ESPECIALLY when she comes home eventually!

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) You talked about caring for her, and just wanting to sit next to her on the sofa. Allow yourself to feel that you WANT these things. It is healthy and normal. Then pause and think before you DO anything like this.

You are making healthier choices... .keep at it, and accept that your feelings about her are all over the place, and will come up. A lot. That's OK and normal. You can have the feelings, and not get lost in them or let them drive you to doing something you will later regret.
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« Reply #39 on: May 11, 2015, 12:30:24 PM »

Things to remind myself:

1) This is serious.  It's not just a matter of a "one time thing" that she promises will never happen again.  Suicide attempts are serious.   The paramedic told me had I not called 911 immediately, she would have likely suffered kidney failure.

2) It's up to her doctors to determine whether she is safe to come home:  I will be as open and honest with her doctors as possible.  That means telling them about the bruise on my chest and the bump on my head.

3) Remind myself over and over that I matter and that my health matters.

Her doctors are supposed to call me later.  W tells me she wants to leave soon, but doctors say "no way" and are concerned about her violence, saying she was violent in the emergency room, and violent towards me.  That's on the 911 tape of her screaming and threatening and hitting me in the background.

Her cousin that she has known for decades called me today, and said that she thinks W needs to be in the hospital for a long time.  I agree - a week or two for sure.  I don't want her home unless she is arranged to go to some kind of behavioral/anger program 3-5 days a week for several months. 

If I can, I am going to take the second half of the day off work.
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« Reply #40 on: May 11, 2015, 12:39:57 PM »

Max,

I'm afraid a week or two of hospitalization won't make much difference. I think she needs to be institutionalized for quite a while.

I had a friend who attempted suicide and her husband found her and took her to the ED and they released her that evening! Then a year later, she completed the act when he was at work--this time using two methods at the same time--pills and cutting her wrists and ankles.

I'm sorry, these truths can be really hard to accept. What you've told us about your wife leads me to believe that not only is she a risk to herself, she is a risk to you. I think you need a professional evaluation of her safety before you bring her home--the consequences are just too great.

   

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« Reply #41 on: May 11, 2015, 12:50:05 PM »

Cat, I agree.  Her cousin agrees.  I think her friend agrees. 

When the social worker called from the hospital, and asked me if this was a re-occurring problem, I was honest and said "yes"

I said that there was a period of months that she talked about killing herself or wanting to die nearly every day.

I said this was not the first time she hit me.

I said that she has attempted in the past.

I said that she had twice mentioned killing herself during MC earlier in the  week.

I mentioned that she made comment about killing me.

I mentioned I had called the police before.

I mentioned that I fear her coming home without some kind of structured plan that things will change.

When she asked at the emergency room if she could go home, they were VERY stern with her, that if she did not voluntarily go to treatment, she would be petitioned for being committed for 10 days minimum.  They reiterated that she would have died, and that suicide attempts are very serious.

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« Reply #42 on: May 11, 2015, 12:52:25 PM »

3) Remind myself over and over that I matter and that my health matters.

Yes! I just want to repeat this. You matter. Your health matters. Even though she is the one that is sick, you have experienced a major trauma. This is a very traumatic experience for you and you need to worry about you.

   
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« Reply #43 on: May 11, 2015, 12:54:27 PM »

Max    

I know you have been trying so hard to keep this r/s together... .my heart hurts for you. Take it one day at a time... .and I am so glad you have told the professionals what they need to know.

I would also agree with pressing charges just so there's some record of what's going on, that way later if something happens, she can't put it on you. You know pwBPD are manipulative, and honestly... .it wouldn't be hard for her to convince police you started the physical abuse since you are a male. I hate to say that... .but I know the stereotype is out there. Do it to protect her and yourself hun <3

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« Reply #44 on: May 11, 2015, 12:58:37 PM »

I completely agree with Ethyl. They are so good at rewriting history. I know you've tried to soften the blow of consequences with her about insignificant things, such as the events leading up to your wedding ceremony.

HOWEVER, THIS IS SOO IMPORTANT THAT SHE GETS CONSEQUENCES FOR THIS BEHAVIOR.

I know it's going to really pain you to do it, being the kindhearted man that you are, but please file charges, for her sake and your future safety, both physically and legally.
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« Reply #45 on: May 11, 2015, 01:31:46 PM »

 

Max,

 

You are a solid decision maker.  You have done the right thing many many times... .many times that was a hard thing.

That's where you find yourself again now.

What is status of police report and filing charges? 

Please keep this process separate from any long term decisions about your r/s.

You did not cause this... .deserve this... .

But... .you are in this position... .and the decisions that you make about police, filing charges and all that will set a precedent for this r/s.

Sometimes the loving thing to do is very hard... .

We are here for you... .

FF
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« Reply #46 on: May 11, 2015, 01:34:09 PM »

HOWEVER, THIS IS SOO IMPORTANT THAT SHE GETS CONSEQUENCES FOR THIS BEHAVIOR.

I know it's going to really pain you to do it, being the kindhearted man that you are, but please file charges, for her sake and your future safety, both physically and legally.

One thought or idea... .

Many times there are programs for first time offenders... .where if they complete treatment and have no more issues for a period of time... .the charges can be put into a different status.

This could be one of many things that motivate her to get better.

She needs all the motivation she can get.

Please keep up the good posts... .it seems like you are trying to take care of yourself... .keep it up.

FF
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« Reply #47 on: May 11, 2015, 02:08:39 PM »

I'm not sure 4-5 days or even 10 days of hospitalization will be sufficient.  She may need in-patient for 30 to 90 days.  This is not unheard of in such a serious situation.  Your wife has multiple, complicating diagnoses -- the BPD, the eating disorder, addiction -- and now she's violent in a public way that can't be hidden anymore.  This is not a situation that is going to quickly respond to a few days of treatment.
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« Reply #48 on: May 11, 2015, 02:57:30 PM »

I'm listening to all of you.  Believe me.  I guess I am in shock. Most of the time every bit of advice or warning I get on this site is dead-on accurate.  But I am in shock over the idea of filing a police report.  That hasn't really sunk in yet, but it's in my mind, for sure.  The social worker is supposed to talk to me today, and I know they will not discharge her until I meet with the social worker and my wife to ensure no domestic violence situation is involved. 

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« Reply #49 on: May 11, 2015, 03:12:27 PM »

Max, is there by any chance a "Mental Illness Court" where you live? There is in my county, and I've got to believe it makes things easier on families when it comes to the tough task of involving law enforcement processes.
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« Reply #50 on: May 11, 2015, 03:30:30 PM »

and I know they will not discharge her until I meet with the social worker and my wife to ensure no domestic violence situation is involved. 

Can you explain this more... .it's confusing.  Because my understanding is that there is a DV issue... .

It's been building to this for a while... .and it happened.

Hmmm... .I'll hush and let you explain.

FF
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« Reply #51 on: May 11, 2015, 03:36:07 PM »

I'm listening to all of you.  Believe me.  I guess I am in shock. Most of the time every bit of advice or warning I get on this site is dead-on accurate.  But I am in shock over the idea of filing a police report. 

I understand that... .because I have been there.  Ok... .she didn't hit me... .but she went after three of my kids... .definitely the scariest thing I have ever confronted in my life... .because the lives involved... .including my wife's... .are very precious to me.

Anyway... .the PD aspect of this means they want to run from responsibility... .minimalize.

Next day in counseling (we just happened to have one scheduled)... .she made it out to not be a big deal... .I asked her to commit in writing to a plan for no corporal punishment.)

She insisted she had never... .ever gone back on her word... .(just not the case... .)

So... .still in the "shock" feeling that you mentioned... .I called a trusted person in law enforcement... .and also called my lawyer... .that was a long time friend as well as lawyer.

It was clear... .I had to act.

So... .i made the report to social services. 

The life of my family... .and my r/s with my wife is WAY better!  Much better!

FF
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« Reply #52 on: May 11, 2015, 03:45:19 PM »

The social worker is supposed to talk to me today, and I know they will not discharge her until I meet with the social worker and my wife to ensure no domestic violence situation is involved. 

But there was, and you documented it. Based upon how they always took my Ex in for her pre-natal appointments beforehand even when she requested me there, I had a gut feeling of bias. I asked her once, "so do they ask you if I beat you before they let me in?" She responded, "something like that."

Can you call a local DV hot-line for advice max?
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« Reply #53 on: May 11, 2015, 03:49:09 PM »

.  The social worker is supposed to talk to me today, and I know they will not discharge her until I meet with the social worker and my wife to ensure no domestic violence situation is involved. 

With great respect Max, please don't rely on the Social Worker and the Hospital to ensure the real threat of domestic violence is adequately addressed.   Mental Health facilities are often understaffed and over burdened.  

Please take action on your own behalf.   I am sure there is a domestic violence hotline in your area.   Why not give it a call and talk to a third, unbiased, neutral party who has been there and walked the situation locally.  

Go ahead and make the call, let them advise you, never hurts to have more information.


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« Reply #54 on: May 11, 2015, 03:49:52 PM »

A characteristic of enabling is protecting an adult from the consequences of their behavior. It's a principle of parenting to protect children, but as they get older, they too need to learn that actions can lead to consequences. A kid might want to smack another kid on the playground, and he/she might try it, but should learn that this isn't tolerated by having some ( age appropriate ) consequence. Even a small child would be put in "time out" for that. An older kid would be suspended from school for hitting a classmate. Serious physical assaults on the part of adults would be grounds for being arrested.

Hitting others, except in situations of self defense is not appropriate- not from strangers, friends, family members or spouses.  I am not a lawyer, but I am not certain if filing a police report would result in arrest unless you pressed charges. However, it is the natural consequences of hitting someone else, and it creates a record in case she were to do this again, or blame you for it, and it may lead to better treatment for her. I don't know all the legal consequences of this.

Would not doing it let her know that it isn't ok to smack others ( because there would be consequences) but if she smacks you, she can get away with it? I am going to leave you to answer that question for yourself.

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« Reply #55 on: May 11, 2015, 04:58:08 PM »

They are doing this as protocol, it is only covering themselves. If you both play it down nothing will come of it. It will be forgotten

A police report is different, it becomes a factual milestone, it can't be washed away as though it did not happen. It can be a future reference point. It will have a bigger chance of causing change
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« Reply #56 on: May 11, 2015, 05:30:02 PM »

  It will have a bigger chance of causing change

Important point... .

Because she could get convicted... .do jail time... .and still not change.

Or... .she could finally be "scared straight... ."

No guarantees... .

But... .the basic question is what is the right choice for the relationship... .what is the healthy choice... .?

FF

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« Reply #57 on: May 11, 2015, 05:37:43 PM »

Max, did you once say that your wife had had hospital stays of significant length earlier in her life? 

Is there some history there to build on--maybe with the help of her family members--in going about getting this needed help for her now?

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« Reply #58 on: May 14, 2015, 08:43:14 AM »

 

Max,

 

We are all rooting for you here.  !  Praying you are able to find peace and take care of yourself.

Also praying that your wife gets the care she needs... .

You both deserve it!

FF
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